Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

As a parent do you think this should be run past you or not?

202 replies

sparklins · 12/01/2022 20:23

2 DCs 6 and 3 - DGPs 2-3 times a month collect them from school/nursery and have them for dinner, not a babysitting arrangement as we don't need it but the DGPs have asked as they enjoy having them.

DGPs have allowed 6yo to go next door into a classmates house to play whilst leaving 4yo with them.

Would you expect for this to be run past you prior to DGPs allowing your 6yo to go to someone elses house without one of them present or would you be ok with it since it's a classmate?

YABU - I'd be ok with it
YANBU - they should have checked with you first

OP posts:
HeyMoana · 13/01/2022 21:46

YANBU

JabNotInArm · 13/01/2022 21:48

@Bugbabe1970

Let's just make sure every adult every child ever comes into contact with has a dbs is it?

I really do despair for this generation

It's not about needing everyone to have DBS checks or being too terrified to ever allow your child to play at friends' houses. It's about the fact that entrusting your child to someone (GPs in this case, or whoever) doesn't negate you wanting to make this specific assessments of risk yourself.

I trust school to care for my child 8.30-15:00 Mon to Fri but if they wanted to take them out of school within those hours I'd damn well expect to be asked first even if they'd done risk assessments, etc. I don't see the difference here

JabNotInArm · 13/01/2022 21:49

@Rumplestrumpet

Utterly astounded by these answers. What does "it's a classmate" even mean?!? There are kids in my daughter's class whose parents I've never met - of course I wouldn't leave my daughter to go over for a playdate on her own. Why would a parent do that with a 6 or 7 year old?!?

There are some parents of her classmates I have met and she wouldn't be going there either.

My daughter only goes to the house of someone I've had more than a fleeting conversation with and preferably have been to their house myself. I would want to know whether it's a safe place for my child - older siblings, access to inappropriate internet content, other adults in the home - all these things could be a concern. I'm generally a laid back parent and encourage her to be confident and outspoken but I'm not gonna send her off somewhere unknown.

OP you could simply say (in a very relaxed way) you were totally fine with it this time but DD has had some issues with classmates and you'd rather get a heads up next time - no complaints, just tba.

This
Bumblebee1812 · 13/01/2022 21:59

@MajesticElephant

I insist on knowing who is looking after my child and it is not a task that can be delegated without my consent. I was sexually assaulted in a similar circumstance as a child and the outcome was probably made worse by the fact my parents didn’t know I’d been in that persons house.
This. I would most definitely not be ok with it.
Onionpatch · 13/01/2022 22:05

I would trust my childrens grandparents to make as sensible a decision as i would about the suitability of a classmate or neighbour to play with. but i also think its courteous to check with you.

Mamanyt · 14/01/2022 01:57

When my mother took my children, I trusted her utterly to make those decisions. I know how careful she was with me, and expected no less care for her DGSes. I never had cause to question her judgement.

Suepicano7176 · 14/01/2022 02:23

I would say that if you don't trust their judgement on something like this then maybe they shouldn't be having the children at all! Seems a reasonable thing to do.

SnozPoz · 14/01/2022 06:03

I'd be fine with it. Kids next door to each other wanting to play is pretty normal I'd say. It's your parents making the judgement call and their neighbours, who I presume they trust. Tbh your parents probably grew up at a time when all the kids in the street would hang out with each other and would reappear at dinner time so they probably don't see the issue.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 14/01/2022 06:29

Wouldn't bother me. When I was young it was totally normal to play out with all the other dc on the street and be in and out if each others houses though. I often think it's sad that my younger dc don't get to do the same thing. I have fond memories of us all playing out together after school and in holidays

I also trust my mum to make decisions.

Conspiracyornotr · 14/01/2022 06:31

As long as they are safe who does it matter

Italiandreams · 14/01/2022 07:54

I think we all come to this with our own experiences, so really OP only you can answer. I have said I would be ok with this as would only trust those who I would be happy to make decisions with to look after my child. To expand I this, neither set of grandparents are likely to actually do this as they are just as cautious as me when it comes to who they leave the children with, which is why if they judged it ok I would be fine. Yes, they can not know everyone single piece if information about a person but neither can I. They certainly wouldn't be less cautious than me, I imagine much more so.

If you feel uncomfortable then that's fine to not be ok with it but do you trust their judgement on other things?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/01/2022 08:15

If it was planned in advance I think I’d wonder why they hadn’t mentioned it before the visit. But if it was an impromptu suggestion from the neighbour then I wouldn’t expect trusted grandparents to say “oh we will have to phone their parents first to check” that would seem deeply strange.

Is it a case that you feel your in-laws always skirt at the very border of what is acceptable in terms of boundaries (I know you say you have a good relationship, but I know from experience both can be true). I do understand that if you feel they often slightly overstep in terms of making decisions, then it will colour your response to individual incidents. But this as an isolated one? I would not have an issue with it.

3scape · 14/01/2022 08:23

This is all the evidence you need that your trust in these people is entirely misplaced. the idea that they managed to raise a child unscathed 30+ years ago isn't adequate for a responsible parent. Get some childcare

mamabear715 · 14/01/2022 16:36

YANBU.
I'm a parent & grandparent and would be happy for another child to come & play. I wouldn't let gc go anywhere unless I was with them & my mum wouldn't have let my children go out of her sight.

RedBeetroot12 · 14/01/2022 18:05

Well I’m back again.. drawn back by some people’s lack of common sense. Firstly, whoever said that entrusting your child’s care to the grandparents is ‘relinquishing responsibility’ are wrong. I’m not giving up my rights as a parent whilst someone else cares for them, I’m merely allowing them to be looked after by someone I trust. The terms of trusting the grandparents to look after my children are exactly that - THEY are the ones to solely look after my children. Not anyone else even if that’s a friend or another family member well known to my child. The thing that bothers me is that not everyone is suitable or cut out to care for children properly. Friends and family are well known to my children but I’ll be damned if I trusted them all to look after a six year old of mine. As a parent the choice is always mine or the other parent. Christ, a grandparent isn’t allowed to consent for their grandchild to have him-urgent medical treatment so why would they suddenly be given the right to choice who watches over my child without prior agreement.

Italiandreams · 14/01/2022 18:27

Nothing to do with common sense. It's about the relationships you have with people. You may not trust people to make the decision, that's fine nothing wrong with that, you have to be comfortable with decisions. I do because the only people who look after my child, I trust implicitly to make judgement calls. I think it's highly unlikely they would decide to let them as they are more cautious than me, but in the unlikely event they did I would be fine with it because I have to let them make their own judgements about things in my absence. I acknowledge I am lucky to have people I trust this implicitly with my children.

RedBeetroot12 · 14/01/2022 19:30

Commons sense… is that when it comes to someone looking after your child and they make a judgement call not to look after your child without letting you know.. unacceptable

Italiandreams · 14/01/2022 19:42

Nope they made the call that the child wanted to play with their friend. Not the same thing. They were putting the interests of the child first, my parents love spending time with the grandchildren, they also recognise that the grandchildren love to play with the cousins, so may make the decision to let this happen. Absolutely fine with me, I would never see it as them not looking after the children but just recognising that children like the company of other children. As long as long as that is facilitated by people they trust and know that I would , that's fine.

RedBeetroot12 · 14/01/2022 19:49

And another thing lacking common sense is saying that grandparents have raised their own children unschathed 30+ years ago and so by that virtue they are trustworthy… well no, actually, that’s like saying just because you’ve never had a crash then you’re unlikely to ever have one and must be a good driver. Ever heard that story about the grandad holding his granddaughter over the cruise ship window and her falling to her death? Mistakes in judgement still happen regardless of whether you’ve been a parent before. Times have changed from when grandparents where parents. Now there are mobile phones around and whether that makes children safer or not is anyone’s guess.

RedBeetroot12 · 14/01/2022 19:52

Nope the children are to be looked after by whoever the terms of childcare are made with and if that’s to be changed then that goes back to me. How would you feel if a mobile phone contract provider changed without letting you know. I’m sure you’d be cross they hadn’t made sure you were alright with it beforehand whether or not you were alright with that provider. And that doesn’t even have a child welfare concern attached to it

Italiandreams · 14/01/2022 20:00

As I said, it's perfectly fine for you to feel that way. I just happen to feel differently, I don't mind at all if my sister looks after my children for an hour while my parents have them, as I trust them all. My parents and in laws do lots of our childcare so I believe it's important to be able to trust their judgements. If I didn't I wouldn't leave my children with them.

Italiandreams · 14/01/2022 20:03

They also have my children mainly when I'm working, so I really would prefer them to make a judgement call as I'm not easily contactable. It's completely not comparable to a mobile phone contract, that is one of the daftest things I have heard on here! It's a human relationship, terms within relationships change all the time.

Bumpsadaisie · 14/01/2022 20:06

I think it would be nice to mention it and if I were the GP I think I would have mentioned it ... but I think if you leave your child with GPs you do need to tolerate a certain gap between what you would ideally like and what happens.

Not an unlimited gap of course ... but to an extent.

RedBeetroot12 · 14/01/2022 20:22

It might sound daft to you. But I’m using an analogy to highlight how daft it sounds to me when people say they trust the grandparents so wouldn’t mind them changing who looks after the child on a whim.
I’m sure many people here would be unhappy if their energy provider or mobile phone provider changed hands without them being informed about it so why wouldn’t they care if there children changed hands?? Surely that’s more important!!

RedBeetroot12 · 14/01/2022 20:22

*their