Am I justifiably pissed off?

[weekfour]

Friend has been eternally single. We are both 40's and it just reached the point where she'd lived to her own rules for so long that she struggles to share her space with men and things fizzle out.

I'm married with 3dc. Me and husband both have full time, full on jobs. She's always wanted to be a mum and had talked about finding a sperm donor.

Last year she unexpected fell pregnant. Was over the moon and has had the baby. She co-parents 50/50 with the father who is very engaged. She works three days a week.

Last week we catastrophically fell out and I'm still quite annoyed. I want to know if I'm being unreasonable or not...
We were having dinner in a larger group of women. During the dinner we were talking about exercising. She said she can't exercise. I said, course you can. I mentioned that some gyms have creches. She then spat back at me 'we don't all have husband's knocking about to pick up the slack'. She then went on to tell me that I 'made her feel like shit' with my 'perfect life'.
Another friend then tried to intervene and she told her that she looks down on her.

I'm so frustrated. I feel guilty for having a partner. And also annoyed, she actually has really good help because babies Dad wants to and does 50%. I always try to make accomodations for her being on her own. She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority.

This isn't the first snipe she's taken like this.

We've now not spoken for a week. It's such a shame because we've been friends for so long and usually support each other well. IABU to still be angry?

Also, I don't know what to do. I hate the confrontation but at the same time I'm sick of her thinking she can speak to me like this.

You can use the gym regardless of whether you have a partner

I am a single parent and cannot use a gym. I do not have the time or money so I have to exercise at home.

For you to make this comment it just shows how you don’t have a clue and why your friend thinks you ‘have the perfect life’.

It's sounds to me you were giving her the friendly encouragement she was asking for by bringing it up in the first place and she used the opportunity to be passively aggressive towards you.
I don't think it's patronising for friends to say they can do something they're down about, otherwise what's the point in being friends, me and my friend group are very supportive but also very honest with each other.

@weekfour

I agree *@nailsathome*. It certainly feels that way.

Funnily enough, she's just text me to tell me she loves me. I think that's probably as close to an apology as I'll get and it's enough for me.

Sounds like you guys are really close, so chalk it up to a sisterly spat. You hit a nerve, so she slapped one back. Move on. We can all at times be a bit unreasonable xx

Oh wow, so glad to hear you are making up with the old friend, OP.

I wasn't there so don't know how you sounded, or whole history.

You could offer to babysit when she goes to the gym/for a run, etc. -- good peace offering that one.

If she fell pregnant last year, unless the baby was premature then its 5 months old or less. She's in the throws of being a new mum, probably struggling to cope with a huge lifestyle change. She needs your support not judgement.
Just because dad is in the picture doesn't mean she's coping.

@bigbeatmanifesto

It's sounds to me you were giving her the friendly encouragement she was asking for by bringing it up in the first place and she used the opportunity to be passively aggressive towards you. I don't think it's patronising for friends to say they can do something they're down about, otherwise what's the point in being friends, me and my friend group are very supportive but also very honest with each other.

People communicate differently. "Of course you can" in response to something you're struggling with wouldn't feel like friendly encouragement to me, it obviously didn't to her either. It makes it sound like it's a ridiculous thing to struggle with.

@aSofaNearYou your right, people do communicate differently and if I was feeling like I couldn't get myself to the gym because of my work/home life balance and a friend of over 30 years said of course I could gave me advice of the gym having a crèche, I'd thank her for giving me constructive help I certainly wouldn't berate her for having a different family structure doesn't really make sense to do that.

She's being a twat with the option of the dad doing 50/50 and a creche the only reason she can't go is because she doesn't want to.

Sound like she's jealous of your setup

[quote bigbeatmanifesto]@aSofaNearYou your right, people do communicate differently and if I was feeling like I couldn't get myself to the gym because of my work/home life balance and a friend of over 30 years said of course I could gave me advice of the gym having a crèche, I'd thank her for giving me constructive help I certainly wouldn't berate her for having a different family structure doesn't really make sense to do that.
[/quote]
Ok, but that's you. Like I said, if I had a newborn at the time and was struggling, that would have really knocked me down.

Obviously she overreacted but OP wasn't just giving "friendly encouragement", she was being tone deaf and making someone feel worse.

She's being a twat with the option of the dad doing 50/50 and a creche the only reason she can't go is because she doesn't want to

The only reason? Have a bit of a think.

@honeylulu

She probably can't be bothered to go to the gym and "I can't because I'm a single mother" is the excuse she is happy to convince herself and others with. So she was annoyed that you dug into it and effectively dismissed it. She may have thought you were saying something akin to "that's no excuse, you're just a lazy cow" and that stung.

Sometimes you need to read between the lines and nod along understandingly.

And that's probably the perspective of a lot of people reading the OPs posts, because let's face it, that's the biggest reason people don't exercise as much as they would like to/know they should, so they blame other things for them not doing it.

She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority

You sound angry and judgmental. Are you one of those people who is very fit and prioritises the gym and thinks others should do the same? That would really get up my nose.

What anyone with any sensitivity would realise is that when a woman who's recently had a baby tells you she can't do x or y or z they often don't mean they can't physically do it (though riding an exercise bike might be difficult, for example), but there are other reasons — tiredness, depression, loss of confidence, loss of motivation, lack of money — why it feels really hard for them. They're not asking for details of which gyms have creches, they're telling you how hard they're finding things. Was that the situation with your friend? Sometimes people say these things as a way of letting you know they're in trouble, not because they want a solution.

You do come over very much like a relative of mine who is supremely confident and organised and in control: who never has a moment's doubt that she is right, who gets up at 5am to exercise and clean the house and can't understand why others don't do likewise, who made sure she put on so little weight during her pregnancies that she had no baby weight to lose, whose children are never given the option of a lie-in or failure or saying no to something she thinks will be good for them and who tells anyone who says 'I can't' why they have no excuse for saying that. Like you did you your friend.

If baby is really young No wonder she doesn't have the time or energy to go to the gym or want to leave a baby that young in the crèche! I. When you say the dad is supportive, what does that look like? Baby would be very young for shared custody. Or is baby older? Don't think we know.

Oooh I would not like to be your friend. Bossed around, patronised and now you assume she's apologising because she's reached out!

I don't think this is going to go away as you're clearly annoying each other.

Hey, I am also single parent here (although no 50/50 arrangement in place) so I can see both sides of this.

First of all, you are right to be upset, your friend's comments sounded very defensive and unfair.

But I remember when my son was a baby/toddler how hard everything was, how isolated and lonely I often felt, and often in those situations with others with partners, how unseen I felt. I also felt judged because I felt couldn't maintain the same standards as everyone else.

That may be what your friend was expressing in a clumsy way.

13 years as a single parent and I now have perspective and recognise that there is good and bad in everyone's circumstances and most people Don't give a shit what I am doing!

Maybe you and your friend just need a heart to heart over a bottle of wine and you will both discover that you both feel the same challenges and pressures.

She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority

Well, why should she make it a priority? I could perhaps understand your reaction if she were doing nothing but constantly moan about not going to the gym, but her remark that 'I can't' seems to have been in response to a general conversation about going to the gym.

Many people dislike the gym. It's no one's duty to prioritize it. Even many people who do value exercise choose to go for walks, or do exercises at home.

I think really your friend is jealous maybe of people around her who are in relationships and she isn’t?

Contact her if you need her as a friend but she probably has issues with people who she thinks have perfect lives.

I was a single mother, no help from the dad or my family. I did try going to the gym but the baby wouldn't settle in the creche and I was too stressed about that to actually work out. So gave up and he was about 12 before I actually managed to get super fit again. I get that things don't work out as smoothly as you may hope with a small baby. But she was rude in her answer, unnecessarily so. She's probably finding it tough - don't we all? I think both of you should try to patch it up.

Those saying about her being a single mum, who only works part-time, not being able to afford to go to a fancy gym etc., we don't know if she was able to choose to only work 3 days, because she has had 20+ years to save significant amounts and possibly be mortgage-free; not all single parents are impoverished. She chose to go ahead with a pregnancy when she wasn't in a relationship with the father, so it's totally possible managing financially wasn't a problem for her.

And another thought. If the baby is very young, what form does this 50:50 care involve? Does she, each week, have to hand over the child to the father (which for many new mums would be very difficult to do) or does he come and live with them — so she doesn't really get a real break and has to deal with him in their home. It must be a practically and emotionally pretty complicated situation to deal with. From the way you tell it, she and he don't seem to have been in a long-term relationship and so she may well be stressed and uncertain and worried about the way things are unfolding. But no hint of sensitivity about that in your post. Just the assumption that because there is someone else involved she shouldn't be struggling...

She sounds envious not jealous

It's a bit like you were shaming her for not going to the gym or not trying hard enough, being lazy. Maybe she feels it's a step too far at this time of her life to get to the gym and if questioned just give the excuse of being too busy with the baby etc. if you force the issue, it highlights that they person might be too lazy or not trying hard enough. Even worse if you give examples of how you went the extra mile/made sacrifices to get the exercise done, therefore silently implying people not getting the exercise done are lazy or just making excuses.
I've had this. Yes, I know I could do xyz, but sometimes life is hard enough for whatever reasons and if pinned down about why I don't do the exercise the reason I give may not be the actual reason.
This situation also applies to anyone who is overweight, because none of their excuses are ever going to be good enough for a fit person who feels like they are not trying hard enough. The fitter person, if lacking compassion, will just batter down the excuses until all that is left is that the fatter person is lazy and/or greedy.

Also I tried to leave a baby in the gym creche. baby cried non-stop for 1 hour and i was told not to bring baby back to creche and I should not have brought them to the creche in the first place...

I think you have to be careful not to get in a situation where you have to tread on eggshells to not to upset a friend but they can say whatever they like to you.

My sister is like this, she flies off the handle at the drop of a hat and then follows it up with silent treatment at the but expects to be able to say whatever she likes with impunity.

My mum and sisters pander to her but I’ve been NC for years.

Perhaps she just wanted to moan a bit about finding it hard. Even parenting 50:50 with the dad will mean that 50% of the time it’s a struggle to do much and probably just trying to keep on top of things!
Also I would never have put my kids at crèche at a gym so it could be seen as quite an annoying solution - when of course there’s a solution for most things if you aren’t fussy!