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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My OH doesn’t want this 2nd baby

189 replies

LB482 · 13/01/2022 12:04

We have just found out we have had an “accident” and we are divided on what to do.

For context we have a 2yo together and he has an adult son. I am 40 he is 50. I have a decent paid FT job and he is self employed builder and doesn’t think he has physical ability to do more than another 10 years. He also has mental health issues and tinnitus. We have no family close by to help and I lost my mum to cancer.

He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant. He doesn’t think he has the mental, physical or financial capability for another. He says our life is good now and it will be easier having just one. We won’t be divided going to hobbies or parties and still afford to do nice things and even send kid to private school if we wanted. Another would ruin all this and he is happy being a father of 2. He thinks it will ruin our relationship too. He also hates his own brother.

I desperately want another child. I want our child to grow up with a sibling. I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life. I love motherhood and want to have another child to love and cherish. I want a bigger family than we have now as we don’t have many others that we are close to, physically or emotionally.

I think I would resent my OH for life if he made me end this pregnancy but I know he may resent me and this child if it does all go horribly wrong and we ruin our relationship or happy family life we have now, or worse still have a disabled child (as we are both mature parents). I don’t know if I can even go through with the process of abortion it actually sickens me to think of it.

He is a constant worrier and thinks it will tip his anxiety over the edge.

AIBU if I carry on with this pregnancy?

OP posts:

tothemoonandbackbuses · 13/01/2022 12:07

You’re pregnant now it’s your choice. If he hadn’t wanted another child he should have had the snip!
It’s probably best to do what you want because if he doesn’t want a second at all the relationship is over but if you have an abortion when you really don’t want to the relationship will be over as well.

Wimpeyspread · 13/01/2022 12:12

If he was so worried about the thought of having another child, why didn’t he take himself off and have the snip? He is 50% responsible for this pregnancy, he doesn’t get to be furious about it

Lubeyboobyalt · 13/01/2022 12:13

yanbu - he should have the snip, double up on contraceptives (meaning say, you on the pill, plus he wears condom) or abstain if he felt this strongly, accidents are always a possibility otherwise even with perfect use of contraceptives. And he needs to stop being an arse or 'furious' about it too. He can be furious with himself but not you.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2022 12:13

Whether you keep the baby or have an abortion, the relationship is very likely over. Have the baby if that's what you want, just do so with your eyes wide open, knowing that chances are high you'll be a single parent.

CanofCant · 13/01/2022 12:15

YANBU at all. You're pregnant now so the ultimate decision is yours and yours alone. As PP said, he could have thought ahead and got the snip. If you desperately want this baby then you should keep it as from what you have written, I think you will only end up resenting him and hating yourself.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 13/01/2022 12:16

It’s hardly your fault, it’s not like we just randomly become pregnant, he played a part in this too!

Luckingfovely · 13/01/2022 12:17

You want the child, so you carry on with the pregnancy. It's simple. Stop worrying about that decision and move on.

If he carries on behaving like a twat then you'll be better off without him, and happier raising your two children on your own.

And yes, as pp said, every time he raises it, remind him it's 50% his responsibility. And that the decision has been to made to keep it.

Eventually, he'll have to either flake out of your life on this excuse, or step up to his responsibilities. Either way, you'll learn what sort of person he really is.

Good luck.

liveforsummer · 13/01/2022 12:19

The bottom line is you really want this baby. Could you manage alone? (Well of course you COULD, are you prepared to). If you end up having a termination I doubt your relationship will recover from that so either way your life as it is now isn't an option. Better to go with your heart and let him decide to stay or go.

BrandNewFor2022 · 13/01/2022 12:19

Why is "accident" written like that? Was it a genuine contraception fail?

Regardless, it's entirely your choice what to do moving forward I hope you can give yourself some time to decide what will be best for you.

PinkSyCo · 13/01/2022 12:29

So your DH is furious that you are pregnant. Who is he angry with? Himself I hope. Or, as I suspect, is he blaming it on you? And then on top of that expecting you to go through a process that sickens you and which could affect you negatively for the rest of your life. That said your DH is rather old to be having babies, he does have mental health issues and tinnitus so if you do go ahead and have this baby do not be too surprised if he is not as hands on with him/her as you would like and be prepared to resent that and possibly end up a single parent of 2 because of it. Good luck with everything.

ThreeLittleDots · 13/01/2022 12:30

YANBU - it was/is your choice to conceive (I assume that's what the "s mean) and have this baby.

But be prepared to lose him. He is worth losing btw if he would put pressure on you to abort whilst knowing you're dead against it.

PattyPan · 13/01/2022 12:34

It sounds like a choice between the baby and the relationship. Neither of you are being unreasonable, just your reasons are incompatible. I certainly can’t blame him for not wanting a baby at 50.

rocksonrocks · 13/01/2022 12:34

Why is "accident" written like that? Was it a genuine contraception fail?

Yes also interested in this bit. If you have deliberately sabotaged your contraception so that you fall pregnant against your husband’s wishes I can understand his stance.

Lollypop701 · 13/01/2022 12:41

The pregnancy was unplanned. And it’s the way he feels. Dh May be angry at the circumstances not op! Not sure the relationship will survive if you really don’t want a termination and you have one? Only you know the answer to that. You need to decide what you want, taking into consideration your marriage may not survive either way . Neither of you are wrong and it’s tough for you op

zafferana · 13/01/2022 12:43

@rocksonrocks

Why is "accident" written like that? Was it a genuine contraception fail?

Yes also interested in this bit. If you have deliberately sabotaged your contraception so that you fall pregnant against your husband’s wishes I can understand his stance.

Yeah, I can't help feeling there is more to this than the OP is admitting. Is your OH aware how desperate you are to have a 2nd DC and did you do things to make this 'Oops' pregnancy happen? It certainly sounds like you may have behaved in an underhand way - so did you? If so, I can understand why he's furious.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/01/2022 12:44

If you want this baby then keep it, don't let someone push you into doing something you don't want to do. I understand his reasons for not wanting another baby but you're pregnant now and he played his part in that. There is a chance your relationship will break down if you keep it but there's as big a chance (or bigger) that it will break down if you feel he pushed you into having an abortion

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/01/2022 12:49

It’s entirely your choice and he should have had the snip if he was certain he didn’t want anymore children.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/01/2022 12:53

I think people are reading too much into the "accident".

AutumnLeaves21 · 13/01/2022 12:56

No such thing as tricking someone into getting pregnant. If he felt so strongly about another child he shouldn’t have put his penis in her and got her pregnant. Condoms and vasectomies are both freely available.
Op his behaviour is awful and he’s emotionally blackmailing you. Your body, your choice

vivainsomnia · 13/01/2022 12:57

Whatever happens, things won't be great. Considering how desperate you seem to want this other child, you can expect that he'll never believed it was a genuine accident. That's the issue. He'll always think that you lied and trapped him, unless you can prove it wasn't the case.

On this basis, the trust will be gone and so will the relationship. Of he is self employed, you might not get much maintenance and none once he retires.

Then there is the issue of how he'll react to the child. What happens if he doesn't bond at all. Will he even want to see them or treat them differently to your current child?

Hopefully he is just reacting to the news now, will come around it with time and adore his child, but you can't be sure of it. I have to say that at 50, the idea of becoming a parent again would horrify me so I can understand how he feels.

EerieSilence · 13/01/2022 12:58

I don't get how he is furious about the pregnancy.
It takes two - he stuck it in, he let it out, it's his responsibility too, unless you met an angel telling you the one above is responsible.
You might want to rethink your future with him rather than with the child. If he says that he can carry on for about 10 years max, what's going to happen when your DS is a teenager. Is he just going to offload him or let you handle the difficult years?

Bucanarab · 13/01/2022 13:03

If he hadn’t wanted another child he should have had the snip!

If he was so worried about the thought of having another child, why didn’t he take himself off and have the snip?

As PP said, he could have thought ahead and got the snip

yanbu - he should have the snip

Except, according to mumsnet posters a man is not allowed to have autonomy over his reproductive organs and must first discuss these matters with their partners, and receive their blessing. Simply going off and having the snip is grounds for LTB.

Of course as the OP has stated she "desperately wants another child" I can't imagine she would have approved of the snip idea even if her OH had suggested it and since the OP has admitted that her OH has "always said one only" I would be fairly surprised if this hadn't been discussed (I await a nice big drip feed along the lines of "he refused to have the snip" shortly).

Bottom line is the OH is either having another child that he doesn't want or is losing his family, which is a pretty shitty situation to be in.

HipsterMum · 13/01/2022 13:11

I am genuinely sorry that you are in this position and that the person who should be the one to support you is adding on this extra pressure. If you were both sexually active regardless of contraception (let's all remember even the snip is not 99 percent reliable, there is no 100 percent reliable method except for not having sex) it is always a possibility. I cannot nor anyone on this forum can tell you what to do. It should be your choice. I believe you already made it by wanting this child , wanting a sibling for your first one and knowing that you will resent your husband if he insists on abortion. You should tell your husband that it is what you want to do and that you would love to have him on board . There is more than enough time to think things through. You got a lot of things probably left from your first one so really you don't need to buy anything new. Do what you really are comfortable living with in the future. We are not talking about buying a flat you really liked and want but your husband disagrees. We are talking about a child and you never know but it seems like it might be your last chance to have one (not by any chance because of your age) but because of your partner's stand.

On a separate note it is a fantastic age difference. I had my second when my first son was 2.7. They are now 5 and 2.5 and are the best friends, so loving with one another. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy! X

PattyPan · 13/01/2022 13:14

People are giving the DH a hard time here. Routine surgery has been cancelled for 2 years, he might have been on the waiting list for a vasectomy and not been able to get one. He might even have had one, as they’re not always 100% effective.

Why are you even with him if you are that desperate for a second child, knowing that he didn’t want one?

Hemingwayzcatz · 13/01/2022 13:19

@PattyPan

Why are you even with him if you are that desperate for a second child, knowing that he didn’t want one?

Highly doubt this would be the case. My DH had one a couple of months ago and he only had to wait a month for it. It isn’t major surgery, it’s usually done at the GP’s and it takes 5 minutes. It’s like a smear test tbh.

As others have said, if he truly didn’t want another child he should have taken steps to avoid it but he didn’t. He can’t be angry at anyone but himself now. The decision is yours ultimately because it’s your body, he may choose to end the relationship though so be prepared for that. Good luck.

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