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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby or marriage first?

199 replies

Frenchtoastie · 13/01/2022 21:43

Not AIBU but looking for advice from women that have a variety of life experiences that could help me make the right decision.

I am 27 and engaged, we both have stable jobs a lovely house but no savings for a wedding. We are very broody but I’ve always wanted to be married before I have a baby.

If you were me would you; save up for the next 1/2 years and get married before having a baby (I would be 29/30)
Or have a baby and then get married when the baby is 2? I’ve always wanted to be a young Mum so 29/30 feels like a long time away

Thanks in advance for all your help

OP posts:
Cocogreen · 13/01/2022 22:00

Well you can't have both an expensive wedding and a baby over the next year or two unless you go into debt so you have to choose one ! Entirely up to you.

RaginaPhalange · 13/01/2022 22:00

Dh and I were about to book our wedding until we found out I was pregnant with our first, we then decided it wasn't the right time. So we had a baby and bought our first house. About to book it again then covid hit so we put it off again then found out I was pregnant again. We got married a few months ago and put it together in about 8 weeks. We had an amazing day and tbh I wouldn't change it. Ds1 is 5 and ds2 is almost 1.

Original poster
Frenchtoastie · 13/01/2022 22:01

Yes we own our house and have some savings but they have been slightly drained from doing our house up. My fiancé earns more than me but both on good wages

OP posts:
Original poster
Frenchtoastie · 13/01/2022 22:02

Thankyou all for your replies, yes I do know I need to be realistic.
It’s lovely to hear that people have done it either way around and it’s worked perfectly for them

OP posts:
duvetdayforeveryone · 13/01/2022 22:02

@CMOTDibbler

Book the registrar, get a couple of witnesses and get married. Costs £200 or so. Then save hard for maternity leave and childcare while you TTC
This.
Legoisthebest · 13/01/2022 22:02

Register Office ceremony then babies. Say that you will do a big vow renewal/reception/honeymoon at some point in the future.... however I expect on your 50th wedding anniversary surrounded by your children and grandchildren you will say "we never did get round to that fancy wedding did we" because you will realise it really wasn't important.

AllKindsOfWrong · 13/01/2022 22:03

Marriage first, then baby.

Hankunamatata · 13/01/2022 22:03

Lots if couple find big wedding isn't important once baby arrives - theres bigger priorities one baby is here.

MrsBungle · 13/01/2022 22:03

Marriage first. If you want a bigger wedding then save but still marriage first.

PrincessNutella · 13/01/2022 22:04

Get married first. Why is this even a question.

Kendodd · 13/01/2022 22:05

Married first.
If you can't afford a big wedding have a small one.
At the end of the day, it's your marriage that's important, not the wedding.

2girls76 · 13/01/2022 22:08

People have to do whatever suits them best, so no right or wrong way round. However I married DH first and had DD1 18 months later. So glad we did it that way round as once baby comes there's very little money or time left to plan anything.We got to have our day and a fab honeymoon that we have precious memories of.I don't think we'd ever got round to tying the knot if we'd had kids first.And our honeymoon certainly wouldn't have been the stress free one it was.

StruggleStreet · 13/01/2022 22:08

We were in your position and chose to have the big wedding and honeymoon then have children a couple of years later. No regrets at all, it meant we had a few extra years to just enjoy the freedom that comes with not having children yet, we had a lot of fun and I think it helped to solidify our relationship ready for becoming parents.

Notwithittoday · 13/01/2022 22:09

Always the wedding first

GougeAway · 13/01/2022 22:10

If your fiancé earns more and you are planning on going part time or SAH when the baby arrives it would be in your interest to marry first. Personally although I’m not religious there is no chance I would have had a baby first. I wanted the legal protection of marriage.

thebigpurpleone · 13/01/2022 22:11

@GougeAway

If your fiancé earns more and you are planning on going part time or SAH when the baby arrives it would be in your interest to marry first. Personally although I’m not religious there is no chance I would have had a baby first. I wanted the legal protection of marriage.
This 100%
ItsDinah · 13/01/2022 22:12

Married first. Very difficult to save for an expensive wedding when you're on maternity leave or paying for childcare. You can have a cheap "big" wedding if you think in terms of a family friendly village hall type venue with DIY or bring-your-own picnic catering.

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/01/2022 22:13

Marriage first or the big wedding you want definitely won’t happen, you will have far bigger priorities.

C152 · 13/01/2022 22:13

Skip the marriage totally - no need for it in this day and age.

CatsArePeople · 13/01/2022 22:13

marriae first. And don't spend ridiculous sums on it.

elbea · 13/01/2022 22:14

Babies are surprisingly expensive, if you want a big wedding I’d go for that first

JamMakingWannaBe · 13/01/2022 22:15

I had baby first and am still not married but I am the higher earner.

VestaTilley · 13/01/2022 22:17

Get married but have a small, cheap wedding. Nobody expects a big wedding after Covid.

You’re still young, get married then have a baby in a couple of years.

DroopyClematis · 13/01/2022 22:19

I feel sure that organising a wedding with a baby would be very difficult indeed.

czycoup · 13/01/2022 22:23

I got married first cos I knew we'd never get round to it if we had a baby from time and money point of view.

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