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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I justifiably pissed off?

182 replies

weekfour · 15/01/2022 10:21

Friend has been eternally single. We are both 40's and it just reached the point where she'd lived to her own rules for so long that she struggles to share her space with men and things fizzle out.

I'm married with 3dc. Me and husband both have full time, full on jobs. She's always wanted to be a mum and had talked about finding a sperm donor.

Last year she unexpected fell pregnant. Was over the moon and has had the baby. She co-parents 50/50 with the father who is very engaged. She works three days a week.

Last week we catastrophically fell out and I'm still quite annoyed. I want to know if I'm being unreasonable or not...
We were having dinner in a larger group of women. During the dinner we were talking about exercising. She said she can't exercise. I said, course you can. I mentioned that some gyms have creches. She then spat back at me 'we don't all have husband's knocking about to pick up the slack'. She then went on to tell me that I 'made her feel like shit' with my 'perfect life'.
Another friend then tried to intervene and she told her that she looks down on her.

I'm so frustrated. I feel guilty for having a partner. And also annoyed, she actually has really good help because babies Dad wants to and does 50%. I always try to make accomodations for her being on her own. She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority.

This isn't the first snipe she's taken like this.

We've now not spoken for a week. It's such a shame because we've been friends for so long and usually support each other well. IABU to still be angry?

Also, I don't know what to do. I hate the confrontation but at the same time I'm sick of her thinking she can speak to me like this.

OP posts:
MrsPotatoHead22 · 15/01/2022 16:22

A friend of mines often makes shitty comments about me having the perfect life/the one with the husband. She's just jealous though and I laugh it off.

stamina · 15/01/2022 16:34

Or just flip the concept and reinterpret the sense that a friend is jealous of you by compassionately considering whether they just feel inadequate compared to you. It is easy to feel bad about oneself after a big chunk of independence and identity is lost when you've had a baby.
Maybe it's about her, not about you.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/01/2022 17:17

Is she fat? Sounds like maybe she is fat and looking for excuses and your gym comment was taken as a dig at her weight/she is feeling defensive. Most women in the Uk are fat though so you will get a lot of comments about not using the gym etc. Reality is she could also work out at home so there isn’t a lot of excuse, much though people will try to find them.

Also I don’t think it’s right to call her a single mother, if the father and her made this arrangement from the get go and they parent 50/50. I always think of my mother as being a single mother as she raised 4 of us alone with 0 financial help and we saw the deadbeat like 3 times a year. She’s entered into an arrangement willingly like this so it’s a bit rich to turn around and complain about it.

aSofaNearYou · 15/01/2022 17:19

Is she fat? Sounds like maybe she is fat and looking for excuses and your gym comment was taken as a dig at her weight/she is feeling defensive. Most women in the Uk are fat though so you will get a lot of comments about not using the gym etc. Reality is she could also work out at home so there isn’t a lot of excuse, much though people will try to find them.

And this pretty much sums up why she took that comment negatively.

KiloWhat · 15/01/2022 17:20

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 wow.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/01/2022 17:29

@KiloWhat

Wow what?! I don’t go to the gym because I’m too lazy. I could always find time by prioritising it but I’m lazy so I don’t: I do however sometimes do work outs at home because that’s free and available. There’s no excuse not to do it that in general, barring illness.

Trippingslippingx1 · 15/01/2022 17:31

Dont feel guilty having a partner

Its huge projection on her part, she did choose this for herself

aSofaNearYou · 15/01/2022 17:40

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@KiloWhat

Wow what?! I don’t go to the gym because I’m too lazy. I could always find time by prioritising it but I’m lazy so I don’t: I do however sometimes do work outs at home because that’s free and available. There’s no excuse not to do it that in general, barring illness.[/quote]
She doesn't need an excuse, she's not harming anyone else by not doing it, hence why it wasn't at all necessary to scrutinise whether her excuse was good enough.

andysgirl22 · 15/01/2022 17:45

Firstly do not feel guilty for having a partner, your good fortune and happiness in having a partner is of no detriment to anybody else at all. Secondly, your friend has help with a co parent she is not denied the opportunity to do things. I think you saying of course she could wad meant as a friendly pep talk , meant to suggest a genuine solution and inspire confidence in that solution. Pointing out to her that there is nothing wrong in leaving baby with their dad whilst she goes to the gym, there is no need for her to feel guilt in doing so or yo worry about her new mum bod at the gym etc. Whilst you are a pro active and supportive friend i think that she did not want a genuine solution but a moan and some sympathy. I think she maybe wanted answers like oh you poor thing, so difficult for you etc. Maybe this is a personality difference anyway, i.e. That if someone came to you with a problem your response would be to try to help them solve it, her response would be to sympathise with them about it and express how sorry she felt that this was the case for them. I think as you have been friends for so ling it would be a shame to lose the friendship. Whatever your normal is for communication could you just do that as if it never happened? E.g. If you normally text to meet up once a fortnight just do that? I don't really see that you can bring thr incident up in a useful way. You could say you were only trying to be supportive but she might just snipe at you. I think maybe she is jealous of your having a partner etc. And feels overwhelmed by parenthood, perhaps she did not realise the extent to who h her routines would change and have less freedom to purely please herself, live by her rules etc. And assumed thr baby would fit in with her more ifswim. But i also just wanted to say i hope you do have a nice life and setup with partner etc. And continue to enjoy that, that being nice for you is of no detriment to your friend and you haven't done anything wrong by being in that position. I think really a friend would be happy for you that you are happy like this and that overall your friend is happy like that for you and the snipr was just an expression of jealousy and her frustration. Xx

sillysmiles · 15/01/2022 18:11

Friend has been eternally single. We are both 40's and it just reached the point where she'd lived to her own rules for so long that she struggles to share her space with men and things fizzle out

This paragraph is odd. Like you expect her to put up with poor behaviour, lower her standards to have a man.

Sowhatifiam · 15/01/2022 18:15

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 She’s entered into an arrangement willingly like this so it’s a bit rich to turn around and complain about it

Jesus wept. People with partners enter into parenthood willingly yet are supported by their friends when they find it harder than expected. Why should single parents be any different?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/01/2022 18:20

@aSofaNearYou

She doesn’t need an excuse, no. So why make one up? Had she said “I don’t want to go to the gym”, no problem. Pretending she can’t due to having a baby is BS.

@Sowhatifiam

Of course single mothers deserve support, but I just dont think she fits into the category of a usual single mother. Just my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 15/01/2022 18:21

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@aSofaNearYou

She doesn’t need an excuse, no. So why make one up? Had she said “I don’t want to go to the gym”, no problem. Pretending she can’t due to having a baby is BS.

@Sowhatifiam

Of course single mothers deserve support, but I just dont think she fits into the category of a usual single mother. Just my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Because she's embarrassed or depressed about it? It's not necessary to call friends out for that.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/01/2022 18:24

@aSofaNearYou

My point is I don’t think OP was trying to call her out I think she just didn’t realise what the subtext was and asked an innocent question and the friend overreacted because of her own feelings. I agree a friend doesn’t need to call someone out. But I also think friends can be open about struggles and insecurities

aSofaNearYou · 15/01/2022 18:26

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@aSofaNearYou

My point is I don’t think OP was trying to call her out I think she just didn’t realise what the subtext was and asked an innocent question and the friend overreacted because of her own feelings. I agree a friend doesn’t need to call someone out. But I also think friends can be open about struggles and insecurities[/quote]
Exactly, but that meant OP was being tone deaf and said something insensitive without thinking. The friend isn't faultless, but objectively speaking it wasn't a kind reaction from OP.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/01/2022 18:35

@aSofaNearYou

How much I agree depends on if friend is overweight. If she is (or over her usual weight) then actually I agree with you and was not a kind comment.

sillysmiles · 15/01/2022 18:36

Of course single mothers deserve support, but I just dont think she fits into the category of a usual single mother. Just my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️
Of course she's a single parent, other single parents who coparent aren't thought of as a couple.
She's not in a couple. She doesn't get the emotional support of a partner. Maybe she expected her friend to be more empathetic and supportive. The OP isn't.

This single mother is a 40yr old woman with a job and a new baby and managing an unusually 50/50 parenting relationship (which is uncommon in young babies).

Other new mother's (single or married) get more emotional support from their friends than this woman seems to be getting and don't get reminded that it was their choice to be a parent.

The OP sounds like she doesn't agree with this woman's choice to be a parent in her situation and has no patience/sympathy/empathy for her normal struggles.

Pluvia · 15/01/2022 18:40

@sillysmiles

Friend has been eternally single. We are both 40's and it just reached the point where she'd lived to her own rules for so long that she struggles to share her space with men and things fizzle out

This paragraph is odd. Like you expect her to put up with poor behaviour, lower her standards to have a man.

Indeed. Here's another version: 'Friend has been single forever. We're both 40s and she's become selfish and can't share her space with anyone else.' Ie, it's all her own fault and anyone prepared to lower their standards could have found a man if they'd really wanted to.

What makes you think you are friends, OP? You don't sound at all friendly.

Sowhatifiam · 15/01/2022 18:44

I just dont think she fits into the category of a usual single mother

Are you serious? You’ve been friends with someone for years but if they’re fat or not a ‘usual single mother’ then they don’t deserve support?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/01/2022 18:49

@Sowhatifiam

Well done for putting words into my
Mouth!!!!!!

Sowhatifiam · 15/01/2022 19:05

So what is it then? ‘Not usual’ single mothers do or don’t deserve support? Or fat single mums, what about them?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/01/2022 19:10

@Sowhatifiam

Please quote the sentences where I said fat people do not deserve support. And also that single mothers don’t deserve support. Please quote those for me.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/01/2022 19:11

@Sowhatifiam

In fact, please quote the bit where I say OP’s friend doesn’t deserve support?! That’s not what I was saying at all.

Bouledeneige · 15/01/2022 19:18

I personally wouldn't say what you said to a good friend. It sounded judge and patronising. Maybe let her be the expert on her life. Until you've walked in her shoes you don't really know what its like. It is much much harder to be a single parent than to be in a couple even if the child's father does his bit. I don't think she owed you an apology - maybe you should send her one. And be a bit more humble.

NorthSouthcatlady · 15/01/2022 19:43

People like to moan about their weight but not do anything about it; like eat better and / or exercise more. She could exercise if she wants to e.g. walks with pram, exercise videos or YouTube videos when baby is asleep, classes / running whilst baby is with dad. She’s making excuses for herself. I wouldn’t apologise, l think you’re owed more of an apology than she is. She sounds jealous and bitter e.g. the perfect life jibe to you

@MzHz she most definitely is a mummy martyr. I had a friend complain about her weight but she couldn’t go to the gym as she has children she said. She never went to the gym before she had children?!