Am I justifiably pissed off?

[weekfour]

Friend has been eternally single. We are both 40's and it just reached the point where she'd lived to her own rules for so long that she struggles to share her space with men and things fizzle out.

I'm married with 3dc. Me and husband both have full time, full on jobs. She's always wanted to be a mum and had talked about finding a sperm donor.

Last year she unexpected fell pregnant. Was over the moon and has had the baby. She co-parents 50/50 with the father who is very engaged. She works three days a week.

Last week we catastrophically fell out and I'm still quite annoyed. I want to know if I'm being unreasonable or not...
We were having dinner in a larger group of women. During the dinner we were talking about exercising. She said she can't exercise. I said, course you can. I mentioned that some gyms have creches. She then spat back at me 'we don't all have husband's knocking about to pick up the slack'. She then went on to tell me that I 'made her feel like shit' with my 'perfect life'.
Another friend then tried to intervene and she told her that she looks down on her.

I'm so frustrated. I feel guilty for having a partner. And also annoyed, she actually has really good help because babies Dad wants to and does 50%. I always try to make accomodations for her being on her own. She could go to the bloody gym if she had the inclination, she just isn't making it a priority.

This isn't the first snipe she's taken like this.

We've now not spoken for a week. It's such a shame because we've been friends for so long and usually support each other well. IABU to still be angry?

Also, I don't know what to do. I hate the confrontation but at the same time I'm sick of her thinking she can speak to me like this.

@weekfour

For what it's worth I don't think you said anything out of line personally.

Maybe she's finding being a single parent working part time three days a week hard to get her head around after only having herself to be responsible for for so long.

She's possibly maybe wishing for a family unit and took a swipe at you.
Either way you wernt out of order for offering a solution.

At least she's text you now.

Maybe meet for a coffee and ask if everything's alright etc

Sounds to me like she's finding it hard like we all do at times

You've been a working parent for longer so your used to it now so she may be open to suggestions or just want a moan.

Either way it's not worth losing a thirty year friendships over

You do sound a bit judgy of your friend. It's probably because you put high expectations on yourself.

I'd explain to my friend that sometimes you feel spread really thin and how you cope is to have a "accept no excuse" mentality (for yourself) but sometimes that ends up including other people, which is really unfair.

Honestly if I were her I’d be pissed off. I wouldn’t have said what she said but as a mother to a seriously disabled DD (I have a DH but he’s self- employed and works hours that mean I’ve almost always been alone), I get so pissed off with people telling me it’s my fault she’s up half the night/I should get up early to do yoga etc type comments (I have PTSD and other issues from a sexual assault) and before she started school this year I was never away from her for more than two hours. We’ve had no respite etc.
You know what her life is like. What you said was unhelpful and patronising

@MzHz do you normally read situations such badly?

I can see why she snapped too. My dh was away for 2 months at a time when mine were small, and people were always offering to come over in the evening but I just needed that time to recharge and it is so relentless and lonely (and I wasn't doing it all the time) as someone said upthread. It gets really tedious when people tell you what you could do.

But I think she's been as upset as you all week going by that message, so hopefully you can move past this.

@weekfour

How old is her baby OP? This sounds like a woman who is struggling with everything and when we feel like this the grass always seems greener elsewhere. Having children changes perspective so her deciding not to have a relationship etc prior this may have been altered since the birth of her child. Sharing care of a child 50 50 is not the same as living with the dad - each will have there own benefits and I'm sure downsides! Which will differ from person to person.

Personally it sounds like you need to have a good chat and a good cry and I think you'll find there's a lot more going on here. Take some flowers round and give her a big hug.

If her baby’s father is doing 50% there’s no practical difference between your scenario and hers

😂😂 sure. There is a huge difference between sharing responsibilities with a partner and doing 100% of the stuff for days without any support (emotional or physical)

Sorry I would have found your comment patronising as well .

Her reaction was over the top but perhaps this was the straw that broke the camels back.

Sounds a wee bit like you wanted to be in the right. Don’t push, it’s not necessary, even if she probably has more free time than you if the dad does 50%!

She said she can't exercise. I said, course you can

'Course you can' is really dismissive and telling her the solution is a little patronising to be honest. It sounds like a possible tired and overwhelmed new mum over-reacted but perhaps this can be salvaged if you apologise for the part of the interaction where you were unpleasant to her.

i dont really see what you said that should have set her off , she complaining she cant exercise and you just offered a solution , because shes chosen to be a single parent in effect even though shes co parenting ,that was her choice to make , she went into it , now shes finding it more difficult than she thought it would be sounds like . but thats not your problem ,

she wants to play the feel sorry for me , and i cant do this and cant do that and then when solutions are offered she turns nasty , because she just only wants to complain and get the sympathy , not have the solutions i think . come accross quite a few people like this in my time and to be fair i think all of us sometimes can get a little like this including me

shes jealous of you , and thats why your getting the digs and then that mean underhand comment , that is stupid in itself as none of us have a perfect life all the time , things can go wrong to anyone at the best of times

its ridiculous to feel guilty because she doesnt have a husband and you do
iv chosen to be single and never have another partner after i left mine when dd was a baby , iv got a married friend with 3 kids ,
her husband is great , her kids are lovely , youngest gets on well with my dd , i thinks her set up is great , i love going to her house , and im under no illusion she has no problems , because i know she does from time to time , she gets on with them like we all do

it sounds like your friend is either struggling a bit in which case a chat might help , but if shes just bitter that her life isnt like yours or the other friends there , sadly theres not a lot you can do about that

My husband is great- I can’t imagine being on my own and not having someone to share . Without being harsh she realised she didn’t have the support there from day one. She will get time but at the mo it’s got to be about her child. She could buy a running buggy and do that if she’s so bothered. Yes your right crèche at gyms like DL and that’s what they are there to do .

When you say 50/50, are you saying the baby lives with it’s father for half the week?

Yes your right crèche at gyms like DL and that’s what they are there to do

David Lloyd is around £70 a month. Can you really not understand why a single mother working part time may struggle with this?

YABU to be pissed off.

You were patronising and rude. No one needs to have their life critiqued over dinner with so called friends.

The fact that you even think that I should have replied with something about choices would have been more acceptable is mind boggling

You should have tried to be a bit more supportive.

I hate these conversations because quite often single mums get more help and space than a married mum does.

Men often don’t pick up the slack until they have to do it alone, she’s being really unkind judging you to be honest.

Hmmm but on the fence here , I think I get more time to myself than any of my married ( with kids ) friends and I’d say me and ex are about a 70/30 split of contact time ( 70 being me ) am currently laid in bed still, reading , zero responsibility, maybe I should exercise 🤔

Anyway the pay off for that is the days you are with your dc it is all on you , no adult company really if you are single and for her probably a realisation she can’t just do what she wants when she wants anymore so she’s maybe feeling the effects of that

Maybe she actually envies you and your family life a little ?

Maybe she needs a little support as a new mum ?

My sister used to drive me insane complaining about her life as a single parent, but absolutely no man on this earth is good enough for her as she is looking for absolute perfection and she will never meet that man, it's a shame really but it's the way she chooses to live so I don't have much sympathy really.

I think she sounds immature and bitter tbh. It must be hard to be an older single mother particularly as you said she's always been on her own but it does sound like she chose that path, it shouldn't be a surprise that it's hard.
I'd be distancing myself, I'd hate to think a friend resented my life that much.

I think you were both being unreasonable, she reacted badly but I actually think what you said was quite insensitive. She's obviously struggling and this will have been the last thing she needed to hear, it would have felt like you were putting her down for not coping better. Perhaps something to be mindful of going forward.

You’re right, she could go to the gym. But she knows that, doesn’t want to, is looking for excuses and feeling chippy so is lashing out. Unpleasant

Or, she’s on her own half the time with a demanding young child, working the rest of the time, is knackered, struggling a bit for money but doesn’t see how she can be better off by increasing her hours right now because of the cost of childcare, and then her so-called firmed comes along and she struggles to admit she’s struggling a bit and lashes out. It’s unpleasant to assume that ‘going to the gym’ is the issue. Why not be a friend and think outside the box a bit? Her friend’s life has changed beyond all compare. Perhaps recognise that whilst you managed to go to the gym with a baby, having a supportive partner helped you achieve that.

You can use the gym regardless of whether you have a partner
Sure. Assuming you can justify the cost on one part-time wage. And the crèche cost on top (if there is a cost to that). Or that it will fit around your baby’s routine. Or a 101 other things she’s probably told you only from your position as a person in a happy partnership, you haven’t really heard because it’s just not something that would register as an issue for you.

Nothing is more patronising or irritating than when someone who isn’t a single parent tries telling you how easy it is to do XYZ

It’s not your fault she made a rash decision she regrets now. Don’t feel guilty for having a partner.

It’s not your fault she made a rash decision she regrets now

Erm? What? Is that what you think single parenting is? A rash decision that is regretted?

I think she was a bit unreasonable to have a go at you but as you clearly value her as a friend, you need to try and understand where she was coming from. She was probably triggered by your comments and says more about her anxieties than what you actually said. I've been single with a baby and, even if the father is very involved, you still end up going places alone with baby at the weekends and are surrounded by 2 parent families. You have the guilt that growing up in a single parent family isn't as "good" so you do feel quite defensive at times and it sounds like you triggered that.

It can also be frustrating when people in partnerships don't quite understand your reality and say things like "oh, I wish I had weekends off" when you desperately miss baby at those times or "oh, we'd have loads of money if we split up and i claimed benefits" or, as my boss said to me "oh, everyone will hate you at the school gates and think you're going to steal their husbands" . You may not have said those types of things but others might have and maybe you're the one close enough to (unfairly) bear the brunt of ALL the comments she has received.

Also, fwiw, I've never gone to the gym, partly because it feels like there's always something else more important! Taking baby swimming, to groups etc, housework, admin/organisational tasks, getting some downtime that I actually enjoy, catching up on some work bits because Ive taken days off to look after ill child etc etc.

I think if you enjoy the gym then you feel that is your downtime/hobby/you time, I wish I was one of those people! Maybe if you can get enough motivation to start, it becomes easier to feel that way but I just feel a gym is torture - the other people, waitng for equipment or worrying someone is waiting for yours, the getting there (nearest would be a 15 min drive), changing, showering etc etc. It feels like such a waste of time to me . A long walk is much more enjoyable for me so I do that plus some yoga etc at home and a bit of mini trampoline in front of netflix! It may be the gym isn't the right exercise for her but there are other options (but maybe leave it to someone else to suggest ).