Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby or marriage first?

199 replies

Frenchtoastie · 13/01/2022 21:43

Not AIBU but looking for advice from women that have a variety of life experiences that could help me make the right decision.

I am 27 and engaged, we both have stable jobs a lovely house but no savings for a wedding. We are very broody but I’ve always wanted to be married before I have a baby.

If you were me would you; save up for the next 1/2 years and get married before having a baby (I would be 29/30)
Or have a baby and then get married when the baby is 2? I’ve always wanted to be a young Mum so 29/30 feels like a long time away

Thanks in advance for all your help

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 13/01/2022 22:24

Do get married first. It protects you better.

You can always have a little registry office do first, and then have a blessing in a couple years, I’ve been to a blessing, and it’s very similar to a church wedding.

BeeDavis · 13/01/2022 22:24

Me and my fiancé were supposed to be married in April last year (engaged 2018). Postponed it in December 2020 to April this year. The plan was marry then try for a baby! Due to the postponement, we decided to try for a baby as soon as we moved the wedding (planned to stop trying if we hadn’t conceived so many month before the wedding as didn’t want to be pregnant at the same time!) a month later we were pregnant and now have a 3.5 month old little boy.. honestly best thing we could have done! He’ll be 7 months when we get married and it’s just absolutely completed us. I say if you really want a baby then don’t delay it!

mydogisthebest · 13/01/2022 22:25

Married first. Just have a small wedding. Realistically if you have a baby first you are unlikely to ever have the big expensive wedding you want.

Marriage is the important thing not a big wedding and a honeymoon costing a fortune

GettingItOutThere · 13/01/2022 22:28

registry office now and save hard for maternity leave.

If you have a big wedding now you will be postponing kids for longer because you wont be able to afford them!

DarkCorner · 13/01/2022 22:30

Small wedding now then baby then big blessing/party/christening/naming do the following year. Bonus as it means it’s not an official “wedding” so you can do things how you want without worrying so much about tradition on the day but keep the traditional bits you want.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 13/01/2022 22:31

@czycoup

I got married first cos I knew we'd never get round to it if we had a baby from time and money point of view.
Yep, this.

I have a load of people on Facebook who have got engaged, had a child and just haven’t got round to, or been able to afford, the wedding they wanted.

If you haven’t been able to put together the funds for a big wedding in the time you’ve been engaged while you’ve both been working full time (I’m guessing), then is it realistic that you’ll be able to do it when you’re on maternity leave/ gone part time/ paying £££ every month for childcare?

Plus you want a nice honeymoon. It’s one thing having a once in a lifetime holiday when your childfree and fancy-free, only having to suit yourselves, but with kids? That’s not a holiday, it’s just parenting in a slightly hotter climate Grin

PattyPan · 13/01/2022 22:31

I’m basically in the same position as you. I’d go for marriage first because I think if you have the baby first you won’t get around to the wedding. This happened to DP’s parents who have now been engaged for 26 years!

Original poster
Frenchtoastie · 13/01/2022 22:32

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?

OP posts:
wishing3 · 13/01/2022 22:32

I think if a party type celebration is important to you, def do the wedding before the baby. We’ve gone baby before wedding which was the right choice for us because I’m much older, but it does mean I feel I’ll miss out on a carefree wedding and honeymoon. Also-and I’m sure not an issue for someone your age- I do look way more haggard now I have a kid so in an ideal world I’d have met OH earlier, had time to get married first and looked a bit more radiant on a wedding day. 🤣

elelel · 13/01/2022 22:33

@C152

Skip the marriage totally - no need for it in this day and age.

Why not?

lisaandalan · 13/01/2022 22:34

I had a big wedding 450 people were invited, my friend just had a small wedding 50 to 60 people, hers was so much nicer a lot more relaxed and enjoyable, you spoke to everyone at your leisure, enjoyed the food and speeches because it didn't seem such a great big rush to feed everyone and you could her the speeches and everything.
I must preferred the small affair and I know it wasn't my wedding but it was definitely better more personal. X

thebigpurpleone · 13/01/2022 22:34

@Frenchtoastie

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?
What is your maternity leave policy, do you get enhanced pay through work? Statutory is not much at all.
wishing3 · 13/01/2022 22:34

I saved £8, 000 but didn’t actually need to use much of that. Depends what your maternity pay is like and how many cafes you want to visit! But it is good to have some security for unexpected things.

Alayalaya · 13/01/2022 22:34

How are you going to have a ‘lovely honeymoon abroad’ with a 2 year old? You can’t just dump a 2 year old for a fortnight and you certainly won’t have a nice time if you take them with you. The same applies to the wedding, you won’t have a very nice day if you’re running around wiping a 2 year olds bum and trying to get them to behave. Enjoy your lovely wedding without the burden of a child and have one afterwards.

elelel · 13/01/2022 22:35

@Frenchtoastie

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?

I think you have forgotten to factor in the cost of the new human who you would be spending your maternity leave with.

lisaandalan · 13/01/2022 22:35

Also small wedding and then baby, got carried away and forgot to write the answer to original question. X

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/01/2022 22:36

Marriage first. Babies are a drain on time and money, both of which are required for weddings.

Look at your maternity pay arrangements. How long would you want off work? How would you manage childcare when you went back to work? See how much that costs.

BorderlineBob · 13/01/2022 22:37

Wedding then baby. If you want a big wedding and a fancy honeymoon, it absolutely won’t be the same with a baby.
We had our baby first but we weren’t at all bothered about the wedding itself (as an event) so it was perfect for us.
I’m a tiny bit sad that we’ll never have a relaxing honeymoon.

Merryoldgoat · 13/01/2022 22:37

@Frenchtoastie

Thankyou for your replies already.

We both want to have a big wedding and lovely honeymoon abroad..so I feel sad to only have a small wedding

Big weddings are nice but don’t get sidetracked.

It is undoubtedly better to be married prior to children if possible.

So either save and wait (30 is still young) or have a small marriage and crack on.

But if the wedding is the be all end all then you’ve got bigger issues.

Chatwin · 13/01/2022 22:37

@Frenchtoastie

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?
Money to live off when you're not earning on mat leave.

Money to help cover extortionate costs of childcare if you return to work.

Money to help live off if you dont return to work.

Money to buy essentials for baby, pram, cot etc etc.

parietal · 13/01/2022 22:37

if you want to save for a big wedding, you could always do a tiny wedding in a registry office to get legally married, but not tell anyone. And then do the ceremony and party a year or two later when you have time to save.

Also, you can do a big wedding without going OTT on the cost - look for things like hiring a youth hostel and hiring someone to do a hog roast. Having fun with family & friends is more important than fancy decor, matching napkins and wedding favours.

Merryoldgoat · 13/01/2022 22:38

@Frenchtoastie

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?
Sweet Jesus.
2021BusyBee · 13/01/2022 22:39

I got married 3 weeks ago and I also have a 13 week old baby. We had a huge wedding booked for 2020 but as it kept being cancelled due to the pandemic, we kept cutting things from the wedding, such as the cars, cake, favours and most importantly the big fancy venue (Also inc a month long honeymoon in Bali) We changed the venue after our second cancellation to a cheaper venue and smaller numbers (52 to the day from 90). Making the wedding smaller was THE best decision I have ever made, I now have much more money to spend on my baby and to spend as a family and not have the financial stress whilst on maternity leave.

BorderlineBob · 13/01/2022 22:39

As for the spending whilst on mat leave. I did A LOT of late night online shopping when I was up feeding the baby. But maybe that’s just me!

PattyPan · 13/01/2022 22:39

@Frenchtoastie

Lots of people are saying I would need to “save hard” for materninty leave..how much money do people generally need on Mat leave? I didn’t think I would spend much other than bills?
Nappies? Baby groups? And how long do you want to take off? I want to take a year but only get 5 months on full pay and then a few weeks more on SMP. So need to save for the months where I wouldn’t be paid anything.