Am I justifiably pissed off?

[weekfour]

Friend has been eternally single. We are both 40's and it just reached the point where she'd lived to her own rules for so long that she struggles to share her space with men and things fizzle out.

I'm married with 3dc. Me and husband both have full time, full on jobs. She's always wanted to be a mum and had talked about finding a sperm donor.

Last year she unexpected fell pregnant. Was over the moon and has had the baby. She co-parents 50/50 with the father who is very engaged. She works three days a week.

Last week we catastrophically fell out and I'm still quite annoyed. I want to know if I'm being unreasonable or not...
We were having dinner in a larger group of women. During the dinner we were talking about exercising. She said she can't exercise. I said, course you can. I mentioned that some gyms have creches. She then spat back at me 'we don't all have husband's knocking about to pick up the slack'. She then went on to tell me that I 'made her feel like shit' with my 'perfect life'.
Another friend then tried to intervene and she told her that she looks down on her.

I'm so frustrated. I feel guilty for having a partner. And also annoyed, she actually has really good help because babies Dad wants to and does 50%. I always try to make accomodations for her being on her own. She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority.

This isn't the first snipe she's taken like this.

We've now not spoken for a week. It's such a shame because we've been friends for so long and usually support each other well. IABU to still be angry?

Also, I don't know what to do. I hate the confrontation but at the same time I'm sick of her thinking she can speak to me like this.

I think you were both a bit unreasonable. You should have accepted her saying she couldn't get to the gym - her response was rude and over the top.

Do you want to salvage your friendship?

I think insisting that she could when she said she can't would have come across as annoying

Perhaps she wasn't really prepared for how it is having a child after her carefree life. She does sound angry though and very rude towards you though. Would you be able to talk with her in a neutral setting about it ? Or has it gone to far and the friendship is coming to it's natural end?

It sounds like a misunderstanding. She wanted empathy that she's struggling to do stuff she wants. And you were being positive and giving her a solution. She obviously has a sore spot but shouldnt be taking that out on you.

Rather than thinking of it as a confrontation that needs to happen think of it as you both needing to clear the air have an honest talk about both of your feelings.

Yes, I do want to salvage the friendship. But are we just supposed to say nothing?
In the past we've discussed our issues and have tried to find solutions. Why is it different because it's about exercising?

You don’t need to feel guilty for having a partner.

Why didn’t you just tell her we all make different choices? You’re right, she could go to the gym. But she knows that, doesn’t want to, is looking for excuses and feeling chippy so is lashing out. Unpleasant.

I wouldn’t apologise if that’s what she’s waiting for, she can’t go round being a narky cow and expect people to just put up with it.

I agree with the annoying part, sorry. I'm sure you were trying to help but I wouldn't be comfortable putting my baby in the crèche at the gym, she would never have settled and I would be annoyed if someone told me I should.

She probably over reacted but there is nothing worse than feeling like people are putting pressure on you to do something you are uncomfortable with.

I think you probably see the parts of her life that look easier to you, and she sees the parts of your life that look easier to her, but there will be plenty of tough parts too.

I think I you were probably a bit patronising with the ‘of course you can’ comment.

Sometimes people just want to moan, they’re not looking for you to correct them or present them with a solution.

It sounds as though, for whatever reason, you hit a raw nerve in this particular conversation. You've quoted yourself as saying 'Of course you can' which she might have taken as minimising the issues she's having.

It might be an occasion to be the bigger person, say you're sorry you upset her and so on, and draw a line under it rather than trying to pick it apart and analyse it.

Tbh I’ve been in her position where you already feel inadequate with your friends having partners and doing things ‘properly’ and a comment like yours would’ve riled me.

Please know co parenting even 50/50 is NOT the same as having a partner. It’s a very different experience.

The reason she may not be able to go to the gym may be because she can’t afford that whilst paying all her bills herself on a salary where she works 3 days a week but she may not feel comfortable sharing that in a group situation. She may have said what she said because she felt excluded from the conversation and was trying to join in.

Regardless of the reason YABU and sound ignorant to the reality of her situation and I think you should apologise to her.

It’s not about exercising though is it? She felt patronised by you, and I can kind of see why. If she says she can’t get to the gym, accept it.

Do you exercise at the gym?
Tbh she probably just wanted you to say “ohh I know it’s such a nightmare trying to fit in exercise with kids isn’t it!” A bit of a solidarity moan rather than a proactive pep talk.

She was being unreasonable. You were suggesting that some gyms have crèches nothing to do with having a partner.

She made the decision to go it alone, you have nothing to feel bad about.

I think you're right @annelovesgilbert. I should have replied with something about choices. This was actually what was going around in my head all this week but I maybe needed to find the words.

Thanks for responses. I don't think I'm great with just moaning. I get uncomfortable and try to find the solution but do recognise, on reflection, that that isn't what everyone wants.

I do get that but honestly, sometimes when you just want solidarity, constant presenting of solutions (most of which you’ve probably thought of yourself) can be very irritating.

And yes @enjoyingthesilence! You can use the gym regardless of whether you have a partner. I'd love to use the crèche but I can't because I'm at work!

She works 3 days a week and pays all of the bills in her household , maybe she can't afford it, maybe the days she doesn't have her child she's doing everything else, maybe on the days she's not with her child she feels really shit about not being with her baby and that she doesn't have the family set up she thought she might have. I have a husband and a child, I also have the ability to perspective take rather than criticise.

It's the 'of course you can' that probably stung. So completely dismissive of the fact that she is obviously struggling to fit exercise in. That's not offering a solution it's telling her she's wrong. People lash out when they feel under attack - she shouldn't have said what she did to you but I think you were wrong too. I exercise a lot and have friends who don't and I would never make them feel embarrassed like about it ever - much less in a group situation like that. Even if they were the ones who raised the issue first.

No @flexibleworkingdenied I don't. I can't because I work when the crèche is open. I run or cycle in my lunch break which is where I can squeeze it in. I realise not everyone can do this which is why I suggested something else.

She sounds a bit down & obviously was rude. I think even with a hands on father it's quite different to being in a relationship with dc.

I think you probably weren't very kind. Coparenting must be difficult with a small baby. I remember all my fears and worries with my first baby and I can't imagine going through that alone, not knowing there was another adult there with me. Full on alone with the baby would have been exhausting. How old is her baby, would you really put your baby- because if she only fell pregnant last year the baby couldn't be more than 12 months, into a crèche in a gym with strangers? Or if she does get a break I'd say she's either cleaning up the house or knackered. If one of my friends was complaining about not exercising and she had a baby, id be probably agreeing it's a bit shit but I was the same when my were babies and one day you'll be able to again.

I mean I have a supportive husband, involved gps, don't work full time & still struggled to exercise with young dc.

I think you were a bit patronising and I can see why she reacted badly as you come across as being rather "smug married".

I also definitely wouldn't bring up choices because given her choice I'm sure she'd love to have found someone before she got to a point where she likes her own space so much she can't share it this driving men away.

I wouldn't put a baby in a crèche either tbh.