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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to son’s ‘friend’s’ mum?

187 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 15/01/2022 00:11

My DS is 12. Has been friends with this bit, let’s call him Oliver, since toddler group. I’m friends with his mum, not close friends but we do socialise occasionally. Dos and Oliver both moved to the same school last year. They were friendly to begin with but Oliver is now in the ‘in’ crowd and DS isn’t. Oliver seems to be making a low-level campaign against DS. If DS sits at the same lunch table Oliver gets up and moves and takes his mates with him, on occasion leaving DS sitting on his own. He’s telling people DS is weird, annoying, lazy, crap at sport etc and DS is finding other people he thought we’re friends are now pulling away from him too. Do I speak to Oliver’s mum, or do I speak to school? Or do nothing? Is this normal adjustment of friendship groups? I’m thinking it is verging on bullying but I worry I am overreacting. DS is crying in bed and I’m absolutely raging at Oliver, so I need some perspective please fellow MNers!

OP posts:
impossible · 17/01/2022 19:49

Well done - sounds like a good result!

NoKnickerElastic · 17/01/2022 19:57

Funnily enough something very similar happened to my DD recently. I actually posted on here about changing schools as it was causing so much upset. In the event the school change wasn't possible so I kept on at the school (who were amazing) but the really important thing was I kept reinforcing the message to my DD that "this too will pass". And of course it did, and she has moved to a more supportive,more mixed friendship group. So definitely talk to school, encourage new friendships & ensure your DS knows it won't rain forever.

Bobbi73 · 17/01/2022 20:05

This exact situation has happened with my son and his friend. I talked to the school and let them deal with it. They spoke to the other boys parents and it has largely stopped now.
They've been friends since they were 4 and we're friends with the parents so it's a real shame but the school is best placed to deal with it as we didn't want to make things worse for him.
I really do understand. I wish I could just give him a hug and make everything ok like when he was little but it's different now. I hope it gets sorted soon xx

Oblomov22 · 17/01/2022 20:15

Really pleased thus was resolved.

maybloss2 · 17/01/2022 20:17

I’d hope the other mum is sympathetic. She’s agreed to meet so that’s good.
I think that though your son needs help with self esteem, he also deserves to know that there are other people sticking up for him. We all need to realise that we are allowed to stick up for other people who are being treated badly. Child or adult.
It sounds daft but make him say out loud ‘I deserve to be treated with respect ‘ in as many different ways as he can,ie loud,soft,slowly,fast, in different accents.do it with him to start with. It really can boost the way you feel about yourself.

Juniper68 · 17/01/2022 20:23

@ScatteredMama82

He’s had a great day. He went to Oliver this morning, they shook hands and Oliver apologised. He spent lunch and break with a different bunch of lads and seems so much happier. Fingers crossed it continues
That's great news Smile
HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 17/01/2022 20:25

@ScatteredMama82

Sorry I didn't come and update last night, I didn't get a chance. It went really well, we had a good chat. Oliver has been upset about a few things too, but his mum accepts he's taken it too far and has had a chat with him. I had another long chat with DS about it, we talked about strategies and the importance of his other friends. I really hope things will improve now, but DS knows we're on his side and if anything else happens he will tell me. He was really pleased that I talked to her.
Well done OP 🙌
AliMonkey · 17/01/2022 20:34

I have found this thread really enlightening in that the bully’s parents frequently get defensive - as DS had similar situation in Y8 with his best friend from primary and when I spoke to the mum she didn’t believe her son could have done it and said that I’d misunderstood or DS had exaggerated. Both boys are quiet and anxious usually so it was particularly sad for DS as he finds it really hard to make friends (love the posters who just say “go and make some other friends” - DS would never walk up to boys he wasn’t already friends with or speak to them unless they spoke to him first.) However it stopped very soon after (and they are once again good friends) so I rather suspect that she either spoke to her DS and found out it was true or she warned him “if I ever hear …”. Unfortunately it has damaged our friendship - not that we were close but we used to chat if we saw each other and occasionally chat by text about something school related. Now she only sends factual stuff like queries re early finishes.

Mo1911 · 17/01/2022 20:35

@ScatteredMama82

He’s had a great day. He went to Oliver this morning, they shook hands and Oliver apologised. He spent lunch and break with a different bunch of lads and seems so much happier. Fingers crossed it continues
That's great news!! Well done to both mums and both boys!
Insanelysilver · 17/01/2022 20:40

It is definitely bullying.
I’ve never got anywhere talking to a parent about their DC as in my experience they never believe their little angel capable of doing anything like that.
I’d approach the school. Something needs to be done and this nipped in the bud straight away.

Juniper68 · 17/01/2022 20:41

RTFT it's resolved

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 17/01/2022 20:46

My DS went through this to an extent - I think it's quite common. I would say though, that it's quite possible Oliver is going through the mill with emotions, trying to work out how he fits in etc. and not really 'wanting' to do this to your DS. I'm not condoning what he's doing at all but when I had a heart to heart with my DS's equivalent of Oliver, this is what came out.

Agree though that they may want different things now? What you have to be careful of, is whether this 'it' crowd is fairly loaded and blows up in Oliver's face sometime. If something like that happens and it results in Oliver being friendly to your DS again, then your DS needs confidence to tell him where to go. If Oliver wants your DS as a friend at any time, then he should be strong enough to protect that relationship in the face of whatever grief he may be getting from the 'crowd'.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 17/01/2022 20:48

@Juniper68

RTFT it's resolved
Sorry.
Livelovebehappy · 17/01/2022 20:52

I had this and approached the mum. She was very defensive and wouldn’t listen, just saying that her dd wanted to move on to other friendships. I then had to approach school who sorted it out in the end by talking to both of them together. I had considered the mum to be a good friend, but we haven’t spoken since. And this happened a few years ago. It is bullying, and I would fight your son’s corner..

Livelovebehappy · 17/01/2022 20:53

Oops. Just seen resolved. ..

clarehhh · 17/01/2022 20:58

Don’t speak to the Mum, mention to school and help him with ways to extend friendship group. He must be at least 11 and really you can’t interfere without making it worse.

MissAmbrosia · 17/01/2022 20:59

I'm shocked but pleasantly surprised at the outcome though.

Juniper68 · 17/01/2022 20:59

RTFT

Juniper68 · 17/01/2022 21:00

It's not rocket science. You just click see all and scroll down.

olympicsrock · 17/01/2022 21:04

Great news. Glad that you judged Oliver’s mum correctly. It’s a difficult one though. I think people were right to advise school first.

Forsure69 · 17/01/2022 21:05

If this was two adults, it would be called emotional abuse, furthermore we would do something about it! So, your child is being emotionally bullied! I would speak with parent and ring the school. This is unacceptable!

I had a similar situation before Christmas. Only my son was the friends with the wee guy that was being bullied but the person the person that was bullying. My son felt powerless in helping him and yet didn't make anyone aware! The child's mum spoke with me. We both spoke with school. I spoke with my child.

I think, children are taught about bullying but when they're in the scenario, they don't join the dotes. Alot of Education at home with my son to join the dotes about what bullying looks like and it's not a bit of banter, you can not tell someone how they feel especially if they're hurting! He took it upon himself to apologise to his friend and we figured a way, so he could speak safely to an adult. If it started to happen again. When he realised it was bullying, he felt awful for not doing something.

Tigger1895 · 17/01/2022 21:28

@Rubyyyy

I’d speak to the mum first especially if you are friendly with her, bet she won’t be pleased her kids acting that way and hopefully can have a talk with him. If that doesn’t work then go to the school and report him for being a horrible little bully.
Nope, the other way around. If she speaks to the mum and nothing is done then the mother knows the complaint was from her and she has a whole new world of problems. Never approach the parents first unless you have a very good relationship with them
Caelan2018 · 17/01/2022 21:31

I could have wrote this a few years ago even my son was 12 it started but to make matters worse it carried on after school not helped that the bully lived over fence next door he started jy alienating my DS at school then doing it outside school at our local sports ground his mother was a teacher at another school I went to the school first and he contacted her and it all blew up and the Principal of the school did nothing!! She told her son that to remember that our family were inferior to his and to always remember that what a way to bring up a child he is now 17 and nothing has changed so talk to her first then talk to teacher and see what happens I hope your son is OK

UCLSugar · 17/01/2022 21:42

I was like you and went to the Oliver's in question's mum, who I thought was a friend of mine and a really nice person, our DD's had been friends since reception, and she went totally bananas! It was really crazy how much she defended her DD's completely indefensible behaviour. She was desperately keen for her own DD to be popular, and even if that meant my DD suffered as a result.

Be realistic when chatting to the mum. I've learnt through bitter experience that kids will choose who they want to be friends despite what we as parents say. - this x 1000 also!

Please don't tell Oliver's mum your DS is crying, if Oliver's being a bully and he gets wind of it, your DS will never live it down.

Flea456 · 17/01/2022 21:47

Wow, I could have written this exact post last year. Ds is now 13 and has his own, close friendship group and is very happy. Has very little to do with his equivalent ‘Oliver’ even though they are still forced to be together in certain situations. I hinted to the mum about what was going on but she was in total denial, and truthfully my ds can be a right pain in the arse too, so not like he’s an angel!
Anyway, at my ds’ request, I left it. He said he’d get more respect if he dealt with it himself. It was hard for me to do nothing. It would break my heart to watch all the other boys huddled in a group and completely ignore him when he approached them. But honestly, it was the right thing to do in his particular situation.
I really hope that whatever you decide to do it works out and your ds is ok. I think this kind of thing happens quite often, your son is not alone. Time and maturity often solves the issues, but keep talking to your ds and watch closely to make sure it doesn’t escalate.