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AIBU?

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Original poster

To talk to son’s ‘friend’s’ mum?

187 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 15/01/2022 00:11

My DS is 12. Has been friends with this bit, let’s call him Oliver, since toddler group. I’m friends with his mum, not close friends but we do socialise occasionally. Dos and Oliver both moved to the same school last year. They were friendly to begin with but Oliver is now in the ‘in’ crowd and DS isn’t. Oliver seems to be making a low-level campaign against DS. If DS sits at the same lunch table Oliver gets up and moves and takes his mates with him, on occasion leaving DS sitting on his own. He’s telling people DS is weird, annoying, lazy, crap at sport etc and DS is finding other people he thought we’re friends are now pulling away from him too. Do I speak to Oliver’s mum, or do I speak to school? Or do nothing? Is this normal adjustment of friendship groups? I’m thinking it is verging on bullying but I worry I am overreacting. DS is crying in bed and I’m absolutely raging at Oliver, so I need some perspective please fellow MNers!

OP posts:
Neolara · 15/01/2022 00:14

I would talk to the school. It's not verging on bullying. It is bullying. Sorry your son is going through this.

Howmanysleepsnow · 15/01/2022 00:18

I did, in this situation.
I basically asked if DS had upset “Oliver” because I couldn’t understand why he’d been doing x, y or x otherwise. “Oliver‘s” mum said, and I quote, Oliver had grown up to be a little shit and she’d speak to him and remove his phone. And to let her know if it improved because if it didn’t he wasn’t getting the phone back. It improved.
And DS got his own strong friendship group and honestly couldn’t care less about “Oliver” now.

HP87 · 15/01/2022 00:20

Definitely bullying and Definitely speak to the school. You're describing my exact fear if my niece and dd end up at the same secondary school. My dd being your ds and my niece being Oliver. I wouldn't hesitate to bring it up with the school if anyone made dds school life a misery

Rubyyyy · 15/01/2022 00:25

I’d speak to the mum first especially if you are friendly with her, bet she won’t be pleased her kids acting that way and hopefully can have a talk with him. If that doesn’t work then go to the school and report him for being a horrible little bully.

LondonQueen · 15/01/2022 00:25

This is bullying. Phone the school and ask to talk to his head of year. If you can't get through to them, a member of SLT. If you're not happy with the action taken, write a letter of complaint and ask for a meeting with the Head and Chair of Governors. I hope your DS gets it sorted soon.

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 15/01/2022 00:25

Thank you! @Howmanysleepsnow that’s good. I will take the approach ‘has DS done something to upset Oliver’. Good starting point. I will also talk to school so they can keep an eye on it.

OP posts:
FireDancer1 · 15/01/2022 00:34

This breaks my heart. I'd talk to his mum first. If nothing changes within a week, go to the school. I can't stand bullying! What a horrible boy your friends son sounds x

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 15/01/2022 00:37

@FireDancer1

This breaks my heart. I'd talk to his mum first. If nothing changes within a week, go to the school. I can't stand bullying! What a horrible boy your friends son sounds x
It’s breaking my heart too. I just want to protect my DS, I wish the other bit would just leave! Unlikely, but I can dream. I’m going to talk to his mum over the weekend and school on Monday. I can’t let this continue without saying anything.
OP posts:
Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 15/01/2022 21:24

Well I messaged her and she’s coming round for a chat tomorrow. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
gsaoej · 15/01/2022 21:28

It sounds like straight up bullying. I'd tackle it very carefully with his mum and not use the word bullying.

I would be furious if one of my kids treated other kids like this - she may well be the same. Other people defend their kids whatever they do, even if it involves killing animals (yes I do know one of these who did that to a school animal and bullied the crap out of anyone he could get to and his parents denied everything).

TolkiensFallow · 15/01/2022 21:32

I would gently talk to the mum if she’s your friend.

If it was one of my friends kids and we’ve all got long-standing relationships, I’d be gutted if they spoke to the school before me

Allthelols · 15/01/2022 21:38

Ooh good luck. She sounds open to a conversation at least. Be calm and don’t openly criticise Oliver as remember she will go into protective mum mode too most likely. Just give the facts. Hope it goes ok.

hivemindneeded · 15/01/2022 22:01

I spoke briefly on the phone to a mother about her son treating one of my sons in a similar way. I was told by someone else that the father was furious with his son and made him very ashamed of the bullying, which stopped. The mother never spoke to me again, and used to whisper with her friends when I passed her at school functions, but we were never close anyway, so no loss, and i was genuinely extremely glad that they had tackled it properly.

Legodout · 15/01/2022 22:10

Good luck for tomorrow. As cautioned by previous posters, it will need sensitive handling, but don't do what I'm prone to do and minimise it. I would state the impact it is having on your son (crying at night) and give a few examples. Hopefully she will accept what you are saying and agree to talk to Oliver, but it's probably best to be prepared that she might come around tomorrow ready with counter-claims (either real or made up by Oliver).

blyn · 15/01/2022 23:19

Poor kid. I agree with those who say talk to his teacher but don't go to his mum.

FireDancer1 · 16/01/2022 02:00

I hope she takes on board what you're saying, and has a firm chat with her son. I'm hoping it will be resolved by next week

Jeschara · 16/01/2022 02:12

Going against the grain, do you think Oliver has made new friends and perhaps he does not want your son around him now. This happens when they leave their junior school.
The things he is saying though are wrong and he needs to be taken to task on this.
I would encourage your son to make his own friends and stop getting upset about Oliver because he does not sound very nice.

KloppsTeeth · 16/01/2022 02:33

Good luck. I have done this twice and twice it has worked. Where I didn’t know the parents, I asked school to deal with it, because this is bullying.

A pp said to ask for a meeting with the Head and Chair of Governors. I am a chair of governors and we are not allowed to get involved at this stage. Everything has to go through a proper process, which is the complaints policy, used if informal route doesn’t work. The role of governors and chair of governors is often misunderstood on MN (and elsewhere). We are strategic not operational.

trickytimes · 16/01/2022 04:03

How awful. I hope you can get it sorted

Marvellousmadness · 16/01/2022 04:59

At 12, talking to his mum... could end up causing wayyyy more bullying for your son vs solving the problem

You are beter off helping your son on his self esteem. To fight for his right to be there and to help him be stronger etc x

SNUG2022 · 16/01/2022 05:24

Good luck op. Just say you understand if they've grown apart and to do their own thing, but your DS must be left with some friends. Ask if your ds has done something really awful as he must have to warrant such behaviour...etc.

WTF475878237NC · 16/01/2022 05:29

My neice is in a similar situation at 13. Oliver's mum has got really defensive and now the school are involved. Hopefully they will sort it.

Good luck. I hope his mum can put herself in your shoes.

Hawkins001 · 16/01/2022 06:12

All the best

SquirrelG · 16/01/2022 06:30

You are beter off helping your son on his self esteem. To fight for his right to be there and to help him be stronger etc

I tend to agree with this. At 12 your son needs to learn how to deal with people like this. I know it's horrible behaviour, but honestly there is a real world out there which your DS will have to function in, and he needs to start learning how to do it now or there will be problems in later life, and he can't have his parents interfering forever. Oliver sounds thoroughly unpleasant and I would be encouraging my son to find better friends if I were you.

Billandben444 · 16/01/2022 06:34

Good luck with the chat. You may hear some home truths though as Oliver's mum won't take kindly to any accusations of bullying and it could be that he's just grown away from your son. Other friends that are dropping him won't be worth fighting for (a proper friend always has your back) so I'd also encourage him to look for a different friendship group. Personally, I'd just say to his mum that it's a shame they've drifted apart and does she know why. Good luck but tread carefully.