To talk to son’s ‘friend’s’ mum?

[ScatteredMama82]

My DS is 12. Has been friends with this bit, let’s call him Oliver, since toddler group. I’m friends with his mum, not close friends but we do socialise occasionally. Dos and Oliver both moved to the same school last year. They were friendly to begin with but Oliver is now in the ‘in’ crowd and DS isn’t. Oliver seems to be making a low-level campaign against DS. If DS sits at the same lunch table Oliver gets up and moves and takes his mates with him, on occasion leaving DS sitting on his own. He’s telling people DS is weird, annoying, lazy, crap at sport etc and DS is finding other people he thought we’re friends are now pulling away from him too. Do I speak to Oliver’s mum, or do I speak to school? Or do nothing? Is this normal adjustment of friendship groups? I’m thinking it is verging on bullying but I worry I am overreacting. DS is crying in bed and I’m absolutely raging at Oliver, so I need some perspective please fellow MNers!

I would tell him not to go near him anymore.
None of those kids are his real friends and that is something your son can learn from this.
Real friends don't do that.
My son had something similar with one of his main friends and the whole lot started bullying him.
I informed the school.
Also informed the parents who I knew and it didn't work, the bullying continued and he was called a snitch.
Long story short after a nasty incident, He moved forms and started to hang around with more mild mannered kids.
I would ask about the form moving if these kids are in your son's form group.
This was a fantastic move for my son and really helped him, he also moved some groups to avoid the bullies.
He now has a great set of friends, whilst the other kids have really gone down hill in behaviour.
(Smoking, fighting each other and always falling out with each other.)
I said to him it was a blessing in disguise.
I would encourage your son to make better friends with the nicer kids.
Get him to arrange things with them, so they can strengthen their friendships outside of school.
This really helped with my son.
Best of luck.

Year 7 is a very tumultuous year op and it really is a bit lord of the flies. It is very normal with so many more kids in the mix for friendships to change drastically as children try other friends on for size and as they develop more fixed ideas, tastes and values.

Unfortunately in the process some kids get caught in the cross fire and the ones wanting to leave their friends behind often don’t know how to tell them. They feel bad. But don’t know how to express it. I think to assuage their guilt, they make out the friend from primary has some kind of flaw and it can really snowball from there.

This didn’t happen to my dd. But I heard of it happening to others. And I heard both sides of the story from the parents of the girl who was rejected (let’s call her Mary) and the parents of the girls, who didn’t want to be friends with her anymore (let’s call them Tilly and Lea). Mary’s mother called Tilly and Lea’s mothers a few times because Mary was upset and asking them to get their girls to hang around with her again. I think it was very stressful for everyone and resulted in Mary’s parents removing her from school. Tilly and Lea’s mums said in the end, they don’t know how the girls stopped it all and they don’t care. I was rather surprised by their reaction tbh, however, idk how persistent Mary’s mum was.

These mums were clear, they didn’t think at secondary parents should be involved in friendships. From personal experience, I disagree and think yr7 parents do still need to get involved. Not so much so as they go into yr8 and beyond.

Speak to the school. Your son is being bullied by his ex friend.

I wouldn't have talked to the mum. But you have now. I would have emailed HoY and asked them to phone me, to get the 'bullying noted' abs get pastoral care to support ds in friendship making. I would also talk to ds about how Oliver is not a friend anymore, they've outgrown eachother and how to make new friends without relying on Oliver at all.

ds(17) managed to navigate through this a couple of times in secondary and is with a great group of friends (boys and girls) he has more in common with while the "in crowd" that have spent the last few years getting pissed in fields are now the losers.

While you have an intense short term problem with your ds until he settles into a new group of friends he will get there and come out stronger and more able to recognise unhealthy behaviour or friendships, I would be more concerned for Oliver's prospects long term as some of ds's older friends are not in good places now.

Start with school . Then if persists talk to mum . Oliver needs to realise that acting in this way has consequences. School can make sure your son is teamed up with nicer students in ways that aren’t obvious. Good luck 💐

@Snowdropsinourforest

I am sure she was simply trying to spare your feelings or avoid any kind of upset and thought the school would deal with it quietly without either of you being involved.

I hope she comes back to you and you can move past it and continue to be friends, these hiccups happen as the children grow up, and regardless of anything else the children ARE still growing up and learning about life. In her position I would deeply appreciate your message, and it was very big of you to message her, and if nothing else you have done everything you can and behaved with maturity and kindness. It is all we can do, is model good examples to our kids and hope they get there eventually!

Agree, excellent advice snowdrop and excellent action mamma

Year 7 is a very tumultuous year op and it really is a bit lord of the flies. It is very normal with so many more kids in the mix for friendships to change drastically as children try other friends on for size and as they develop more fixed ideas, tastes and values.

Unfortunately in the process some kids get caught in the cross fire and the ones wanting to leave their friends behind often don’t know how to tell them. They feel bad. But don’t know how to express it. I think to assuage their guilt, they make out the friend from primary has some kind of flaw and it can really snowball from there.

This by littledragon is true.

@ScatteredMama82

Also, I feel I can approach Oliver’s mum as she has phoned me before when Oliver was upset about something DS had said. This was in Year 6. It was about whether Santa was real or not!

Sounds promising then... she'd have to be pretty brass-necked to want to resolve a santa spoiler but turn a blind eye to bullying (which is what this is whatever the motives are in the heart of the other boy, sounds like he's enjoying his power a bit too much at least). Hope the chat went/goes well OP. With the other mum on your side I'm hopeful it'll be sorted soon.

@Neolara

I would talk to the school. It's not verging on bullying. It is bullying. Sorry your son is going through this.

It is bullying.

Speak to both the school and Oliver’s mum. I’m sure she’ll be horrified. Don’t demonise him to her - teens can be crap - but just say he’s doing this, you know teens - can she please work with you to stop it. Also let her know you’ve let the school know as it’s out of hand, and when you do let the school know you’re going to let Oliver’s mum know and you’re sure she’ll be horrified.

One of my partners best mates did exactly this at this age. They’d been friends since they were 4. His parents were horrified, dealt with him calmly, I am sure there was a cool patch, but 30 odd years later they are close friends.

i wouldn't even bother, or make a fuss about this... These things happen in schools quite a lot, as in little groups put someone else on the outside of them all.. At 12 years old, the child should be able to speak up for themselves. and talk to the other chidlren, who are pushing a more sensitive child away from their little groups..

I don't ever remember any parents rushing to school,to talk to a teacher or head of school for this kind of issue, when my two children were at school, not unless a child was being seriouly bullied,and being bashed up by some other kids.

I'd speak to the school. They can excercise more control over Oliver's behaviour in school .

Hope things improve OP. What an unpleasant situation

"16:511forAll74

i wouldn't even bother, or make a fuss about this... These things happen in schools quite a lot, as in little groups put someone else on the outside of them all.. At 12 years old, the child should be able to speak up for themselves. and talk to the other chidlren, who are pushing a more sensitive child away from their little groups..

I don't ever remember any parents rushing to school,to talk to a teacher or head of school for this kind of issue, when my two children were at school, not unless a child was being seriouly bullied,and being bashed up by some other kids."

Fortunately the education system no longer holds such views. Bullying incidents have to be recorded and reported to governors. Ofsted will ask about them. Every school has to have an anti bullying policy and to educate their pupils about this.

Bullying affects a large percentage of the school population and causes real harm at times in terms of a young person's mental health. It isn't something that should be shrugged off or put down to over-sensitivity.

Forget the mum
Talk To The School.
Monitor the situation and if necessary go to the school and have a meeting. Do Not Give Up.

@1forAll74 I think it’s really sad that you’d turn a blind eye to your child being bullied, suffering verbal abuse and exclusion. It’s an awful think for a child to go through, I would 100% support my child and definitely do everything within my power to resolve it.
Op hope it went ok today. You’re doing the right thing.

I hope it went well.
As a Mum your heart breaks when your dc are being treated badly. With every fibre of your being you want to make things right again for them.

@Pleaseuniverseplease

It's pretty obvious Oliver's loving life at senior school. His Mum will be over the moon he's happy and enjoying it therefore will not want to hear how her son is a bully. Not will she want the school to hear of any of this and have to witness hod fall from grace. I don't think she'll take it well OP and I'd worry they're going to twist all this into being something your ds has done so her ds doesn't get into trouble. They'll definitely be on the defensive and just know you're going to involve the school.

Go to the school before she gets wind of this.

Unfortunately I think this is highly likely.

This isn't a falling out, this is both ugly and nasty.

Your priority is not her feelings, it is your son.

I would be going straight to the school.

Far better to keep things neutral.

How very distressing for you and your poor son.

Kids move on, the nastiness is inexcusable and needs to be dealt with.

OP, unfortunately this happens during the move up to secondary and new friendship groups forming- little fish suddenly in a big pond.

I know when DD moved up it happened in both directions and when DD behaved nastily to a former friend her mum got in touch and I read the riot act. I was also mindful former friend probably antagonised to some extent because I had seen this is their relationship before. However that did not excuse her resulting behaviour and it was dealt with. It resulted in all friendships ending, although they do now sit together at lunch and talk online. Before it was sleep overs, a joint holiday and bbqs.

Speak to the school. It's bullying by exclusion. Also advise your son to find some kinder friends.

Hope it went well with the mum
Don't contact school to see if you 2 mums can sort it first as school do sometimes make things worse they call the children in and then your known as a snitch
If it doesn't improve contact school

@1forAll74

i wouldn't even bother, or make a fuss about this... These things happen in schools quite a lot, as in little groups put someone else on the outside of them all.. At 12 years old, the child should be able to speak up for themselves. and talk to the other chidlren, who are pushing a more sensitive child away from their little groups..

I don't ever remember any parents rushing to school,to talk to a teacher or head of school for this kind of issue, when my two children were at school, not unless a child was being seriouly bullied,and being bashed up by some other kids.

A child crying himself to sleep at night is perfectly normal and nothing to make a fuss about?

I hope you don't have children, @1forAll74

Hope the chat went well

@rc22

Speak to the school. It's bullying by exclusion. Also advise your son to find some kinder friends.

Not regarding the op but regarding your post. What do you expect Oliver to do if it is bullying by exclusion? Do you think 12 year olds should be friends because their parents say so?