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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are WE being unreasonable?

337 replies

Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 09:34

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Flamingofeathers · 16/01/2022 09:55

I think your DH should recognise that he has you for support in a way that he wouldn’t lean on his DM for support. Why shouldn’t the Niece get support in that way too, it’s v different being supported by a friend than by family at that age.

WTF475878237NC · 16/01/2022 09:55

I would hate strangers there for such a private event where the family should be able to cry together in private. YANBU.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 16/01/2022 09:56

YANBU. Having a stranger there observing your grief makes me very uncomfortable. It's a private moment. The friend should be there to support away from the group, after the event.
SIL sounds like a dick.

Szyz2020 · 16/01/2022 09:57

YANBU - it’s a difficult sad event for a close knit group. What if all the children asked to being a friend. That would be 5 strangers turning up. You have no idea if this person will be helpful or an annoying hindrance. Very rude and unfair to change the dynamic in this way.

But your DH needs to let it go and focus on his mum and himself rather than let this spoil things. Your SIL will presumably be looking for an argument too. Drama all round - perhaps that’s the aim. So he’s be best to ignore and rise above.

FindmeuptheFarawaytree · 16/01/2022 10:00

I understand where the two of you are coming from, but I'd prefer to focus on other things. I think it's nice that your niece has someone who will support her.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/01/2022 10:01

Sounds like it’s your DH who loves to make drama! I’m so sorry for your family’s loss but if your DN needs that support she should be free to have it.

ineedsun · 16/01/2022 10:01

@Szyz2020

YANBU - it’s a difficult sad event for a close knit group. What if all the children asked to being a friend. That would be 5 strangers turning up. You have no idea if this person will be helpful or an annoying hindrance. Very rude and unfair to change the dynamic in this way.

But your DH needs to let it go and focus on his mum and himself rather than let this spoil things. Your SIL will presumably be looking for an argument too. Drama all round - perhaps that’s the aim. So he’s be best to ignore and rise above.

Blimey! That’s a bit of a reach
museumum · 16/01/2022 10:04

It’s tricky at 21. I certainly was a lot closer to friends than family at that age and I don’t think that’s unusual. Many 21 year olds cannot be themselves with their family. Mine treated me as a daft teenager at that age and would have sat me with the kids. I would have liked to bring a friend.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 16/01/2022 10:05

Can't understand why you have reacted like this, people often bring along a partner or friend (who really knows which one they are) to support them when they are upset at funerals. It may be less usual for the scattering of the ashes, I don't know. It's just not worth falling out over. Your husband is taking out his anger at the situation on someone else here.

Just really can't see why you have to control who comes- everyone important is invited and then you all turn up (with or without friends/partners), cry a bit and go away.

If the FIL specifically requested only very particular people that would be different.

Jobsharenightmare · 16/01/2022 10:06

No way should a grandchild get to choose who is there above the feelings of the children surely.

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/01/2022 10:07

It’s a private moment now witnessed by a stranger. I wouldn’t like it either.

MindyStClaire · 16/01/2022 10:09

I think the person making the atmosphere is your DH, it's normal at that age to prefer to confide in a friend rather than a parent.

5thHelena · 16/01/2022 10:11

I don't understand the issue at all and would be happy for a young adult who might not have been to this kind of event before to bring a friend for support.

Medievalist · 16/01/2022 10:11

I’d hate to think my family would be squabbling at my funeral over who is invited

But it's not a funeral - it's a scattering of ashes.

YANBU op - I would be livid and am amazed that anyone would not understand what the problem is. It's a shame this has been dropped on you at the last minute so there isn't time to have a proper discussion with MIL about her wishes.

Crowdfundingforcake · 16/01/2022 10:12

Yanbu. There was a similar thread a few weeks ago. It will be emotional and tbh I think it's odd that someone outside the family who didn't know fil will be there. Your niece has her whole family for support. Your DH and MIL may not want some random stranger seeing them break down in tears. Totally inappropriate.

Original poster
Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 10:14

@Medievalist

I think that's the issue. This friend didn't come to the funeral. We are a very close knit family and I know who DNs close friends are and have met them too. None of them came to the funeral and this is the first time we have ever this girls name mentioned. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 16/01/2022 10:14

I think a lot of people are interpreting this as a funeral rather than an ashes scattering. The latter is far more private, immediate family only usually.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 16/01/2022 10:15

I’d hate to think my family would be squabbling at my funeral over who is invited

But it's not a funeral - it's a scattering of ashes.

Agreed…I don’t know why people keep saying its a funeral…they are two very different things and its MIL who decides (ultimately) what happens to the ashes and in what circumstances

KiloWhat · 16/01/2022 10:15

Bit odd and should have been discussed way in advance imo.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 16/01/2022 10:15

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

I think a lot of people are interpreting this as a funeral rather than an ashes scattering. The latter is far more private, immediate family only usually.
I was too slow….exactly this
KiloWhat · 16/01/2022 10:16

But then if they were a boy/girlfriend I wouldn't find it odd. So maybe I need to examine my own prejudices with regard friendship vs romantic relationships.

lololololollll · 16/01/2022 10:20

I would hate that. Crying in front Of a stranger is awful

FryingpanintoFire · 16/01/2022 10:20

It sounds as if SIL has form for being unreasonable?

I think it's odd to have a friend at a private family occasion like this, especially one who wasn't at the funeral.

Hertsgirl10 · 16/01/2022 10:20

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all it’s his dad, it’s not a day out for the niece …

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this to the point I probably wouldn’t go.

SIL sounds like an arsehole.

MananaTomorrow · 16/01/2022 10:24

I have to say two things came to my mind

  • the friend is more than just a friend but they haven’t said anything about it yet.
  • the dd21 is uneasy about the whole things, thinks it will boring etc… so wants an escape route/talk to someone about something else

Od ignore the friend when she arrives (bar a polite hello of course) and concentrate on having the day like you want it. Reminisce about FIL. Share memories etc… she will probably feel out of place. That’s because she is. But that’s nit your job to deal with it.