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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to son’s ‘friend’s’ mum?

187 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 15/01/2022 00:11

My DS is 12. Has been friends with this bit, let’s call him Oliver, since toddler group. I’m friends with his mum, not close friends but we do socialise occasionally. Dos and Oliver both moved to the same school last year. They were friendly to begin with but Oliver is now in the ‘in’ crowd and DS isn’t. Oliver seems to be making a low-level campaign against DS. If DS sits at the same lunch table Oliver gets up and moves and takes his mates with him, on occasion leaving DS sitting on his own. He’s telling people DS is weird, annoying, lazy, crap at sport etc and DS is finding other people he thought we’re friends are now pulling away from him too. Do I speak to Oliver’s mum, or do I speak to school? Or do nothing? Is this normal adjustment of friendship groups? I’m thinking it is verging on bullying but I worry I am overreacting. DS is crying in bed and I’m absolutely raging at Oliver, so I need some perspective please fellow MNers!

OP posts:
Scottsy100 · 17/01/2022 22:03

Speak to the Mum definitely she probably has no idea what her son is doing and would probably be mortified he is clearly becoming a bully

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 17/01/2022 22:15

DS has a similar problem with his ex best friend.... said boy joined late to the school, DS who has ASD and doesn’t usually like new people as it’s change, friended him and they were friends until they went to high school, they got split up and were in different half’s of the year. Now they are back in the same half, the boy is in DS drama class and DS says the boy just sits there and stares at him. Obviously every situation is different but maybe it’s worth mentioning to the mum and stating that you didn’t want to get school involved, but if it continues you’ll have no choice but too... sometimes it works.

Whyisitsodifficult · 17/01/2022 22:31

As a parent I’d like to know if my child was bullying someone else, so I’d speak to the parent.

CharityDingle · 17/01/2022 22:33

@ScatteredMama82

He’s had a great day. He went to Oliver this morning, they shook hands and Oliver apologised. He spent lunch and break with a different bunch of lads and seems so much happier. Fingers crossed it continues
Great, OP.

I would still keep a very close eye and ear on things. It is bullying and unfortunately could happen again.

Well done, and I hope that is the end of it though.

NoRaceInThisHorse · 17/01/2022 22:37

It is bullying. I wouldn't talk to his mum, I'd go to the school in the first instance. They need to be aware anyway.

Dasher789 · 17/01/2022 22:48

So happy for your ds op. Hope the new group are better to him Flowers

CharityDingle · 17/01/2022 23:17

@NoRaceInThisHorse

It is bullying. I wouldn't talk to his mum, I'd go to the school in the first instance. They need to be aware anyway.
OP has already spoken to his mum.
Abhannmor · 17/01/2022 23:19

[quote LadyEloise1]@StepAwayFromGoogling
That was so difficult for you. Sad. Did you ever reconcile with your friend or find out why she did it ?
I hope in time you made lots of new friends.
I remember my ds went to the Gaeltacht ( a rite of passage almost in Ireland for many teenagers - you do a month's residential course in certain parts of Ireland to learn Irish, you stay in a local home and have classes and there are organised recreational "fun" times and céilis ) with a school friend. They had a good time, no issues. When they returned to school a few weeks later, ds was excluded from his friend's birthday party. He was gutted. He had no idea why. He never did find out.
[/quote]
Perhaps that boy was embarrassed by the Gaeltacht connection? When my lads returned from their summer school one of their classmates said ' only gays are good at Irish!' Language skills are a girls' prerogative apparently.

Teenagehorrorbag · 17/01/2022 23:36

I had this with both DCs.

DDs best friend started that behaviour within a few weeks of starting secondary. DD had always had easy friendships throughout primary, and was devastated for a few weeks. Her 'friend' made new friends and ignored her, and sat at different parts of the table. No overt bullying but plain nastiness, and other mutual friends told her they'd said she was childish (as in not wearing slap and fawning around boys age 11.......!). But she made new friends from scratch and soon had a lovely friendship group.

DS had a harder time. He has SN and went up with some friends who later turned against him. Again - nasty comments but nothing you can really expect the school to deal with. I tried to suggest to one 'friend's Mum that her son was being manipulated by another boy, but it's hard without evidence etc. Mostly DS keeps his distance but his one other friend is part of that group so it's all or nothing. It breaks my heart that he often spends lunchtimes alone, but at Year 9 it's too late to make new friends......Sad

I think this sh1t is a rite of passage for many sadly - and a learning curve that people can be really mean. If Oliver's Mum won't play ball then there's not much you can do. Alert the school - but they won't be there when incidents occur. Your DS has my heartfelt sympathy.....

expat101 · 17/01/2022 23:47

A hand up from me too although our DD was older and ours involved a new girl in the road/school.

I wrote a spiel to explain events as I knew of them, but it just sounded silly as there are bits I don't understand and other people involved who became very cool towards me and I don't understand that either.

All I will say is at the end of DD's schooling, the new girl had successfully divided the lovely group of friends DD had, her best friend had changed over to the new girl's and DD was out on her own.

I have had to block the new girl on FB as anytime I contributed to the community page she would use the angry face on my posts. When I have passed her on the road, her face is full of hatred. Yet she will wave at Hubby as he drives by...

It hurts to see your children treated very badly and singled out. My guess is this Oliver, given time, will start his tricks again.

The best thing is to try to encourage your DS to find other interests and friend groups and make friends with them. If Oliver does start up again, then fingers crossed DS will have a bit of strength from this experience to know it's Oliver's problem and not his.

ConsuelaHammock · 18/01/2022 00:05

We had a similar issue with my son and his ‘best friend ‘ during his last year in primary school. I called the mum out on something her son did and she has totally blanked me.
Encourage your son to hang around with his new friends. He can nod a greeting to Oliver but don’t assume he’s his friend anymore.
I hope he is happy and continues to make new friends.

Bertiebiscuit · 18/01/2022 09:29

Yes speak to the mother, but then go to school if it doesn't improve really quickly - this is nasty bullying but school can't help if they don't know - needs nipping in the bud quickly and completely - bullying of this level can leave long term scars

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