Are WE being unreasonable?

[Vindicated2021]

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

Everyone’s emotions are heightened in grief.

Existing family tension are magnified and amplified and disproportionate and damaging reactions are a real risk.

It’s fine that you don’t agree to the extra guest. It’s not your preference and it wouldn’t be mine. However I would be exceptionally focused on ensuring that the MIL and DH and your own DC have a warm and compassionate experience. It will be brief - don’t get distracted by this

Know that you are all on edge and try to keep steady for the bigger picture. Your DH needs to model to his DCs how to remain dignified.

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

I think a lot of people are interpreting this as a funeral rather than an ashes scattering. The latter is far more private, immediate family only usually.

Well it depends doesn’t it?

My FIL funeral was help in a church and open to all. There was A LOT of people there. We had a ‘small do’ as MIL put it, people I had never seen, some family members and some friends of his. This is how it should be really.

When we went to scatter the ashes, it was only the close family. MIL, DH and us, SIL and her family. That was it. It was much more intimate than the funeral itself.

Maybe your niece is gay and it’s her girlfriend. Regardless, I would have told MIL I wasn’t going unless it was family only. Two can play at the game of spoiling it for everyone.

@MananaTomorrow

Definitely not more than a friend. As her friends boyfriend is driving them both to the place.

YANBU

Who had the ashes? If it is you I would honestly not take them and stop this madness

It's absolutely inappropriate, I'd refuse to attend if this happened for my family

How dare they, especially giving such short notice

If DD21 needed additional support she shouldn't attend the scattering and pay respects after - not ruin it for others

I understand why you find it uncomfortable, and admittedly it is a little unusual. However, I suspect your 21 year old niece is also uncomfortable at the thought of the event planned for today and feels happier having a friend nearby for support.

Perhaps niece's relationship with her own parents and with the rest of the family is not an easy one, hence her need for an additional source of support.

If your MIL is OK with it and has raised no objections then your DH needs to accept that without causing an atmosphere.

I met my own 21 year old niece's boyfriend for the first time at my own Dad's funeral last March. He was there to support her as she is one of the grandchildren. I didn't even find it that odd to be honest.

I hope your DH lets it go. I can really see no point in "hitting the roof" about it. I'm sure the friend will be a perfectly nice person and a good support to your niece.

[quote Vindicated2021]@MananaTomorrow

Definitely not more than a friend. As her friends boyfriend is driving them both to the place.[/quote]
I think then as PP pointed out that DN21 is looking for a rapid escape route and will likely clear off with the friend and the friends boyfriend.

I would look on it that the DN21 doesn’t feel that she will be emotionally supported enough by her own DM (SIL) possibly?

I understand how your dh feels. My darling mum had a very sudden, traumatic death at a relatively young age. Me and my dsis were with her and it was horrific. She lived with me and I was devastated, she was my best friend in the whole world. We are only a small family, my brother is a very private person who keeps himself to himself and the funeral was certainly not going to be a celebration of life, as it was hard to find any peace or anything uplifting after the tragedy. Before the funeral I let it be known that we wanted immediate family only, I knew it was going to be very emotional, adults crying etc and I wanted my brother to feel comfortable to express his grief. Even my "in your face" in laws respected this and stayed away. However, my sister's in laws insisted on attending and his mother viewed it as a family get together, even though she hadn't seen my mum for years. As we stood outside afterwards she chatted and laughed loudly, teasing my brother about stuff he'd done when a teenager. My brother was very upset to the point he left and went home alone instead of coming back to mine with everyone else. When we scattered he ashes the following weekend he refused to come as he was worried who would be there. Your dn will have her family with her to comfort her. Can't she just meet up with her friend afterwards?

YABU a bit. Your niece is mourning her grandfather. Is this the first death in her close family? It will be tough for her. I don’t think we should judge the way people grieve.

Although I can also see your DH’s point of view. It will be a stranger there to him. And this may make him feel that a close family occasion is being intruded upon.

But it sounds as though your DH is projecting his grief onto this specific situation - grief can often manifest as anger.

yes its should be your MiL's decision. I am sorry for your loss but it really isn't up to you.

@MRSAHILL, my sister invited loads of people to my Mother's funeral. Who behaved atrociously. Luckily my eldest adult DD isn't one to hold back and got them into line. They'd barged into the Church and filled the rows meaning my Mum's remaining sibling had to sit near the back.
I've kept my Mum's ashes because she'd turn the scattering into a shit show.
OP, your DH is right, it should just be family. Your MIL might not have the energy to have argued about it.

YANBU

@Alayalaya

Maybe your niece is gay and it’s her girlfriend. Regardless, I would have told MIL I wasn’t going unless it was family only. Two can play at the game of spoiling it for everyone.

What an awful thing to suggest doing to a bereaved woman on the day she’s scattering her husband’s ashes.

I would be coldly polite to them today and then ignore them from then on.

YANBU.

I hated having to hold it altogether at my mum's funeral let alone at the scattering of ashes.

It’s the late notice and lack of opportunity to talk it through that would seal the deal for me. If SIL had phoned up last week and had a chat about it and the reasons why, I’d be ok about it. Landing this on you when you’re just leaving is awful.

@phishy

I would be coldly polite to them today and then ignore them from then on.

I wouldn't do this. The guest might be unwelcome, but what's the point of deliberately creating a bad atmosphere? It's not the time or place to take the high ground or 'punish' people.

Be polite to the girl and niece, not 'coldly polite', and don't let this be the gateway to some long-running family feud by ignoring her ever-after.

YANBU. Scattering ashes is hugely personal and the friend didn't even know him!
If it was to the funeral then fine but not scattering ashes.

YANBU. We are scattering MILs ashes later this year and I don’t even feel I should be there and I’ve been married to DH for 8 years! Events like this should be close family only unless all the close family are happy for others to be there, which isn’t the case here.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable at all. At a personal and emotional event like an ashes scattering, I would imagine that people attending would like to be able to express their grief without a stranger present. The friend bringing comfort to the 21 year old is likely to make others at the event less comfortable, which is unfair.
Also, the timing. Messaging on the morning to say what is happening is unacceptable and seems deliberate on SIL’s part to make it a ‘done deal’. This should have been raised well in advance.

It's a bit weird but you're totally overreacting! There could be lots if reasons she wants a friend there. Maybe she feels uncomfortable with the family for some reason. You're risking ruining an event and your relationships over something very minor.

@Swonderful

It's a bit weird but you're totally overreacting! There could be lots if reasons she wants a friend there. Maybe she feels uncomfortable with the family for some reason. You're risking ruining an event and your relationships over something very minor.

I'm baffled by these posts

The OPs husband has lost his dad, I don't think it's possible to over react in this situation, he is feeling what he is feeling

Losing a father is a lot worse than losing a grandparent, his feelings should be taken into account far above the neice, who if so uncomfortable could not attend and pay respects privately with her friends at a later date.

So what happens if the bf says he isn't sitting in the car alone? Does he tag along? What if all the dc needed a friend? Sounds like a bus trip in the making. Surely having her dps there was enough support not taking a random person unknown to anyone?! Sounds like an attention seeking madam being pandered to imo.

The OPs husband has lost his dad, I don't think it's possible to over react in this situation, he is feeling what he is feeling

Yes

There is something a bit off telling a man whose father has died that he is ‘overreacting’