Page 6 | Are WE being unreasonable?

Vindicated2021 · 2022-01-16T09:34:12+00:00

Scattering FILs ashes today. There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs. SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13. Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support" I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times. DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues. SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama). We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere. Are we being unreasonable here?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2022 12:03

@PinkWaferBiscuit

If the niece wants the company of a friend whilst scattering her GPs ashes it seems fine to me. I'm at a loss to understand why it should be an exclusive event.

Have you ever been to the scattering of someone's ashes it's not a free for all it is absolutely an exclusive event which should be soley for close family unless the family have expressed otherwise.

That's unfair. There isn't a blanket rule saying that it should or shouldn't be a private family affair. Just because that's your view on it doesn't mean that applies for other people.

ancientgran · 16/01/2022 12:04

@WinnersDinner

YANBU

Who had the ashes? If it is you I would honestly not take them and stop this madness

It's absolutely inappropriate, I'd refuse to attend if this happened for my family

How dare they, especially giving such short notice

If DD21 needed additional support she shouldn't attend the scattering and pay respects after - not ruin it for others

Well wouldn't that be lovely for the widow, her husband's ashes being held to ransom by her son and his wife.

What a totally ridiculous idea, and as for "ruining it" it isn't supposed to be fun you know.

WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 12:04

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Based on the OP this was also supposed to be a private family event

Hence the reaction and the small guest list

PinkWaferBiscuit · 16/01/2022 12:05

That's unfair.
There isn't a blanket rule saying that it should or shouldn't be a private family affair.
Just because that's your view on it doesn't mean that applies for other people.

Its not just my view though and it's not unfair . It's quite a widely held view that the scattering of someone's ashes is exactly that a personal and private family event.

Bluetrews25 · 16/01/2022 12:05

So if the friend and her boyfriend weren't going, DN would not have a ride to the 'event'. Ah. Interesting.
Unless friend and boyfriend are complete grief vultures and would be posting on SM about it, they will likely remain in the car or at a respectable distance. (I hope)
Hoping they've not just come for a free meal out.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/01/2022 12:05

@SeeMyLanyardAndWeepBitch

I dont understand why your niece needs 'support' for this, it seems a bit over the top.

However, while I find it odd, I don't understand why your DH needed to overreact in quite the way he did either.

I'd have been a bit and but I'd have let it go.

That's nice. You are entirely welcome to your own view.

Ad s is OPs DH.

ancientgran · 16/01/2022 12:08

[quote Happyfeet1972]@OrangeShark27 then she shouldn't go. Surely at 21 she is old enough to understand no matter her own grief, there are people who have lost someone closer than a grandparent and their needs come first.
I lost 2 grandparents at 17-18 and while i went to their funerals wasn't invited to scattering of their ashes. I understood that the wishes of my bereaved grandparent/uncles/aunties and what they needed were above mine.

Having scattered a parents ashes, I think its incredibly weird a stranger would want to go tbh.[/quote]
Families vary. My GS lives with me, he is as close as a son.

People seem to be ignoring that the OPs MIL is going along with this, I know people seem to be deciding why she is doing this but the truth is we don't know, she might be touched that a young person wants to come along and support her granddaughter. I certainly would be happy in those circumstances if my GC wanted support.

Lovelydovey · 16/01/2022 12:08

We had a similar fall out in our family over my parents ashes. My DB decided on the day that he was bringing a spade as he didn’t like the thought of scattering them and told us via text. I couldn’t cope with the change of plan and lack of forethought and so didn’t go. They scattered the ashes without me and I’m not sure I will ever get over that.

Don’t fall out over this. Either accept that the plans have changed or suggest that you rearrange and discuss in more detail in advance how this will happen and that surprises are not sprung the morning of the event.

DickMabutt73962 · 16/01/2022 12:10

@WTF475878237NC

I would hate strangers there for such a private event where the family should be able to cry together in private. YANBU.

This really. I think the niece is making it all about her by having an outsider intrude on a private event because 'her feelings'

C152 · 16/01/2022 12:11

@ClariceQuiff

It should ultimately be your MIL's decision.

This.

However, notwithstanding that it is for your MIL to decide who is invited, I can understand both sides. It's understandable your DH wants this to be a private, family gathering without strangers. Your niece is being thoughtless (I doubt it even occured to her to wonder what others would think of her bringing a plus one) but, it is also understandable that if she was close with her grandfather, she would like some extra support.

No advice other than, your niece will no doubt end up bringing this stranger, so your DH will have to find a way to get past it and be there to support his mother. Sorry for your family's loss, OP.

Santahasjoinedww · 16/01/2022 12:14

Wondering how was the dd supported at the actual funeral...

ancientgran · 16/01/2022 12:15

@Happyfeet1972

And yes there's a huge difference between a funeral and scattering of ashes. A funeral is a celebration of someone's life and normally attended by lots of people. It's hugely different and so much more intimate, not at all comparable. It's one of the most loving things you can do for a person, to scatter them where they wanted to be, where they were happy, after they've died. I think the friend will regret coming tbh, she'll feel so awkward and out of place.

I'm not sure that is so true anymore. I know people who have had/plan to have a direct cremation and the scattering of the ashes will be where people come together to remember the deceased.

Things change and evolve.

DaggerIsle · 16/01/2022 12:17

Correct thing would have been for your niece to ask her GM if it was OK.
As it's such an intimate moment I totally understand your DH. His sister's reply was shit TBH.
There are moments in grief that shouldn't be shared.

Medievalist · 16/01/2022 12:18

People seem to be ignoring that the OPs MIL is going along with this, I know people seem to be deciding why she is doing this but the truth is we don't know, she might be touched that a young person wants to come along and support her granddaughter. I certainly would be happy in those circumstances if my GC wanted support.

Op - who has the benefit of knowing her MIL - has already said:
I don't believe she is happy with it, but she knows how SIL can be so is just going along with it for a quiet life.

wishmyhousetidy · 16/01/2022 12:20

@5thHelena

I don't understand the issue at all and would be happy for a young adult who might not have been to this kind of event before to bring a friend for support.

i equally don’t understand why it matters personally- but we are all different. Your husband has you for support and I would just be happy that everyone gets the choice to have the same support.

SunshineCake1 · 16/01/2022 12:21

I hope it goes better that you fear but in the future I would be side lining the ridiculous immature SIL with her drama loving ways.

I'm sorry for you loss .

Original poster

Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 12:21

Thank you all for your responses.

We got to where we needed to go and DN was there without her friend.

Not a word was mentioned about it. We all stood round in a huddle with cuddles and hand holding. Had a few tears and a few laughs and he is now in the most beautiful of spots, exactly where he wanted to be. DH and SIL had a moment alone.

No animosity, just a beautiful family moment.

OP posts:

CharityDingle · 16/01/2022 12:23

@SunshineCake1

I hope it goes better that you fear but in the future I would be side lining the ridiculous immature SIL with her drama loving ways.

I'm sorry for you loss .

Agreed.

CharityDingle · 16/01/2022 12:24

@Vindicated2021

Thank you all for your responses.

We got to where we needed to go and DN was there without her friend.

Not a word was mentioned about it. We all stood round in a huddle with cuddles and hand holding. Had a few tears and a few laughs and he is now in the most beautiful of spots, exactly where he wanted to be. DH and SIL had a moment alone.

No animosity, just a beautiful family moment.

That's lovely to hear. Once again, I'm sorry for your loss.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 16/01/2022 12:25

@Vindicated2021

Thank you all for your responses.

We got to where we needed to go and DN was there without her friend.

Not a word was mentioned about it. We all stood round in a huddle with cuddles and hand holding. Had a few tears and a few laughs and he is now in the most beautiful of spots, exactly where he wanted to be. DH and SIL had a moment alone.

No animosity, just a beautiful family moment.

Am so glad it all went off without any awkwardness and without the presence of a stranger.

How odd that SIL had to add to the stress of the day with something that never even happened though, I wonder if there was ever a friend coming.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 16/01/2022 12:27

@Vindicated2021

Thank you all for your responses.

We got to where we needed to go and DN was there without her friend.

Not a word was mentioned about it. We all stood round in a huddle with cuddles and hand holding. Had a few tears and a few laughs and he is now in the most beautiful of spots, exactly where he wanted to be. DH and SIL had a moment alone.

No animosity, just a beautiful family moment.

Glad it went as well as it could have OP.

ZenNudist · 16/01/2022 12:28

YABU and controlling. You don't get to say who comes. If MIL is OK with it so should you. Also your dc and dns are very likely to bring a friend to family events as they get older. It must be a good friend to come along to this. "Raging" about it does no good.

ConsiderablyRicherThanYow · 16/01/2022 12:30

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat when we scattered my dad's ashes it was pretty much like the funeral. It just didn't have the minister and fewer distant friends and family. Nobody would have cared if one of the family had brought a friend. I do realise that others see a significant distinction between the two events. I still don't see the harm in the friend supporting the niece. I still think the raging is unreasonable.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/01/2022 12:33

@ZenNudist

YABU and controlling. You don't get to say who comes. If MIL is OK with it so should you. Also your dc and dns are very likely to bring a friend to family events as they get older. It must be a good friend to come along to this. "Raging" about it does no good.

How many 'misunderstandings' can there be in one post?

@Vindicated2021 It's good it all worked out OK. for you all

dapsnotplimsolls · 16/01/2022 12:33

Glad to hear it went as well as it could have done in the end. I bet most of the people who voted YABU thought it was a funeral. Le sigh.