To talk to son’s ‘friend’s’ mum?

[ScatteredMama82]

My DS is 12. Has been friends with this bit, let’s call him Oliver, since toddler group. I’m friends with his mum, not close friends but we do socialise occasionally. Dos and Oliver both moved to the same school last year. They were friendly to begin with but Oliver is now in the ‘in’ crowd and DS isn’t. Oliver seems to be making a low-level campaign against DS. If DS sits at the same lunch table Oliver gets up and moves and takes his mates with him, on occasion leaving DS sitting on his own. He’s telling people DS is weird, annoying, lazy, crap at sport etc and DS is finding other people he thought we’re friends are now pulling away from him too. Do I speak to Oliver’s mum, or do I speak to school? Or do nothing? Is this normal adjustment of friendship groups? I’m thinking it is verging on bullying but I worry I am overreacting. DS is crying in bed and I’m absolutely raging at Oliver, so I need some perspective please fellow MNers!

Speak to the school. I would have done this before now. In my experience, the sooner this stuff is nipped in the bud the better and it rarely improves if left. A good head of year in a decent school will want this kind of thing dealt with ASAP and have managed these situations more times than they can count.

So sorry your poor boy is going through this- such a hard age as it is and a tough time for all children the past couple of years. Hope he finds his own crowd soon. Boys it seems can be just as bitchy as girls (I went through similar with my daughter previously at the same age).

Don’t approach other mum.
Go to the school.
Try to teach your son to deal with this and toughen up and not show weakness.

We had similar year 7 when a new friend not only kicked Dd out of their group but bad mouthed her and spread mad rumours to prevent her making other friends/ turn every mine against her. She had to sit alone at lunch etc. we coached Dd to approach vile girl and tell her that it’s fine if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore but if she didn’t stop bad mouthing her she would be reported for exclusionary bullying.

Dd rebuilt from scratch and has now formed the most popular group and vile bully girl is desperate to join it! Success is the best revenge.

DS experienced very similar last year at the start of year 7. I contacted school immediately, and it was sorted, very good supportive form teacher luckily. DS now has his own friendship group away from the 2 horrible boys that tried to exclude him.

I've learnt my lesson from staying quiet and saying nothing, unfortunately thinks persist and don't just fade out. I've done similar at work with some bullying (towards me), all feeding everything back to my manager and compiling evidence from emails screenshots etc.

Good luck today OP.

I was your son in this situation as a child. Pushed out of my friendship group that transitioned from primary to secondary, strung along, taken advantage of, mocked and bullied. My mum did speak to the school once or twice, but never really achieved anything or did much to support me. Eventually, it made me stronger, but at the time is was devastating. Well done for sticking up for your child.

We have to teach them they are going to have to deal with horrible people throughout life it’s upsetting and shit but they need coping mechanisms and they need to be (or at least appear to be) strong and confident.

"At 12 your son needs to learn how to deal with this." Yes but he needs help to get out of it first. Somehow I don't see him approaching the Head or any of the school Governors

I hope it goes well, but imo it should always be done through school. And they need to know about it too

@MsTSwift

We have to teach them they are going to have to deal with horrible people throughout life it’s upsetting and shit but they need coping mechanisms and they need to be (or at least appear to be) strong and confident.

Easier said than done.

Thinking of you today OP. Please come back and tell us what Oliver's mother is going to do about the situation

That's bullying. Speak to the school.

Just to add from the other perspective..... My DS is a little younger in Year 4 but I was horrified to get called in to school this week about issues with a boy who I would think of as his best friend. He claims DS is boisterous and makes him feel excluded. I felt sick hearing DS' behaviour described as such. But also that the Mum (who I am on good speaking terms with) didn't say anything to me first or as well as the school.

This thread is making me think about why she didn't say anything - was she trying to get her son to stand up for himself or did she think I wouldn't take it seriously? I have had long chats with DS this weekend, with many tears, discussing how his behaviour might be making his friend feel and how he needs to be kind and more mindful of others feelings. Ironically this same friend gave DS his friend code to play Minecraft online together on Friday and I have said no to this until DS has proved he is being kind in the real world. But I don't believe DS is unkind just thoughtless probably and I can imagine him getting carried away in the moment. Or am I deluding myself and I am raising a bully?

@Neolara

I would talk to the school. It's not verging on bullying. It is bullying. Sorry your son is going through this.

This ^^.

It is bullying.

I have three kids, and middle one had this situation, always tricky when their parent is part of wider friendship circle.

I went through school. Always go through school. It happens at school, Oliver’s mum can’t police what happens at school, and in my experience, most parents get very defensive in this situation.

Let school handle it. Contact them by email (I would email form tutor and also head of pastoral affairs, who is usually someone a bit higher up the hierarchy); state how many times it has happened; explain how it makes son feel; say you look forward to their response of how they will implement their anti bullying policy to make sure this will no longer be happening, you are so grateful for their support in this matter… and if you don’t hear anything by end of the week, forward it again, moving up the SLT hierarchy - maybe to an assistant or deputy head this time.

I would leave it up to Oliver’s mum if she contacts you about it.

I have been you with Dc1 and DC2. In dc1ma case, when I turned up at primary next day, Oliver’s dad burst into tears and cried about how mortified he was.

In DC2’s case, her friend’s mum responded with a ‘I’m sorry your DC2 and you felt she had to complain to school about this’ apology. Our friendship has not recovered, and I am civil at group gatherings but make sure I am the other side of the room for most of the evening…

It’s great your son is telling you about this, and he is very lucky to have you fighting his corner with him.

Hope the chat goes ok

We had similar with DD and two twin friends and a third wheel in year 7. They all turned on DD made her life hell and she was totally socially ostracised by the whole year group it was awful.

Things were really bad and I didn’t want to I make them worse by going in all guns blazing. I spoke to school saying what was going on, asking them to keep an eye on things and asked individual class teachers to quietly rejig the seating plans subtly so DD wasn’t having to sit near them and have quiet insults and digs in every lesson she had with them. They noticed and suspected it came from DD and it wound them up. They were also very sneaky to do it just out of earshot of teachers and away from school cameras etc.

They carried on continually harassing DD on SM particularly snapchat which instantly disappeared and phoning her 30/40 times a day and insulting her. One night I heard them shouting they would rather be dead than be friends with her. We knew the parents who lived around the corner so I sent DH round to see the girls dad (as mum was never in). He apologised and he asked them to keep away from her which they kind of did.

DD went very quiet and things didn’t really improve for a goodly few months. She finally found her tribe eventually but all this had a massive impact on her. But with hindsight neither speaking to the school or speaking to the girls parents did any good it was really only time that worked.

In our case we maybe should have gone in more heavy handed with school initially and involved the police but DD wouldn’t hear of it and no way would she entertain the idea of moving schools.

Good luck OP.

Awful. Unkind children become unkind adults. This needs dealing with. Good luck with your chat, I'd nicely say to her that if the boys cant improve situation themselves you think it's best that school help the boys navigate their way through their issues.
(ie stop your kid bullying mine or I will be reporting him).
Good luck.

Hope you manage to figure out the source of the conflict.

I had this exact situation, 'Oliver' low level bullied eldest DS constantly for the entire primary school, teachers/school involved and it stopped and started for over 6 years then at secondary school tried it on with youngest DS.

I thought I had a good relationship with 'Oliver's' mum but clearly not - totally denial from her 'that her little Ollie' who was a complete little shit would do that

DSs ended up clubbing together and gave 'little Ollie' what for, not ideal but eldest DS was six foot by then and didn't want to watch his brother go through what he did.

I still ignore 'Oliver's' mum and her crew....phew, sorry for offloading but that felt better

Kids can be so cruel

I’ve been on both sides of this- one mum approached me very reticently and said”Did I know what Dd had been saying?”. I did not and DD was being a total bully. I had a word and the situation resolved.

Then DD2 who is slightly quieter was struggling in a relationship, she said something, her friend said something and then started bullying DD2. I said something to the mum and they were never close but the situation didn’t resolve. The funny part is that DD2 is very funny and sociable when she relaxes with people.

Sorry the bullying did stop.

Hope you get this sorted. Your poor son. X

Thank you @Snowdropsinourforest. I have just messaged the Mum following your advice. I was hurt she hadn't felt she could say anything to me about DS so I have put that to one side and messaged her so she knows I know, and that I don't condone any behaviour like this.

@MammaRoly

Just to add from the other perspective..... My DS is a little younger in Year 4 but I was horrified to get called in to school this week about issues with a boy who I would think of as his best friend. He claims DS is boisterous and makes him feel excluded. I felt sick hearing DS' behaviour described as such. But also that the Mum (who I am on good speaking terms with) didn't say anything to me first or as well as the school.

This thread is making me think about why she didn't say anything - was she trying to get her son to stand up for himself or did she think I wouldn't take it seriously? I have had long chats with DS this weekend, with many tears, discussing how his behaviour might be making his friend feel and how he needs to be kind and more mindful of others feelings. Ironically this same friend gave DS his friend code to play Minecraft online together on Friday and I have said no to this until DS has proved he is being kind in the real world. But I don't believe DS is unkind just thoughtless probably and I can imagine him getting carried away in the moment. Or am I deluding myself and I am raising a bully?

Secondary is a different kettle of fish. It sounds as if your ds has taken it on board. You could speak to the mum next time and ask her to say something to you if it happens again. But the bottom line is school normally deals with issues at school. As for MC, why don’t you get him to send his friend a message over it saying he is didn’t mean to upset him, he wants to be a good friend and can they play MC together today or something? A yr4 doesn’t need these big sanctions of no MC for the weekend.