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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby or marriage first?

199 replies

Frenchtoastie · 13/01/2022 21:43

Not AIBU but looking for advice from women that have a variety of life experiences that could help me make the right decision.

I am 27 and engaged, we both have stable jobs a lovely house but no savings for a wedding. We are very broody but I’ve always wanted to be married before I have a baby.

If you were me would you; save up for the next 1/2 years and get married before having a baby (I would be 29/30)
Or have a baby and then get married when the baby is 2? I’ve always wanted to be a young Mum so 29/30 feels like a long time away

Thanks in advance for all your help

OP posts:
Warblerinwinter · 13/01/2022 22:41

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

Get a sense of perspective. Having a child is going to be even more expensive. You are being naïve about your financial and legal situation to have a child outside of the protection marriage gives you- you are the one that will need to take maternity leave, and probably the one that does lion share of caring even if working for early years. As people have said, a wedding is just 1 day. A marriage is a legal contract that you absolutely should have in place before you get pregnant. Have a civil small ceremony and treat as a civil partnership if you want, then have the showy frock and party later - though you’ll understand by then it’s better to spend your money on your family than a single fancy do
justasking111 · 13/01/2022 22:46

Small wedding, lovely honeymoon come home and save up so that you can save up for baby and maternity leave. Enjoy being newlyweds in the meantime

PinkPlantCase · 13/01/2022 22:49

@Frenchtoastie

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?
My baby is 7 months old and is on his 6th set of clothes. (Newborn, 0-3, 3-6, 6-9, 9-12 and now 12-18 months). They grow so so fast even getting clothes second hand is expensive.

We’re also buying a new car seat because he’s grown out of the other one.

Also I assume you’ll want to do things on maternity leave? Baby classes/groups cost money.

Also just our general food bill has gone up. First because I was picky about what I wanted when I was pregnant then because I was breastfeeding and eating like a horse and now because we buy more fruit and baby friendly things.

I had SMP which was about £700 a month. My husband doesn’t earn very much and I think we used about 3k of savings in the 7 months I had off work.

LocalHobo · 13/01/2022 22:55

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If yes, get married.
If a baby is your priority, maybe you don't need to be married/together?

As this poster says, it is about the marriage, not the wedding.
Stop thinking about a wedding and start thinking about a stable marriage into which to bring a dependent child.

Kite22 · 13/01/2022 22:57

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?

er....... lack of income ???
Unless your salary is somehow 'spare' each month now, they you need to fund the gap between your current income and what you will get whilst on maternity leave.
Isn't that obvious?

user1471604848 · 13/01/2022 23:04

Other optional, but expensive items you might want while on maternity leave are :

  • night nanny (some nights, to get a full night's sleep)
  • sleep consultant

Also, nappies and formula add up!

iloveorange · 13/01/2022 23:04

We wanted to get married first, but Covid meant we had to wait for a but. We booked the registry appointment in March but didn't actually register our will to get married until June. Then the earliest we could get married was December.

We didn't know how long it'd take us to conceive, and I'm 33, so we started TTC in the meantime. And I fell pregnant in the first month! So I got married at 21 weeks. We did a small ceremony with our closest family members and it was perfect for us, but neither of us had ever wanted a big wedding. I would have preferred to have a honeymoon and a summer wedding, but I like having a child in April more.

Sometimes you can have everything you want and other times it's not possible. What I would do is assess my priorities. If being a younger mother is important to you, do a small wedding and start TTC. You can always have a bigger celebration later.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2022 23:08

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

You need to separate "wedding" from "marriage" in your head. And decide which is your priority.

Personally, I think the marriage is more important than the wedding. And if you're aiming to start a family, get married first.

feeona123 · 13/01/2022 23:12

Don’t waste your money on a big wedding, keep it small bit definitely marry before baby!

2pinkginsplease · 13/01/2022 23:19

I’d get married first and then have a baby,

Also remember that a big wedding is expensive and it’s only for 1 day. A marriage lasts a lot longer than that.

We spent approx 5k on wedding and honeymoon and have been married 22 years. Bil and his wife spent approx 26K on just their wedding and it lasted 6/7 years. We were both married just different outcomes.

26K is a huge amount of money for one day.

Bonnealle · 13/01/2022 23:44

Just do the legal bit if marriage is so important to you. Have a baby, then a party later. A baby may come quickly or take a while and then you can reassess. I’ve been to a few weddings where they have done the legal bit before. They still had a ceremony, felt exactly the same as a usual one would.

LittleBearPad · 13/01/2022 23:51

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou all for your replies, yes I do know I need to be realistic. It’s lovely to hear that people have done it either way around and it’s worked perfectly for them
That’s really not the overriding message on this thread.
Figgyboa · 14/01/2022 00:08

Marriage first.

BasketBlocks · 14/01/2022 00:11

I’d get married first.

I had a big wedding and really enjoyed it but with hindsight, it was a massive waste of money. If I was doing it again I’d have immediate family, register office, pub meal after.

TeenyQueen · 14/01/2022 07:10

On the legal side, if you have a child but aren't married and something happens to one of you the person left behind is in a difficult position. You won't be entitled to many benefits that widows are entitled to and you may have to pay more inheritance tax. The UK has no 'common law marriage'.

WaterBottle123 · 14/01/2022 07:31

Regardless of marriage, keep your job post baby and avoid marriage if you are higher earner.

Don't have a baby unless your DP is committed to half of all childcare.

Have a nice party whenever you can afford it, every year if you like, life should be celebrated

GrendelsGrandma · 14/01/2022 07:36

Sorry to be boring but you need to know what marriage means in legal and financial terms, forget the party element!

I agree if you want a baby soon, do a cheap registry office wedding first. Otherwise you could be ten years down the line wondering where your earning power went and why you don't have a pension etc.

sunnyhoneybumblebee · 14/01/2022 07:40

-Have a secret tiny wedding now which is quite romantic and also sensible if you want a baby

-Have a baby

-Have a bigger dream wedding in a few years time

tealandteal · 14/01/2022 07:45

I agree marriage first, even if the actual wedding comes later. The marriage is to protect you in case something goes wrong, like divorce or being run over by a bus. There are lots of things to buy on maternity leave and your income is reduced, depending on what you earn and what your employers maternity or shared parental package is like. You will be at home all day at the start so bills may well go up. You will need to buy nappies and maybe formula, as well as stuff like cot, high chair, clothes for baby, toys. A lot of this can be bought second hand but things like mattresses and car seats shouldn’t be. You will want to get out of the house to baby groups and to meet friends and other new mums for coffee etc.

Twinkleylight · 14/01/2022 07:45

Marriage first and then baby always.

married. Legal benefits of marriage versus cohabitation

shouldistop · 14/01/2022 07:45

It costs a couple of hundred quid to get married. A baby is far more expensive

shouldistop · 14/01/2022 07:49

A lovely honeymoon abroad with a baby Grin

Don't get me wrong, I love family holidays but I'm very glad we had our honeymoon before having babies as it was the last holiday as a couple.

Etinoxaurus · 14/01/2022 07:52

@C152

Skip the marriage totally - no need for it in this day and age.
Why do you say that? Have the laws around tax and property changed and no one told us?
GrendelsGrandma · 14/01/2022 07:56

@shouldistop

A lovely honeymoon abroad with a baby Grin

Don't get me wrong, I love family holidays but I'm very glad we had our honeymoon before having babies as it was the last holiday as a couple.

Ha ha yes our first few holidays with a baby were a bleak endurance test and we all cried
ThirdElephant · 14/01/2022 07:56

Wedding first, if you want to actually get around to it. I know a few couples who've had kids first and haven't actually gotten married yet, nor set a date- one particular example I can think of just has their third kid and have been engaged for 10+ years. Once you've got a kid to think of, it's hard to justify the expense of a wedding, and also tricky to put aside time to plan it. I also know of one couple where the man unfortunately died when the baby was small- fiancée was not next of kin etc. and it was such an awful mess to sort out. If you do have a baby first, do what you can in terms of wills etc beforehand just in case.