Are WE being unreasonable?

[Vindicated2021]

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

[quote OrangeShark27]@WinnersDinner I know it's not a funeral but that doesn't change the fact she will likely need support. I would have found going to the scattering of my grandparents ashes quite scary at that age, and I imagine a likely scenario is she has confided in a friend that she is worried about going and the friend has offered to come to make it easier for her.[/quote]
She's 21. Why would it be 'scary'?

However, I suspect your 21 year old niece is also uncomfortable at the thought of the event planned for today and feels happier having a friend nearby for support.

DN should have been told very firmly that the day is not about her and that, as an adult, she needs to put her own discomfort aside and consider whether the woman who is scattering her DH's ashes would wish the event to be observed by a complete stranger. (Sounds as if DMIL has reluctantly agreed to this in order to keep the peace).

Ash scattering is deeply personal. My dsis and I were the only people involved in scattering our dps' ashes. Family and friends had been to the funerals.

I’d hate it to OP. A funeral? Fine. But for the ashes I think it is inappropriate realistically what could SIL do though? Her child is grieving too and she probably felt she couldn’t say no

A 21 year old woman can, of course, bring a single friend for support to a funeral. It is very unreasonable for another attendee to suggest otherwise and to rage about it.

Similar situation happened for me when scattering the ashes of a parent. The friend had never met my parent, didn’t attend the funeral, but came to the scattering of the ashes. First time they’d met us. It completely changed the dynamic of the occasion.
You husband has every right to his feelings, and I’m sorry so many posters are minimising his grief and feelings of discomfort having a stranger present at an emotional event. It’s no wonder men are reluctant to talk about their feelings.

@Mischance

I do not see a problem at all. Why cause a family row over nothing at all.

He's grieving his father and feels uncomfortable with the idea of a stranger beig close, watching that grief?

Perfectly normal and there is no need to judge him for it or to suggest he is wrong for feeling that way.

@ConsiderablyRicherThanYow

A 21 year old woman can, of course, bring a single friend for support to a funeral. It is very unreasonable for another attendee to suggest otherwise and to rage about it.

Why do so many posters seems to think it is a funeral. This is the scattering of the OPs DHs parent not their funeral. The 2 things are very different events.

Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes. The amount of threads I’ve seen with almost unanimous agreement that a persons child/spouse/random friend shouldn’t be allowed to tag along to a girlie lunch or a hen do or something as it ‘spoils the dynamic’. But people are falling over themselves here to explain why a 21 year old should be able to bring along an unknown (to the family) friend to an intensely private family moment.

OP - you are your DH are absolutely not being unreasonable. It’s totally inappropriate.

@ConsiderablyRicherThanYow IT’S NOT A FUNERAL

How many more fucking times

YABU although it's a difficult time and emotions are fraught so your UR is understandable. But SIL wasn't asking for permission. She was informing you that her DD's friend was coming. That makes your DH's response a bit odd tbh.
It's easy to redirect grief into petty arguments and disagreements but it won't help anyone.

This is an interesting post and the vote is very evenly divided.

If the niece wants the company of a friend whilst scattering her GPs ashes it seems fine to me. I'm at a loss to understand why it should be an exclusive event.

If her uncle is the sort to get into a rage over things and create an unpleasant atmosphere at family events and her mother is a known drama queen I can can quite understand why she would want a uninvolved person there as a buffer.

I understand your husband being upset.

Very strange that a stranger would want to attend I think. Also strange that they are being driven by the stranger's boyfriend who will, hopefully, remain in the car. Your niece sounds a bit of an attention seeker.

I don't understand why the niece can't be comforted by her parents, siblings and anyway she should be comforting them and her grandma and not just thinking of herself.

SIL sounds a monster- niece has probably learned some of the 'I do what suits me' behaviour from her mother.

Rise above it for the sake of DH's mum today. It will be a tough enough day without a row. No need for much contact anyway.

If Mil is happy with them being there, your DH just has to suck it up.

It really wouldn't bother me.

It’s very inappropriate at what’s a private, intimate family affair. I know people who’ve kept it to blood relatives only (ie no in-laws). DN sounds immature and self-centred, and someone needs to kindly point that out to her.

I’m sure the friend has been told it’s fine for them to come and that the occasion is a casual, public thing, but if that’s not the case it will be embarrassing for them too.

Could your DH speak to his DM and ask her honestly if she’s ok with it? She’s probably not but feels too overwhelmed to deal with it.

Doesn't sound to me like it's the SIL who's trying to cause drama

If the niece wants the company of a friend whilst scattering her GPs ashes it seems fine to me. I'm at a loss to understand why it should be an exclusive event.

Have you ever been to the scattering of someone's ashes it's not a free for all it is absolutely an exclusive event which should be soley for close family unless the family have expressed otherwise.

[quote Vindicated2021]@squashyhat

I don't believe she is happy with it, but she knows how SIL can be so is just going along with it for a quiet life. DH is quite si laid back![/quote]
Have you asked her?

@ConsiderablyRicherThanYow

A 21 year old woman can, of course, bring a single friend for support to a funeral. It is very unreasonable for another attendee to suggest otherwise and to rage about it.

Not a funeral.

At the scattering of MILs ashes, a family event we thought e had kept from anyone else, one of her ex boyfriend's turned up. DH went rigid when he some him approach and hissed at me to get rid of him.

So I did. I walked over to a man I had never met before and said "The family do not wish you to be here, please leave" and he did.

Turned out PoisonousSIL had met him at a work function and told him he would be welcome to attend and go back to her house for the family gathering. She was a tad put out and tried to make a fuss but was told to shut up, only time I ever witnessed that, by BIL.

Sometimes you can't expect bereaved people to be accommodating. Surely the scattering of a parent's ashes is one of them.

Your SIL is BU.

21yo or not, this niece hasn’t been raised right if she thinks this is appropriate.

What thought has the niece given he grandmother, aunt and uncle who are scattering the ashes of their husband/father?

None. The niece is thinking only of herself.

SIL is backing her up.

Awful behaviour.

I hope today isn’t too difficult OP

@Medievalist

However, I suspect your 21 year old niece is also uncomfortable at the thought of the event planned for today and feels happier having a friend nearby for support.

DN should have been told very firmly that the day is not about her and that, as an adult, she needs to put her own discomfort aside and consider whether the woman who is scattering her DH's ashes would wish the event to be observed by a complete stranger. (Sounds as if DMIL has reluctantly agreed to this in order to keep the peace).

Ash scattering is deeply personal. My dsis and I were the only people involved in scattering our dps' ashes. Family and friends had been to the funerals.

So should the OPs husband be told it's not all about him?

I think I'd share your DH's feelings here so YANBU.

If I lost my parent and had a planned goodbye with just immediate family members - I'd find bringing in a stranger, especially without even asking other family members, but just announcing it - would be very rude, very intrusive and would definitely make me hit the roof.

I also happen to think that the deceased children and wife's needs supersede those of grandchildren, so a grandchild wanting to bring in a stranger into such an intimate and emotional event would be even less likely to get my support.

YABU. I doubt the girl will really impact everyone's individual grieving.

What a shame that, on the day of his funeral, the siblings are fighting like this. He wouldn't have wanted it and it's not great for MIL.

It's a time for everyone to rally round, get on and support MIL. Your husband was unreasonable telling others who they can invite, and your SIL for being personal and aggressive in response.

What a shame that, on the day of his funeral, the siblings are fighting like this. He wouldn't have wanted it and it's not great for MIL.

Its not a funeral. Its the scattering of someone's ashes. They are not at all comparable.

I dont understand why your niece needs 'support' for this, it seems a bit over the top.

However, while I find it odd, I don't understand why your DH needed to overreact in quite the way he did either.

I'd have been a bit and but I'd have let it go.

@FriendshipsAreHardForMe

YABU. I doubt the girl will really impact everyone's individual grieving.

What a shame that, on the day of his funeral, the siblings are fighting like this. He wouldn't have wanted it and it's not great for MIL.

It's a time for everyone to rally round, get on and support MIL. Your husband was unreasonable telling others who they can invite, and your SIL for being personal and aggressive in response.

It's not a pissing funeral

How many times can this be pointed out?

Scattering of ashes is far more private than a bloody funeral