Baby or marriage first?

[Frenchtoastie]

Not AIBU but looking for advice from women that have a variety of life experiences that could help me make the right decision.

I am 27 and engaged, we both have stable jobs a lovely house but no savings for a wedding. We are very broody but I’ve always wanted to be married before I have a baby.

If you were me would you; save up for the next 1/2 years and get married before having a baby (I would be 29/30)
Or have a baby and then get married when the baby is 2? I’ve always wanted to be a young Mum so 29/30 feels like a long time away

Thanks in advance for all your help

The wedding is just a piece of paper. If you are both in the same page about when to have a baby (I.e now!) then crack on if you know your relationship and jobs are stable. Your relationship doesn't drastically change just because you are married.

We finally got married when the (now not so) little ones were 9 and 5 and it was so lovely having them as a part of it. We even added extra vows to say to them promising to always love and care for them and each other.

@Duvetdweller

Have a really small wedding which doesn’t cost a fortune and then have a baby 🙂

This. Don’t confuse marriage and a wedding, they’re not the same thing. And remember babies cost a fortune, you’ll never be able to save up for a wedding once you’ve got one.

@SC215

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?

Depends how long you want to have for maternity leave, and if you will need to pay for childcare or have family who can help.

For me, I want to take a longer maternity leave and go back to work part-time for a while, so have prioritised that over a big wedding. But I wasn't bothered about a big wedding in the first place.

Working out of costs:

Initial baby costs:
Pram: £1000
Nappies and wipes: £15 a month, £180 for first year
Baby clothes: £200
Muslins: £30
Car seat: £200
Moses basket with mattress: £50
Sheets, blankets, sleeping bag: £50
Baby bath: £20
Baby bath thermometer: £15
Room thermometer and night light: £25
Changing matt: £10
Baby monitor: £30 - £280(!)
Bottles and brushes: £20
Formula (will plan on breastfeeding but who knows): £50 × 6 months = £300
Nursing bras: £50
Reusable breast pads: £20
Books and toys: £100
Already have a baby carrier and bouncer.
= £2000 - 2550

Maternity leave classes:
Baby sensory classes: £7 per class × 52 = £364
Baby massage classes: £8 per class × 52 = £416
Buggy fitness: £6 per class × 52 = £316
£1092

Income hit of taking the full years maternity leave (13 unpaid weeks):

• £5,582.72, but 'only' a loss of £2202.70 after childcare costs of £65 a day × 4.

Taking an extra 6 months unpaid leave:

• £11,165.44, but only a loss of £4,405.44 after childcare costs of £65 a day × 4.

Grand Total: £10,249

Yeah, but you can do it for so much less! Buy second hand/less expensive brands and use free local classes and your total spend would be a fraction of that.

The wedding is just a piece of paper.

The wedding is a party. The marriage is a legally binding contract which gives both parties legal protections and rights that are beneficial especially when starting a family.

Why you need to save for mat leave and having a baby? Because of not being paid (well, ,see other posts for how much you get in maternity leave pay) but also that childcare is expensive. Really expensive. 15 years ago I was paying £900 a month in nursery fees, plus the odd evenings babysitting at £10 an hour ish if you want to go out together. And then maybe you or your Dh/DP will want to go part time.
So weigh up one days big wedding and an expensive holiday against the 4 years of childcare you need to be working, then holiday club, wrap around care etc for the 7 years after that

Very foolish to have children before marriage............there are pages and pages of threads on here attesting to that!!!
You need to decide what is more important to you.............a big flashy wedding and honeymoon or starting a family now.
How much are you planning to spend on a wedding? Nothing wrong with a small wedding!

I cant believe people are still saying that marriage is just a bit of paper

@SpookyScarySkeletons

The wedding is just a piece of paper. If you are both in the same page about when to have a baby (I.e now!) then crack on if you know your relationship and jobs are stable. Your relationship doesn't drastically change just because you are married.

We finally got married when the (now not so) little ones were 9 and 5 and it was so lovely having them as a part of it. We even added extra vows to say to them promising to always love and care for them and each other.

It's not just a piece of paper though is it? It's a very important piece of paper which could give her extra financial support widows benefit and widowed parents allowance if she is unfortunately widowed early. Plus a whole host of other legal benefits, so no it's not just a piece of paper.

Marriage first in my opinion. Everyone's more protected that way.
Weddings don't have to cost a lot. There's no way I'd be ploughing two years of savings into one day!

I’d have a small wedding, nice honeymoon and then a baby! We got married after having kids though and it was lovely having them there, but we did a more low key wedding on a budget (which I still loved) and no honeymoon because the kids were too little to leave. Planning on a belated cruise in ten years or something to celebrate!!

Marriage first always

If not see you in 5 years posting how now you have a kid(s) partner won't marry you

@bonetiredwithtwins

Marriage first always

If not see you in 5 years posting how now you have a kid(s) partner won't marry you

Yep and she thinks he's having an affair but she went part time as the cost of childcare was so high and now she can't afford to leave.

Given your age (if you were 35 I would say don't wait to have a baby, in case there are issues) i would get married first. I wanted to do that as I didn't want my own child at my wedding and also wanted a nice honeymoon.
If you can save for your wedding within 2 years (and be in a position to have money too, to then have a baby) then I don't see why you can't have a big wedding. If you can afford it, do it. Ours wasn't 'big' and we kept it manageable. But we did spend on the honeymoon. The only thing I would say is- a wedding isn't a party. And if you treat it as such, its a very expensive affair. Have a big 30th birthday or something instead. Only people that really matter should be at a wedding so unless you really do have lots of important close friends and family, then you'll likely regret spending so much later on. Its one day. And it's meant to be about you. Mine was amazing and I loved it. We had about 48 day guests and 70 (in total) at night.

You can have a big wedding on the cheap. One of the best weddings I ever went to included a reception where the guests brought the food, the couple laid on some booze, the groom and some mates did the music, and it was held in a church hall. I should think the whole thing, including their clothes and rings, came in at under a grand.

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

You sound like your a bit in love with the events - but what you need to be considering is creating a stable environment for a family. It's not about a baby, its preparing for a life as a family.

Babies are tiny for a short period, a wedding lasts a day. Think longer term. you need to decide which is your priority as you don't appear to be able to have it all.

Small wedding, baby and then a blessing and big party in a few years?

We had baby first (unplanned) and then the big wedding when she was 18 months.

I wouldnt change it but it was very different. Our honeymoon wasn't what it would have been if we hadnt had the baby (as she had to come with us) and I was reluctant to spend as much money on the wedding because I was also paying out for childcare. We spent £12k in the end which really doesn't go very far for a wedding.

You need to decide what's more important to you. If the big wedding and lavish honeymoon is something you don't want to budge on, you will need to wait for the baby.

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

Now add a two year old to that. Or two two year olds. It won't be quite the same honeymoon abroad with a couple of toddlers running around and it won't be the same wedding day when you've got kids to look after. If the wedding is important, do it first

You sound more bothered about the party than actually being married, so why does it matter if you're married after the baby?

@Frenchtoastie

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?

Err yeah bills and the new human you have just made. You sound very naive. You realise you won’t be getting full pay on maternity right? If you go back to work you will need to pay for childcare and if you don’t you won’t be earning at all.

@bonetiredwithtwins

Marriage first always

If not see you in 5 years posting how now you have a kid(s) partner won't marry you

This. There is at least one thread a week from someone who had a child and then a other child and has a partner who keeps putting off the wedding. By then the woman has long given up on a big wedding and would be happy just to go to the registry office one lunchtime .The partner is not keen anymore and there is no incentive to marry. His salary has grown over the years, hers has stalled or disappeared completely. She is stuck. His eye is wandering.

Also re your reply about needing to save for mat leave. It's nothing to do with what you would spend but it's the loss of an income.

Obviously this depends on how long you want to take and your employers maternity policy. But worse case you'd be on SMP for 9ish months (around £600pm) and then nothing for 13 weeks.

Upfront costs we spent for baby:

Cot £130
Pram £800
Car seat £200
Moses basket (which baby hated) £80
Next to me crib £160
Bottles, sterilisers, breast pump etc £300
Monitor £180
Furniture (drawers, shelving etc for nursery) £500
Clothes, muslins, bedding etc £200
Bouncer, play mat £200

The list goes on as they get older

My baby was also 8 weeks prem so i lost 6 weeks of salary than planned which was something i couldn't have planned for but which is always a possibility.

I'd say it is definitely sensible to ensure you have savings before going on to maternity.

Marriage. As pp have said, it can be very cost effective if all you need is the marriage rather than the ‘wedding’. You and you baby will benefit from the legal protections of marriage.

The marriage is the bit that matters. The wedding is just a day. Weddings are expensive and most of the time your guests won't know or or care what you have spent the money on. When they go home it is you and your husband together, ideally for the rest of your lives. If you have spent a fortune and then immediately conceive a baby and then go on maternity leave you will be financially compromised for years and years and years. Have a small wedding a more realistic honeymoon and then become a family.
Always good to remember the quote "We spend most of our lives working ourselves to death to get as much money as we can to buy things we don't need to impress people we don't even like"

Wedding and honeymoon are more expensive and harder to organise if you've got kids to account for.
But the money would be better spent on a deposit for a house, in any case...

I got married (with minimal fuss) just before my first was born, with plans to have a bigger party later on. Ten years onwards, the party hasn't materialised yet...
All our time and money went into childcare first, then saving to buy a house. Maybe once COVID settles a bit, we will finally have that big party...

Getting married first was the best idea, though. Brought us massive peace of mind at a time when my husband and I both got COVID. Neither of us had a will, but marriage gave us the peace of mind that the surviving party would inherit easily if either of us died (that, plus there's some bereavement benefits you can claim, which softens the blow a bit when trying to make ends meet on a single income)

If you’re going to be primary caregiver, intend to take long maternity leave, your career take a backseat etc and you don’t have a lot more assets than your dp then get married first.
If you don’t get married first he may never marry you.
If you don’t intend to do any of those things, if you have more assets and are maybe due a huge inheritance then I wouldn’t get married as long as your name is also on the house you live in.