My OH doesn’t want this 2nd baby

[LB482]

We have just found out we have had an “accident” and we are divided on what to do.

For context we have a 2yo together and he has an adult son. I am 40 he is 50. I have a decent paid FT job and he is self employed builder and doesn’t think he has physical ability to do more than another 10 years. He also has mental health issues and tinnitus. We have no family close by to help and I lost my mum to cancer.

He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant. He doesn’t think he has the mental, physical or financial capability for another. He says our life is good now and it will be easier having just one. We won’t be divided going to hobbies or parties and still afford to do nice things and even send kid to private school if we wanted. Another would ruin all this and he is happy being a father of 2. He thinks it will ruin our relationship too. He also hates his own brother.

I desperately want another child. I want our child to grow up with a sibling. I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life. I love motherhood and want to have another child to love and cherish. I want a bigger family than we have now as we don’t have many others that we are close to, physically or emotionally.

I think I would resent my OH for life if he made me end this pregnancy but I know he may resent me and this child if it does all go horribly wrong and we ruin our relationship or happy family life we have now, or worse still have a disabled child (as we are both mature parents). I don’t know if I can even go through with the process of abortion it actually sickens me to think of it.

He is a constant worrier and thinks it will tip his anxiety over the edge.

AIBU if I carry on with this pregnancy?

Great update 😊 I hope it continues to go well for you

Excellent updat. Brilliant.

Great news, glad to hear he's coming round

A vasectomy isn't 100% anyway a guy I knew had and it didn't work he still had a kid

Do what you feel OP.

You're pregnant.You say yourself you desperately want the baby.

Think about how you would feel terminating because of what DH wants. How resentful/gutted would you feel? Would you even be able to continue the relationship? Many times when someone has an unwanted termination for the relationship, the relationship can't survive.

Just seen your update. Congrats!

How are you? Are things settling ok?

He might come round and, even if he doesn’t no-one can (or should be able to) make you abort your own child.

If I were you and felt the way you do, I would definitely continue with the pregnancy. Even if you lose OH, you will gain a new family member. Disability is a bit more likely but there are many, many women aged 40 plus who have had children without any issues.

Ah, just saw your update. Sounds like all will be ok, OP.

I don’t think this is a great update, you basically forced his hand?! You basically manipulated him and sound over the moon now that you’e coerced him in doing what you wanted. Anyway I hope it all works out for you.

Gosh, if ONLY there was a method of permanent contraception for men who’d completed their families eh? I bet they’d all use it wouldn’t they?

What a knob.

@Fluffycloudland77

Gosh, if ONLY there was a method of permanent contraception for men who’d completed their families eh? I bet they’d all use it wouldn’t they?

What a knob.

RTFT

"He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant."
Presumably he chose not to have a vasectomy after the birth of your first child. He chose to still be capable of fathering a child. He chose not to take responsibility for his fertility. He can take his 'fury' and stick it up is arse where it belongs.

Bottom line, you want this child and he doesn't. You are correct that you will resent him if he made you end this pregnancy. Luckily - he can't. He can't physically force you, so by 'make you' he can only use emotional pressure, which he has clearly started (his manufactured fury, his claim that he hasn't "the mental, physical or financial capability for another" ).

"He has always said one child only ... Another would ruin all this and he is happy being a father of 2. He thinks it will ruin our relationship too"
He is happy being a father of two, but he doesn't want you to be the mother of two. Bit hypocritical. As for ruining the relationship - he's already done that himself.

So your choice is between staying with him and terminating your pregnancy, and the resentment growing and growing; or leaving him and having two children.

Personally I'd choose the second option.