Are WE being unreasonable?

[Vindicated2021]

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

Is this friend actually more than a friend? Sometimes comfort is found in those who aren’t the closest, if that makes sense. It’s a very difficult time for all of you and I can understand and see both viewpoints. Could the friend come and stand a few paces back, so DD21 knows they are there, but they’re not part of the main group? I’m very sorry for your loss.

Why would your husband feel uncomfortable with your nephew having some outside support? Will he feel inhibited by having someone he doesn't know there?

It’s happening (the friend is coming) so I’d try to rise above it and ignore the situation and try very hard to act and be as you all would before this friend was coming. If SIL wants a drama you won’t be playing into her hands that way as well as not marring the day you had planned.

No, you're definitely not, but this is one of those situations where there's absolutely nothing you can do about it without making things even worse. Just behave as though she's not there (I don't mean completely ignore her, this is not her fault). I hope the day is tolerable for you all .

He should have phoned. Texts are easier to misconstrue. Now it’s done, try not to inflame things further. What would you achieve? Alienating your niece?

@TFMinx

No definitely just a friend.

I think you are actually. Whatever your history with your SIL (and it sounds like there is some) she had the decency to warn you in advance. If anyone should have a say it should be your MIL and presumably she is happy with the situation?

Neither are wrong imo.

I’d be annoyed at Sils response though. I wonder why she bothered to text in the first place.

@dysmalRadius

Yes, that is the main issue.

@squashyhat

I think you are actually. Whatever your history with your SIL (and it sounds like there is some) she had the decency to warn you in advance. If anyone should have a say it should be your MIL and presumably she is happy with the situation?

Not much in advance though is it when op is about to leave

I wouldn't be happy at all, completely changes the atmosphere of the event

I do not see a problem at all. Why cause a family row over nothing at all.

What does your MIL think? I would be guided by her feelings

I don't think anyone us unreasonable here actually. You're all grieving and there isn't one correct way to do that. Sorry for your loss

I think YABU.

SIL is right that everyone can grieve in their own way. If the DD wants the support of a friend at a difficult time then she's entitled to that. I'm not sure why her presence would stop it from being a time of memories and reflection tbh?

It sounds like your DH is struggling understandably with what is going to be a very difficult day and he's just picked up on this as the thing to let some emotions out on.

YANBU but the friend is coming, so your DH needs to pull himself together and not create a horrible atmosphere because he only gets to do this once. And ultimately everyone (apart from the friend) is grieving for your FIL and none of them are wrong to do it in their own way. I absolutely wouldn’t be happy with it either though I have to say.

I think you a bit OP. I vaguely remember being 21ish and would have found comfort from a friend far easier to accept than comfort from family. Can't explain why, just how I was. Probably how I still am, actually.

I can't really see what difference it will make to your DH who will no doubt be more concerned about himself, his Mum and his sibling?

@squashyhat

I don't believe she is happy with it, but she knows how SIL can be so is just going along with it for a quiet life. DH is quite si laid back!

YABU, maybe DN needs support and doesn’t feel as close to you as you think? Why should your DH get to dictate how she feels supported?

It’s an emotive time, obviously, but your / his vision of how it should be should not trump other people’s.

Your niece is grieving too and she obviously wants comfort from her friend. Why deny her? I’d hate to think my family would be squabbling at my funeral over who is invited. I’d want as much love and support for my loved ones as possible irrespective of who they want to bring-as long as the friend wouldn’t frighten the horses and MIL is fine with it, you are BU.

If I was the friend I think I’d find it very awkward. Maybe they will realise and disappear after a bit?

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel it’s not appropriate. But as others have said, I don’t think there’s much to be gained from fighting about it now. Focus on getting through the day and supporting MIL and if the issue comes up, just say ‘we can discuss this later, not today’ or something along those lines.

If there's a horrible atmosphere then it will be down to your DH creating it. He need to stop being so controlling IMO, it's not his funeral and it's not up to him to decide who is and isn't allowed to be there over his sister. If the friend is disrespectful and silly then he'll have something to complain about, right now though he needs to remember this isn't all about him.

YABU. I don't see how it would change the event. Grief is personal. Let your DN grieve the way she needs to.

When mil ashes were scattered fil only wanted both sons, mils sister and husband there

Daughters in law and grandchildren were asked not to go…so we didn’t

I think your mil should be the one who decides, from your last post its sounds like she’ll do it to keep SIL happy

I understand your husbands anger, but he might need to live with it (as im sure he would do anyway) to keep his mum happy

💐

It should ultimately be your MIL's decision.

Thank you all for your replies. I've told him to let it go, be polite. We shall see how it goes.