My OH doesn’t want this 2nd baby

[LB482]

We have just found out we have had an “accident” and we are divided on what to do.

For context we have a 2yo together and he has an adult son. I am 40 he is 50. I have a decent paid FT job and he is self employed builder and doesn’t think he has physical ability to do more than another 10 years. He also has mental health issues and tinnitus. We have no family close by to help and I lost my mum to cancer.

He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant. He doesn’t think he has the mental, physical or financial capability for another. He says our life is good now and it will be easier having just one. We won’t be divided going to hobbies or parties and still afford to do nice things and even send kid to private school if we wanted. Another would ruin all this and he is happy being a father of 2. He thinks it will ruin our relationship too. He also hates his own brother.

I desperately want another child. I want our child to grow up with a sibling. I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life. I love motherhood and want to have another child to love and cherish. I want a bigger family than we have now as we don’t have many others that we are close to, physically or emotionally.

I think I would resent my OH for life if he made me end this pregnancy but I know he may resent me and this child if it does all go horribly wrong and we ruin our relationship or happy family life we have now, or worse still have a disabled child (as we are both mature parents). I don’t know if I can even go through with the process of abortion it actually sickens me to think of it.

He is a constant worrier and thinks it will tip his anxiety over the edge.

AIBU if I carry on with this pregnancy?

*Don't think abortion would be the right choice for you

Of course there are no guarantees but a healthy 35 year old man is a damn sight more likely to live to see his kids grow up than a blue collar worker 50 year old in bad health 🙄

"He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant."

Completely unreasonable of him to be furious with you. Perhaps he's angry with himself for not getting a vasectomy or wearing a condom.

I can understand why he doesn't want another child at the age of 50. But he doesn't get to decide at this point - you're pregnant now and it's your choice.

You clearly want to continue the pregnancy and you'd be mad to terminate just to appease him. Even if you could go through with it, you would surely resent him for it and regret it.

It sounds as if the relationship might be over unless he can come around to the idea of another child.

Would the two of you be open to couple's counselling?

Fundamentally, your body, your choice.
Good luck.

am a fit 40yo who runs 3x a week and he is not old in the head either, I could never have imagined my dad dressing fashionably! I lost my mum in my twenties too so I know what it’s like to lose a parent young, it is devastating, but you can’t predict life

I’m in my mid 20s and my dad is 50. Mum is younger. I’m glad they had me in their early 20s because I still have my grandparents (late 70s). I’m sorry you lost your mum at a young age, but most people pass away in their 80s. This means that your dc may lose their df in their 20s or early 30s. They won’t have a relationship with their grandparents as adults. You and dh are ok now, but you will be in your 50s and 60s organising play dates, taking dc to extracurricular clubs, taking them to and from university etc.

If the decision was whether to have another child, I'd agree with you. But it's not... it's whether to abort an existing pregnancy.

Exactly. There's a massive difference. On a personal level I'm 100% Pro Choice and would never judge a woman for having an abortion, I don't think I ever could make that choice myself though (under ordinary circumstances anyway, I don't know how I would feel if I was raped etc)

I understand your husband's age worries him and is a concern for him. People can however get unwell at any age! There are no guarantees in this life. The same applies to 'he only wanted 1 child' . Unless a woman has had her uterus removed there is always a chance pregnancy might happen. Even if it is 1% chance only. I am all pro choice.... but it seems that those things are usually discussed before getting married and then throughout the marriage reflecting the various changes that happen to us as we grow older. For example that you secretly always wanted your child to have a sibling. Why did you hide it from the partner you love and trust so much? You might have been ok with 'one child only scenario' but then once you had the baby, you felt differently. We are not robots. We cannot always write down a detailed plan for our whole life. I do not know your relationship with your partner, I am sure he is a fantastic dad but are you certain you will be able to terminate and then to carry on as normal? I myself wouldn't because to me an essential part of seeing someone as a good father is to know that they take responsibility for their children, all children that they conceive. I cannot imagine to continue seeing someone as a great father after they insisted I terminate a pregnancy. That's my personal worry.

Either way a baby is not necessarily a massive disruption to ones 'perfect life'. Yes, it can be very challenging at first especially with the lack of sleep but there is a big chance you can still enjoy all the same family dynamics and outings with a sling on with a baby sleeping in it.

Decision is only yours but I do hope that your partner is also there to share the consequences for both scenarios. Seeing some of my friends examples a termination can often be an even bigger challenge to ones relationship than a baby and a few sleepless months.

It's NOT just about the sleepless nights, it's about him knowing that he has personal responsibility to provide and take care of a young family whilst working in construction. Which is a young man's game. Along with his own health problems which will only accelerate

I and Mrs HR are having a baby, however I'm fully onboard with it, with caveats.

Not only that but there's a high risk of developing Dementia as we age.

Two is easier than one. I wonder if your DH is able to appreciate that as he gets older, the children will be more likely to play together rather than needing to be played with

@spotcheck

Two is easier than one. I wonder if your DH is able to appreciate that as he gets older, the children will be more likely to play together rather than needing to be played with

Two teenagers are £££ and he will be retiring in 10 years. Doesn’t sound so easy to me. Let alone finding the energy to deal with two teens in your 60s!

No one has asked what would he like to do?
Maybe he has a dream in his head, a bucket list.

No, not allowed, thy must stay awake listening to a screaming baby.
Toddler yrs are fun, but babies, if they're a screamer are bloody awful.

@Hrpuffnstuff1

No one has asked what would he like to do? Maybe he has a dream in his head, a bucket list.

No, not allowed, thy must stay awake listening to a screaming baby.
Toddler yrs are fun, but babies, if they're a screamer are bloody awful.

That's fine if they were deciding whether or not to have another baby. Then he would have an equal say and indeed a veto, since no one should be forced to have more children than they want.

But this pregnancy already exists and so sort of trumps these plans. You can't really ask someone you profess to love to abort a baby against their wishes due to your dreams and 'bucket list'.

@3mealsaday but OP knew she always wanted more kids. Why did she continue? Let's be honest I don't think this was an accident.

He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant.

He's furious? As if he wasn't the one who actually impregnated you. FFS

Assuming this was a contraception failure, and not a deliberate sabotage on your part, he has no reason to be furious.

I agree he has to suck it up.
However, it's hardly the best situation for the family.

YANBU

Your body your choice
If he did not want the chance of pregnancy he should not have had sex with you

Sick of then crying about the consequences of their actions

Plain and simple

It's up to you but would you be willing to go ahead with it on your own? I think that is what you need to ask yourself. You can expect him to contribute financially if you go ahead but not emotionally when he is making it clear that he doesn't want this. It's a tough one. x

While I can understand the points of those saying it is unfair to have a child later on in life, I wouldn't make your decision based purely on your age. I had older parents (early and mid 40s when I was born), and they are in their mid 80s now and I still have them both still around, whereas I have friends whose parents had them in their 20s but have lost them, or are caring for them, through an illness that can strike at any age (one of the was only 57 when they passed ).

Similarly, I know a lady who had a child at 48 and she has more energy for the child than another lady I know who had hers at 31. It depends on the individual if someone feels they have the energy for a child or not.

If you live to old age, which hopefully is the case, while your children will go through having elderly parents and/or losing you earlier than others, they will still have had many happy years with you and also have each other. I am an only child and as I said, my parents are in their 80s, and elderly parents can cause much anxiety and worry. I often wish I had a brother or sister to share it with.

People who are mentioning relationships with parents and grandparents etc, I thought I'd give my perspective. I had lost all my grandparents by age 15 and don't feel I lost out massively. My parents were 33 and 35 when they had me. Lost my dad in my very late 30s. My mum is now gone too. My only remaining close relative is my sister and her family.

She is my best friend.

If your child would find a relationship with a sibling special or not, I don't know. But in terms of long term family your siblings are usually alive for most of your life and end up being your only surviving close family.

Personally, having had an 'only' child to age 9 and them adopting I think a sibling is special, even if they do not always get on!

But more than that you want this baby. If you do not continue with the pregnancy it would almost certainly drive a wedge between you and your child's father.

I'm assuming DH now plans to get the snip?

He chose to have sex with you so know the risks.He can't make you have an abortion. It's totally your choice. He can have an opinion not a choice.

He works in construction? I agree that he is unlikely to be able to work past 60. So please consider that you will be shouldering being the full-time breadwinner plus helping your aging husband plus raising teenagers, who are difficult and contentious when you are in your late 50s-60s.

If you want the baby, keep it!!

I think it's likely your relationship won't last, unfortunately but your body, your choice.

The thing I will take issue with is your comment " I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life."

My older brother is 3 years older than me and I cannot stand him. We've nothing in common and I'd be more likely to confide in a stranger on a bus than him.

Never assume siblings will like each other.

So thought I would drop an update, particularly as I really appreciated the support and encouragement from so many.

We have been talking so much these last 12 days since we found out. Turning point was last weekend, we went for a 2 hour walk and really got our feelings and opinions out there calmly and considerately. I had been sticking to my guns about why, and he could see I wasn’t changing my mind. Things were still a bit edgy during the week but the conversations got more positive. From “how”, to “if” to “when” types of talk. He has still been throwing in a lot of “we won’t be able to do X with two” or “my tinnitus won’t be able to cope with two of them screaming” or “you will be having to do all the nights by yourself”. Not helped that our son has been badly teething this week and up 3X a night!
Anyway, he went out yesterday with some old friends he hasn’t seen for ages, and he told them all, he didn’t tell them he was unhappy, and he actually accepted their congratulations, he also had a few saying they wished they could have more kids, which I think made him feel better too. So that was amazing progress! I was slightly annoyed he told people so early but it clearly means he is more at peace with the situation.

Just wanted to say thanks, and also a reminder that talking really helps. My previous relationship failed as we couldn’t talk. We even did counselling but didn’t even talk between sessions. I am really lucky now to have a man who shows his feelings and is so open, yes it meant I got the full force of his shock, unhappiness and fury at the start but now the dust has settled we have been able to debate, discuss and compromise. I see a positive future for us all and just hope the rest of this pregnancy goes well, still only 6 weeks so I know there is still huge risks.

Also p.s. yes he has now booked a GP appointment for a vasectomy - he told me he was too scared previously!