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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My OH doesn’t want this 2nd baby

189 replies

LB482 · 13/01/2022 12:04

We have just found out we have had an “accident” and we are divided on what to do.

For context we have a 2yo together and he has an adult son. I am 40 he is 50. I have a decent paid FT job and he is self employed builder and doesn’t think he has physical ability to do more than another 10 years. He also has mental health issues and tinnitus. We have no family close by to help and I lost my mum to cancer.

He has always said one child only, and is furious that I am pregnant. He doesn’t think he has the mental, physical or financial capability for another. He says our life is good now and it will be easier having just one. We won’t be divided going to hobbies or parties and still afford to do nice things and even send kid to private school if we wanted. Another would ruin all this and he is happy being a father of 2. He thinks it will ruin our relationship too. He also hates his own brother.

I desperately want another child. I want our child to grow up with a sibling. I may not be close to my own brother but I want the opportunity for our child to have a playmate in childhood (he has a much older half brother which I don’t think is the same) and confidante for life. I love motherhood and want to have another child to love and cherish. I want a bigger family than we have now as we don’t have many others that we are close to, physically or emotionally.

I think I would resent my OH for life if he made me end this pregnancy but I know he may resent me and this child if it does all go horribly wrong and we ruin our relationship or happy family life we have now, or worse still have a disabled child (as we are both mature parents). I don’t know if I can even go through with the process of abortion it actually sickens me to think of it.

He is a constant worrier and thinks it will tip his anxiety over the edge.

AIBU if I carry on with this pregnancy?

OP posts:
trickytimes · 13/01/2022 13:49

If I had to choose between having my brother or going to private school then I’d choose my brother!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2022 13:50

What contraception were you using?

Puddington · 13/01/2022 13:51

Barring a big drip feed about how he was happy to use no protection whatsoever, I think the husband is getting a bit of a hard time tbh. Accidents happen (again, barring a drip feed that "accident" was in quotes for a reason!) even if you're being careful and God knows I wouldn't want to be starting over at the baby stage again at age 50 and with health problems. Of course it is ENTIRELY your choice, but I think you're right that either you keep it and he's resentful, or you abort and you're resentful.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 13/01/2022 13:52

For context we have a 2yo together and he has an adult son. I am 40 he is 50. I have a decent paid FT job and he is self employed builder and doesn’t think he has physical ability to do more than another 10 years.

So you're going to be left to fund your then-12-yo through her teens, uni fees, possibly some money for a house deposit on your own, as he won't be working? 🤔

He has no say over whether you keep your second child. If he really didn't want more than 2 himself, he should have had a vasectomy when you were pregnant the first time.

Laiste · 13/01/2022 13:52

If i've read this right your only child together is still only 2 years old?

Some of his reasons are strange as your life is going to be dominated by being a parent of a young one for the next 8 years anyway ...

Flowers to you OP.

From what you've said the relationship is in trouble either way. You can get over a split or find a way to cope between you.

You can't heal the pain of a regretted abortion as easily. Think very hard.

Fraternaltwin · 13/01/2022 13:57

I think you’re over fantasising about siblings. They may hate each other and not even get on as adults.

@Bucanarab I totally agree with your viewpoint.

I would feel sorry for anyone being forced to have a child, or being forced to terminate a pregnancy. It should be a decision you make together as to how you proceed. I can’t imagine any fifty year old wanting another baby though. You’re starting to get your life back at that point. His arguments for not having another baby are sound. He sounds sensible.

Not an enviable position for either of you to be in. Hopefully you can talk it through and come to a mutual decision,which doesn’t involve one party being forced to do something they don’t want to do.

vivainsomnia · 13/01/2022 14:00

It could be "accident" in that OP doesn't want to refer to that word for her unborn baby but it is indeed more usually used to imply that the accident wasn't one of nature.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/01/2022 14:01

Another one wondering why you wrote "accident", especially with saying you were desperate for another child

A genuine accident within a trusting relationship where contraception's been properly discussed is one thing, but there are other scenarios and it's impossible to answer your AIBU without knowing which it is

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 14:01

@trickytimes

If I had to choose between having my brother or going to private school then I’d choose my brother!!
You presumably already have this brother therefore a bit of an odd thing to comment.
StellaGibson118 · 13/01/2022 14:04

No. If I'm honest, I would sacrifice my marriage for a baby rather than the other way around.

SocialConnection · 13/01/2022 14:14

He's terrified. At 50, in poor mental health, concerned about his physical health, and ability to earn, and there's been an 'accident' with a 'desperate' partner. He must feel helpless.

If he's that set against it that he's pressurising for a termination, and you do it, you'll have lost the longed for baby, never forgive him, and the relationship will be shattered.

And if you're insistent and keep the baby he'll either resent the baby and you and favour the elder two ...

Or - as can happen - he'll be captivated as soon as the baby's born.

My take (not shared by all) is that it's time to work on mending things. It's going to be hard. But the ideal outcome is the third one and the way you handle this may help that happen.

Laiste · 13/01/2022 14:15

@StellaGibson118

No. If I'm honest, I would sacrifice my marriage for a baby rather than the other way around.
Same. If baby was already conceived as in op's case.

It impacts his life - but babies do. Every time you have sex there is a tiny risk unless you've been sterilised.

Is the DH actively asking for his DW to abort? How 'reasonable' is that!?

babeB · 13/01/2022 14:18

@AutumnLeaves21

No such thing as tricking someone into getting pregnant. If he felt so strongly about another child he shouldn’t have put his penis in her and got her pregnant. Condoms and vasectomies are both freely available. Op his behaviour is awful and he’s emotionally blackmailing you. Your body, your choice Flowers
In this case no, because he could get sterilised but otherwise yes. Both men and women can sabotage birth control
Cheeseplantboots · 13/01/2022 14:19

Regardless of everything if you don’t want an abortion then don’t have one. You will probably regret it and have to live with that. I’m not against abortion at all but it’s got to be your decision.

You may have to do it alone but more likely your husband will come around.

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2022 14:22

In your shoes I would explain that I could not have an abortion. That I was going to go ahead with the pregnancy and have the baby.

I'd work out ways to make life as easy for the two of you parenting two kids together instead of one.

If you have enough money for two kids I might look at ways of lightening the load such as paying for some help or working less etc, so the pressure on him is lessoned.

If he attempts to force you to end the pregnancy I think it may affect your long term relationship for the worse anyway.

3mealsaday · 13/01/2022 14:24

It may be stating the obvious but terminating a pregnancy when you're already pregnant is an entirely different ballgame to deciding together that you're not going to have another child because one partner is against it. The rule that the wishes of the person who wants the least number of children should prevail doesn't apply when this would require an abortion.

It is 100% unreasonable to expect a woman to undergo a medical procedure she doesn't want (abortion) to end a pregnancy that she wants. Abortion is only acceptable when it is the considered choice of the woman undergoing abortion.

It is not 'splitting up' the family for you to refuse to have an abortion, it is you exercising bodily autonomy and not undergoing an unwanted medical procedure to destroy a viable pregnancy. Your DH can either accept that shit happens in life and make the best of it (including an accidental baby at 50) or, if he can't get over his resentment, then you'll have to make a decision as to the future of your relationship.

Fwiw, if I had to choose, I would choose a second child that I was already pregnant with over my DH like a shot. He could then stick around and try to make our bigger family work or he could get lost.

StellaDarkley · 13/01/2022 14:30

There is going to be a three year difference between you kids - they are not going to be "playmates" or even friends as teens, and will not be hanging around together. Too big of an age gap.

I don't blame your husband being worried - as a slef-employed builder he will be very lucky to have ten more years in him - he may well have less.Tinnitus is terrible to live with.

You got pregant and you wanted another baby, and now its on the way. He absolutely doesn't, so you will end up splitting up one way or the other. There is no negotiation to be had.

DisappointingCaramel · 13/01/2022 14:32

His responsibility to get the snip if he's dead set against anymore kids.
Keep the baby, either way you will resent him or he will resent you, at least you won't be thinking of what could've been.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/01/2022 14:33

I can see both sides of this (assuming he wasnt reckless with contraception). I dont think most people with health issues at 50 would want another baby.

This may not be the case but it reads as though you wanted another child but never actually discussed this with him, so something that should have been discussed before is now causing a wedge.

Saying that, he can't expect you to get an abortion if you don't want to, and plenty of people have babies they didn't want before their conception and cope.

What would he do if you went ahead with the pregnancy? Would you cope if he left you as a single parent to two?

One thing I would say is dont have a sibling just for your existing child, plenty of siblings don't get on

Aria999 · 13/01/2022 14:35

Your body your choice. Be prepared it may be the end of your relationship, but as pp said I doubt it could survive having an abortion of a child you desperately want in any case.

CharlotteRose90 · 13/01/2022 14:35

Your relationship is over. He didn’t want another child and you did and now theirs an accident baby. Sorry but I’d be pissed off too and thinking you’d planned it. He’s 50 and not well he’s too old to be having another child. I’d be getting used to be a single parent op sorry.

IncompleteSenten · 13/01/2022 14:36

It doesn't matter how the pregnancy happened - failed contraception, no contraception. You are now pregnant and the decision is yours. You know how he feels but the decision is yours alone.

If you have the baby he may leave. That's his choice. If you have an abortion you desperately don't want then you will probably hate him for it and either end up leaving him or spend years getting more and more bitter and wondering what your life would have been like with 2.

Only you can decide what is best for you. Flowers

AryaStarkWolf · 13/01/2022 14:37

There is going to be a three year difference between you kids - they are not going to be "playmates" or even friends as teens, and will not be hanging around together. Too big of an age gap.

There's 2 years between me and one of my brothers, we were good friends as teens, went to concerts together etc. There's 4 years between my two kids and they're also very close (they're teen and young adults now) they often hang out together

ittakes2 · 13/01/2022 14:42

You have decide what you want to do regardless of his feelings and go from there. If you want this baby and abort because of him - you will not forgive him in the way he might not forgive you for going ahead. My friend had this - hubby even took her to the abortion clinic but it just made her want the baby more. It took them 5 years to get their relationship back on track but they eventually did.

Enough4me · 13/01/2022 14:43

You're pregnant and you want it, surely your decision is made. The decision is now really for him, accept and go forwards or separate.