My OH doesn’t want this 2nd baby

[LB482]

We have just found out we have had an “accident” and we are divided on what to do.

For context we have a 2yo together and he has an adult son. I am 40 he is 50. I have a decent paid FT job and he is self employed builder and doesn’t think he has physical ability to do more than another 10 years. He also has mental health issues and tinnitus. We have no family close by to help and I lost my mum to cancer.

He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant. He doesn’t think he has the mental, physical or financial capability for another. He says our life is good now and it will be easier having just one. We won’t be divided going to hobbies or parties and still afford to do nice things and even send kid to private school if we wanted. Another would ruin all this and he is happy being a father of 2. He thinks it will ruin our relationship too. He also hates his own brother.

I desperately want another child. I want our child to grow up with a sibling. I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life. I love motherhood and want to have another child to love and cherish. I want a bigger family than we have now as we don’t have many others that we are close to, physically or emotionally.

I think I would resent my OH for life if he made me end this pregnancy but I know he may resent me and this child if it does all go horribly wrong and we ruin our relationship or happy family life we have now, or worse still have a disabled child (as we are both mature parents). I don’t know if I can even go through with the process of abortion it actually sickens me to think of it.

He is a constant worrier and thinks it will tip his anxiety over the edge.

AIBU if I carry on with this pregnancy?

@Staryflight445

Yanbu but his reaction and relentless only caring about himself would be the breaker of a relationship for a lot of people.

It’s all about him. Selfish git.

This isn't true though as he stated he wanted one. I agree with the other poster if OP knew SHE wanted more children why did she stay? It doesn't sound like an "accident"

I read the “accident” as op being reluctant to call her potential child a mistake.

I would say it's your decision now - definitely- however he's right to be saying it's a lot harder work and a financial commitment and he's 50 so I do understand what his fears are.

I would be thinking in terms of I would really want the baby and if needs be would I be happy to go it alone if it really did cause such issues. Totally your decision. I would always have wanted to have two as well - tricky with him feeling probably that he already has one other.

@Piggyk2

He also has mental health issues and tinnitus.

Did posters bypass this and just side with OP?

I'm leaning towards her OH on this.... her OH stated that he ONLY wanted one DC and OP has said she always wanted a sibling for her DC.

If the decision was whether to have another child, I'd agree with you. But it's not... it's whether to abort an existing pregnancy.

He is being totally unreasonable to be "furious". Presumably he consentually had sex, so he doesn't get to act like it is your fault now.

The choice about whether to keep the baby is 100% yours as the baby is in your body.

Personally there is no way I'd get over being pressured I to having an abortion I didn't want, so the situation would be he makes a go of it with the new baby, or you split and have the baby as a single parent. But there is of course nothing wrong with having an abortion if that is what you want to do.

He sounds like a horrible partner though, treating you like this.

It sounds like he is concerned about his age/health negatively impacting his ability to care for and provide for another child. Which is actually very reasonable

He involved is he in actually caring for the 2 year old OP?

Because when he is worrying about having to “split time” across clubs and parties it sounds awfully to me like “I might have to get involved”.

@BoredZelda well if he’s not involved with the current one then why on earth would she want to have another one with him?!

My Dad was 45 when I was born (my Mum was 40). They were tired, unable to run around with us and we were bored senseless. Inevitably, all the kids at school presumed they were my grandparents!
I then lost my Dad in my early twenties and have never full got over it as I was so young at the time. I don't think it's fair at all.

I say this from lived experience - having a baby at this age is selfish. Just my opinion

@LB482 You're making this all about what YOU want, rather than about what is right & fair for the child.

Will the relationship survive either way, he tells you to get an abortion, you resent him forever more. Why would you abort when you desperately want another? I think you need to consider your future with him.

An “accident” but you’re “desperate for another child”? Do you use contraception? Did you “forget” to take a pill? He’s rather old to be a father. He’s the same age as my dad and I’m in my mid 20s. I’m not surprised he’s not happy. However, he should’ve had a vasectomy whilst you were pregnant with your dc.

@AutumnLeaves21

HE 👏 COULD 👏 HAVE 👏 WORN 👏 A 👏 CONDOM

THEY ARE SHIT SHIT AND NOT FOOLPROOF ANYWAY.

'He doesn’t think he has the mental, physical or financial capability for another'. He's 50 in a job that is demanding. A baby and all the trimmings are going to put a serious strain on your relationship.
This is a mess, you're both in for a rocky ride, I'd expect a split sometime down the lines.

Thank you for the, mostly, kind and considered comments. It has all been such a head-spin of emotions and thoughts these last few days and the advice is really welcome. Our relationship is really strong right now but of course the early months with newborn sleep deprivation challenges anyone and that I think is what scares us most. Neither of us wants to part ways as we have both found each other after less successful relationships and we know we make each other very happy. Our child is a joy to us both and was so very longed for. We love being parents, which makes this such a difficult position to be in as I feel we could give another child such a loving secure and happy life but he has his concerns that it will be too much. We are still talking but finding it difficult to appreciate the others POV right now. We both agree we have never been in such a difficult position before in our lives.

To address a few criticisms…yes it was an accident, I won’t go into our personal life details. I just had to “name” what this is without labelling it something awful like a “mistake”. Whilst I had suppressed maternal desire for another child, as I dearly love my partner and knew what I was getting into, of course emotions and hormones make your feelings heightened and my now longing for a sibling has surfaced. He is a fantastic dad and partner, does more than 50:50 share of housework, cooking, shopping, parenting etc, I couldn’t be with a better person in that regard. He just wants us to continue doing things as a couple and family and not be split in different directions. I am a fit 40yo who runs 3x a week and he is not old in the head either, I could never have imagined my dad dressing fashionably! I lost my mum in my twenties too so I know what it’s like to lose a parent young, it is devastating, but you can’t predict life, my grandparents all lives into their nineties! I would like to think my parenting is not compromised by age.

Thank you 💐

People are saying about condoms

How many of you use condoms in your relationship? Isn't that why people use birth control, so they don't have to use condoms?

It's reasonable to assume pregnancy would be avoided, even if there is a minute chance.

We don't know if any tampering has gone on, given op really wanted another baby. I get it, it's not something one can easily let go of, but it's not fair either.

I think you have to go for it.
I'm pro-choice, but in this instance I personally don't think it's the correct moral choice to abort.
He got together with a childless woman 10 years younger than him - it's not crazy yo think you might have wanted children - he has 2 children, why aren't you allowed the same?
Yes he could have had a vasectomy, but he didn't and now he wants you to have a medical procedure because he couldn't be bothered/didn't want to go through it - nah!

No one can predict what will happen to your relationship 2nd child or not. You are very likely (if you stay together) to be widowed (due to the age gap and life expectancy of a blue-worker man) and live possibly decades without him. I'm pretty sure during those years you will be especially pleased you kept your wanted 2nd child.
Look at the bigger picture is my advice (plus your are already pregnant)

Whether you keep the baby or have an abortion, the relationship is very likely over. Have the baby if that's what you want, just do so with your eyes wide open, knowing that chances are high you'll be a single parent.

Absolutely this. Would you be able to stay in your current home if your relationship ended? Would you be able to support two children financially on your own, given that your OH may well be retiring years before they start secondary school and that you will be unlikely to see much in the way of maintenance then?

But ultimately, it's your body and your choice.

OP - I was in my early 40s and my partner in his early 50s when we had DC4 who is now 20. It was fine. Neither you nor your partner is too old and as your current DC is only 2 all you are really talking about is an extra 3 years with dependent DCs

It sounds like.you want the baby, and if you do then you should do what you want to do. Even although the baby is his too and the decision should be 50/50, one of you is going to have to back down, and you have emotionally more to lose than him as it is your body.

You would probably resent him if you have an abortion, and if you ever split up then you'll always have your child, but otherwise, you won't have your dh or the child..

Sorry, I am not a pro lifer, although I know I probably sound like one. If you were saying you wanted to terminate, I'd be offering support and advice based on that. I just feel strongly about situations where women want to have their baby but their partner wants a termination. The poor woman has to live with it for the rest of their life just because their partner didn't want the child. I feel for anyone who has experienced this.

I can't help but feel his reasoning for it is influenced by his own relationship with a sibling.

It is your choice. I would keep the baby and lose the husband.

@Lb482

Thank you for the, mostly, kind and considered comments. It has all been such a head-spin of emotions and thoughts these last few days and the advice is really welcome. Our relationship is really strong right now but of course the early months with newborn sleep deprivation challenges anyone and that I think is what scares us most. Neither of us wants to part ways as we have both found each other after less successful relationships and we know we make each other very happy. Our child is a joy to us both and was so very longed for. We love being parents, which makes this such a difficult position to be in as I feel we could give another child such a loving secure and happy life but he has his concerns that it will be too much. We are still talking but finding it difficult to appreciate the others POV right now. We both agree we have never been in such a difficult position before in our lives.

To address a few criticisms…yes it was an accident, I won’t go into our personal life details. I just had to “name” what this is without labelling it something awful like a “mistake”. Whilst I had suppressed maternal desire for another child, as I dearly love my partner and knew what I was getting into, of course emotions and hormones make your feelings heightened and my now longing for a sibling has surfaced. He is a fantastic dad and partner, does more than 50:50 share of housework, cooking, shopping, parenting etc, I couldn’t be with a better person in that regard. He just wants us to continue doing things as a couple and family and not be split in different directions. I am a fit 40yo who runs 3x a week and he is not old in the head either, I could never have imagined my dad dressing fashionably! I lost my mum in my twenties too so I know what it’s like to lose a parent young, it is devastating, but you can’t predict life, my grandparents all lives into their nineties! I would like to think my parenting is not compromised by age.

Thank you 💐

My parents were both fit & healthy! That's how they conceived so late. Unfortunately age affects all bodies, regardless of whether they run or are "old in the head" Your husband would be 71/72 when this child turns 21! Unless he miraculously does live into his eighties or nineties then there's a very good chance the child will indeed lose their father in their twenties....

Also the issues weren't just physical. The 40 & 45 year age difference meant we were just so so different in far, far too many ways.
We didn't have fun together. I thoroughly believe you need to be able to relate in some ways with your child and have fun (alongside the discipline of course) with them and that this is not possible with such a vast amount of an age difference.

I go crawling around the soft play frame and bouncing on the trampolines at the trampoline park with my child. There's no way that's going to be viable for a parent in their 50s.

I remember going on a week long school trip in Year 6. My Mum was turning 50 and I'd decided to use my spending money on buying a present for my mum. The teachers thought this was lovely and gave me a prize/recognition of some sort, in front of the class & when asked why I'd bought my mum a present, I of course said it was because it was her 50th and I'll never forget the entire class' sudden intake of breath like 😲😲😲😲😲 followed by two kids saying "My grandma's not even 50...." I then got asked by the boy next to me if she was secretly my great grandma. I was thoroughly humiliated and wished I'd not told anyone. I was bullied for it for weeks & weeks afterwards.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, just giving my experience to make you aware of how it can turn out.

I wish my parents had thought about all this before having me. All they knew was that they^^ wanted a baby.........

@GrannytoaUnicorn but if your parents has thought about it and then had an abortion (as the OP is having to think about) then you wouldn't be here, would you? Do you actually wish they had made that choice?

I think the average age of parents is more than it was a generation ago.

Grandparents under 50 at age 11? That means they became grandparents age 39 so both generations had kids at 19 / 20? That's very young. Lots of people are early to mid 30s these days for their first child.

It's a bit of a no win situation in terms of ur relationship. If you don't have the baby you will resent him and no doubt your relationship will not survive it.

However if u have the baby he will resent you for it too and you might be left a single parent.

I will add though I was shocked going from 1 to 2 as to how much harder it is. You've also said u have no family help. So be prepared for that and possibly doing it on ur own.

My first was 2 1/2 when second was born. She's now just turned 2 and it's getting easier but still hard work. I'd probably have another though if I got pregnant by accident as I don't think I cld terminate but would consider it. In your shoes I'd go ahead with the pregnancy.

Absolutely crazy to mention his age and whether he will die young or not.
There are no guaranteed in life for anyone of either age.

Oh for gods sake the child might lose their father in their twenties. Even if they do they have had a good father for twenty years or more it's more than some people get.

Friend is early 70s and has two children in their twenties and has a great relationship with both of them.

Seeing your update I would say go ahead with the pregnancy. If he's as good a dad as you say he is then he'll come round. None of it is ideal but it is what it is and while I personally wouldn't hesitate to have an abortion (and have had while married and with existing DC) I do t think it would be the right choice for you and you may be left with a lifetime of regret. He's fearful now understandably but it's not like you've been out of the baby stage for years and are heading back in, you will manage. If your relationship is as strong as you say then you will get through this. Talk to him, acknowledging his fears but ultimately tell him that a termination is not an option for you but you hope he will come to support your decision.

Best of luck