Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below

[Shawaddywaddeee]

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

@Incywinceyspider

Have you asked your DD what her plan is? What does she say? She might have put more thought into this than you think, and if she hasn't, then it's a good way of making her think about the practicalities of the situation!

I got very confused thinking I'd written this 😂

Consideration needs to be given about the tennant situation as well, and if this would cause a financial issue. What if they moved out because they don't want to be impacted by a screaming baby? Would finding another be easy?

I think you need to be clear with her that you support her decision to have the baby but you will not be providing childcare and cannot support her financially.

Point her to support and advice and take a step back that will make sure she knows she has to get a job, find housing etc.

Every single post here is about the women involved.

What about the father?

You say she's not with him- so a ONS perhaps? Or a relationship that isn't any more?

BUT he has fathered a child and the responsibility is 50% his.
He should be paying towards it till the child is 18.

What are his parents doing in all of this? Do they even know?

It's 2022 and it's time men were accountable for their actions.
It's fine to say your DD was slow in sorting contraception but couldn't he buy condoms? Or her?

She can't possibly live at home in the present circs.
You'd lose your lodger - they won't want to live with a screaming baby all night.

You need to get a plan as they will need notice.

Sorry about your Mum and sorry you are going through this but it sounds as if your DD has no idea of what she's bringing on herself and you.

YANBU to be upset and I’m sorry you are having to deal with this after losing your own mum… but she is your daughter and she needs you now.

Think about how you felt when you had her and give her the support you needed at that point in your life. If living with you isn’t possible, help her to make alternative arrangements. But even if she can’t live with you, let her know that she isn’t alone and you understand from experience how hard being a young mum can be .

Maybe go along with her to her appointment with the midwife first time as she's 17 you might be allowed/ your daughter might be ok with that?
Do you or your daughter have any relatives/ friends who have babies who she could spend some time with to see what it's like?

They'll be piling on here to say that it'll all be great and fantastic but I would be devastated.
I would advising my daughter to have a termination.

Her baby is going to become your baby.

@Breastfeedingworries

I would gently encourage abortion, get some leaflets from the doctors. Sit down with her and really explain how you’ve struggled and felt alone over the years. Really go into details about how hard parenting is, especially on your own. The sleepless nights. How you can’t see friends, how often you lose them because you can’t go out, go on holidays, see new places. Have boyfriends, how she will be alone and feel alone a lot of the time. I’m so thankful my mum really drummed it into me. I was broody from a very young age but all of her thoughts didn’t leave my mind for along time. Luckily she caught me before I got pregnant but hopefully you can help your dd.

I have a dd now (not with dds dad which isn’t how I thought life would turn out but ah well) I’m glad I got pregnant at 29, a very decent age after travelling and having a job and my life.

My friend had a child young at 21 and she massively regrets it, she isn’t even close to him. He lives with her mum and has more of a parent child relationship to her. At an older age I think a lot of people also make better choices, and are often able to be better parents. (No offence is meant with this) my friend went on to have another child and she’s night and day. With the first she was desperate to get away from him, so she could go out and live her life, with a second she attends baby groups breast fed, she has a lot of guilt over there different childhoods. Anyway this is all worth mentioning to your dd.

Best of luck op, I really hope you can get through to her. You’ve helped me plan for future talks with my dd. My mum took me to get the pill at 14 and I plan on doing the same. My mum said it would help “control” periods and I shall take the same tack. I wasn’t sexually active until 17 she’d never said at 14 great now go off and shag lol so I waited until I was in love which was also advised! Xx

What awful advice

Whilst I don't think the OP should pressurise her daughter to abort, she is 19 and it is perfectly reasonable to ask what her plan is going forward.

It is reasonable to disabuse her of any idea that she can have a baby, stay and lean on her mother financially and play dolly's with a baby whilst someone else works and pays for it.

I loved my four, but I am so over babies and the noise of them.

I would have absolutely zero interest in going back to that stage.

Someone who is already very lazy, will not step up at home.

She and baby stuff will take over the OP's space and expect the OP to clean up and be the responsible adult in the home.

Far better that she moves out and the OP can be a kind grandmother from her own home.

You are paying the bills and on the sofa?

Has your daughter a bedroom?

If she does, and you are on the sofa, rather than sharing, and she thinks that is ok?

Then really she needs a hard dose of reality.

OP, you are entitled to make a life for yourself after 19 years.

Don't be guilted into any situation.

OP, I think the knowledge that you chose (or felt compelled) to continue your pregnancy, and that it produced a now-young-adult child you obviously love, could be clouding your judgement, and possibly your daughter's here. In advising her to terminate, you are not saying that having her was a mistake, just as she would not be judging your choice negatively by choosing to terminate -- especially if, as you suggest, there is a general climate of opposition to termination in your family, and your mother, who opposed termination, has just died. (I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you need a conversation in which this is all set out very clearly and unemotionally, otherwise you risk your daughter not thinking rationally about all her options and just going along with continuing the pregnancy because you did. Termination should absolutely be one of those options. It's what I would be strongly urging if she were my child.

It's a difficult situation OP, and I feel for you.
If it hasn't already been said, I think you'll lose your lodger too once the baby comes. Your living space sounds small, and a lodger probably wouldn't to share it with a new baby. They take up a lot of space, and make a lot of noise.

Where you say you don’t want her to make the same mistakes as you, maybe she thinks you did a great job?
There’s lots of good advice here, I’d just add don’t do yourself down as a reason why she shouldn’t do the same- because I’m sure you’ve done an amazing job

Oh OP, this must have been a shock for you- sending you hugs- first of all, don’t put more of this situation on yourself than you need.

You are going to be a granny not a mother, so the kindest thing to do, would be to get your daughter to find a flat for herself now.

She needs to learn to be independent otherwise you’ll be the one bringing up the child, honestly the best thing she can do is learn how to take care of herself now so she’s more prepared when baby arrives.

Once’s she’s moved out, you decide how hands on you want to be- maybe you want to babysit overnight once a week or not- you get to have more control if you both live separately.

It’s not the end of the world- I’m a young mom and had a teen mom bring me up, but my mom decided when I had mine that she had raised her children do she want raising anyone else’s so I’ve had to do it on my own (my teens have only ever slept away from me on 4 occasions, and 2 of them were because I was in hospital), and honestly it made me grow up and be responsible. If I had had my mom take over, I wouldn’t have learn how to be a good mom myself.

Your not a failure- we all make our own choices in life xx

Good point @Justkeeppedaling I had forgotten about the lodger and income provided that way.

The only solution that makes sense is your DD moving out. It sounds like pregnancy or not she should have done this some time ago and it's a good point that the DF should have some responsibility in all of this.

@Breastfeedingworries

I would gently encourage abortion, get some leaflets from the doctors. Sit down with her and really explain how you’ve struggled and felt alone over the years. Really go into details about how hard parenting is, especially on your own. The sleepless nights. How you can’t see friends, how often you lose them because you can’t go out, go on holidays, see new places. Have boyfriends, how she will be alone and feel alone a lot of the time. I’m so thankful my mum really drummed it into me. I was broody from a very young age but all of her thoughts didn’t leave my mind for along time. Luckily she caught me before I got pregnant but hopefully you can help your dd.

I have a dd now (not with dds dad which isn’t how I thought life would turn out but ah well) I’m glad I got pregnant at 29, a very decent age after travelling and having a job and my life.

My friend had a child young at 21 and she massively regrets it, she isn’t even close to him. He lives with her mum and has more of a parent child relationship to her. At an older age I think a lot of people also make better choices, and are often able to be better parents. (No offence is meant with this) my friend went on to have another child and she’s night and day. With the first she was desperate to get away from him, so she could go out and live her life, with a second she attends baby groups breast fed, she has a lot of guilt over there different childhoods. Anyway this is all worth mentioning to your dd.

Best of luck op, I really hope you can get through to her. You’ve helped me plan for future talks with my dd. My mum took me to get the pill at 14 and I plan on doing the same. My mum said it would help “control” periods and I shall take the same tack. I wasn’t sexually active until 17 she’d never said at 14 great now go off and shag lol so I waited until I was in love which was also advised! Xx

Please don't do this OP. No women should be 'encouraged' to terminate a pregnancy, gently or otherwise, or to continue with it either. It has to be solely her decision with no coercion either way, just help to weigh the options. In your particular circumstances this advice may be particularly damaging as its tantamount to telling her you think it would have been better if you had not had her, which would be very difficult for her to hear. It's fine to paint a realistic picture, but to actively dissuade her is very poor advice imo.

There's a lot to sort through and unpick here, but I just wanted to tell you that everything will be alright. It really will, whatever decisions you or your daughter make, no matter how bad things feel right now, things will be OK.

She should be making her decision about whether or not to keep the baby based on the reality of her looking after it and funding it herself. Of course she wants to keep it if she thinks she can keep living with you and you’ll shoulder the burdens while she just gets the enjoyable bits (because that’s what it sounds like).

Time for her to grow up. 19 is really young, but if she’s old enough to want to keep it, she’s old enough to understand what that really means and deal with it without defaulting to you sorting it out for her.

I’m sorry about your mum, and sorry your daughter has put you in this position.

I actually have experience of this but as the daughter. Fell pregnant at 17 with a boyfriend who I met at my work. I was undecided what to do but I was naive and 'green'. Friend of family who'd also had a baby as a teenager took me round Brook Advisory centre and Marie Stopes places basically to try to persuade me to have a termination. My DM had had a termination when she was slightly older than me. My stepdad apparently wouldn't have liked a screaming, crying baby though I think my DM would've helped out. I wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes in a council house setting (best friend had to do this when she got pregnant at 18) though, I was from a middle class family. Now, years later, after another pregnancy (miscarriage) and failed relationships I sort of wish I had had the baby.

My main concern from DM and her DM (DGM) was to stay in work and keep working - not a bad receptionists job.

I'd say support your DD but say she has to go to government for help.

@Ozanj

I’m going to go with her another opinion here and you won’t like it but I have to say it because otherwise you might permanently damage your relationship with her. Why is it her problem that you chose to have a baby at 18? You deciding to have a baby then is a totally different issue to her having a baby now - sure you might struggle to support her, yes she’s lazy, but you’re her mum. It’s totally natural for her to want to rely on you for support at 18 pregnant or otherwise. I think you need to unpin your life / history from what’s going on now and try and support your dd - even if it’s just to apply for all the benefits / housing she’ll need when or if you can’t keep her at home.

@Ozanj

I agree with this.

its worth mentioning that all this talk of the daughter finding her own housing is going to be pretty much impossible for a 19 year old , shes going to need to go to the council which means they are going to want proof she will be homeless , op is going to write a letter saying her daughter cant live there anymore , sounds harsh , but thats the way it is , she will then be put into temp accomadation until she is offered a place to live permantley

Sorry for the loss of your mother op

You have said yourself that you know exactly what your daughter is about to go through as a young single mum. You don’t need to support her financially as but I think she could use your advice and continued emotional support.

You said that your own dear mother would have known what to do. Consider how she helped you and what advice she gave when you were in the same position and try doing the same for your DD.

You say you don’t want DD to have the same life and outcomes as you (you sound like a really caring mum staying on the sofa for your daughter) but really you are in a unique position to help her avoid some of the pit falls that made motherhood so difficult and lonely for you.

It’s possible this experience of becoming a grandmother could be healing and positive in the long term.

In terms of your DD being lazy, that will quickly come to an end when the baby arrives. She may be able to get council accommodation or support from the fathers family so you won’t necessarily be up all night.

Best of luck to you all

Sorry for your loss OP. I think it's important that your DD understands she will be responsible for everything to do with the baby. It will sleep in her room etc. I think everyone is right, you will lose the lodger. How will you cope with that shortfall in income?

If her DGM has been very anti-abortion, this might be clouding her judgement and making her think that isn't an option for her.

In your shoes, I’d encourage her to grow up FAST. She still thinks having a baby will be all cuddles and nice walks with a buggy and that you will step in when she fancies a night out.

Get her to make a list of the expenditure she’s going to need inc. housing and utility bills etc. and options for earning money and make it clear to her that you won’t be stepping in to help out either financially or with babysitting.

Also, she needs to start looking for somewhere to live because you can’t let your room out with a crying baby around.

She needs a harsh dose of reality!

@SnoopyLovesLucy

Every single post here is about the women involved.

What about the father?

You say she's not with him- so a ONS perhaps? Or a relationship that isn't any more?

BUT he has fathered a child and the responsibility is 50% his.
He should be paying towards it till the child is 18.

What are his parents doing in all of this? Do they even know?

It's 2022 and it's time men were accountable for their actions.
It's fine to say your DD was slow in sorting contraception but couldn't he buy condoms? Or her?

She can't possibly live at home in the present circs.
You'd lose your lodger - they won't want to live with a screaming baby all night.

You need to get a plan as they will need notice.

Sorry about your Mum and sorry you are going through this but it sounds as if your DD has no idea of what she's bringing on herself and you.

I was just about to reply with this.

This should be between your daughter and the father. By all means support her, but make it absolutely clear to her that this pregnancy and baby are their responsibility, and it’s up to them NOW (not a few months after the baby is born) to start figuring out living arrangements, finances, childcare, etc.

Sorry for your loss. You need a full and frank discussion with her about what kind of life she can offer a child and the finances of making that happen. I would recommend abortion but she might hold that against you forever. Ultimately it is her decision.