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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My OH doesn’t want this 2nd baby

189 replies

LB482 · 13/01/2022 12:04

We have just found out we have had an “accident” and we are divided on what to do.

For context we have a 2yo together and he has an adult son. I am 40 he is 50. I have a decent paid FT job and he is self employed builder and doesn’t think he has physical ability to do more than another 10 years. He also has mental health issues and tinnitus. We have no family close by to help and I lost my mum to cancer.

He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant. He doesn’t think he has the mental, physical or financial capability for another. He says our life is good now and it will be easier having just one. We won’t be divided going to hobbies or parties and still afford to do nice things and even send kid to private school if we wanted. Another would ruin all this and he is happy being a father of 2. He thinks it will ruin our relationship too. He also hates his own brother.

I desperately want another child. I want our child to grow up with a sibling. I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life. I love motherhood and want to have another child to love and cherish. I want a bigger family than we have now as we don’t have many others that we are close to, physically or emotionally.

I think I would resent my OH for life if he made me end this pregnancy but I know he may resent me and this child if it does all go horribly wrong and we ruin our relationship or happy family life we have now, or worse still have a disabled child (as we are both mature parents). I don’t know if I can even go through with the process of abortion it actually sickens me to think of it.

He is a constant worrier and thinks it will tip his anxiety over the edge.

AIBU if I carry on with this pregnancy?

OP posts:
Nevermakeit · 13/01/2022 16:24

If you want it, then absolutely keep the baby. But, I think I think it's only fair if you are prepared to move from PT to FT, to cover the financial side, so the pressure is not all on him. That would strike me as fair.

Nevermakeit · 13/01/2022 16:30

Sorry, ignore my message, I thought you said you were PT but you are not.
Basically, is there any way you could take more work on/get a promotion, so the pressure is not so much on him.

funinthesun19 · 13/01/2022 16:35

You want to have this baby, so you have the baby. He had choices beforehand. The final decision isn’t his to make now.

I’m always very Hmm at men who are pushy for their wife to have an abortion. I bet he’s not this keen on abortion when he reads about other women having them and it’s obviously not affecting him.

notapizzaeater · 13/01/2022 16:47

How far gone are you ? Have you time to talk this out ? Though if he is so set and you are so set it doesn't bode well for the marriage, whichever of you 'wins' will always be resented by the other.

whumpthereitis · 13/01/2022 18:03

Personally I wouldn’t have a baby that was unwanted by one of it’s parents, having seen a similar situation play out. The parents split, and the father maintained a good relationship with the elder daughter whilst totally rejecting the younger one. The mother did try to make him treat them fairly, but in the end the relationships disintegrated (the older daughter became very hostile to towards the mother and her younger sister) and she’s now living with her father. It was a very messy and sad situation.

It’s your body and your choice OP, it has to be, but like I said, personally I wouldn’t.

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 18:06

Nothing wrong with a man having a baby at 50

zafferana · 13/01/2022 18:10

@AryaStarkWolf

I think people are reading too much into the "accident".
Yeah, well she hasn't come back ...
Chely · 13/01/2022 18:15

Do what you are comfortable with.
If you want to continue with the pregnancy he hasn't got much say, your body. It sounds like your relationship may suffer either way so why would you do what he wants over what you want.

Figgygal · 13/01/2022 18:18

Based on his age and health i understand why hes unhappy tbh but he shouldn't be putting any pressure on you

TellMeItsPossible · 13/01/2022 18:30

@PattyPan

People are giving the DH a hard time here. Routine surgery has been cancelled for 2 years, he might have been on the waiting list for a vasectomy and not been able to get one. He might even have had one, as they’re not always 100% effective.

Why are you even with him if you are that desperate for a second child, knowing that he didn’t want one?

Poor lamb couldn't possibly have abstained, could he?
Hmum0fthree · 13/01/2022 18:34

Have an abortion risk the relationship being ruined

Have the baby risk the relationship being ruined.

I would say do what is best for YOU but in reality you need to do what is best for your DC1!

If he left could you afford two children and be comfortable? Could you look after two children alone?

Staryflight445 · 13/01/2022 18:36

Yanbu but his reaction and relentless only caring about himself would be the breaker of a relationship for a lot of people.

It’s all about him. Selfish git.

Staryflight445 · 13/01/2022 18:38

Fwiw op we found ourself dealing with a surprise pregnancy last year too (im 27 weeks atm).

My husband was anxious about going ahead and out laid why, but from the start reassured me he would support me with whatever decision I chose.
He made it about me and not him and I’ll be forever thankful for that.

Lockheart · 13/01/2022 18:47

@TellMeItsPossible Poor lamb couldn't possibly have abstained, could he?

Maybe OP didn't want to? There's two people in this relationship.

Lwren · 13/01/2022 18:50

This is something you need to discuss with a professional, I had a termination because the my ex didn't want them. I think about who they'd have been and I ended the relationship within weeks of no longer being pregnant.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation. You're emotionally ready to have this baby and it's wanted and presumably loved by you, your body feels protective etc of them. If you do terminate you're going to feel a huge loss and this needs lots of counselling, although it's likely when you talk to the staff they'll realise this isn't actually your choice unless you convince them it is. But if they know your true feelings they'll possibly refuse to continue with the termination.
Sorry my advice is gloomy, I'm sure you're hoping for something that'll be more positive however either you lose a pregnancy you want to continue or you continue a pregnancy your DH doesn't want.

Please do what is right for you I'm sorry again this is your situation x

Hmum0fthree · 13/01/2022 18:53

@Staryflight445 but they had already discussed only having 1 child? he is a 50 year old man

Sedai · 13/01/2022 18:55

You have to make the choice that's right for you. You say having another baby might disrupt your relationship but so could the resentment towards him if you have a termination. Whatever way it all works out, make the decision that's right for you. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position Flowers

Staryflight445 · 13/01/2022 18:56

We had openly discussed having 2, we both wanted to stop at 2.
Life happens though, when you’re having sex there is always a risk of pregnancy.
He was happy enough to have sex so should be caring enough to put op first instead of only caring about himself.

You’re allowed to not want something, he’s not being a very caring partner with his response though. @Hmum0fthree

goawaystormy · 13/01/2022 18:57

Poor lamb couldn't possibly have abstained, could he?

Her DH is getting a hard time here. Can you imagine the thread.

'My DH is refusing to have sex with me because he absolutely doesn't want another baby. I would quite like one but obviously wouldn't go ahead without him on board - I'm not gonna trick him with an 'accidental' pregnancy! Baby things aside I still want sex. Being in a sexless relationship is making me feel unloved and also like he doesn't trust me to not trick him into having a baby'

Replies:

I wouldn't be happy with a sexless relationship either, you're both adults, you should still be able to enjoy and have sex using contraception

YANBU - I'd leave someone if they trusted me that little

LTB - he's putting his fear of having an accidental pregnancy (a tiny probability) over your emotional and physical needs in your marriage.

BoredZelda · 13/01/2022 18:58

People are giving the DH a hard time here. Routine surgery has been cancelled for 2 years, he might have been on the waiting list for a vasectomy and not been able to get one. He might even have had one, as they’re not always 100% effective.

There are other ways to prevent pregnancy.

If I were in the OP’s situation I would probably choose to keep the child and if it were the end of the relationship then so be it.

BooksAndGin · 13/01/2022 19:01

I can see why based on his age and health, he'll be 70 when the child is only early 20s, maybe he's worried they'll have to look after him and loose their young adult life?

However if you want to keep the baby, do so but I would be reconsidering the marriage and I would not chase him for CSA as he's been honest from the start he doesn't want another child. Everyone will disagree with me no doubt though.

Pancakeorcrepe · 13/01/2022 19:02

You say you’re desperate for a baby - you probably did something to make this “oops” baby happen. I bet there’s more to this story. I think you’re mad. He’s 50 and always said he only wanted one. You overplayed your cards.

PattyPan · 13/01/2022 19:02

@Staryflight445

Yanbu but his reaction and relentless only caring about himself would be the breaker of a relationship for a lot of people.

It’s all about him. Selfish git.

It sounds like he is concerned about his age/health negatively impacting his ability to care for and provide for another child. Which is actually very reasonable. OP sounds much more selfish here. ‘I really want a baby though’ isn’t enough to counteract all the reasons in the circumstances she has laid out.
Summerfun54321 · 13/01/2022 19:14

I don’t know who’s right or wrong but I feel exhausted even thinking about having a baby at 50. If he’s done a hard physical job his whole life, I can imagine his health is just not up to it. His anxieties aren’t unreasonable.

Piggyk2 · 13/01/2022 19:21

He also has mental health issues and tinnitus.

Did posters bypass this and just side with OP?

I'm leaning towards her OH on this.... her OH stated that he ONLY wanted one DC and OP has said she always wanted a sibling for her DC.