Baby or marriage first?

[Frenchtoastie]

Not AIBU but looking for advice from women that have a variety of life experiences that could help me make the right decision.

I am 27 and engaged, we both have stable jobs a lovely house but no savings for a wedding. We are very broody but I’ve always wanted to be married before I have a baby.

If you were me would you; save up for the next 1/2 years and get married before having a baby (I would be 29/30)
Or have a baby and then get married when the baby is 2? I’ve always wanted to be a young Mum so 29/30 feels like a long time away

Thanks in advance for all your help

Small wedding and then a baby. There’s a very big risk the timing and priorities will never be right after you have a baby.

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

We were going to have a big wedding with 200 guests, which was going to cost us £50k (we went ridiculously over budget…). Then the pandemic hit and we were forced to cancel as it was scheduled for first lockdown. And then I got pregnant and we had a tiny covid wedding instead.

I was always the one who dreamt of and wanted that big wedding. But I would so much rather the baby. And the baby we have right now, with his personality and character. So whilst I am sad I never got the wedding I wanted, I have no regrets and wouldn’t change the way we did things.

And because we went from a big to tiny wedding, and a huge budget to play with, we went all out for our small wedding (nice venue, fresh flowers all over the room and so on), so the wedding day we had was still amazing.

If you want the big party and lovely honeymoon, then do it before children. I'm getting married in June (delayed since 2020 due to covid) and will have a 2 year old and a 3 month old. Big honeymoon is out of the question. It will be a cottage in Wales. I'm happy with my decision to have children first because I'm mid 30s and didn't want to risk waiting (thank god I didn't given that my wedding was delayed by 2 years!). At your age though, I'd want the wedding first.

Definitely get married first and by all means do that the way you want so you have no regrets.

If having a big wedding is important to you, I’d do that first as your priorities are likely to change when you have a child. While of course the marriage is the most important part of any wedding, that doesn’t mean that wedding has to be ‘just a day’ either. You can have a successful, happy, meaningful marriage after getting married in an side room in a register office in your jeans with two witnesses from the street, or equally after having week long extravaganza with 600+ guests and ten dresses. If a big wedding is important to you that’s ok, but you might have you push your plans for a baby back a few years. 29/30 is around the average age for a first time mother, so not old.

It can work the other way around of course, but if you can get married first do that. You will be more settled and stable in your relationship by then as well, and it would be hard to give wedding planning, hen/stag, wedding and honeymoon the same attention as a mum to a toddler than before kids. Your financial priorities change a lot after having kids so that big weddings often don't seem so important or become actually unaffordable due to the cost of childcare/ income reduction and having a new baby.

We had 3 children before we got married, because he didn't ask me until 7 years down the line. You can get married at anytime in your life, but you've no idea how long it might take to conceive, so if you both really want children I would go for it.

A wedding is one day. People have a romantic idea of marriage but actually it’s just a contract. You’ll need it if you have a baby, take a step back in your career and the worst happens. Everyone thinks that won’t happen to them but no one gets married thinking it will. Read a few horror stories then decide whether you want a baby without any protection.

@BarkminsterBlue

You don't have to have a wedding to get married!

Not a wedding necessarily but a marriage simply because of the financial security it gives a woman. Purely a pragmatic decision.

Just save and get married and the have a baby. Are you planning on taking your dc on honeymoon? Seems a bit pointless to be honest. A honeymoon with a baby is not a honeymoon to be honest.

If you want a big wedding with a nice honeymoon then definitely get married before the baby. It will be very hard to save and plan a big fancy wedding with a small child in tow! Not to mention honeymoon childcare.

@Frenchtoastie I saved over 5k for mat leave. And I had a good mat leave policy. I actually received two lots of SMP because I had two jobs so I had double what most people have but I still needed savings. Have you looked at your workplace mat leave policy?

Many people on here say it's unacceptable to have a child before marriage. It was a few decades ago - those poor women were forced to have their child adopted or go into work houses. They had sex before marriage which was completely shameful.

It's 2022 now. We're intelligent and we have freedom of choice.

Have a look into the legal and financial aspects and do what makes sense and makes you happy. Keep your job and own savings if you're not married. You'll know what's right for you.

Not everyone wants an unromantic contract signing session in a registry office just to get the magic piece of paper. Save up for a full on dress and party if that's what makes your heart sing

Sorry, I’m laughing at not spending on anything but bills on maternity.

If you are in a position where you speak about a big fancy wedding and a honey moon then it means your finances are big enough and you will likely want the nice thing for your baby so you will spend money on

-lovely babygrows
-hats, bibs, muslins, dummies, plastic drinking cups, cutlery.
-toys
-takeaway when you are too overwhelmed to cook
-baby nursery decorations
-mum and baby groups
-pram, car seat, bed, mattress, bedding, sling, baby carrier
-cake with a friend
-some maternity clothes for yourself

Even if you opted for the bare minimum and got lots of things second hand, there will always be things you will want to buy for your baby.

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

Well then you know your priorities. I have different priorities but if those are yours then you've answered your own question. Short of finding a money tree, you'll have to compromise or make a choice.

I think some people are being a little harsh on OP! There's nothing wrong with wanting a fancy wedding and honeymoon!

OP it sounds like you and your DP are earning well, just don't have much spare cash at the moment?
I would suggest:

1. Definitely get married before babies - read the countless threads on here if you're not sure why.
2. look into how much babies actually cost!
3. travelling with babies is not fun, so your fancy honeymoon would be a non-starter with a baby. I imagine the same could be said of a wedding.
4. maybe plan a biggish but not extremely lavish wedding for a year or so and then babies afterwards?

you're young enough that there's no massive rush, and also your income/savings are likely to be increasing quite rapidly over the next few years. Live frugally, save lots, be moderate with your plans and you can probably have almost everything you want with a little patience!

I'd save for 18 months,-2 years, have the wedding of my dreams in summer 2023 and then start trying for a baby.

I had the big white wedding and lovely honeymoon and don't regret it, was so much fun, especially hen dos etc.

Marry first then baby 29/30 is no age, you'll be fine trying for a baby then.

@Frenchtoastie

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?

Obviously it depends on your maternity package, but mostly people are down to statutory maternity pay for the last few months (£600/ month), depending on how long you take. Will that cover all the bills?

There are other new costs as well. At the very least you’ll need to buy nappies, and formula if you don’t breastfeed. If you do breastfeed, you may need to eat more than normal so food bills will go up. Depending on the time of year, your heating bills could increase if you’re at home for most of the day. You will need to buy new clothes for the baby as they grow. Plus all the other baby equipment that people have mentioned, and the cost of any classes you go to (including transport costs).

You’ll also want money for you - new clothes as your body shape is likely to change, getting your hair cut, cash for a coffee and cake if you’re out meeting friends or trying to make new mum friends. Maternity leave can be hard and lonely, and having money worries on top of that isn’t ideal.

Then there’s the cost of childcare if you go back to work, or the loss of income if you don’t.

I agree with everyone saying marriage then baby, as you’ll have more time/ money before having children than after. And of you want the dream wedding and honeymoon, it won’t be the same if you’re child-wrangling throughout!

@1stTimeMama

We had 3 children before we got married, because he didn't ask me until 7 years down the line. You can get married at anytime in your life, but you've no idea how long it might take to conceive, so if you both really want children I would go for it.

Because he didn't ask you? Where were your wishes in this?

Surely women aren't that passive anymore about their lives these days...

Please get married first - it's not just a bit of paper. A few year ago, I had a friend in tears because her partner of many years who owed her a lot of money died suddenly. He had never revised his will after decades together and she inherited nothing. She won't have the paid off house or the investments she might otherwise have had and she will struggle to get any of the debts repaid. Early retirement is out of the question. I feel desperately sad for her. She said that she should never have believed people who said living together was as good as marriage. It isn't and don't believe anybody who tells you differently if you are going to be the one taking maternity leave, leaving early to pick up the children or going part-time or being a SAHM. And most of all don't believe anybody who tells you that children are more commitment than a piece of paper - many men find it quite possible to ignore their responsibility for children they may have fathered.

As for the wedding, I did have an expensive church wedding with the beautiful gown and so on and loved the day. But it was one day or really half a day as we had an afternoon wedding and I spent the morning going to the hairdresser, picking up the bouquets, making last minute arrangements with the hotel for the reception etc. We did have a house at that stage and I would always have prioritised that over the wedding if it came down to it. Bringing your child home to your own house or place is a very good feeling - that you have security, that you're not at the mercy of the landlord and you can do what you want to it. That lasts much longer than the glow of the wedding (where it poured with rain in the driest part of the year).

Married first ! Then joint accounts then plan on babies but you both factor in what having children will do to your careers. Can you both do four days a week, both have full maternity paternity leave? If you both lean in to childcare you can both have decent careers. Double income and double pension! Start thinking of your family unit as a joint business - makes life much easier.

You can have an epic wedding organised in six months. After the wedding day is done then it’s just a set of nice photos. It’s not worth wasting 25k on. plush small wedding with fab honeymoon asap.

Top tip - Get a house walking distance near a good school. Easier if you start planning it now.

Have a registry office wedding, then baby, and then a party laree

Later

People on mumsnet are horrified about having a baby without being married. But as long as you keep your job, split childcare costs etc etc, you can do it in whatever order you want.

Basically don’t stall your career/pension/savings whilst your partner carries on earning/saving uninterrupted. Don’t set yourself up for being financially dependent on somebody else.

If you have a baby first, you’ll be less likely to save for a large wedding. Firstly because you’ll have less money being a family of 3, and you’ll see you have better/more important things to spend on that will benefit your child rather than an overpriced party. If you want an overpriced party, do it before a baby.

@Derbee

People on mumsnet are horrified about having a baby without being married. But as long as you keep your job, split childcare costs etc etc, you can do it in whatever order you want.

Basically don’t stall your career/pension/savings whilst your partner carries on earning/saving uninterrupted. Don’t set yourself up for being financially dependent on somebody else.

If you have a baby first, you’ll be less likely to save for a large wedding. Firstly because you’ll have less money being a family of 3, and you’ll see you have better/more important things to spend on that will benefit your child rather than an overpriced party. If you want an overpriced party, do it before a baby.

Have you read how women unmarried are stuffed legally?