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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are WE being unreasonable?

337 replies

Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 09:34

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
exaltedwombat · 17/01/2022 20:18

You and DH were in control of whether this spoiled the occasion or not. I can understand why you made the wrong decision. But it WAS the wrong one.
Your grieving is not in the slightest diminished by the extra person being there.

NellieEllie · 17/01/2022 20:20

Scattering of ashes is a very intimate thing. It’s not a funeral. I’d say it’s for only very close family members. I think if anyone outside that is coming along, it needs to be cleared with everyone first.

Fudgemonkeys · 17/01/2022 20:23

When my DFIL was cremated my DSS nought his GF, now wife, was the first time the whole family had met her. She supported my DSS and I'm glad she was there fir him.

GiftedFish · 17/01/2022 20:24

I wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation.

I wouldn't like a stranger being there at all. It should have been discussed in advance.

LisaCz · 17/01/2022 20:30

The best advice I've read!

Chichiboo · 17/01/2022 20:33

i personally wouldn't have an issue with this. if they need support let them have it. focus on you and yours. atleast they told you?

2Gen · 17/01/2022 21:03

@LockdownLisa

No, you're definitely not, but this is one of those situations where there's absolutely nothing you can do about it without making things even worse. Just behave as though she's not there (I don't mean completely ignore her, this is not her fault). I hope the day is tolerable for you all Thanks.
I agree with this. Anger is a part of grief and feelings will be running high. Please be gentle with yourselves and try not to feed SIL's love of drama. I'm very sorry for your loss OP.
Witchcraftandhohohokum · 17/01/2022 21:08

I just don't understand why your DH thinks he can have a say over another adult's actions.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 17/01/2022 21:14

@Witchcraftandhohohokum

I just don't understand why your DH thinks he can have a say over another adult's actions.
I just don't understand why some people come onto a thread and don't bother reading the whole thing, at least read the OPs posts.
Nanny0gg · 17/01/2022 21:32

@Megsy81

So you’ve received the text as you’re leaving, DH now raging but you’ve stopped to post the question? More to this I suspect
Stopped? People can post from a car...
JonSnowIsALoser · 17/01/2022 21:46

@Vindicated2021
Regarding the weight of the ashes, which surprises many people... There was a thread here some time ago strated by a MNetter who works at a crematorium - she encouraged us to ask all sorts of questions about her job. It was fascinating. What I found the most fascinating was her telling us that the average weight of an adult person's ashes is about 7 pounds - same as an average newborn baby. Circle of life...

Snog · 17/01/2022 21:52

YABU
why should this young woman not be free to bring someone for support on an emotional day?

StepAwayFromGoogling · 17/01/2022 22:02

I have to say I'm amazed at people saying this is OK. Scattering of ashes is very personal, likely to involve people getting upset and the opportunity to reminisce about a person everyone there knew and loved. It's not OK for someone to drag a complete random into that. I'd hate a stranger watching me cry and listen to me talk about my Dad while I was saying goodbye to him. I think that's a proper selfish, arsehole move by DN and SIL.

TheOrigRights · 17/01/2022 22:37

@StepAwayFromGoogling

I have to say I'm amazed at people saying this is OK. Scattering of ashes is very personal, likely to involve people getting upset and the opportunity to reminisce about a person everyone there knew and loved. It's not OK for someone to drag a complete random into that. I'd hate a stranger watching me cry and listen to me talk about my Dad while I was saying goodbye to him. I think that's a proper selfish, arsehole move by DN and SIL.
And you opinion shows just how different people are, and why it's important to ask.

I would be fine for my adult child to bring a friend for support at such an event. I don't know my adult child's friends, but I'd hardly think he was bringing someone along for a jolly. And I'd like to think that this friend would show the expected dignity and respect.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 17/01/2022 23:17

Isn't the real point that if you want to turn up with some random the family has never met before, at what many people regard as a very personal and private occasion, youask the rest of the family whether that is ok, rather than telling them at the last minute that you are doing it?

ConsiderablyRicherThanYow · 17/01/2022 23:28

@StepAwayFromGoogling

I have to say I'm amazed at people saying this is OK. Scattering of ashes is very personal, likely to involve people getting upset and the opportunity to reminisce about a person everyone there knew and loved. It's not OK for someone to drag a complete random into that. I'd hate a stranger watching me cry and listen to me talk about my Dad while I was saying goodbye to him. I think that's a proper selfish, arsehole move by DN and SIL.
I don't know what funerals people are attending that aren't personal, that don't involve people getting upset or that don't have people reminiscing about the deceased? I believe the pp that say to them it's a very different event. But surely you understand that for some of the rest of us these are almost identical? In a sense the scattering of my dad's ashes was less upsetting for me because more time had passed since his death. Seeing him at the funeral directors was awful, seeing his coffin disappear to be burnt was terrible, scattering his ashes on a sunny day outside was relatively tranquil. We all experience things differently.
Mamanyt · 18/01/2022 01:32

This should be entirely MIL's decision. And your DH needs to manage to calm himself. He seems to be the source of the drama, and the horrible atmosphere, in this case. Your SIL is pretty much right, if her DD needs her friend there, it is not your right to judge. Especially if the young lady is well-behaved. If she is not, then rage AFTERWARDS.

BritMommyAbroad · 18/01/2022 01:58

I’m glad the day went well and without incident.
And just for the record, you were absolutely not being unreasonable. It’s completely out of order to invite a random stranger to something so personal.

Witchcraftandhokum · 18/01/2022 04:38

PinkWaferBiscuit

Witchcraftandhohohokum

I just don't understand why your DH thinks he can have a say over another adult's actions.

I just don't understand why some people come onto a thread and don't bother reading the whole thing, at least read the OPs posts.

What bit do you not think I've read?

Melm22 · 18/01/2022 08:29

Shoe on the other foot, what about the friend! This won't be the nicest of events to go to, but they want to support their friend, you've got each other, who do the kids have?

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 18/01/2022 09:05

who do the kids have

Mum, dad, nanny, siblings, cousins?

At mil funeral all 6 grandchildren sat together….later one of them described it as being in the splash zone at a theme park. The 26 year old started sobbing and then the others followed. It was lovely that they were all together

ancientgran · 18/01/2022 09:36

@RufustheFloralmissingreindeer

who do the kids have

Mum, dad, nanny, siblings, cousins?

At mil funeral all 6 grandchildren sat together….later one of them described it as being in the splash zone at a theme park. The 26 year old started sobbing and then the others followed. It was lovely that they were all together

Not everyone has the same relationships, it doesn't have to be the same for everyone. My brother and sister are very close, I'm a bit of an outsider, I don't know why but it has always been like that and it isn't likely to change now. So they were a support for each other through the years with family funerals.

When my father died when I was a child my mother had my best friend in the family car so I had someone for me and I will always be grateful that she was understanding. It was commented on by aunts/uncles but my mother was making the decisions and that was that.

ancientgran · 18/01/2022 09:38

@TheOrigRights I would be fine for my adult child to bring a friend for support at such an event. I don't know my adult child's friends, but I'd hardly think he was bringing someone along for a jolly. And I'd like to think that this friend would show the expected dignity and respect.

I feel the same as you.

Kittysummer · 18/01/2022 09:38

If the SIL thought it would be ok, why did she text you. I have had this in the past. So why ask? Because they know it is wrong.

ancientgran · 18/01/2022 09:41

@Kittysummer

If the SIL thought it would be ok, why did she text you. I have had this in the past. So why ask? Because they know it is wrong.
Or because it is polite to let people know who will be there.
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