Page 4 | Are WE being unreasonable?

CherieBabySpliffUp · 16/01/2022 11:13

YANBU, it sounds like the DN wants an excuse to bail early.

Toanewstart22 · 16/01/2022 11:15

Thoughtless? Yes

But your dh to be “raging” is an over reaction.

NellieWellietheEllie · 16/01/2022 11:15

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. We had a family death when my nephew was 21. I could tell he hated everything about the whole thing having never had any experience of death before (those of us who were older were at least familiar with the rituals of death, for him I think the whole situation was just unbearable). He had a friend around all the time too, as I think it was the only way he could make it through. I didn't begrudge him and mostly let them do their own thing, while concentrating on other family members who did want family support.

Youngstreet · 16/01/2022 11:17

I think sil is in the wrong.
If my dd wanted to bring a friend she would be told gently but firmly that it wasn't an appropriate situation.
A 21 year old does not need a friend to be there when she has her family unless her dp's are toxic, not the case here.
It's not a funeral and is a very private occassion.

Casamadrigal · 16/01/2022 11:18

You are definitely not being U. This is a private family occasion to remember your FIL. It is likely to be extremely emotional and difficult. It is entirely inappropriate that your niece is bringing someone who is a stranger to all of you, who did not know your FIL and whose presence is likely to make everyone feel uncomfortable and possibly inhibited. Your niece has her entire family there for support and has acted selfishly and thoughtlessly.

In particular I feel for your MIL, who deserves to scatter her husband’s ashes with the comfort of her family around her and without some random hanger on standing awkwardly at the edges.

Toanewstart22 · 16/01/2022 11:19

I think it’s more “off” to be starting a thread on this as you’re actually heading off the scatter your FIL’s ashes!

dapsnotplimsolls · 16/01/2022 11:19

It's a very personal event and I'd feel very uncomfortable with a stranger there. As others have said, it sounds like she wants an escape route. Your DH will just have to bite his lip and focus on supporting his Mum.

Youngstreet · 16/01/2022 11:21

@Toanewstart22 OP may be travelling and doesn't want to talk about it to already upset dh while he is driving.

Happyfeet1972 · 16/01/2022 11:25

I think its weird the friend even wants to be there. Scattering a loved ones ashes is one of the most personal and intimate moments I've ever had and isn't something I'd want to be involved in unless I loved and knew the person.
I don't disagree with your DP and think SIL should have told DN that today isn't really about her, it's a final day to say goodbye to FIL by people who loved him. I agree that DP wishes should trump DNs given he has lost a parent not a grandparent (sil obviously has too but the friend isn't there for her). However your MIL is the one that should come first today, and therefore your DP should not make a scene for her sake. I just hope MIL knew about the friend in advance as its pretty awful if she's been told last min that a stranger will witness her scatter her husbands ashes.

WonderfulYou · 16/01/2022 11:25

I agree and would feel very awkward having a stranger at something so personal however your DH’s reaction is way over the top and he needs to calm down.

OrangeShark27 · 16/01/2022 11:27

You say the DN has her entire family for support but currently her uncle is throwing a tantrum in the car because she felt she needed a friend and her aunt has started a MN thread to moan about the situation. I'm not seeing an awful lot of support

Her grandmother and mother are grieving someone close to them. You will likely be supporting your DH and 2 DC. Her siblings are much younger. She doesn't really have anyone there to support just her. 21 is an odd age I think, it's an age where funerals really become real but death can be very hard to process. I found that by far the hardest age to lose someone. Let her have her support

WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 11:29

@OrangeShark27

You say the DN has her entire family for support but currently her uncle is throwing a tantrum in the car because she felt she needed a friend and her aunt has started a MN thread to moan about the situation. I'm not seeing an awful lot of support

Her grandmother and mother are grieving someone close to them. You will likely be supporting your DH and 2 DC. Her siblings are much younger. She doesn't really have anyone there to support just her. 21 is an odd age I think, it's an age where funerals really become real but death can be very hard to process. I found that by far the hardest age to lose someone. Let her have her support

It's. Not. A. Funeral!!

If she is so uncomfortable she should not attend this private family event for scattering the ashes.

Not make others feel uncomfortable

Scattering of the ashes is typically a private family affair, not like a funeral

TopTabby · 16/01/2022 11:29

I think it's completely inappropriate for her to be there.
I think she'll probably realise that for herself actually & I can imagine she's going to feel pretty awkward.
It'd be a polite greeting & no more from me, it's not really a social occasion.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/01/2022 11:29

Generally best to remember you can't generally dictate the actions of other adults.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 16/01/2022 11:33

I honestly can't understand why the friend would even agree to attend something so personal. Why would they want to be there it's incredibly inappropriate to go to witness a stranger scatter their loved ones ashes.

I really hope your MIL hasn't had this sprung on her and that she and your husband are able to say goodbye properly without having a stranger standing awkwardly in the corner witnessing their grief.

OrangeShark27 · 16/01/2022 11:33

@WinnersDinner I know it's not a funeral but that doesn't change the fact she will likely need support. I would have found going to the scattering of my grandparents ashes quite scary at that age, and I imagine a likely scenario is she has confided in a friend that she is worried about going and the friend has offered to come to make it easier for her.

MananaTomorrow · 16/01/2022 11:34

@OrangeShark27, the DN also has her father there to support her. And her mum. Basically her family around the same way that the OP’s dcs have her and their family around to support them.

The OP’s DH is grieving just as much as the SIL. So by your standards he is just as justified to have a tantrum as his sister. (Not that I believe either fi them are actually having a tantrum. That’s your words there)

The DN is NOT on her own wo support, no more than any other members of the family. She actually has the same support than anyone else.

Which then bears the question: why does she feel the need to have more support than anyone else? She has mum, dada and sing lungs around her right?

Happyfeet1972 · 16/01/2022 11:34

And yes there's a huge difference between a funeral and scattering of ashes. A funeral is a celebration of someone's life and normally attended by lots of people. It's hugely different and so much more intimate, not at all comparable. It's one of the most loving things you can do for a person, to scatter them where they wanted to be, where they were happy, after they've died. I think the friend will regret coming tbh, she'll feel so awkward and out of place.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 16/01/2022 11:36

I'm with your DH.

A stranger will change the dynamic. It's intrusive and thoughtless of your SIL. Is she your DH's sister or the wife of his brother? That's relevant as well, I would think.

EmpressSuiko · 16/01/2022 11:36

I see it from both sides but I don’t think I could get angry over this, my parents allowed me to bring a friend to my grandmothers funeral, it’s not that family don’t offer support its just some people find it easier to confide in their friends.

Your niece is grieving as well and please don’t forget her friend is going to feel very out of place and awkward but they clearly care about your niece an awful lot.

Personally I’d let it go, it will still be a special family moment for you all

WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 11:37

[quote OrangeShark27]@WinnersDinner I know it's not a funeral but that doesn't change the fact she will likely need support. I would have found going to the scattering of my grandparents ashes quite scary at that age, and I imagine a likely scenario is she has confided in a friend that she is worried about going and the friend has offered to come to make it easier for her.[/quote]
Then why bring up a funeral?

She has her whole family there for support

And, if she doesn't feel like her family will be her support she should simply not attend

She doesn't have the right to make others uncomfortable because she would be.

She is one person, her not being comfortable alone is one thing, her bringing a random stranger is making multiple people uncomfortable.

Just no

ESGdance · 16/01/2022 11:37

@Vindicated2021

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

I suspect that your DH is raging at his sisters “How dare he…..” tirade after he replied back with a calm and gentle supportive text to his sister expressing his preference.

It seems it’s the SIL blow up rather than the actual friend that is now setting the tone.

I suspect that she uses her anger, dominance and volatility to control everyone around her.

Today don’t step into her rage. Concentrate on MIL, DH, FIL memory and all the DCs.

TheOccupier · 16/01/2022 11:39

YANBU - this is inappropriate.

Sounds like the DD takes after her mother in drama-queen tendencies and has found a friend who similarly enjoys drama.

AlwaysinaFlap · 16/01/2022 11:40

@ClariceQuiff

It should ultimately be your MIL's decision.

No way should this shit be put on MIL today of all days.

Happyfeet1972 · 16/01/2022 11:43

@OrangeShark27 then she shouldn't go. Surely at 21 she is old enough to understand no matter her own grief, there are people who have lost someone closer than a grandparent and their needs come first.
I lost 2 grandparents at 17-18 and while i went to their funerals wasn't invited to scattering of their ashes. I understood that the wishes of my bereaved grandparent/uncles/aunties and what they needed were above mine.

Having scattered a parents ashes, I think its incredibly weird a stranger would want to go tbh.