Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below

[Shawaddywaddeee]

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

[douliket]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation and that you have recently lost your mum. You are not a shit granny or mum to be feeling like you do, you are in fact a very caring mum and Granny to be so concerned for your dd and rightly so as you have been there and know how tough it is. I have been there too.
Firstly, your dd is now an adult and you make it clear to her that you love her and will love this baby but you will not be rearing this child if she chooses to proceed with the pregnancy. I thought too that I would stay at home for the first year after having my dd young but my mother put her foot down and insisted I move out and it was the best thing I ever did. I didn't think that at the time however. But it made me grow up and become responsible.
Make it clear to your dd that you will not be financing the rearing of this child in any way. You can tell her that you will open a savings acc maybe and put a few bob in it at Xmas and birthdays for when they baby is older but that's it.
You must tell her that you are still young and getting on your feet so you cannot afford them to be in your home and you cannot regularly provide childcare but that you will be there every so often if she is stuck.
Be very clear from the start. This is not your problem, this is your dds responsibility. If you make it easy for her, you are all going to suffer. You can still be the doting granny but you are not in a position to go backwards in your life. It is your time now to make a life for yourself and you do not need to made feel guilty for this.
This is all on your dd and you need to have a very serious conversation with her now, asap so that your dd is very aware of her life choices.
Best of luck, it will all work out but you need to stay strong to your word x

[CrabbyAggie]

I get that it must be totally frustrating and infuriating as you don’t want your DD to struggle like you did (much more difficult to set up home these days without a high paying job and practically zero chance of council housing especially in the South), you warned her to use contraception as she’s not in a position to have a baby financially or in a stable relationship, and you are worried about how it affect you in terms of your DD needing help and the disruption to your life. You are totally right to feel like that too. I’d be absolutely furious in your position. My DD is now 25 and in a stable relationship and a good job after Uni but still living at home and finding it hard financially to move out.

But it’s done now and although I would advise an abortion if it was my DD, she needs to make the decision and live with it herself. I wouldn’t kick her out either at this vulnerable stage.

You need to think practically. Would the extra benefits your DD would get like child tax credits. universal credit (which she can apply for when she finishes college in the summer as an adult) and child benefit cover the rent the lodger pays do you have more space? When she goes back to work, she’ll get tax credits for childcare and probably universal credit if she’s a low earner.

She can put her name on the council housing list but I wouldn’t hold my breath on that. When she’s gets back into work and the baby’s a bit older, she could work towards getting her own housing.

As for the baby waking you up, that’s a hard one but she may be lucky and have a well behaved one . If things get too much then you’ll have to tell her to move out but you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

Just take it as it comes, there are worse things that can happen to our DC .

[CrabbyAggie]

Oh and so sorry that you have lost your Mum so recently. It couldn’t have come at a worse time for you .

[runningfromtheoutlaws]

Sorry for your loss.

Have a frank chat about abortion as an option.

[drpet49]

I would feel the same as you OP.

[Justilou1]

I know you have all your emotions in nine million guilt baskets and none of them allow for you to choose freedom atm, @Shawaddywaddeee. There are ways to ask your daughter leading questions about this pregnancy that can “suggest” that you are not at all on board and that this is her situation to deal with….
“So… How do you and BF feel about being pregnant at 19?”, “What date have you and BF arranged an appointment with GP/Council to sort out prenatal care, benefits and appropriate housing?”, “Have you looked at Mumsnet forums about benefits, CM, and housing availability?”

[LittleGwyneth]

You are allowed to set boundaries here. If she wants to have a baby then she's doing the most adult thing in the entire world, and it's reasonable to expect her to behave accordingly. She doesn't automatically get to live with you with a baby. I think you need to sit down with her and be very clear about how much - and specifically what - support you are willing / able to give her, so that she's making an informed choice?

You are more than allowed to be upset - especially as you've just lost your own mother

[Spreadingtheword]

@userxx eh? OP literally explains first thing

• My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
  My daughter is lazy
  Unhelpful around the flat
  Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)*
  
  The daughter is lazy and and is unhelpful around the flat. So yes, dawdling around doing nothing - or at least dawdling around being lazy and unhelpful..

[WeedSeaS0ur]

Sorry for the loss of your DM

Plus the news about your DD

Two big life events at the same time

Not an easy time, be kind to yourself

I read recently, you cannot control other people, but you can control how you react

[Focus126]

Normally, I'd say 19 is too young to get pregnant, but you had her at 18 yourself, so you can't complain. It's the example you set for her.
She probably thinks it's ok because he mum did it too.

[ChangeMustCome]

Excuse me, Focus, it takes two people to get a woman pregnant. That's a horrible and unsupportive post! I hope you don't advise people in your real life like that but I suspect not, only when you can hide behind an anonymous user name on the internet.

[Farrandau]

@Focus126

Normally, I'd say 19 is too young to get pregnant, but you had her at 18 yourself, so you can't complain. It's the example you set for her.
She probably thinks it's ok because he mum did it too.

Yeah, we all spend our teens faithfully copying our mothers.

[3Daddy31982]

You can get money off your council tax for adult dependents. She can apply for uc. There are lots of baby banks that help with the essentials.

Aldi 79p newborn nappies are ace, superdrug maternity pads, superdrug breast pads, asda cotton wool.

She can apply for the sure start mat grant of 500 gbp.

Silvercross have an outlet on ebay and a lovely pram is only 200. (Obvs further down the line).

Aldi and asda baby events are fantastic

[3Daddy31982]

Council will say a baby can stay in a cot next to her room