Page 5 | Baby or marriage first?

WeAllHaveWings · 14/01/2022 07:59

Small romantic wedding. The marriage part is much more important than the party.

Start saving for baby. Do you know how much childcare costs each month? We needed quite a bit of savings to supplement maternity leave and first couple of years of childcare so the first couple of years of being parents we were not miserably skint.

wtaf37 · 14/01/2022 08:03

@Frenchtoastie

Not AIBU but looking for advice from women that have a variety of life experiences that could help me make the right decision.

I am 27 and engaged, we both have stable jobs a lovely house but no savings for a wedding. We are very broody but I’ve always wanted to be married before I have a baby.

If you were me would you; save up for the next 1/2 years and get married before having a baby (I would be 29/30)
Or have a baby and then get married when the baby is 2? I’ve always wanted to be a young Mum so 29/30 feels like a long time away

Thanks in advance for all your help

How sad that you are even asking that question. Yes, I am probably older than many posters on MN, so am from an upbringing and time when getting pregnant before marriage was not the done thing. Not just from a moral view, but the practicalities, as some posters have pointed out. I am sad that you are considering it as an active choice; perhaps think about how it reflects on you

Fallible · 14/01/2022 08:05

We decided to go baby first. It took me 3 years to get pregnant and I'm very glad I didn't delay until I was older. Got pregnant quite quickly the second time fortunately and now our family is complete.

However... As time has gone on our priorities have changed - a big wedding is definitely not on the cards now and we are unlikely to have a proper honeymoon. We just can't justify the expense now we have the kids, and it's too long to leave them to go away for a honeymoon.

We will be having a small ceremony next year and then a weekend at a nice hotel. We are fine with this arrangement but it might not be for you.

Porcupineintherough · 14/01/2022 08:08

Marriage first. If a big wedding is important to you then you need to do that before you have kids as they change your finances completely (and generally your priorities too).

Moon12345 · 14/01/2022 08:08

Whatever makes you happy We are engaged but have had a baby before getting married - we also want the wedding day/honeymoon we dream of or to be honest I’m not overly fussed about getting married at all. Having our boy has been the greatest joy of our lives - a lovely wedding is something we’ll look forward to planning in a few years time, maybe! I find all the advice about have a small wedding, save loads of money and then you can think about a baby quite old school/depressing really, but that’s just me!

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 14/01/2022 08:09

I had children first, thought we would get married but have no desire to now. We own the house jointly and I never gave up my career and I earn more than him. If I was going to be a SAHM etc. I would suggest marriage first but cheaply and quickly, don't overspend on a wedding.

Moon12345 · 14/01/2022 08:10

Jesus Christ what year is it?!?!?!

MrsBaublesDylan · 14/01/2022 08:11

I had the 'big' wedding, at the insistence of my parents.

It was alright but I found it stressful. I remember thinking a week before the day, whether I would be willing to marry dh in just the clothes I had in that day, with no party and no guests. And I was,

That told me it was the marriage I wanted rather than the wedding party.

We've had 13 happy years together and he is as wonderful as he was the day we met (I am too obvs ).

Moon12345 · 14/01/2022 08:12

That was in relation to wtaf37’s totally ridiculous comment

pollyparrot45 · 14/01/2022 08:18

I'm unmarried and have a 2 year old a pregnant with the second.

Exactly the same situation as you. With hindsight I'd have ensured I was married first. I'm financially worse off now. I lost money & pension on maternity leave as I took 15 months & despite going back full time I hated being away from my child & reduced my hours. My career progression is held back because I'm juggling a mum too. I'm not complaining, I'm very happy but....

If he walks out on me I have no protection and I'd be the one with less. I hope it wouldn't but raising babies is HARD and anything's possible.

Get down the registry office before you're pregnant.

mowglika · 14/01/2022 08:21

@C152

Skip the marriage totally - no need for it in this day and age.

This is really ignorant and bad advice.

I would have a small but nice wedding first then have kids. It’s true once kids come along it’s hard to invest that time in planning a big wedding and honeymoon is not the same even if you don’t take your kids with you.

MrsPotatoHead22 · 14/01/2022 08:26

We had both of our children before we got married. Then managed to save a good 15k for our wedding once youngest was 2. It can be done either way..

MrsPotatoHead22 · 14/01/2022 08:29

P.S having our children a part of our wedding day was just beautiful. They made beautiful flower girls. I'm so glad I didn't wait to have them.
We got engaged 4.5yrs after being together and then 4 years after that got married.

confuseddotcom1234 · 14/01/2022 08:30

We had a baby first then got married when he was 1 but we were older and in a position to afford the wedding we wanted whilst I was on maternity leave. If you want a big wedding and a fab honeymoon then do that first. Whilst we had an amazing wedding our honeymoon was just a couple of days in this country as didn't want to leave our son for too long.

teatime9999 · 14/01/2022 08:39

We went to town hall and just got it done on a weekday with 2 friends as witnesses. Mind you, this was pre-pandemic, and we made some older family members quite angry. They got over it though, and now it seems to be a more common thing to do since covid. I think the obligation to host a big event has faded a little, thank goodness.

AngelinaFibres · 14/01/2022 08:42

Don't have a child without being married. The marriage certificate is the most important piece of paper you will ever have. If you have a child first you will most likely never get married .....and that creates a whole lot of potential mess .

Carinattheliqorstore1 · 14/01/2022 08:44

Marry first. Small wedding if need be

334bu · 14/01/2022 08:47

08:18pollyparrot45

I'm unmarried and have a 2 year old a pregnant with the second.

Exactly the same situation as you. With hindsight I'd have ensured I was married first. I'm financially worse off now. I lost money & pension on maternity leave as I took 15 months & despite going back full time I hated being away from my child & reduced my hours. My career progression is held back because I'm juggling a mum too. I'm not complaining, I'm very happy but....

If he walks out on me I have no protection and I'd be the one with less. I hope it wouldn't but raising babies is HARD and anything's possible.

Get down the registry office before you're pregnant.

This 👆

Darbs76 · 14/01/2022 08:48

If a big wedding is important to you then either put the baby plans on hold for a few years and focus on the wedding, or have the baby and save up for the wedding. Problem is the second way round is that babies / kids are expensive and so often marriage plans go on hold. So it being married is important to you makes sense to wait for a baby

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 14/01/2022 08:52

Marriage first, then baby. Look at your maternity package from your employer to see how much you will get. I had a year off work but I had a very generous maternity package and savings that we used to pay my shortfall contribution to the pot plus all the baby stuff from prams to nappies and toys.

The most important thing to look at is the cost of childcare in your area if you are going to return to work. It is eye watering. The "average" is for full time 50 hour week in a nursery is quoted as being £13,700. So that wedding is a drop in the ocean compared to the ongoing commitment of childcare.

Source for childcare www.daynurseries.co.uk/advice/childcare-costs-how-much-do-you-pay-in-the-uk

Definitely small wedding, we did a teeny one 20 odd years ago and spent more on our honeymoon than the wedding. It is just one day. Best thing we ever did.

Ginger1982 · 14/01/2022 08:56

Marry first. So many women have posted on here saying their DP was all in favour of marriage 'one day' and then once kids came along their enthusiasm waned and the woman is left with little protection. At least do the legal bit.

As for the cost of maternity leave, it's not just bills. You have to buy loads of things for a baby!

AngelinaFibres · 14/01/2022 08:56

@pollyparrot45

I'm unmarried and have a 2 year old a pregnant with the second.

Exactly the same situation as you. With hindsight I'd have ensured I was married first. I'm financially worse off now. I lost money & pension on maternity leave as I took 15 months & despite going back full time I hated being away from my child & reduced my hours. My career progression is held back because I'm juggling a mum too. I'm not complaining, I'm very happy but....

If he walks out on me I have no protection and I'd be the one with less. I hope it wouldn't but raising babies is HARD and anything's possible.

Get down the registry office before you're pregnant.

Read this a hundred times Op. Print it out and stick it on your fridge. Everytime you waver, read it again. If you are a woman with independent means, a good property in your own name and a VERY well paid job then you can contemplate having a child without being married. If you are an average 27 year old, who hasn't got these things, then having a child without being married FIRST would be absolute madness. I was married and had 2 children. My divorce was very painful and I have no doubt that, had we not been married, the father of my children would have simply disappeared and left me to deal with it all. We were married and so the children and I were protected by the force of the law. If you are unmarried you have no protection whatsoever. Having a baby can set a bomb off in many relationships. If you remain unmarried then statistically your relationship is far more likely to end .

SC215 · 14/01/2022 08:56

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?

Depends how long you want to have for maternity leave, and if you will need to pay for childcare or have family who can help.

For me, I want to take a longer maternity leave and go back to work part-time for a while, so have prioritised that over a big wedding. But I wasn't bothered about a big wedding in the first place.

Working out of costs:

Initial baby costs:
Pram: £1000
Nappies and wipes: £15 a month, £180 for first year
Baby clothes: £200
Muslins: £30
Car seat: £200
Moses basket with mattress: £50
Sheets, blankets, sleeping bag: £50
Baby bath: £20
Baby bath thermometer: £15
Room thermometer and night light: £25
Changing matt: £10
Baby monitor: £30 - £280(!)
Bottles and brushes: £20
Formula (will plan on breastfeeding but who knows): £50 × 6 months = £300
Nursing bras: £50
Reusable breast pads: £20
Books and toys: £100
Already have a baby carrier and bouncer.
= £2000 - 2550

Maternity leave classes:
Baby sensory classes: £7 per class × 52 = £364
Baby massage classes: £8 per class × 52 = £416
Buggy fitness: £6 per class × 52 = £316
£1092

Income hit of taking the full years maternity leave (13 unpaid weeks):

£5,582.72, but 'only' a loss of £2202.70 after childcare costs of £65 a day × 4.

Taking an extra 6 months unpaid leave:

£11,165.44, but only a loss of £4,405.44 after childcare costs of £65 a day × 4.

Grand Total: £10,249

SC215 · 14/01/2022 08:59

...or £8689 after child benefit payments for the first year and a half.

Derbee · 14/01/2022 09:02

@Frenchtoastie

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?

You will be spending a year doing paid activities with your baby. Our baby isn’t born yet, but we’ve signed up for Baby Sensory, Swimming, yoga etc for a couple of hundred / month. We’ve also spend a couple of thousand on cots, furniture, car seats etc etc .

You’ll need more than you think