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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My OH doesn’t want this 2nd baby

189 replies

LB482 · 13/01/2022 12:04

We have just found out we have had an “accident” and we are divided on what to do.

For context we have a 2yo together and he has an adult son. I am 40 he is 50. I have a decent paid FT job and he is self employed builder and doesn’t think he has physical ability to do more than another 10 years. He also has mental health issues and tinnitus. We have no family close by to help and I lost my mum to cancer.

He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant. He doesn’t think he has the mental, physical or financial capability for another. He says our life is good now and it will be easier having just one. We won’t be divided going to hobbies or parties and still afford to do nice things and even send kid to private school if we wanted. Another would ruin all this and he is happy being a father of 2. He thinks it will ruin our relationship too. He also hates his own brother.

I desperately want another child. I want our child to grow up with a sibling. I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life. I love motherhood and want to have another child to love and cherish. I want a bigger family than we have now as we don’t have many others that we are close to, physically or emotionally.

I think I would resent my OH for life if he made me end this pregnancy but I know he may resent me and this child if it does all go horribly wrong and we ruin our relationship or happy family life we have now, or worse still have a disabled child (as we are both mature parents). I don’t know if I can even go through with the process of abortion it actually sickens me to think of it.

He is a constant worrier and thinks it will tip his anxiety over the edge.

AIBU if I carry on with this pregnancy?

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 13/01/2022 13:21

I don't get how he is furious about the pregnancy
As always, we don't know what conversations have been have and the circumstances. If OP had the coil or implant, within the timescale it is safe, and got pregnant, then indeed, he can feel hopeless but not angry with OP.

If OP was on the pill, but begged her OH to try for a baby, he said absolutely no, told her he was worried she might stop the pill and he would get the snip and she said she would never do that, but then got pregnant, you can see why he could be suspicious. If he found out that indeed, she stopped it, he would be totally justified to be furious.

We don't know the circumstances.

vivainsomnia · 13/01/2022 13:25

As others have said, if he truly didn’t want another child he should have taken steps to avoid it but he didn’t. He can’t be angry at anyone but himself now
Unless OP lied. Sadly, the desperation for a child can lead very honest women to lie and do anything to get pregnant. In that case, he isn't responsible. A married man should be able to trust his wife when she says she is using contraception properly.

So it really depends on whether if is a very fortunate/unfortunate accident of nature, or whether OP helped nature to make it happen.

Butchyrestingface · 13/01/2022 13:27

We have just found out we have had an “accident”


I desperately want another child.

I voted YABU. Not because I think you should have an abortion - I definitely don't think you should do that if you don't want to.

But the above statements and your failure to disclose HOW this "accident" occurred (you are not obliged to do this obviously but most posters usually do) might lead people to believe this was a planned pregnancy on your part.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/01/2022 13:27

He has a point. He is 50 and not well. If I'd had a baby at 50 (not possible) I'd have completely freaked.
People always have a siblings "for" there existing baby but I know many siblings who never see each other at all. You should only have a baby if it is wanted for itself and for no other reason.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 13/01/2022 13:27

You shouldn't ever have an abortion you do not want. As for him being "furious" you're pregnant that's really quite worrying. What exactly is he "furious" about? Because unless it's at himself for not getting a vasectomy, using a condom, or abstaining from any sexual contact where the sperm can meet the egg then he sounds both unintelligent and not a good guy, partner, or father. Unless you have lied to him then whatever contraception or lack of contraception you were using was a joint choice. He could have said he didn't agree with what you were using and, if he was this sure he didn't want another baby and knowing that no contraception is 100 %, he could have got a vasectomy or abstained from some sexual acts. He had choices. But he kept having sex with you, either unprotected or using a form of protection that he knew wasn't foolproof, and is now angry that sex has made a child? Unfortunately for him that's how it works, he's had his time to make choices to stop it happening and he didn't. None of the choices he has left now are ones where be can make or guilt you into an abortion youdont want. He doesn't get a choice in whether you have a procedure on your body so that he can have sex as a recreational sport where he doesn't need to worry about it because he thinks it's your job and if you "get yourself pregnant" you'll just have have procedure on your body, when he wouldn't have one on himself even though he was sure he didn't want any more children. OP, your relationship will be damaged anyway if you have an abortion you don't want. No way should you do this just for him when it's not what you want. Have your baby because you want to and have a think about whether a man who treats you like this and thinks like this is really a partner you want anyway, because if he treats you like this over something where you need him so much then he isn't much of a partner.

billy1966 · 13/01/2022 13:28

YANBU.

Do NOT be forced into an abortion EVER.

I can understand his upset, BUT....
separate if you have to, but do NOT abort.

IMO, there is NO getting over a pressurised abortion.

You will resent him forever and your relationship will likely end anyway.

Obviously that's only one opinion.

Start looking at your finances and see can you do this alone and if you can, then plan to do so.

But don't abort a baby you desperately want in these circumstances.
Flowers

AutumnLeaves21 · 13/01/2022 13:28

HE 👏 COULD 👏 HAVE 👏 WORN 👏 A 👏 CONDOM

Zombiemum1946 · 13/01/2022 13:31

I think you know the answer. Tell him your decision to keep the baby, and that he needs to make his choice. As others have said, he should have got the snip. Your 2 yr will be going to nursery when you have this one, that'll give you some breathing space with the new born. Yes it's exhausting,I had my youngest at 38 . There were all sorts of other stress going on but you get through it. If you can afford it, get childcare to take the edge off. When it comes to abortion this has to be about you, not him.

secular39 · 13/01/2022 13:31

It's your choice OP. Neither party is wrong and the decision lies solely with you.

At the same time, I really don't blame his reaction as I would no way want another child, at 50, when I already have an adult son and a two year old. God knows I wouldn't.

dreamingbohemian · 13/01/2022 13:33

OP it might help to consider the decision has been made really, if you cannot go through with an abortion then you're having the baby, end of.

So it's up to your DH how he wants to deal with it. I think he's allowed to panic and be upset for a while, his reasons are valid, maybe he just needs to get it all out and then he'll come around.

But it's possible that your relationship will end over this. There's not much you can do about it if he's determined to be resentful and unsupportive. It will not be your fault.

Lockheart · 13/01/2022 13:33

@AutumnLeaves21

HE 👏 COULD 👏 HAVE 👏 WORN 👏 A 👏 CONDOM
WE 👏 DONT 👏 KNOW 👏 THAT 👏 HE 👏 DIDNT

OP hasn't explained what contraception was used yet.

PrincessNutella · 13/01/2022 13:33

You desperately wanted one.He was very clear he didn't want one. In most circumstance, I would be far more sympathetic to your position, and even now I think he owes you financial support, because that is for the benefit of the child. But in this case, I feel far more sympathy for him than I do for you, since I am aware that accidents could happen for either party and sex is a normal activity for adults. This is a disastrous outcome for an older man in bad health who did not want another child and who will be 70 when the child turns 20. If he has mental health issues, it really could be too much for him to handle.

Dahlietta · 13/01/2022 13:34

One thing that leaps out at me is that if you could probably afford to send one to private school, then you can definitely afford two at state school!
If you desperately want this baby, you will absolutely resent him if you have an abortion. Do you think there's a chance that he's just panicking?

JustWonderingIfYou · 13/01/2022 13:34

Its your choice. Personally I wouldn't have a baby with a 50year old, especially one with all of his issues but then you've already had one with him.

BrandNewFor2022 · 13/01/2022 13:35

@AutumnLeaves21

HE 👏 COULD 👏 HAVE 👏 WORN 👏 A 👏 CONDOM
Apologies if I've missed it, but I don't see where the OP says he wasn't wearing a condom? Maybe he was, and it's failed and now he's pissed off.

Granted it's unlikely, but still.

BrandNewFor2022 · 13/01/2022 13:36

Cross posted with @Lockheart there Smile

Lavender24 · 13/01/2022 13:36

He's furious? Well you didn't get yourself pregnant did you? So YANBU unless you deliberately sabotaged contraception/lied to him. I think you already know you aren't going to abort and also he can't "make" you end the pregnancy. Sounds like a very tough situation and I hope you can all come to terms with it. How far along are you?

Gilly12345 · 13/01/2022 13:37

Are you married?

Do YOU want to keep the baby?

Would you separate if you couldn’t agree?

Good luck 💐💐

Runkle · 13/01/2022 13:37

Your body, your choice. I can't believe how flippantly this has been out out to a vote though Confused maybe you could ask for it to be moved to 'Pregnancy Choices' for more appropriate support.

MissNothing1991 · 13/01/2022 13:38

The first thing my ex said when I told him I was pregnant was that I should consider an abortion. And he made it pretty adamant that he wanted me to have one.

I didn't, and I stupidly stayed with him until he walked out when our child was 15 months old. I'm glad he did leave if I'm being honest. He no longer has contact with our child, avoids paying maintenance. Despite this, I know if I had had an abortion as he wanted, with that relationship destined to end anyway, I would never have forgiven myself for letting him coerce me into it.

If you have any doubt, I wouldn't do it. Genuinely.

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 13:41

Yabu

You wanted another child, so this 'accident' line doesn't quite wash

Also even if this was a genuine contraception fail, you'd have been wanting another child regardless which he was clear he didn't want.

You set yourself up for failure in this aspect. You want more than one, he doesn't.

If you think you'd resent him to the point you'd no longer be happy married if you had an abortion, keep the child and accept your marriage might breakdown and accept the consequences of that on all involved.

Or abort, accept you are just having the one and maintain your current family set up

Ileflottante · 13/01/2022 13:41

We have just found out we have had an “accident” and we are divided on what to do.

The inverted commas suggests it wasn’t an accident, FYI.

Agree with previous poster who says either way it sounds your relationship is done. An expensive accident.

MrsPotatoHead22 · 13/01/2022 13:44

"Accident" ??

VelvetChairGirl · 13/01/2022 13:46

You need to decide whats most important you having another child or having him, you cant force someone to be a parent.

Rno3gfr · 13/01/2022 13:47

Accidents happen. I think it would be unreasonable for him to expect you to terminate a baby you actually want. If you’ve got a 2 year old then all the baby/toddler difficulties will pass by soon enough, it’s not as if you have a 6+ year age gap and you’re starting again. If you can afford private school then money obviously isn’t an issue, just send them to state school if you need to- it’s not a disaster is it?