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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to son’s ‘friend’s’ mum?

187 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 15/01/2022 00:11

My DS is 12. Has been friends with this bit, let’s call him Oliver, since toddler group. I’m friends with his mum, not close friends but we do socialise occasionally. Dos and Oliver both moved to the same school last year. They were friendly to begin with but Oliver is now in the ‘in’ crowd and DS isn’t. Oliver seems to be making a low-level campaign against DS. If DS sits at the same lunch table Oliver gets up and moves and takes his mates with him, on occasion leaving DS sitting on his own. He’s telling people DS is weird, annoying, lazy, crap at sport etc and DS is finding other people he thought we’re friends are now pulling away from him too. Do I speak to Oliver’s mum, or do I speak to school? Or do nothing? Is this normal adjustment of friendship groups? I’m thinking it is verging on bullying but I worry I am overreacting. DS is crying in bed and I’m absolutely raging at Oliver, so I need some perspective please fellow MNers!

OP posts:
Yespresh · 17/01/2022 17:38

As a mother of a 26 year old DS who got involved in the past. Do not under any circumstances contact the school or ‘Oliver’s’ Mum. It will get worse for your DS, trust me. Wish I had never mentioned it. We ended up moving schools.

Nailsbythesea · 17/01/2022 17:59

@Neolara

I would talk to the school. It's not verging on bullying. It is bullying. Sorry your son is going through this.
This -this is clear exclusion & bullying it is a safeguarding issue.
mylifestory · 17/01/2022 18:01

Speak to the mum as you go back further than the current school so know each others kids better. Ask her if her son has changed his mind about being friends with yours, which would be fine bt he is going about it in a strange way ..... then go on describing as much as you need depending on what she says. Definitely do it in person tho, can come across strangely online / texts etc.

We had similar at end of primary. We got up and left to homeschool for most of the last year, thankfully with covid as an excuse. Luckily none of those got into the same school as us. Phew!

chillidoritto · 17/01/2022 18:04

Thanks for the update! Has he had a better day today, OP?

thenovice · 17/01/2022 18:11

Talk to the school and keep a diary of what your son says has happened. It is bullying.

Oddbobbyboo · 17/01/2022 18:15

I would definitely speak to his mum as you know each other x I’m sure that she’ll be devastated and get it sorted right away.

If that ends up being a disaster then contact the head of year x

MissPeregrine · 17/01/2022 18:16

DS has had this on and off throughout Secondary.

Thankfully he comes to me and tells me everything and we have discussed, tried to help and support. I’ve never gone to another parent, always to school, every single time.

While I appreciate that some parents will take on board what you’ve discussed, others will be the opposite and so will their DC, resulting in the bullying escalating.

It’s always going to be a huge gamble talking to another parent but this is your DC school life you’re gambling with. They are there 6+ hours a day dealing with a situation that could escalate. It’s not always going to work out.

I’m glad the talk went ok, OP and I really hope things improve for your DS but I’d also encourage him to spread his wings and find other friends too as this situation might be far from over, I really hope it is but in the meantime discuss with him the importance of spreading those friendship groups far and wide.

Friendships ebb and flow throughout secondary. DS is now in Y10 and still has issues with a certain boy who he thought of as a friend from Primary.

DDMAC · 17/01/2022 18:26

We had this too with dd. I don’t know how many times we went to the school but I looked at moving her, visited another school. Husband was against moving her. The turning point came when I was dropping her one day and she said I don’t want to live anymore. She was kept back a year (Ireland) and is like a completely new person. In our case it was all the girls turned against her, she was outnumbered

eagerlywaitingfor · 17/01/2022 18:28

Pleased to read your update, hopefully things will be more positive now, and that will be the end of it.

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 17/01/2022 18:45

He’s had a great day. He went to Oliver this morning, they shook hands and Oliver apologised. He spent lunch and break with a different bunch of lads and seems so much happier. Fingers crossed it continues

OP posts:
Subbaxeo · 17/01/2022 18:47

This happened to my daughter. I didn’t really know the parent so I advised her not to consider this girl as a friend and find friends who behave like friends. It’s heartbreaking seeing your kid really upset and sobbing over someone’s bullying. She did find a new group of friends and refused to rejoin the old group when this girl changed her mind. But I would have involved the school if things didn’t I,prove.

Pipsquiggle · 17/01/2022 18:51

Well done OP.

Fingers crossed, things will go better for your son. Like you say, they don't have to be mates but the nastiness has to stop

Mandyjack · 17/01/2022 18:51

Isolation is a form of bullying. If you've known her that long I'd speak to her and see if she's aware of what's going on. If you don't get any joy then go to the school. I think it's natural that friendship groups change at secondary school when new people are added to the mix but his behaviour is obviously upsetting and unfair

EdenFlower · 17/01/2022 18:54

I think this is something which happens a lot when children start secondary school and try to establish new friendship groups. While it's not nice and it does need nipping in the bud, it will settle down I think as they become more secure in their new friendships. I'd speak to the school not the other mum!

Lollipopopop · 17/01/2022 19:01

@MsTSwift

We have to teach them they are going to have to deal with horrible people throughout life it’s upsetting and shit but they need coping mechanisms and they need to be (or at least appear to be) strong and confident.
This ^

I worked this out the hard way with dd2 and realised this was the most useful thing to do, as well as build up her self esteem and encourage interests and friendship outside of school.

I also learnt to NEVER discuss it with the other parent, even in a friendly way, especially if they are a friend of yours, as it rarely has the desired effect. They are usually defensive or protective of their own dc or just happy that their own dc are ok and not interested in rocking any boats or the school having a bad impression of their dc.

Telling school is a risk, it could help but could also cause more problems. It rarely makes the friendships work again and can cause the group to become tighter and your dc to be seen as a snitch.

It’s awful, I do sympathise massively.

MerryMarigold · 17/01/2022 19:02

This is bullying. Talk to school not Mum. School will know how to deal with it in a sensitive way.

VioletLemon · 17/01/2022 19:05

Speak to school, they will be all over this. Oliver is a little shit who needs to learn some consequences. It will benefit everyone in the long run!

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 17/01/2022 19:06

Good for you, OP you handled it perfectly and showed your DS you have his back.

When this sort of thing has happened to us, and to friends in the past, and we know the parents, we raise and discuss it with them in the first instance - low drama and with a face-to-face discussion between reasonable adults, it’s quickly resolved.

The people involved are reasonable people which, of course, helps.

ClassicsBelle · 17/01/2022 19:09

So glad things are looking to be much improved. I think you handled the situation so well. Your son deserves good and kind friends. You set a good example for him in how you responded and he also knows you will stand up for him. Well done.

Chocolatehamper · 17/01/2022 19:15

@Howmanysleepsnow

I did, in this situation. I basically asked if DS had upset “Oliver” because I couldn’t understand why he’d been doing x, y or x otherwise. “Oliver‘s” mum said, and I quote, Oliver had grown up to be a little shit and she’d speak to him and remove his phone. And to let her know if it improved because if it didn’t he wasn’t getting the phone back. It improved. And DS got his own strong friendship group and honestly couldn’t care less about “Oliver” now.

Love this and love your 'Oliver's Mum' even more for owning it and dealing with it... too many don't!

DreamTheMoors · 17/01/2022 19:16

@FireDancer1

This breaks my heart. I'd talk to his mum first. If nothing changes within a week, go to the school. I can't stand bullying! What a horrible boy your friends son sounds x
Talking to the mum will only make the bullying worse, as the bully will say that your DS ran home to mummy and the bullying will escalate. Talk to the school or teach DS to tough it out. Love, someone who was bullied and knows
Tallyhodavey · 17/01/2022 19:16

I spoke to a mum recently of a child being mean in a similar way to my DD11 who had just started a new school. It resolved well.
I asked if add had done something to upset the child, and if so DD would happily apologise. And for good measure I invited the child to come over for a sleepover and dinner. The girls are now friends.

Chocolatehamper · 17/01/2022 19:20

@ScatteredMama82

He’s had a great day. He went to Oliver this morning, they shook hands and Oliver apologised. He spent lunch and break with a different bunch of lads and seems so much happier. Fingers crossed it continues

This has made me so happy! As a mum who's son was bullied all through Primary and most of Secondary - until he hit 6'3" and they wouldn't dare any more! I applaud you, Oliver's mum and both your sons. Long may the peace reign!! X

Dizzybet74 · 17/01/2022 19:30

Similar happened to me at the same age and it's horrible..I didn't want to go to school and my so called best friend turned all other friends and pretty much my whole form against me. My mum eventually got to the bottom of what was wrong and spoke to the teacher but she did nothing! I think these days things are better (?) With the whole zero tolerance. Definitely speak to the school as it is bullying. And if I were that mum I'd want to know my child is being a bully, so yes to having a word with her too. Good luck x

Pixxie7 · 17/01/2022 19:41

Bless you it’s a very difficult situation, I can imagine how angry you are. However I am not sure that talking to Oliver’s mum is the right thing to do. He is being bullied so the school should do something. As you have already agreed to talk to his mum, I would keep it low key, let her know that your DS is being bullied, and your not sure what to do and see how she reacts. Get the school involved to keep an eye on things and go from there.

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