Are WE being unreasonable?

[Vindicated2021]

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

I know its irrelevent now because the DN's Friend did not come. but i would suspect she is a little more than a friend and wanted the comfort.

Odd that you and DH didnt know MIL didnt want GC there.

Sorry for your loss

mugoftea456
I know its irrelevent now because the DN's Friend did not come. but i would suspect she is a little more than a friend and wanted the comfort.

Ooh, a ménage à trois with the friend's boyfriend who was going to bring her in his car!

@givethatbabyaname

Glad the day went well OP

Reading your development, I have a suspicion that your MIL ‘worked’ your SIL. Good for her, but terrible she had to do it. She may have said something about how maybe it’s best not to bring any young people at all if it’s so traumatising for them that they need friends for moral support. SIL makes appreciative remarks but knows her DM is saying “if friend comes, no DGC come”, so tells her niece is actually fine and no she doesn’t really need to bring a friend as SIL will be there. MIL ‘reluctantly’ agrees to SILs DC coming.

Sounds like MIL didn’t tell you your DC couldn't come.

Your SIL’s text is stirring. She wants you to know that your MIL was ready to exclude her DC which would obviously have meant your DC too. She’s hoping you will raise it with MIL, who will say “I really didn’t want that unknown girl there” so that SIL can say “everyone is against me - my DM, my DB. Everyone! Nobody cares about me and my children, I’m just trying to be a good mum, we’re the real victims here!”.

Shoddy behaviour at a time like this. But, sadly very familiar to me.

This is probably what happened OP.

I think it's so odd that you dictate who can and cannot come to a funeral. Not the OP specifically, I mean in general. Most funerals I've been to I didn't know the person who had died, I was there to sympathise with their family who I did know. When my DGM died, seeing my friends at her funeral really lifted me, not one of them had met her before.
If the strict numbers at the OPs funeral were Covid related then absolutely understand, but in general I would not dare say who could or couldn't come to the funeral of my family member.

@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime Did i miss a very important update on this thread?! It would appear so!

It wasn't a funeral boringcreation

@tolerable

sorry,i think yabu. sil advance warned you.She wasnt seek approval,(and u dont know for sure she does) unless dd21s friend strolls up with a dd21s grandads name tatoo 'd n performs an accordian lament..shes proli gony be feel pretty awkward. pick your fights. not today. x

What the fuck?

[quote mugoftea456]@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime Did i miss a very important update on this thread?! It would appear so![/quote]
That the friend's boyfriend was driving her there? It was discussed upthread, including whether he would stay in the car or decide to join in as well. Or whether maybe the friend could also stay in the car and only be available for DN if needed.

That was after the OP told us

Vindicated2021 Sun 16-Jan-22 10:28:53
Definitely not more than a friend. As her friends boyfriend is driving them both to the place.

@CustardySergeant

It wasn't a funeral boringcreation

Ah ok, missed that very important bit of information! Makes total sense now

I think the dead giveaway about it not being a funeral was the opening sentence of the OP:

"Scattering FILs ashes today."

You can't scatter the ashes at the funeral; they'd be either not cooked yet, or too hot to touch. You collect them some time later.

@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime

I think the dead giveaway about it not being a funeral was the opening sentence of the OP:

"Scattering FILs ashes today."

You can't scatter the ashes at the funeral; they'd be either not cooked yet, or too hot to touch. You collect them some time later.

But sometimes, and I think increasingly, people are having direct cremation and the scattering of the ashes replaces the funeral. I know a few people who have done it like that or that is their plan for how to do it. One reason is it is much cheaper and it is easier to arrange the scattering of ashes at a time to suit everyone e.g. you could do it on a Saturday or Sunday when people are off work but it is hard to arrange a funeral for the weekend.

It seems likely that if that had been what the OP had meant, she'd have said so.