Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below

[Shawaddywaddeee]

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

You said there could be no worse circumstance. If I’m retrospect you don’t think that’s wildly OTT then I don’t know what to say really. It’s definitely not to me because I have lived long enough to know that circumstances change.

The circumstances of my own teenage pregnancy couldn’t be more different than they were even 5 years later. When I say different I mean really different and not through luck but sheer determination to make life good for us all.

I am very proud choice so I wouldn’t wave the ‘all children are blessings’ randomly. They themselves have they consider this baby a blessing so I think everyone should refrain from telling them it isn’t. That’s quite offensive.

If you are having IVF then you are also deciding what you want For yourself. No child exists yet so it’s neither here no there whether it’s created or not. You do so to meet your own needs. I say that with kindness of course & wish you the very best but yours will also be an adult benefitting decision.

OP, you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. You’re doing your best and there’s no shame in hardship. If all you can do is offer your daughter words of wisdom then that will suffice.

Speak to her now about moving out so she has plenty of time to get sorted before the baby arrives. I don't understand the 'she needs a harsh dose of reality' comments. She's out of the house six days a week working and doing an apprenticeship. By the sounds of it she's a bit useless at doing things round the house, going by other posts on here that doesn't sound unusual for a teenager.

I had my eldest at 17 and as much as I dearly love him, I do now wish I’d waited to have children. I almost wish my Mum had taken a stronger stance and told me how hard it actually is but she was very passive and told me it was my choice. It obviously was my choice but I wish she’d explained how difficult it is as best as she could before I chose to go ahead with it. His Dad and I were together until he was five but he’s been a useless piece of shit since we split and has done naff all for him. Your DD is being very naive thinking the guy she isn’t even in a relationship with will stick around and help her, you need to make it clear to her there’s a strong chance he will run away.

So my main advice is to explain how hard it actually will be to your DD in depth. Not just the baby/toddler stage either but how hard it is when they get older and also how expensive it is!

As for your living situation, she will have to fend for herself and find her own place. It’s a hard line to take but she’s an adult and if she truly wants to keep the baby, she’ll have to care for it on her own. You can help her get on her feet obviously rather than leaving her to it but she has to realise that you won’t always be there to pick up the pieces and she needs to take responsibility.

OP, is there any way you can pull together with your dad and younger siblings? - even temporarily?

I don't mean for your DD, she will indeed have to make her own way, as you did! I mean for you - if they live close, and it's an expensive area, is there any way you could stay with him temporarily, save the rent money and have more options longer term??

Your DD will have to move out, but if she does keep the baby, she will be entitled to more help.

OP, I forgot to say. I assumed you were in council accommodation but if you are renting privately all you would need to do is ask your landlord to add your DD to the Tenancy agreement.
She can claim housing benefit that way. I have done this for tenants in similar circumstances. Also, for the most part, subletting isn’t a problem for private landlords so long as you pay the rent owed and are responsible for the state of the property. Most landlords just want their rent and would rather you share with a friend when times fit hard than run up a huge debt and then leave one night.

Also, even if her benefits WOULD enable her to 'replace' the lodger - just don't.

You will end up HAVING to keep her there, even if it's a nightmare.
You will end up doing care for the baby and essentially 'co-parenting'.

The boundaries will become blurred and with someone who at 19 isn't even a fully fledged adult yet (not contributing to running of house, only taking first steps to earning her way, no sense of domestic responsibility etc.) you'll end up taking on the majority of the crap.

Would it be possible for you to move in with your dad and DD to get her own place? You could help your Dad out and save some money and DD would have no other option but to move out and grow up.

Sorry but every baby is not a 'blessing'.

To use such a word implies you believe in a God. That's the origins of 'blessing'.

People use the word far too carelessly.

For a 19 yr old who's had a 1 night stand, the man has MH issues, she has no means of support other than benefits, and then say it's a 'blessing' shows she has no sense of reality at all. It's a fantasy she is living.

And every baby is not wanted, hence abortions or the use of contraception.

There are babies that are wanted and babies that are not wanted as the circumstances conspire against the parents and the baby.
Some babies should not be brought into the world when the parent cannot provide for them either emotionally, physically or economically.

This girl is already 19, no qualifications, no real prospects of a decent job or income.

Sorry but every baby is not a 'blessing'.

Hear, hear!!!

Your daughter needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

How much money will the dad be providing? Does he have a reliable job?

Your lodger will leave, and nobody else will want to lodge with a baby in the flat. How will you & your daughter make up the shortfall in rent?

I’ve seen a few posts encouraging the daughter to figure out housing with the father. Please don’t encourage this. Don’t encourage her to essentially lock herself into living with him. How often do we see women on here who want to leave, but either don’t want to go to a refuge or it’s not actually domestic violence, just a really bad relationship so they can’t make themselves intentionally homeless. At 19, there is no way the relationship is long enough to know him well enough to know how he will handle living together with the stress of a newborn and tight finances.

He can step up and be an excellent father without living with her to start. He could be there every day, but having his own home is essential. She needs to be in charge of her living space.

She also shouldn’t make a budget that depends on his contributions. Sadly, statistically, they are unlikely to be reliable or to materialize at all. If money does show up, it will provide extras and savings.

Just a thought, but it is possible that her stating she wants to keep the baby might not be her true considered deeply thought out feelings. If she's been told from a young age by her much loved gran never to abort, and you had your baby at a young age... She might feel like she can't chose to abort, that she'd be letting you both down and it's not the family done thing.
If she's only 6 weeks along she can't have had much time to really unpack all her thoughts and feelings on it, maybe you should let her know that whatever your choices in the past and grans feelings on the matter, she is still free to decide what's best for her in her situation and how she feels.
I think it would be no bad thing to at least let her know that so if she keeps it, it isn't out of a sense of not wanting to let the family down, but because she actually wants to....and before she can decide that she needs to know the reality of the choice

I think both the father and this D are living in cloud cuckoo land.

It was a one night stand.
He has MH issues.
He has said he will support her. How? After a one night stand? For life? And then have to tell future partners he already has a child and is paying for it. I doubt it. You only have to read threads here about women who discover way down the line that their partner has another child from a short 'relationship'.

At 6 weeks, neither of them have really had time to absorb the huge reality of what is going to happen to them.

This girl clearly has a huge void in her life whereby the baby is something to fill it and she's not aware of the harsh reality that will face her for 18 years at least.

for OP.

I’m the child of a teenage mother (19).
I grew up knowing I was a ‘mistake’, abortion wasn’t but should have been considered and in all honesty, I have no issue with knowing that.

I know DM did her best but it’s not how I would want to parent, there are easier ways as happened with my siblings born much later in a solid relationship.

My childhood and my DM 20/30s were harder due to being a teen mum and I always knew that’s not the environment in which I wanted to parent. And DM had shitloads of support!

I’m telling you this because again I bet you did your best but it may be useful to see this from the ‘child’s’ position.

@Hertsgirl10

Somewhat unhelpful. The OP has pointed out she's working FT and needs the lodger's money to pay the bills, whether it's legal or not. That moving to a cheaper place would take her and her DD away from family, friends and job. As others have pointed out, the pregnant DD can't claim much if still living with her mother and certainly not a council flat. It's going to get worse as energy bills go up in April and food bills won't be far behind.

Better the OP makes it clear that her DD has to get her head round looking for a place to live and what income she might get from the father given he has MH issues and it was a one-night stand. And what the cost of living will be with a baby. Rent, heating and electricity, food, nappies, baby food.

And of course you can never predict what baby you will have - one that sleeps through the night and allows you to study or a naggy baby who can't get to sleep or feeds badly.

@Shawaddywaddeee

My daughter has only just got the apprenticeship 1 week ago and hasn't started the 2nd job yet..

Before this she worked in a pub PT but doesn't do anything at home. Literally nothing which is an on going issue.

I sleep on my sofa because our rent is extremely high (over £1000) that's not including bills, food etc

It may be wrong to sub let but we would have nowhere to live if I didn't..
Trust me it's no fun and incredibly embarrassing to say I sleep on my sofa but I am just trying to survive and provide x

And before you say move somewhere cheaper our whole life is here (work, friends etc) including my dad and younger siblings who needs us more than ever right now since the loss of mum X

I really do appreciate all the words of support and advice, I think the bottom line is she will have to move out as the flat is already cramped

I just feel sad I can't support her in the way I'd like to be able to x

Op put all your and your dd income into this benefit calculator. You might find that your entitled to help with your rent.

www.entitledto.co.uk/

I get it OP. You wanted differently for her or for you to be in a different financial position to help.

She needs to sort out what she is going to do now. You will be a Grandmother, not a sitter, not childcare, not raising the child. I bet her plans are that you do the majority of the work.

[quote crosstalk]@Hertsgirl10

Somewhat unhelpful. The OP has pointed out she's working FT and needs the lodger's money to pay the bills, whether it's legal or not. That moving to a cheaper place would take her and her DD away from family, friends and job. As others have pointed out, the pregnant DD can't claim much if still living with her mother and certainly not a council flat. It's going to get worse as energy bills go up in April and food bills won't be far behind.

Better the OP makes it clear that her DD has to get her head round looking for a place to live and what income she might get from the father given he has MH issues and it was a one-night stand. And what the cost of living will be with a baby. Rent, heating and electricity, food, nappies, baby food.

And of course you can never predict what baby you will have - one that sleeps through the night and allows you to study or a naggy baby who can't get to sleep or feeds badly.[/quote]
@crosstalk
My point was that people are all acting like the daughter had caused all these issues but the situation is already what it is and the mum’s hasn’t made great choices herself it seems.

For 2 bed flat in London it’s more a month rent and people manage without subletting, plus it’s private rented so isn’t really that bad rent a month. There must be more to this because most people that work and still struggle can get extra help like rent top ups.
And option would be to get a 1 bed flat and daughter get her own place.

The main priority seems to be OP doesn’t want this affecting her as in doesn’t want any responsibility for this baby and the lodger not being upset enough to leave. Fair enough but she knows what she needs to do in that case.

SnoopyLovesLucy beauty therapy is a very viable profession, and a good earner.

I was 19 when I had my first and moved out of home 6 months after DS was born. I think you need to put a firm limit on how long she can stay because I can guarantee you’ll send up practically raising the baby otherwise.

@crosstalk

I agree with you. Op would be entitled to a 2 room rate. Within the LHA. I'm making the assumption that op is on a low wage ? If she is struggling as much as she is. And Possibly has not applied for the help she can get. My son works 25hrs a week on min wage and the help I get with rent was reduced by just 15.00 a week. I think when a young person leaves education it can be a bit complicated.

Hugs op, sounds like a rough emotional time.

But I am a big believer in that babies are always a blessing, could your daughter use this next few months to get her own place maybe council house? And get used to standing on her own two feet then you have your place to you, she may surprise you?

Hugs xx

Having a baby is a big change at any age but you need to be prepared. If your daughter won’t have an abortion then I’d be going through all the plans with her. She needs to drop out of college and get a full time job somewhere and start saving . Not sure about your area but my area having a child doesn’t qualify you for a council house straight away anymore theres a waiting list of like 5 years. She’d most likely be put in a hostel. She needs a reality check and fast. You need to explain everything Including the fact you would lose money if you had it as most likely the lodger will move out. I’m pro choice so I wouldn’t suggest abortion but she can’t live in la la land.

I would never encourage anyone to have an abortion, when I was pregnant with dd I can clearly remember who told me to abort and I've never forgiven them tbh.

My mum mentioned 'options' to me when I told her I was pregnant (I was 26 so not a teen but I was on my own) which opened the conversation up but didn't have the same judgment attached to it.

I personally couldn't chuck my dd out but I understand your concerns op, I think you need to sit your dd down and go through the reality with her.

Baby does not require much space first few years. Certanly space should not be question of life and death. Good family support their own and treat children as blessing. Not "progressive" view, but that is humanity. Your mother was right.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies

I would never encourage anyone to have an abortion, when I was pregnant with dd I can clearly remember who told me to abort and I've never forgiven them tbh.

My mum mentioned 'options' to me when I told her I was pregnant (I was 26 so not a teen but I was on my own) which opened the conversation up but didn't have the same judgment attached to it.

I personally couldn't chuck my dd out but I understand your concerns op, I think you need to sit your dd down and go through the reality with her.

Whereas a friend of mine told me recently that she remembers me urging her to think about whether she wanted to terminate when she had an accidental pregnancy very young and in deeply unideal circumstances. Though she chose to continue the pregnancy she appreciated it.