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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I justifiably pissed off?

182 replies

weekfour · 15/01/2022 10:21

Friend has been eternally single. We are both 40's and it just reached the point where she'd lived to her own rules for so long that she struggles to share her space with men and things fizzle out.

I'm married with 3dc. Me and husband both have full time, full on jobs. She's always wanted to be a mum and had talked about finding a sperm donor.

Last year she unexpected fell pregnant. Was over the moon and has had the baby. She co-parents 50/50 with the father who is very engaged. She works three days a week.

Last week we catastrophically fell out and I'm still quite annoyed. I want to know if I'm being unreasonable or not...
We were having dinner in a larger group of women. During the dinner we were talking about exercising. She said she can't exercise. I said, course you can. I mentioned that some gyms have creches. She then spat back at me 'we don't all have husband's knocking about to pick up the slack'. She then went on to tell me that I 'made her feel like shit' with my 'perfect life'.
Another friend then tried to intervene and she told her that she looks down on her.

I'm so frustrated. I feel guilty for having a partner. And also annoyed, she actually has really good help because babies Dad wants to and does 50%. I always try to make accomodations for her being on her own. She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority.

This isn't the first snipe she's taken like this.

We've now not spoken for a week. It's such a shame because we've been friends for so long and usually support each other well. IABU to still be angry?

Also, I don't know what to do. I hate the confrontation but at the same time I'm sick of her thinking she can speak to me like this.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 15/01/2022 10:52

I think even making a comment about 'choices' would have been patronising and your attitude towards her would have come through. As this is what you actually think - She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority. - then the best thing to do would be to keep quiet and let other people with more sympathy let her vent about her problems. Instead, you old her she was wrong and essentially lazy/bad at managing her life - which probably isn't the case as she's dealing with her first baby later in life, working, and managing to juggle things with the DF (agree that 50:50 is very different to parenting together). It does sound like an opportunity for you to both show how much better you'd cope and, if challenged, progress to your own woes - I'd love to use the crèche but I can't because I'm at work - in fact this also sounds like a dig a her for not working more ergo she should be able to gym and creche at her leisure. Honestly, it sounds like you dislike/judge her and it showed, hence she lashed back with an easy attack at smugness.

Original poster
weekfour · 15/01/2022 10:52

Ok @jurgen. Im not sure that her saying I have a 'perfect life' is showing her sense of perspective but I do appreciate your comments. I didn't ask whether I was being unreasonable. I wanted to know if IABU to be upset at her words.

OP posts:
pawpatrolneedaunion · 15/01/2022 10:54

You sound preachy. If she can't fit it in she can't. Lovely for you that you have the time and money to do so.

dafey · 15/01/2022 10:54

She probably wishes she has a partner & perhaps underestimated how tough it would be as a single parent. I underestimated how tough dc would be!
She probably looks at you & wishes she also had a partner.

KiloWhat · 15/01/2022 10:55

@SlyAvocado

I think I you were probably a bit patronising with the ‘of course you can’ comment.

Sometimes people just want to moan, they’re not looking for you to correct them or present them with a solution.

I agree she's probably struggling. She was well out of order to talk like that tho
dafey · 15/01/2022 10:56

You are judging her though

She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority.

nailsathome · 15/01/2022 10:58

It feels as though if you are happy with a partner, you're not allowed an opinion on anything anymore without the "you've got a perfect life" line being trotted out. I get this repeatedly and it is annoying so I totally understand how you feel. I have learned to just sympathise and keep my real opinion about things to myself.

Thethreecs · 15/01/2022 10:59

She should not have said it the way she did but I guess she was annoyed and just lashed out.

Sometimes we just have a moan, we prefer when people join in or agree, we're not actually looking for solutions or been told we can do something.

If we're looking for advice then being positive like you were is the right time to say what you did.

I've a positive sister and I find I don't confide in her as much as others as she always has a solution, even when it's not practical. She'll suggest something way beyond my means or abilities.

I'd phone or message and just apologise for what you said explaining that you thought you were being helpful and that you didn't mean any offence.

PinkSyCo · 15/01/2022 11:00

You shot her down in a horribly dismissive way basically calling her a liar in front of a bunch of other people. She must have felt really embarrassed which is probably why she retaliated in the way she did. To be honest you both sound a bit envious of each others lifestyles but as we all know the grass isn’t always greener and we should maybe listen more when friends say they are struggling rather than coming down on them for trying to express that.

BertramLacey · 15/01/2022 11:01

She said she can't exercise. I said, course you can. I mentioned that some gyms have creches.

To someone who is probably feeling sensitive and sleep deprived, that's just rude and patronising. What she's saying is that in order to be able to exercise, and make it a priority, she would have to sacrifice something else that at the moment she cannot. She may be struggling in all sorts of ways. She does sound jealous and irritable, yes, but I can understand why.

Just have an open conversation at a time when it's just the two of you and you're both, hopefully, not knackered. Take it from there.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/01/2022 11:02

I didn't ask whether I was being unreasonable. I wanted to know if IABU to be upset at her words.

But obviously it's all connected. If you were being unreasonable, then you should expect her to say something equally unreasonable in return and therefore it's unreasonable to be upset.

Or of course, it's always reasonable to feel upset if someone says something upsetting. But the context matters and in this case, you need to see why she was saying it and see it as a result of your provocation.

Gazelda · 15/01/2022 11:04

She reacted badly, I think she owes you an apology.

However, I think you now realise that your comment caused this.

And you're really not seeing this from her perspective. " She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority." Of course she's not making it a priority. It seems as though she has baby 3/4 days per week. She works the other 3 days per week. For the days she's with baby, she probably feels that she should be giving baby all of her attention. Don't you remember those days when you'd just returned to work from mat leave and you were guilt ridden because you weren't giving either work or child the attention you really wanted to give? Plus all the pressure to pay the bills, keep the home safe and comfortable, maintain friendships etc which she presumably has to fit in the days she's working and baby is with Dad.

She's a new mum. Give her some slack.

MamaGaia · 15/01/2022 11:04

She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority

Bullshit and so judgmental.

I haven’t been to the gym in nearly a year. I have a baby who doesn’t sleep well and a husband who works in a demanding job. I barely get any time ever to myself, so how am I meant to go?

Your lack of understanding shows how judgmental you were.

Original poster
weekfour · 15/01/2022 11:04

I agree @nailsathome. It certainly feels that way.

Funnily enough, she's just text me to tell me she loves me. I think that's probably as close to an apology as I'll get and it's enough for me.

OP posts:
MrsWinters · 15/01/2022 11:04

She’s a new mum with a little baby, cut her some slack. She’s going through a big adjustment and the last thing she needs is someone whose been at it longer and got into their rhythm of parenting and who has a partner there all the time to start telling her that things CAN be done if you just put in a little more EFFORT.
You should be trying to support her and encourage her. I’m not surprised she lashed out. I think you need to make the first move here and apologise, and not a shit ‘I’m sorry my comments made you feel that way’ apology.
Your entirely unreasonable for feeling upset, she is probably feeling a whole lot worse, get over yourself and go support your friend.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/01/2022 11:05

If you make it all about you being upset because 'your life isn't perfect, it's hard because of xyz', then you're never going to salvage this. That only came up because of how you acted, which made her upset. Hence getting past your own upset would be the first step to resolving this. Hence YABU.

MamaGaia · 15/01/2022 11:06

@MrsWinters

She’s a new mum with a little baby, cut her some slack. She’s going through a big adjustment and the last thing she needs is someone whose been at it longer and got into their rhythm of parenting and who has a partner there all the time to start telling her that things CAN be done if you just put in a little more EFFORT. You should be trying to support her and encourage her. I’m not surprised she lashed out. I think you need to make the first move here and apologise, and not a shit ‘I’m sorry my comments made you feel that way’ apology. Your entirely unreasonable for feeling upset, she is probably feeling a whole lot worse, get over yourself and go support your friend.
This. Although OP doesn’t seem to see anything wrong in what she said.
ToastieSnowy · 15/01/2022 11:06

When you say she has 50/50 with the dad, does that mean he has the child 3 nights a week?

RedCandyApple · 15/01/2022 11:06

I’m a single parent (although ex not involved at all) and people love to insist I can do xyz whilst my children are at school or napping etc not realising well no they don’t nap anymore and when they are at school I have a million other things to do, I would be annoyed if someone kept insisting I could do something. What a coincidence that she just happened to text you 😏

zingally · 15/01/2022 11:06

You were a bit patronising, but her response was also pretty snippy and rude.
Both as bad as each other.

As for your friend, there's probably a lot going on under the surface that you don't know about. People are complicated. Adapting to a new baby is hard, sharing custody is hard. Plus she's had a COMPLETE lifestyle change.

I'd be inclined to give her a bit of grace, take the high road, reach out and apologise.

phishy · 15/01/2022 11:08

She resents you and in my experience people like that don’t change.

I would distance myself from her,

OMGisthisforreal · 15/01/2022 11:09

Well OP I think you are not BU and that your friend has finally revealed to you her previously undisclosed thoughts and feelings about you and the contrasts between your way of life compared to hers.
Sometimes a situation results in us suddenly seeing somebody in a completely new and different light and it depends on whether you can move past this, particularly as your circumstances won’t change and neither will hers. Whatever resentments she feels will probably not change, so you’ve got to accept this or move on with other friendships.

Sheabutterisdelish · 15/01/2022 11:10

Aww that's nice, I'd reply back telling her I loved her too.

beachcitygirl · 15/01/2022 11:12

You come across very judgey. I think you should apologise.

Gardeningcreature · 15/01/2022 11:13

I think you could have handled things differently.
Sometimes people are looking for agreement aren’t they? Sometimes they genuinely are looking for advice.
Yes should could put her baby in the crèche but perhaps she doesn’t want to and that is perfectly reasonable. Perhaps she doesn’t feel confident going to the gym alone. Who knows.
It is very different being in a loving relationship than being on your own. Yes she has a baby and yes she has someone who shares responsibility so she isn’t too badly done to however it’s obvious she would rather have done it with the love of her life and had a child with him.
Trust me people don’t often realise how they come across as smug marrieds.
I was a single parent and not through choice, there were some so called friends who I no longer speak to, their twattish attitude put paid to that.
Maybe just concentrate on your other friends .