Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to son’s ‘friend’s’ mum?

187 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 15/01/2022 00:11

My DS is 12. Has been friends with this bit, let’s call him Oliver, since toddler group. I’m friends with his mum, not close friends but we do socialise occasionally. Dos and Oliver both moved to the same school last year. They were friendly to begin with but Oliver is now in the ‘in’ crowd and DS isn’t. Oliver seems to be making a low-level campaign against DS. If DS sits at the same lunch table Oliver gets up and moves and takes his mates with him, on occasion leaving DS sitting on his own. He’s telling people DS is weird, annoying, lazy, crap at sport etc and DS is finding other people he thought we’re friends are now pulling away from him too. Do I speak to Oliver’s mum, or do I speak to school? Or do nothing? Is this normal adjustment of friendship groups? I’m thinking it is verging on bullying but I worry I am overreacting. DS is crying in bed and I’m absolutely raging at Oliver, so I need some perspective please fellow MNers!

OP posts:
ditalini · 16/01/2022 21:32

Bloody hell Duck. Read the op again - it's a little bit more than just not wanting to be friends anymore Hmm

At the very least, Oliver needs to learn that you can stop being best friends with someone without complete ostracisation and carrying out character assassination.

He doesn't need to go scorched earth...

Ducksurprise · 16/01/2022 21:35

Bloody hell ditalini read my post

Not regarding the op but regarding your post.

There it is in bold.

Greenfields124 · 16/01/2022 21:37

Just a word of advice OP make sure you keep communication really open with your son and he feels able to tell you everything, I think you are better off including his thoughts in how you tackle this so he feels he can be open enough with you in the future, if he doesn't want you to tell this kids Mum I really wouldn't.

When I spoke to my son's friends parents I felt so relieved that they would sort it out, they were appaulled with their child's behaviour.
The kid was nice for a couple of days then it all started again, my son was constantly accused of being a snitch as well on top of the hitting and tripping up, as well as various other nasty things, they were trying to stop him from telling me, I was very lucky my son would actually tell me everything.
Not all kids will.

These kids aren't your son's friends, friends don't do what they are doing.
Encourage him to find real ones.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/01/2022 21:40

I’d speak to the school rather than the mum.

I agree it IS bullying and you need to use the word when speaking to the school.

ditalini · 16/01/2022 21:52

And bullying by exclusion is exactly what's described in the op so rc22 is perfectly correct to name it as such.

It can be quite insidious right enough and often hands are washed with "well we can make them be friends, what do you expect us to do?".

PinkSyCo · 16/01/2022 21:52

If I were your friend and my son was bullying yours like this I would want you to come to me. I would be horrified but I would want the chance to sort my son out myself. If things don’t change after that absolutely you should go to the school. Your poor DS Sad I hope things improve for him soon.

Ducksurprise · 16/01/2022 22:04

@ditalini

And bullying by exclusion is exactly what's described in the op so rc22 is perfectly correct to name it as such.

It can be quite insidious right enough and often hands are washed with "well we can make them be friends, what do you expect us to do?".

So what do you expect them to do? Do you think a 12 year-old should be forced to be friends with someone.

(OP this is not directed at you, you are evidently doing all you can to encourage new friendships)

phishy · 16/01/2022 22:12

How did the chat go, OP?

ditalini · 16/01/2022 22:16

Of course not! That's not how you deal with exclusion - but it's not as simple as stopping being friends with someone which is normal and expected.

Its the scorched earth approach where ex friend is bad mouthed, cold shouldered (not a normal way to treat someone you're no longer good friends with).

At the extreme it involves making others feel that they might also be excluded if they speak to victim child, comments like "I smell something bad" and getting everyone to move away from child.

Sometimes it can end up with a whole class refusing to speak to the child just because one person fell out with them.

When it involves a whole class (friend experienced this recently with his class) then the solution needs to involve the whole class, initially without victim child - not hard in friend's case since the child was now refusing school.

If it hasn't got that bad then it still needs to involve the perpetrator/s reflecting on why they thought their behaviour was reasonable or proportionate and apology to victim. Not becoming friends again obviously, just treating victim like a human, you know with feelings and shit.

liliainterfrutices · 16/01/2022 22:20

I hope your chat went well, OP. I’ve been in your position and it is sheer misery. Sending empathy xxx

rc22 · 16/01/2022 22:27

@Ducksurprise I'd expect Oliver to be civil and polite even if he doesn't want to be close friends with OP's son anymore.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/01/2022 22:41

I think it is bullying in effect.

Perhaps trying to talk to Oliver’s mother might help? Oliver does not have to be best friends with your DS, but saying mean things about him to others etc is wrong.

If Oliver’s mother doesn’t try to help then you should perhaps tell the school.

GettingItOutThere · 16/01/2022 22:47

school and talk to his mum. I would also want to know as the bullys mother !

StepAwayFromGoogling · 16/01/2022 22:48

I was your DS when I started secondary school. My 'best' friend decided I wasn't good enough for her and set out to make me ostracised at school. She succeeded. Nobody, not even people who had previously been my friends, would even look at me, let alone talk to me. I had to walk round and round the school buildings at lunchtime to avoid my bullies (my 'friend' and her new gang) and because I had nobody to eat lunch with. As far as I know, my Mum didn't contact my friend's Mum or the school. I wish she had done - her Mum was lovely, thought the world of me, and would have put a stop to it in 5 seconds flat.
I really hope that your chat with the Mum went well, OP.
And to all of you who think you should just leave kids to sort this sort of shit out, you shouldn't. It has stayed with me for life.

chillidoritto · 16/01/2022 22:54

How did it go, OP?

LadyEloise1 · 17/01/2022 08:53

@StepAwayFromGoogling
That was so difficult for you. Sad. Did you ever reconcile with your friend or find out why she did it ?
I hope in time you made lots of new friends.
I remember my ds went to the Gaeltacht ( a rite of passage almost in Ireland for many teenagers - you do a month's residential course in certain parts of Ireland to learn Irish, you stay in a local home and have classes and there are organised recreational "fun" times and céilis ) with a school friend. They had a good time, no issues. When they returned to school a few weeks later, ds was excluded from his friend's birthday party. He was gutted. He had no idea why. He never did find out.

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 17/01/2022 10:33

Sorry I didn't come and update last night, I didn't get a chance. It went really well, we had a good chat. Oliver has been upset about a few things too, but his mum accepts he's taken it too far and has had a chat with him. I had another long chat with DS about it, we talked about strategies and the importance of his other friends. I really hope things will improve now, but DS knows we're on his side and if anything else happens he will tell me. He was really pleased that I talked to her.

OP posts:
LessTime · 17/01/2022 10:40

That sounds like a positive outcome. Hope it all goes well.

MsTSwift · 17/01/2022 12:36

Not wanting to be friends and leaving someone out of your friendship group isn’t great but people (kids too) are entitled to choose their friends.

Working to ensure the rejected one is excluded by everyone else as well and persistent unkindness towards them is another level entirely and is bullying. I wouldn’t do anything about the former scenario but if the latter continues longer than a week or so yes would think about going to school.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 17/01/2022 12:44

@LadyEloise1 - Never found out why she did it, no. She got in touch and apologised years later as an adult but it was a bit late by then and I've never forgiven her.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 17/01/2022 12:47

And I did make friends in time, yes. One girl in particular who took no shit and was able to put the bullies in their place. We were best friends all the way through secondary.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/01/2022 12:49

Only just seen this thread.

I'm so pleased to see that both Mum's have handled this very well. I hope things get better for your son now OP, it must have been so hard to see him crying himself to sleep Flowers

FireDancer1 · 17/01/2022 16:59

This made me happy to see your update. I hope that your son will be much happier at school now Smile x

WTF475878237NC · 17/01/2022 17:23

Great outcome OP.

Kate0902900908 · 17/01/2022 17:38

I would speak to mum, if Oliver was my son I would want to know ASAP so I could sort this out. With any luck she will also do the same and educate Oliver on bullying and this can be resolved quickly. I once got into trouble for being mean, I was made to apologise, I had to stay in and I missed out on a party. I never did it again and I was educated on how I had made the girl feel. I hope your son is ok, I’m sure it can be sorted out xx