AIBU to not want to ring people without warning?

[Brandnewbrighttomorrow]

Phone calls - back at working from home this week after the Christmas break and have been startled by a couple of people phoning me out of the blue without emailing or texting first, is that odd? I don’t feel that comfortable ringing people myself anymore - with friends only communicate by text or in person - just seems like you’re invading someone’s day by calling them without warning! Thinking telephone etiquette has shifted, maybe accelerated by Covid? AIBU?

30 years ago you didn't have multiple notifications on whatsapp groups for work & school, Facebook/Instagram etc notifications, email notifications, breaking news alerts from news apps, Slack/Teams going all day, etc etc all the time. It's incredibly overwhelming and no, you don't have to have those things but it's not unusual and people are often bombarded morning til night as it is in text format - making that the norm, and making unexpected phone calls feel even more invasive as a result

Too many text alerts make phone calls seem intrusive? Sorry, but I don’t follow that logic.
If you are overwhelmed with text info, reduce it to the essentials.

@Dumblebum

It's incredibly overwhelming and no, you don't have to have those things but it's not unusual

No it’s not unusual but honestly I don’t know anyone who finds it overwhelming, never mind incredibly so, I think thr answer is to turn off notifications where possible Ie do you really need Facebook, insta and breaking news alerts? Just reduce it to the min and it might help you feel less overwhelmed?

Oh yeah definitely - I have every whatsapp group I'm in muted so I can dip in and out, no notifications on any app unless essential, phone is on silent 95% of the time. I try and use my phone in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming to me personally. And I have some sensory processing issues that make it a problem - that's obviously not the case for everyone, so maybe the average person doesn't find that overwhelming and I'm projecting

You're odd. Of course people calling on work-related issues shouldn't give you advance warning. If it's inconvenient, ie, you're about to go into a meeting, just tell them.

@TrashyPanda

30 years ago you didn't have multiple notifications on whatsapp groups for work & school, Facebook/Instagram etc notifications, email notifications, breaking news alerts from news apps, Slack/Teams going all day, etc etc all the time. It's incredibly overwhelming and no, you don't have to have those things but it's not unusual and people are often bombarded morning til night as it is in text format - making that the norm, and making unexpected phone calls feel even more invasive as a result

Too many text alerts make phone calls seem intrusive? Sorry, but I don’t follow that logic.
If you are overwhelmed with text info, reduce it to the essentials.

What I mean is, if your primary mode of contact with people outside of seeing them in person is text-based and done on your own schedule (i.e. while you could answer them immediately, you're not 'on the spot' to do so in the same way you are in person or on the phone) - then phone calls seem very personal, very 'on the spot', potentially invasive.

I have teenage cousins and a much younger sister and they definitely see phone calls as something that's done either when there's a problem, or as quite invasive. If I call my sister, she won't answer, but she'll text me immediately to see what's wrong - to her, phone calls are for if someone's died or it's an emergency. I find that occasionally annoying - there are times it's easier to call - but I understand what she means. Like... the difference between sending someone a letter or knocking on their front door shouting "SUSAN! ARE YOU COMING FOR DINNER NEXT WEEK????? SUSAN? I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"...

I know it sounds silly, but I do think there's a weird disconnect/paradigm shift. We went:

• all communication being relatively slow (letter, physically going to visit)

• some faster forms of communication but personal (by voice on phone)

• faster forms via text-based systems, slightly less personal seeming (email, messaging) but nobody was 24/7 connected so not instant or useful for everyday life like making plans, so by phone was still dominant/preferred/that level of personal-ness felt normal

• text-based systems becoming both dominant and so easily accessed via smartphone that they're now the default, so that feels the 'normal' level of personal, and a phone call feels a step above that

So even though we're used to being 24/7 connected and at the end of various methods of communication, those methods of communication are largely text-based, and that's become the norm. I think it's interesting how among my younger friends/sibling/cousins, voice notes are a really dominant form of communication - blending the personal aspect of hearing someone's voice and the speed element of not having to type everything, with the slightly removed aspect of being able to reply in your own time/conversation being staggered rather than a direct volley of information.

Well - I know Covid WFH has changed things but really has the basis of proper communication changed.

I did reference Dh but he works as if in office except meetings are on the computer not in a meeting room.

Friends / chat can wait unless emergency if you are working .

Being on zoom or team or whatever is like being in a meeting - so perfectly fine to turn phone off ( and there is is thing you can turn on on phones which say - can't speak right now )

But & I may be Old School - in the office if able to pick up the phone - someone might just want a quick direct answer - if not arrange a call to discuss it.
Just because people WFH and with all the various things available - I don't think it is an excuse for wrapping yourself in a bubble.
I will say this - if when you are not immediately busy you cannot answer a phone call out of the blue ( above caveats apply ) is it the job for you.

You are allowed to say either no ( so e.g. unsolicited call from a supplier ) or if a colleague and the question etc needs more thought - can I phone you back at x time.

If you were in an office on your own pre Covid - would you answer the phone? if so then WFH is not excuse.

Or just get a PA who can screen your calls ( that last is a joke for the avoidance of doubt. )

@Brandnewbrighttomorrow

Phone calls - back at working from home this week after the Christmas break and have been startled by a couple of people phoning me out of the blue without emailing or texting first, is that odd? I don’t feel that comfortable ringing people myself anymore - with friends only communicate by text or in person - just seems like you’re invading someone’s day by calling them without warning! Thinking telephone etiquette has shifted, maybe accelerated by Covid? AIBU?

I'm with you! I work ridiculously intensively and my work phone rings all the time. Friends and relatives phoning for a chat in the working day is OFF! Some of my relatives spring video calls on me with no notice as well. Seriously - get in the sea. If you want to speak to me in the working day, text me and let me know. I hardly ever answer the phone to even my partner in the daytime. It's just not convenient.

@TrashyPanda

30 years ago you didn't have multiple notifications on whatsapp groups for work & school, Facebook/Instagram etc notifications, email notifications, breaking news alerts from news apps, Slack/Teams going all day, etc etc all the time. It's incredibly overwhelming and no, you don't have to have those things but it's not unusual and people are often bombarded morning til night as it is in text format - making that the norm, and making unexpected phone calls feel even more invasive as a result

Too many text alerts make phone calls seem intrusive? Sorry, but I don’t follow that logic.
If you are overwhelmed with text info, reduce it to the essentials.

Also, that's not just something I've invented...

From this article about business practices - more and more businesses are adapting to a text-based system.

From this Forbes piece - Because they have lived so much of their lives being extremely accessible to others — and can also recall a time when this wasn’t the norm — they are more sensitive to boundaries than some may assume.

In fact, phone calls seem invasive because it demands an instant response. In a world where their messages, emails and DMs pile up, they are at least afforded somewhat of a buffer when given time to respond on their own terms.

From this Guardian piece - Perhaps it’s not phone calls themselves we object to, but the feeling of being ambushed by them. One worker in their 20s told the Wall Street Journal: “Calling someone without emailing first can make it seem as though you’re prioritising your needs over theirs.”

That’s right. The millennial attitude towards phone calls is actually about manners. We’ve grown up with so many methods of communication available to us, and we’ve gravitated towards the least intrusive ones because we know how it feels to be digitally prodded on a range of different channels. Speaking on the telephone is an event, and we don’t want to avoid it – we just need to be sure that both parties have a chance to prepare for it. (as OP describes!)

Oops, underline rather than italic fail there!

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

You're odd. Of course people calling on work-related issues shouldn't give you advance warning. If it's inconvenient, ie, you're about to go into a meeting, just tell them.

'Of course'? Surely it depends what sort of issue it is, which will depend on what sort of job you have. IME it's often much more productive all round for a colleague to give a heads up about what they want to discuss, so that you're not coming to it cold. Most of the work questions I have to deal with will entail needing to send links, read details, and think about.

@ErrolTheDragon "Most of the work questions I have to deal with will entail needing to send links, read details, and think about." Exactly but my point was some calls are a quick - Can I do this ? or do you want to meet so and so , I'll arrange , or you asked for spreadsheet by 5pm (at 4pm ) - who do you want on copy . Oh I am making those up and probably rubbish examples - my point was meant to be - yes of course a phone call which requires some reading or research or thought needs to be booked. A quick question doesn't

Certainly family , friends etc , not OK to phone during the working day "for a chat"

@HarrietSchulenberg

FFS, the world's nuts enough as it is without people being horrified by a phone call. What happens when the doorbell rings, with an actual person on the other side of it? Do you hide behind the sofa?

When you've been on MN a while, you will discover there are posters that actually do this. I know.

One day, maybe quite soon, there is going to be a situation where someone needs a friend to help out straightaway. Maybe with a lift to hospital, maybe to look after their child in a pinch, maybe any number of things.
And, despite us being more easily connected than ever previous, that person will actually be on their own because all of their "friends" have "got anxiety" or "feel sensory overload" at the thought of a phone ringing. It's probably happened already.

This. ^

I know what you mean, OP. If someone rings you out of the blue, you feel obliged to talk. I find it hard to say 'I don't have time to talk' in case they take it as 'I don't want to talk to you.'

Quite the opposite, if someone rings (or pops in to your house) without notice, then they are aware there is every possibility you might not be available. Whereas if someone 'schedules' a call, then you have no excuse for not being able to talk to them.

Well that opened a can of worms!! 😂

It’s been interesting reading the comments and noting which ones chimed, some of you got surprisingly exercised by this! 😂 The two calls that triggered the thought this week were both random unsolicited calls from people I’d never spoken to before, both of whom launched into a long involved conversation almost before I’d even registered who they were! As a mentioned above, I’m not paid for the work I do so I think I do expect a higher level of courtesy from people wanting my time compared to when I was in paid employment (when of course I would be expect to be available for phone calls and didn’t think anything of it).

Just the fact that I found these calls intrusive got me thinking about how little I use the phone these days to communicate outside of close colleagues and close friends and I wondered if that was other’s experience too.

There’s definitely a shift in some people’s experience of using the phone to communicate. Maybe working from home has accelerated a change that was already happening.

@Sparklingbrook

I think people are making this more difficult than it needs to be.

Yep! 😂 I didn’t phrase my original post particularly well though so fair enough. Lesson learnt!

See, MN, This is what happens if you put 'Threads you might also like' at the bottom of threads

People comment on them and then Zombies arise.