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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby or marriage first?

199 replies

Frenchtoastie · 13/01/2022 21:43

Not AIBU but looking for advice from women that have a variety of life experiences that could help me make the right decision.

I am 27 and engaged, we both have stable jobs a lovely house but no savings for a wedding. We are very broody but I’ve always wanted to be married before I have a baby.

If you were me would you; save up for the next 1/2 years and get married before having a baby (I would be 29/30)
Or have a baby and then get married when the baby is 2? I’ve always wanted to be a young Mum so 29/30 feels like a long time away

Thanks in advance for all your help

OP posts:

Kite22 · 14/01/2022 13:07

People on mumsnet are horrified about having a baby without being married

I don't think that is the case at all. Not in general on MN, nor on this thread specifically. Apart from one post, no-one is horrified at the concept of having children outside of marriage, but people are pointing out to the OP - who has specifically said it is important to her to have a big wedding and a honeymoon abroad that that isn't practical and is very unlikely to happen once you have dc.
Overwhelmingly people have said to have the wedding, then save for the dc, as it it the only way you'll be likely to get both. People have advised that if the OP thinks it will take a couple of years to save for the wedding she wants whilst there are two incomes and no childcare costs, then it will take YEARS longer once you have dc, as having a baby / small children takes a big chunk of your income.

Adeleskirts · 14/01/2022 13:11

Marriage first, children are very expensive and you could have a child with additional needs and one of you needs to give up work to care for. The cost of raising a child and general life can get in th way of saving for marriage, and then along comes no two. Life has a way of ruining our plans.

justasking111 · 14/01/2022 13:37

I'm guessing some parents don't save for their children's weddings nor offer to chip in these days. We're more backwards in Wales perhaps

Nanny0gg · 14/01/2022 13:37

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

Then that's your priority.

Hope it all works out for you. But I don't see how that will work with a child in tow

Nanny0gg · 14/01/2022 13:40

@Moon12345

Whatever makes you happy

We are engaged but have had a baby before getting married - we also want the wedding day/honeymoon we dream of or to be honest I’m not overly fussed about getting married at all. Having our boy has been the greatest joy of our lives - a lovely wedding is something we’ll look forward to planning in a few years time, maybe! I find all the advice about have a small wedding, save loads of money and then you can think about a baby quite old school/depressing really, but that’s just me!

It's the knowledge that all that money spent on one day (however lovely) will come in very handy for other things.

Plus, the added legal securities of being married first aren't to be sneezed at.
Read the Relationships board.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 14/01/2022 13:40

Do both, small wedding and attempt the baby.
Do not waste money on a lavish wedding.

piney07 · 14/01/2022 13:43

Do secret/quiet registry marriage, have baby, then have a proper wedding party. About half the weddings I have been to lately are couples who have been married for years but waited to have their wedding for various different reasons. It’s still very romantic

BlueberryJam123 · 14/01/2022 14:00

Like pretty much everyone said: marriage first (small wedding), then baby.

KO81 · 14/01/2022 14:17

This might sound a bit odd to some, but if you want the big wedding and party (I did too) then don’t ruin it by being pregnant or having a baby to think of. Have the carefree party you want with all your friends and family. It’s a lot of fun. I wouldn’t change mine. Then have the baby after. You’re still young.

GroggyLegs · 14/01/2022 14:35

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

Well that's parenting isn't it? There's loads of stuff you want but practicalities if being a family comes first.

First thing I would want to know as a parent is that me (& therefore my kids who will be living with me) were legally and financially protected.

Second, there's an extremely good chance that once you have children, the wedding budget shrinks anyway because that's life and your priorities change. You may we'll see £20k on a party as a huge waste when it can buy a new car/school fees/karate lessons whatever.
I know of only one family who had a big wedding after kids & they're minted.

Also, you're unlikely to want to leave your kids for the length of the lovely honeymoon, so it's either a week max & you'll talk about them constantly, or they come & it's a family holiday.

Personally I think it's crazy to have kids without marriage, and especially if a big party is the reason why.

TheGoogleMum · 14/01/2022 15:08

Once you have a baby it'll be harder to afford a wedding so unless you aren't that bothered about getting married (because you might never get round to it) I'd do that first!

mydogisthebest · 14/01/2022 16:13

@1stTimeMama

We had 3 children before we got married, because he didn't ask me until 7 years down the line. You can get married at anytime in your life, but you've no idea how long it might take to conceive, so if you both really want children I would go for it.

Well ideally you can get married any time but if something happens before you get round to it like your partner becoming seriously ill or, even worse, dying or even just leaving you could have all sorts of problems.

No one knows what the future holds and it is better to be safe than sorry

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 14/01/2022 16:44

Well we didn't have sex before marriage and I'm not called Mary so that kinda dictated our order 🤣🤣

Tothemoonandbackx · 14/01/2022 16:54

You can plan a wedding....you can't plan a baby Xx

2022success · 14/01/2022 17:05

No way would I have a baby without being married, unless you are independently wealthy.

Your insistence on a big fancy wedding makes you sound quite immature. It's a dreadful waste of money if it means you have to postpone pregnancy.

Blanketpolicy · 15/01/2022 12:39

@Tothemoonandbackx

You can plan a wedding....you can't plan a baby Xx

Of course you plan a baby. You ensure you have adequate contraception to ensure you dont have one. You consider when financially you can afford to provide for a child, where you will live, how you will afford maternity leave and childcare. Maybe plan careers around PT working, will you marry first etc. Etc.

Then you plan when you stop contraception and start ttc. It might take weeks, months or years to conceive, or might never happen, but the planning should still happen in all but exceptional circumstances.

TooOldToBeAGoth · 15/01/2022 13:14

You get married first of course.

hibbledibble · 15/01/2022 14:55

Get married first. This is important for so many reasons, not least legal protection. I'm shocked so many women are willing to have children outside of marriage currently.

A big wedding does not need to be expensive: that's a myth, perpetuated by the wedding industry. It's perfectly possible to hire a church/village/other hall/venue cheaply and get your own caterers in, and buy your own booze. I know people who have got married with over 50 guests for under 5k this way, even in London. Much cheaper outside of London.

Some people even do it in a marquee in a family garden, if they have enough space. Personally I prefer the cheaper weddings to the posh, expensive, hotel ones, as they feel more intimate and personal to the couple. This is compared to the identikit hotel weddings.

Another option is to have a marriage now (registry office and minimal guests) and postpone the wedding for a few years till you can afford a big party.

thebigpurpleone · 15/01/2022 19:39

@Tothemoonandbackx

You can plan a wedding....you can't plan a baby Xx

billy1966 · 15/01/2022 20:21

@RosesAndHellebores

Stop thinking about a wedding and start thinking about a stable marriage into which to bring a dependent child.

This.

Ginger1982 · 17/01/2022 19:32

@Tothemoonandbackx

You can plan a wedding....you can't plan a baby Xx

What nonsense.

StoneofDestiny · 17/01/2022 19:53

Small wedding, then baby. Big wedding becomes more like a big party - have a big party later.

I0NA · 17/01/2022 20:07

@Jk987

Many people on here say it's unacceptable to have a child before marriage. It was a few decades ago - those poor women were forced to have their child adopted or go into work houses. They had sex before marriage which was completely shameful.

It's 2022 now. We're intelligent and we have freedom of choice.

Have a look into the legal and financial aspects and do what makes sense and makes you happy. Keep your job and own savings if you're not married. You'll know what's right for you.

Not everyone wants an unromantic contract signing session in a registry office just to get the magic piece of paper. Save up for a full on dress and party if that's what makes your heart sing

Not one single poster here has said that it’s unacceptable to have a child before you are married. You need to improve your reading comprehension.

About 95% of poster have said get married for the legal and financial protection it offers to

the person who earns less ( here’s that’s the OP )
the person who is going to get pregnant ( here that’s the OP ) and
the person who is going to sacrifice their career to be the main carer and do most of the unpaid labour ( my guess is that’s also the OP ).

Romance, magic, dresses and singing hearts don’t keep a roof over your kids heads.

dementedmummy · 17/01/2022 20:29

Registry office
Book your fab holiday
Come back and have a party with a blessing so everyone gets to celebrate - 2 chances to get dressed up!
Save for baby

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