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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby or marriage first?

199 replies

Frenchtoastie · 13/01/2022 21:43

Not AIBU but looking for advice from women that have a variety of life experiences that could help me make the right decision.

I am 27 and engaged, we both have stable jobs a lovely house but no savings for a wedding. We are very broody but I’ve always wanted to be married before I have a baby.

If you were me would you; save up for the next 1/2 years and get married before having a baby (I would be 29/30)
Or have a baby and then get married when the baby is 2? I’ve always wanted to be a young Mum so 29/30 feels like a long time away

Thanks in advance for all your help

OP posts:
Duvetdweller · 13/01/2022 21:45

Have a really small wedding which doesn’t cost a fortune and then have a baby 🙂

Cattitudes · 13/01/2022 21:45

I would have a small wedding and then the baby.

CMOTDibbler · 13/01/2022 21:45

Book the registrar, get a couple of witnesses and get married. Costs £200 or so. Then save hard for maternity leave and childcare while you TTC

rainbowplease · 13/01/2022 21:46

Cheap wedding first!

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/01/2022 21:47

Marry first.

There are plenty of horror stories on MN of women who had the baby first and the father then decided he didn't want to get married after all. Usually after she'd given up her career to start their family.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/01/2022 21:48

Stop thinking about a wedding and start thinking about a stable marriage into which to bring a dependent child.

VerveClique · 13/01/2022 21:48

Cheap wedding
Save for maternity leave
Baby
Big random party some other time!

firstimemamma · 13/01/2022 21:51

We decided to have a baby first and got married when he was 2 and a half. It was absolutely perfect for us and ds made an adorable page boy. We are now expecting another baby Smilegood luck whatever you decide.

GreenClock · 13/01/2022 21:52

Yes, small cheap wedding and then a baby. A decent man will agree to that. Under no circumstances put your career on hold without being married.

BarkminsterBlue · 13/01/2022 21:52

You don't have to have a wedding to get married!

c24680 · 13/01/2022 21:52

Small wedding, save for maternity leave and baby.

Have a big party to celebrate after baby has arrived or even have another wedding, a lot of people are having two now because of covid where they couldn't have a big wedding but wanted to be married so had a super small one and a few years later they've planned a big one!

We secretly got married at registry office when pregnant, I've never wanted a big wedding so this was perfect for us. Think it cost £200, 5 years later we have no regrets!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/01/2022 21:52

In your shoes I'd do registry office with a friend each then a nice dinner.

Then ttc.

Original poster
Frenchtoastie · 13/01/2022 21:53

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

OP posts:
rainyskylight · 13/01/2022 21:53

small wedding, save for mat leave.

Strokethefurrywall · 13/01/2022 21:55

Marriage first, then baby.

Forrandomposts · 13/01/2022 21:55

It depends. Do either of you have savings/property? Who is the main earner? Is anyone going today any home with the child?

rainyskylight · 13/01/2022 21:55

Cross post.
Well I don't really know why you're asking if you're going to dismiss the only sensible solution.
You can have a lovely holiday abroad without a big wedding. The big wedding would cost more than the honeymoon.
do whatever you want to do, no one here can tell you.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/01/2022 21:55

Then you need to wait for the baby

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/01/2022 21:56

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

Well, we can't always have everything we want Grin

So which do you want more?

Merrz · 13/01/2022 21:57

Definitely married 1st, if you're in a huge hurry then go small and cheap but 29/30 is not old at all to be thinking about 1st baby so if you want a big wedding I'd still say save and do wedding 1st. Imo once you have a baby your priorities totally change, so glad me and DH had our wedding/honeymoon and those special times together before kids

cheezandbeanz · 13/01/2022 21:57

I'm 33 and had baby #1 a year ago. We got married 3 years ago.

I wouldn't have bothered with the wedding with hindsight and would just have got on with having babies!

NewBrownMouse · 13/01/2022 21:58

Wedding first then baby, if baby comes first it is likely that unless you are both in very we'll paid jobs with a large amount of disposable income that you won't have the money or time for a big wedding and lavish honeymoon after as your priorities change, and childcare is very expensive if you are returning to work.

Nogoodusername · 13/01/2022 21:58

Save for a couple of years, wedding, save for a couple of years to afford a baby

Kite22 · 13/01/2022 21:59

Wedding first, but cut your cloth to suit your budget.
Once you have a child you either lose one salary or are paying out a fortune in childcare so hoping to save for a big wedding after you have a baby is highly optimistic.

Plus, you then get into "Shall we get married 2 years later, or have dc2, as I don't want a big gap between dc" type conversations.
Plus a "honeymoon abroad" is quite a different prospect with a small baby / toddler in tow.

Merrz · 13/01/2022 21:59

Just read your next post, even more reason for wedding 1st if you want a big wedding. I really doubt you'll have the big wedding you dream of and the luxury honeymoon after you've had a baby

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