Am I justifiably pissed off?

[weekfour]

Friend has been eternally single. We are both 40's and it just reached the point where she'd lived to her own rules for so long that she struggles to share her space with men and things fizzle out.

I'm married with 3dc. Me and husband both have full time, full on jobs. She's always wanted to be a mum and had talked about finding a sperm donor.

Last year she unexpected fell pregnant. Was over the moon and has had the baby. She co-parents 50/50 with the father who is very engaged. She works three days a week.

Last week we catastrophically fell out and I'm still quite annoyed. I want to know if I'm being unreasonable or not...
We were having dinner in a larger group of women. During the dinner we were talking about exercising. She said she can't exercise. I said, course you can. I mentioned that some gyms have creches. She then spat back at me 'we don't all have husband's knocking about to pick up the slack'. She then went on to tell me that I 'made her feel like shit' with my 'perfect life'.
Another friend then tried to intervene and she told her that she looks down on her.

I'm so frustrated. I feel guilty for having a partner. And also annoyed, she actually has really good help because babies Dad wants to and does 50%. I always try to make accomodations for her being on her own. She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority.

This isn't the first snipe she's taken like this.

We've now not spoken for a week. It's such a shame because we've been friends for so long and usually support each other well. IABU to still be angry?

Also, I don't know what to do. I hate the confrontation but at the same time I'm sick of her thinking she can speak to me like this.

She probably can't be bothered to go to the gym and "I can't because I'm a single mother" is the excuse she is happy to convince herself and others with. So she was annoyed that you dug into it and effectively dismissed it. She may have thought you were saying something akin to "that's no excuse, you're just a lazy cow" and that stung.

Sometimes you need to read between the lines and nod along understandingly.

@Pinkdelight3

I think even making a comment about 'choices' would have been patronising and your attitude towards her would have come through. As this is what you actually think - She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority. - then the best thing to do would be to keep quiet and let other people with more sympathy let her vent about her problems. Instead, you old her she was wrong and essentially lazy/bad at managing her life - which probably isn't the case as she's dealing with her first baby later in life, working, and managing to juggle things with the DF (agree that 50:50 is very different to parenting together). It does sound like an opportunity for you to both show how much better you'd cope and, if challenged, progress to your own woes - I'd love to use the crèche but I can't because I'm at work - in fact this also sounds like a dig a her for not working more ergo she should be able to gym and creche at her leisure. Honestly, it sounds like you dislike/judge her and it showed, hence she lashed back with an easy attack at smugness.

Agree with this.

Also feel like you're only paying attention to and replying to posts that agree with you (and saying you're not asking if you were being unreasonable, only her!), which is really influencing my perception of you.

Her response was clearly very defensive and I'm sure it felt unpleasant to be on the receiving end, especially in a group setting, but I think that's a pretty understandable reaction if your judgemental attitude was as obvious to her as it is to me..

I think yabu. If this person is your friend and you actually care about her you should care about how she's feeling and what might have caused her to react that way. Even if you disagree, you should still care. Imo you should be looking at your own behaviour and seeing where you went wrong too, not just focusing on what she did wrong and expecting an apology from her, without being willing to consider whether you might owe her one too.

@weekfour

I agree *@nailsathome*. It certainly feels that way.

Funnily enough, she's just text me to tell me she loves me. I think that's probably as close to an apology as I'll get and it's enough for me.

Are you going to apologise to her? You are being judgy when clearly what she needed was empathy and building up rather than being told she is making wrong choices.

I did @sheabutterisdelish. 😍

We've been friends over thirty years.

@SlyAvocado

I think I you were probably a bit patronising with the ‘of course you can’ comment.

Sometimes people just want to moan, they’re not looking for you to correct them or present them with a solution.

Yes, she was just having a moan. Being a single parent is tough -no matter if the DF is involved- she just wanted you to make sympathetic noises not try and find her solutions or disagree with her.

And also annoyed, she actually has really good help because babies Dad wants to and does 50%.

It's still different to having a partner/husband being there for you and the kids every day.

She's a single mum even with the dad's 50%, and being a single parent is f hard.

If this person is your friend and you actually care about her you should care about how she's feeling and what might have caused her to react that way. Even if you disagree, you should still care. Imo you should be looking at your own behaviour and seeing where you went wrong too, not just focusing on what she did wrong and expecting an apology from her, without being willing to consider whether you might owe her one too.

This is my take on friendships

You were both rude.

You don't seem to like her very much and the "that's as close to an apology as I'll ever get" attitude demonstrates you do feel superior to her. She was struggling and instead of feeling supportive you ridiculed her.

You are in difference places in life and it sounds like things are harder than she expected. It's a lot to balance and while on some ways having 50/50 "custody" sounds easier, she doesn't have the same backing as having a partner. Someone to care that she can't get to the gym, even if that solution can't be found, it's nice to have a partner to talk it thought with.

Could she find time? I am sure she can't, but it's about priorities and right now it's not hers and maybe she is feeling guilty as society tells her it should be.

If she is a friend, I would text back that you love her too and that you are sorry if she didn't feel supported by you.

What you said wasn't wrong, but it wasn't supportive. She shouldn't have lost her cool but I think I can see her perspective that you do feel superior to her. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for, and it's not like relationships don't come with their own stresses but from her perspective you have it all together and your "solutions" add to her feelings or stress and failure that she can't manage it all.

So the relationship isn’t over, which is nice… But you know she’s bitterly jealous of a life she’s invented in her mind. She probably gets more time out than you do if the baby’s dad does 50/50 and doesn’t live with her. She just doesn’t have to wash his skiddy underpants, pick up balled up socks off the couch, his wet towels off the bedroom floor or lose sleep when he snores and grinds his teeth. She doesn’t have to deal with his mother, put up with his boring/racist/sexist/sleazy mates or clean up the beer bottles when he’s had a few mates around to watch the football/cricket/whatever sport with balls/porn and then being kept awake seething while they sing loudly and laugh uproariously at things you find highly offensive.
She doesn’t have to hear his incessant stream of OPINIONS.

Yanbu. She CAN but she doesnt want to make it a priority. Bing upset about her choices doesnt change he fact or how she spoke to you.

And she is overreacting to your mutual friend so it's not on you.

She sounds jealous of you. You made a perfectly reasonable suggestion. Maybe she’s struggling a bit also with being a single mum.

@weekfour

I agree *@nailsathome*. It certainly feels that way.

Funnily enough, she's just text me to tell me she loves me. I think that's probably as close to an apology as I'll get and it's enough for me.

OP,

She probably is struggling a bit BUT that does not allow her to use you as her emotional punching bag.

This has happened several times you write?

Next time it does, you need to be prepared with something to say to her.

You can say something like "I know things can be hard as a first time mum, but I am not your emotional punching bag to take out your frustrations on. If you continue to do this, you will ruin our friendship, because I'm not putting up with it any longer".

Then be SILENT.

Let it land.

She will ruin the relationship, of that you can be sure.

You will no longer want to be in her company and will start to avoid meeting up.

If you value the friendship, tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable.

I think rather than say ‘of course you can’ in future it’s best to say ‘have you thought of’. She became defensive because your approach was wrong.

I'm glad it's been resolved. FWIW I think you were both in the wrong but more so you so perhaps it would be sensible in future to keep in mind how you've made her feel. I'm sure you didn't mean to be insensitive but that's certainly how I read your comment. Another poster who referenced you coming across as a 'smug married' was bang on the money imo. Again, I'm sure that's not what you intended, but you can't understand the reality of her situation well enough to tell her what she can (or can't) do. Her reaction was over the top but somewhat understandable.

She then went on to tell me that I 'made her feel like shit' with my 'perfect life

Did she actually say this or was this how you interpreted what she was saying?

Because to be honest, without really necessarily wanting to or intending to, you do seem a bit smug and in a sense wanting to put yourselves in different roles - her of hedonistic single parent with great support and you of married mum of multiple children who manages because we do.

Comparing peoples positions is largely pointless because you just can’t. You can’t work it as ‘well I have three children and she has one and I work five days and she works three’ because children are different, have different levels of need, just as jobs are different and have different levels of demand.

Whatever else she does and doesn’t have, she is telling you she can’t do something and it’s generally best to accept that.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You don’t need to feel guilty for having a partner.

Why didn’t you just tell her we all make different choices? You’re right, she could go to the gym. But she knows that, doesn’t want to, is looking for excuses and feeling chippy so is lashing out. Unpleasant.

I wouldn’t apologise if that’s what she’s waiting for, she can’t go round being a narky cow and expect people to just put up with it.

This is correct. Some people always think the grass is greener. Your life i am sure has it’s own problems and time constraints - she is not interested in them just feels everyone else has it better. Do not apologise as people cannot lash out like toddlers when they feel like it. Understand that she is perhaps finding her change in circumstances more difficult than she anticipated and be there for her but no shouting at people and being rude is not acceptable as an adult

She HAS someone to pick up the slack! I never did! No parents (worth a shit) and ds dad was never any use even when I was with him.

The reason she lashed out is because she’s making excuses and she knows it.

Her comments would have me taking a massive step back actually. She resents you, and that means she’s not to be trusted somehow.

She thinks a pathetic love you text is sufficient when she’s torn into you and others in company? It’s not.

Good for you that you can accept it. I wouldn’t

The reason I wouldn’t is because I’ve been in her situation and worse and never resented my friends with families.

She’s a mummy martyr, watch this space, she’s going to blow up again

I read years ago that one of the differences between men and women is that sometimes when women raise a problem, they want support/sympathy whereas men want, and will offer, a solution. She probably wanted sympathy because being a mum on your own is harder than the imagined and you didn't validate that which hurt her.

I think "of course you can" was quite a judgemental and "male" response and am not surprised that she lashed out , although you probably didn't mean it that way. so 50 50 for me. If you want to continue the friendship, then I would advise you to let it go and neither apologise not expect one......of course they may have been a teeny weeny hint of "aha, now she is feeling reality bite" in your response but only you can know this......

@MzHz

Christ alive!! Projecting much?

@weekfour

Yes, I do want to salvage the friendship. But are we just supposed to say nothing? In the past we've discussed our issues and have tried to find solutions. Why is it different because it's about exercising?

As PP said she wanted empathy and you misread that as needing a solution.

Your perception that her relationships fizzle out because she struggles to share space may not be her perception. She may just envy your seemingly perfect relationship.

The relationship is salvageable if you can both be vulnerable and explain why you felt hurt, without being too defensive or attributing blame.

I like the update - you love each other again, that's lovely. Just get over it now and don't overthink it. It was probably good to have this little insight into how she is feeling. You've been friends a long time and that's not something to just chuck away.

@weekfour

I think you're right *@annelovesgilbert*. I should have replied with something about choices. This was actually what was going around in my head all this week but I maybe needed to find the words.

Thanks for responses. I don't think I'm great with just moaning. I get uncomfortable and try to find the solution but do recognise, on reflection, that that isn't what everyone wants.

I’m in my 60’s and one of the few things I’ve learnt in life is that 99% of people don’t want a solution when they moan, they just want sympathy. I find it hard because I am a ‘solutions based’ person. But I have finally learnt to bite my tongue and say ‘oh dear that’s hard’

Being a single mum is really lonely. We get endless comments about how things are for us. I can see why she snapped. Hope it works out for you both.

Blimey @MzHz, hope you feel better after unloading that 👀