Am I justifiably pissed off?

[weekfour]

Friend has been eternally single. We are both 40's and it just reached the point where she'd lived to her own rules for so long that she struggles to share her space with men and things fizzle out.

I'm married with 3dc. Me and husband both have full time, full on jobs. She's always wanted to be a mum and had talked about finding a sperm donor.

Last year she unexpected fell pregnant. Was over the moon and has had the baby. She co-parents 50/50 with the father who is very engaged. She works three days a week.

Last week we catastrophically fell out and I'm still quite annoyed. I want to know if I'm being unreasonable or not...
We were having dinner in a larger group of women. During the dinner we were talking about exercising. She said she can't exercise. I said, course you can. I mentioned that some gyms have creches. She then spat back at me 'we don't all have husband's knocking about to pick up the slack'. She then went on to tell me that I 'made her feel like shit' with my 'perfect life'.
Another friend then tried to intervene and she told her that she looks down on her.

I'm so frustrated. I feel guilty for having a partner. And also annoyed, she actually has really good help because babies Dad wants to and does 50%. I always try to make accomodations for her being on her own. She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority.

This isn't the first snipe she's taken like this.

We've now not spoken for a week. It's such a shame because we've been friends for so long and usually support each other well. IABU to still be angry?

Also, I don't know what to do. I hate the confrontation but at the same time I'm sick of her thinking she can speak to me like this.

I think you were sort of right in letting her know about the creche, but wrong in how you put it.

"Of course you can" does come across as patronising. However it isn't a smug married response really, so she's wrong in putting it in that light. Unless the creche has a policy of checking your marital status before accepting any child :P

Saying "oh yes, that sort of thing is a pain. But I did find some of the gyms did do a creche. Have you asked, because some of them might still do it?" gives her a potential solution (creches at gyms may be closed due to covid too) to look into if she wants to solve it. If she wants to moan, then it's not battering her worries away.

I suspect though what she may be feeling is that you lot have all done it first, and that may be niggling her. You may come across a bit of "done that, got the t-shirt, that's nothing to worry about, wait until you have our worries". Which is patronising.

I used to be in a group of mums who all had children at least 2 years older than mine. Their advice could be really useful, and I used to ask them loads, and they were a fantastic help.
But there were times when I found them a bit patronising: "Your little worries, are nothing to our big worries-even when they were similar."

I remember expressing some of my worries at dc1 going to school. Was she going to make friends? What if she didn't know anyone? What did I do if there was a problem?
I expressed this one week, and got told very airily they weren't really a problem and I'd see very shortly. And to stop worrying.
Next week they got talking about their dc going from infants to juniors. One of the ladies that had been particularly vocal about my worries being no issue, actually repeated several of them almost word for word about her dd going from infants to juniors (not a linked school, but almost all did go from one to the other). And got sympathy, and they all agreed that those things were worrying them too.
I felt very fobbed off, very patronised and when I tried to point this out got the response of "you'll see you'll be fine, but our worries are reasonable."
I wonder if you're doing a bit of that.

I don’t think you said anything wrong. She probably felt defensive about not taking exercise. I’m glad she text you.

You sound very judgemental of your friend in your description of the falling out, in the other comments about her in your original post and in the follow up comments. I'm guessing this falling out is the last straw of a long time of her feeling judged by you and not as supported by you as you think. Tbh the way your describe her life makes you sound a bit jealous.

Well if she reads this (and the situation is quite identifying), then she probably won't love you quite as much.

@weekfour

I agree *@nailsathome*. It certainly feels that way.

Funnily enough, she's just text me to tell me she loves me. I think that's probably as close to an apology as I'll get and it's enough for me.

I think you should apologise to her for being patronising and judgemental.

You do sound dismissive of her but I get you didn't mean to.
It's not easy being a single parent so I do feel for her and I wouldn't leave a baby at a gym creche either.

It depends on exactly what was said. If your remark was casual, then her response was disproportionate. If you were evangelizing about the importance of exercise and refusing to accept any 'excuses'', then I could understand her getting annoyed at it.

@weekfour

I agree *@nailsathome*. It certainly feels that way.

Funnily enough, she's just text me to tell me she loves me. I think that's probably as close to an apology as I'll get and it's enough for me.

Tbh, that is her apology. Now you have to apologise to her.
She was sensitive and upset and lashed out because she felt judged by you.
You felt you were offering solutions but maybe as a 40 yr woman she doesn't need her friends to fix her problems but just to empathise with her.

I think you are perhaps seeing this from your perspective that the only thing that is holding her back is childcare. Gyms have creches therefore it is possible because that is the solution for you.

But actually first off cost. Gyms with creches are not cheap and she is already the sole earner for her household (as she is sharing 50/50 care).

Secondly she is sharing her baby 50/50 so that is already 50% of the time she doesnt spend with them. Adding in the 3 days she works maybe she just wants to spend the rest of the time she has with her child.

Making accommodations is different from seeing it from her perspective.

If you say ‘last year she fell pregnant’ and it’s now only January, presumably baby is still very young, and ‘support’ or help with a newborn is not equivalent to having a full time partner. Unless you’ve walked in her shoes, you should be a little more understanding. Her outburst may have made you uncomfortable and embarrassed but perhaps she needed to say it?

@MzHz has a point.

Lots of single parents raise children fully alone and don't feel the need to take pops at friends.

I would think this could indeed be a part of the OP's friends personality as it has happened several times now.

Being a supportive friend does NOT mean you have to accept someone being snide about you.

I also doubt this will be the last time it will happen and should be addressed.

I think she was being pretty oversensitive but you also didn't need to jump in with 'of course you can' either. Sometimes when someone is feeling a bit meh about their situation, they don't want people to point out what they could do differently, they just want you to say 'oh I know, it's shit'.

That said, it's all so bloody trivial it's not worth falling out over.

There is also a massive difference being a working mum to school age children and a working mum to a baby.

I find it frustrating when people judge what I can and cannot do based on what they know of my life. It can sting and it sounds like that was the case here.

I think her 'love you' text is her apology and I would accept it. I personally think you were both out of order but don't throw away a 30 year friendship because of it.

She clearly has a bit of a chip on the shoulder about people with partners and she is acting out here. If her baby’s father is doing 50% there’s no practical difference between your scenario and hers (apart from the obvious fact that you have an actual partner). I think you have to hold the line on not being spoken to like that. It’s not on for her to jump down your throat about this.

As an aside though: saying “of course you can” when she said she can’t exercise was always going to be a red rag to a bull and that was daft.

I have been in this exact same scenario (in your friend’s place) and it enraged me. You can’t possibly know what someone else’s limitations are and it sounds so high handed telling someone with a young child they “must do better”.

She sounds demanding and quite nasty though overall. I think at the very least you have to make clear you won’t be spoken to like that again.

When I was married, with young dc, I won a gym membership. I went once, as my (abusive) exh refused to look after the dc. Since we split up, I didn't go to the gym either, because on the rare occasions he did have the kids, I had other priorities. I didn't feel comfortable putting my kids in the creche. Now the kids are older I can leave them at home and exercise whenever I want to (but I don't because I'm lazy and unmotivated).

Your friend doesn't have her dc 50% of the time. Of course she can go to the gym. Or do whatever she wants, that she can't with the baby present.

YANBU to think that 50/50 gives her time to go to the gym if it is a priority for her. She IBU to suggest that all partners are happy to support their partners to take up going to the gym (or getting a haircut, or going to the gp in my case )

Now you have to apologise to her.

No she doesn’t. Especially when the friend didn’t even say sorry.

She was sensitive and upset and lashed out because she felt judged by you.

Being sensitive doesn’t mean she’s right.

There is a huge difference. The OP’s friend has a baby, under one. The OP does not. She has school aged children.

If her baby’s father is doing 50% there’s no practical difference between your scenario and hers

There is a massive, massive difference when you are trying to deal with the ups and downs of caring for a small child without the emotional support of having a partner.

If she’s saying to a friend that she can’t do something, it’s because she’s looking for empathy and understanding. You could have replied with something like “yes, it’s tough trying to fit time for yourself in when you’ve got the baby to look after”. Instead you just told her she was wrong.

Friendship is about supporting each other, not “being right”. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to know you if this is the way you respond when she’s struggling.

"I’m in my 60’s and one of the few things I’ve learnt in life is that 99% of people don’t want a solution when they moan, they just want sympathy."

Yup!

My daughter left her boyfriend because he wouldn't just listen-even when she asked.

It was "have you thought about this, what about that?"

Exhausting!

I had a friend who was constantly like this, the jealousy was ridiculous even though there was nothing to be jealous of, I wasn't happily married and was thinking of getting divorced.
In the end I just told her to get stuffed and didn't talk to her any more.
She brought nothing to the table.

You're not interested if you're unreasonable, you just wanted to know if she was?

Ok.

And you assume someone has choices they say they don't have because you know better....

I think your friend is being extremely reasonable to give you a wide berth for the foreseeable.

If her baby’s father is doing 50% there’s no practical difference between your scenario and hers

🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m definitely on the side of the friend here.