My OH doesn’t want this 2nd baby

[LB482]

We have just found out we have had an “accident” and we are divided on what to do.

For context we have a 2yo together and he has an adult son. I am 40 he is 50. I have a decent paid FT job and he is self employed builder and doesn’t think he has physical ability to do more than another 10 years. He also has mental health issues and tinnitus. We have no family close by to help and I lost my mum to cancer.

He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant. He doesn’t think he has the mental, physical or financial capability for another. He says our life is good now and it will be easier having just one. We won’t be divided going to hobbies or parties and still afford to do nice things and even send kid to private school if we wanted. Another would ruin all this and he is happy being a father of 2. He thinks it will ruin our relationship too. He also hates his own brother.

I desperately want another child. I want our child to grow up with a sibling. I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life. I love motherhood and want to have another child to love and cherish. I want a bigger family than we have now as we don’t have many others that we are close to, physically or emotionally.

I think I would resent my OH for life if he made me end this pregnancy but I know he may resent me and this child if it does all go horribly wrong and we ruin our relationship or happy family life we have now, or worse still have a disabled child (as we are both mature parents). I don’t know if I can even go through with the process of abortion it actually sickens me to think of it.

He is a constant worrier and thinks it will tip his anxiety over the edge.

AIBU if I carry on with this pregnancy?

FGS don't get a termination. You want the baby totally - you are not even confused about it. There's no point - you either possibly lose your relationship because it won't survive the baby, or you definitely 100% lose your relationship and also your happiness long term because it DEFINITELY won't survive a termination in these circumstances - he doesn't want the stress and he's a worrier and oh what about rpivate school?! Fuck that. He only wanted one? He should have had a vasectomy.

Honestly, the picture you paint of this guy ten years your senior makes it sound as if there are lots and lots of reasons to forge ahead with what YOU want for your life, NOT prioritise what he wants.

Three years is an average, perfect age gap for siblings (don't know wtf previous poster was on about). You want this baby, you wouldn't forgive him so you may as well just lose him than lose both.

Don't have a termination. It is NOT the right decision for you.

His reasons are also pretty skewed. Yes, it's a huge extra commitment... but you work FT, you're already going to be in the childcare years for another decade anyway, with a two year old? And fuck private school?! That's not even a great aim to have! - certainly, I would much rather my child have, as a major influence in their life, a sibling they could potentially grow up close with and have into adulthood than a bloody private education.

Irrespective whose fault it was you are pregnant (both of you in most cases) I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy in your situation. Your child doesnt need a sibling, it is you who want another baby. You DH is no spring chicken, he is in a very physical work and might not even have another 10 years. This decision might impact your existing child more than you think.

"I desperately want another child. I want our child to grow up with a sibling. I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life. I love motherhood and want to have another child to love and cherish. I want a bigger family than we have now as we don’t have many others that we are close to, physically or emotionally."

Were you thinking this before you your first child?

If so, I don't know why you stayed with and made a baby consciously with someone who "has always said one child only"

Is he just a boyfriend? So there’s no legal protections in place for you. Make plans for life as a single parent, his incredibly old sperm could have defects that could impact the foetus. Plan your future and day to day life as a single parent to two kids.

Your boyfriend does not get to be furious at anyone but himself, if he stopped ejaculating in to women he would not find himself in this position.

Yanbu
You want the baby no doubt in your mind.
His reasons are his own but saying it will ruin his life and add more years of stress is bullshit when there's only 2 years between them they will grow up around the same time. However you do have to have your head screwed on and understand you may likely be about to become a single mother to two small children. Make sure you have finances and a support network sorted out.

@Iwonder08

Irrespective whose fault it was you are pregnant (both of you in most cases) I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy in your situation. Your child doesnt need a sibling, it is you who want another baby. You DH is no spring chicken, he is in a very physical work and might not even have another 10 years. This decision might impact your existing child more than you think.

This is the truth.

What happens when this baby is 2, OP - will you want another one? Probably - why wouldn't you if you want this one? Where is the money coming from? Your OH will be lucky to work until 60 in that profession then he may have THIRTY more years left of not working, much of it in bad health!
He can't do much childcare if he has tinnitus and mental illness anyway.

He will be 68 before this child leaves home. Have you thought about that OP?

"his incredibly old sperm could have defects that could impact the foetus" - What an spiteful, nasty thing to say @NowEvenBetter. You feel good about yourself now?

YANBU your body, your choice

Either way the relationship may end, he may go as he doesn’t want another, you may go as he forced you to have a termination you didn’t want

Therefore your choice takes priority

Remind him if he didn’t want another he should have had a vasectomy

He will be 68 before this child leaves home. Have you thought about that OP?

Irrelevant. He doesn't have to stay in the relationship and raise it 50/50 if he chooses to back out. What he doesn't get to be is "furious" about something he knows is a possibility from sex that he chose to partake in.

@NowEvenBetter

Is he just a boyfriend? So there’s no legal protections in place for you. Make plans for life as a single parent, his incredibly old sperm could have defects that could impact the foetus. Plan your future and day to day life as a single parent to two kids.

Your boyfriend does not get to be furious at anyone but himself, if he stopped ejaculating in to women he would not find himself in this position.

You feeling alright?

OP, did you get pregnant deliberately? i.e. did you tell your boyfriend you were using contraception (pill, IUD) and then not? Your OP reads like that. I'd be furious if someone I was meant to be in a loving, respectful, honest relationship with did that to me.

Does he know how babies are made? If so, he know the options to prevent it. He chose not to.

Either way, your body, your choice. There are 3 years between my sister and and I and we get in like a house on fire.

Whether you keep the baby or have an abortion, the relationship is very likely over. Have the baby if that's what you want, just do so with your eyes wide open, knowing that chances are high you'll be a single parent.

Everything else aside I think this is the best advice on this board. It sounds like no matter what one of you will go on to resent the other. And if you have the child and he becomes unengaged with it and family life i'm sure you will resent him for that too. Given your longing for a second child whether this was actually an accident or not will always play on his mind and the trust in your relationship will be gone.

It's a shit situation and there is sadly no good choice or answer. You have to decide what you want and what's most important to you. No one can give you answers. We can spell out possible outcomes but only you can decide.

Is 'keeping' him worth aborting this wanted child for? Will you resent him for the abortion so break up anyway? In which case you may as well have had the child and you didn't stay together anyway. Or do you think you can get over an abortion? If this child (having it or not) will end your marriage are you prepared to be a single parent to 2 children? Are you prepared that if you split up you H may only want contact with the first child and not the second he didn't want in the first place? Can you handle the emotional fall out of it all?

Keep the baby. He will either come around or he won't but you'd resent him if you terminate.

It's a rubbish position to be in, especially bc you have a 2yo which is never easy but overall I'd keep the baby. Do not worry about private schools and Uni, that's years away. Try and take things easy, tell your OH you want the baby and be ready to become a single parent should it come to that.

Accidents are rarely that. It usually just means you've been irresponsible (I'm not judging - it's how all my pregnancies came to be!) so he was obviously a willing participant in the unprotected sex I assume? In which case he really has no right to be "furious". At the same time in these circumstances I think I personally would terminate. 50 is really old to have a newborn when you're not really wanting it in the first place.

Of course it's your body and your choice ultimately and if you really want another child then go ahead but venture forward in the knowledge you may end up doing it single-handedly and make contingencies for that. Also be warned that if that does happen two children is vastly more difficult to manage than one. Actually you should be aware of that whether your marriage survives or not - it's a much less stressful existence being a parent of one child.

If he was certain he was done having children, he should have gotten a vasectomy. Now that this unplanned pregnancy has occurred, has he scheduled one?

@Wiredforsound - if two people in a committed relationship have had a conversation and agreed an approach to contraception, and then one of those people breaks that trust (doesn't take their pill, doesn't put a condom on) because they want a child, that is a MASSIVE breach of trust. The other party shouldn't have to double up on contraception in case their partner is deliberately lying to get their own way.

YANBU

If you want the baby, keep the baby. It’s your body, and the baby is your flesh and blood. If you had a termination, you will always wonder what if, and will probably regret it for the rest of your life! Men come and go, but a mother’s love for their children is something else entirely!

@StepAwayFromGoogling

"his incredibly old sperm could have defects that could impact the foetus" - What an spiteful, nasty thing to say *@NowEvenBetter*. You feel good about yourself now?

It’s literally just science, not being ‘nasty’.

Don’t have a termination you don’t want, you’ll feel terrible.

He will cope with it. A bit silly to be furious about getting you pregnant though.

@Butchyrestingface grand, yeah. Not sure why you’re asking.

he was obviously a willing participant in the unprotected sex I assume?

Best not to assume really, since we simply don't know ...

Your situation OP is not dissimilar to my own, both my younger DDs from my second marriage were conceived when DH was in his Late 40s, with a 2 year gap between the pregnancies, and after a failed IUD with our 2nd Daughter.

Likewise, DH was rather concerned regards the consequences of having a young baby at 50yrs old, but once she arrived, and he settled into being a Dad of 2, plus an adult son of his own as well from his first marriage, he was thrilled, and now as he Approaches his 80th Birthday, being much older than me, he’s also a proud Grandad as well, with 4 Grandaughters, one Grandson, and a bump due this Summer!
He says looking back he would not change a thing, they have brought him much Happiness, and gave him a new hobby well into retirement, helping with School runs and making things for them after a lifetimes skills in the building trade working as a skilled craftsman and Joiner!