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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

As a parent do you think this should be run past you or not?

202 replies

sparklins · 12/01/2022 20:23

2 DCs 6 and 3 - DGPs 2-3 times a month collect them from school/nursery and have them for dinner, not a babysitting arrangement as we don't need it but the DGPs have asked as they enjoy having them.

DGPs have allowed 6yo to go next door into a classmates house to play whilst leaving 4yo with them.

Would you expect for this to be run past you prior to DGPs allowing your 6yo to go to someone elses house without one of them present or would you be ok with it since it's a classmate?

YABU - I'd be ok with it
YANBU - they should have checked with you first

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 12/01/2022 22:21

@PoshPyjamas

Do they live in a very rough area?
Why do you ask that?
Yaya26 · 12/01/2022 22:21

YANBU I have children in the same age range. Iwould be unhappy with this. I can't understand the posters saying YABU. So paeophiles/abusers/wierd people, people with very lax standards regarding childcare and safety don't have school age children? I wouldn't want my child going on play dates to houses if I don't know the parents or adults in charge VERY well. If I trust anyone to look after my kids I wouldn't be happy with them handing them over/leaving them alone with anyone else - no matter how respectable or well the grandparents think they know them. I'm hardline about this because of multiple experiences as a child of lax parents. I know people will come with stats about abuse within families but IMO it's just too risky.

rwalker · 12/01/2022 22:23

I'd be happy

SleepingStandingUp · 12/01/2022 22:26

Well there's two things.
Its their neighbour and your child's friend so presumably they know them pretty well and you at least in passing. But a courtesy we've fine this, hope that's OK kinda thing.
The other thing tho is if I send the kids to grand parents to spend time with them, I expect them to do that not go and have a play date elsewhere. If they don't want to see them they can come home

Yaya26 · 12/01/2022 22:28

@Wondergirl100

god some of the comments are so depressing here - this is why children have no autonomy. For most of human history a child of 6 would have roamed around in a village with local families and played on their own doorstep with any children who were nearby -

When I was a child children played outside with whoever was around - the idea that playing with another 'known' child and family is a big deal to ask permission about (and this is your in laws actual neighbours so they know and trust them) is just depressing.

@Wondergirl100 but they weren't playing outside with known children. Their child was in the house of people she doesn't know. The fact that the grandparents didn't think to check beforehand makes me doubt their judgement. You can also be sure that many of these children who 'roamed' had nasty experiences.

Yes It is depressing but absolutely necessary.

RedBeetroot12 · 12/01/2022 22:31

I’d be really angry if I wasn’t consulted about my child going into someone else’s house to play. If I’d agreed that the grandparents had responsibility of my children then I’d expect it to stay that way absolutely! Who’s to say the neighbours don’t have a dodgy older child that could corner my child and be abusive towards them. Most child abuse happens by someone the child knows and not a stranger… bloody madness that as the parent you wouldn’t want to be kept in the loop and have a say on your child’s whereabouts at six bloody years old!! We’re not talking about a teenager !

saraclara · 12/01/2022 22:31

If I am trusting someone to look after my children I have to trust them to make judgement calls, is my take on it. If I didn't trust them to make decisions I wouldn't leave my child in their care.

Not to mention that children's lives are limited if opportunities come up that their GPs aren't allowed to make decisions on when they're doing childcare.

saraclara · 12/01/2022 22:35

@Yaya26 but the GPs DO know them. They're their next door neighbours. And the kid isn't being sent there alone to be 'looked after' by the adults there. He's playing with his classmate.

Seriously, what to do you expect to happen? DS is in his classmate's company throughout, and his parents are well known by the GPs.

Don't ask GPs to do your childcare if you're going to micromanage them to the point that they can't make any decisions.

KeepYaHeadUp · 12/01/2022 22:36

I'd want to be consulted. Just because my child would be left under the supervision of another adult and I'd like to be told beforehand. There are one or two of DC's classmates in the past where I've had bad vibes from one parent. Nothing concrete but I'd try to avoid situations where they might be alone with that particular parent for my own peace of mind.

I know that my MIL would consult me. She has a background in working with looked after children and so she is always on the lookout and super vigilant about possible risks.

KeepYaHeadUp · 12/01/2022 22:37

@Youdoyoutoday

Why does it bother you? I can't really see the problem, it's not like they've sent him to play with dodgy Bob, the strange man that looks a bit like Jimmy Saville is it?

Unless you think the classmate and family are untrustworthy in some respect?

What if you don't know one or both parents? Or if there's another adult in the house you don't know? I'd want to opportunity to say no I think for this reason
KeepYaHeadUp · 12/01/2022 22:39

@MajesticElephant

I insist on knowing who is looking after my child and it is not a task that can be delegated without my consent. I was sexually assaulted in a similar circumstance as a child and the outcome was probably made worse by the fact my parents didn’t know I’d been in that persons house.
I'm so sorry 😞 This is exactly my worry.
RedBeetroot12 · 12/01/2022 22:39

6 years old is too young in my opinion. I can’t believe that as a parent people would be happy to not know their children’s whereabouts and the company around their children at the time they are not in their care. Im baffled. What if there was an accident? What if the grandparents and parents thought the child was round the friends house and the friend/neighbour thought the child was round the grandparents house? Miscommunication like that could potentially have a big consequence. And as the parent, I see it as my responsibility to minimise the risk of that happening. I would definitely not want a third party looking after my child without me knowing ALL the details first. Please watch ‘when missing turns to murder’ on Netflix..
Big eye opener.

KeepYaHeadUp · 12/01/2022 22:42

@Ovenaffray

I’d be really hurt as you clearly didn’t trust me.
It's not about trust. Judgment and gut feelings are so important when it comes to safeguarding, and so I'd want to be asked. There is no place for the emotion of "I'm hurt you didn't trust me" when it comes to the welfare of children. I'd rather offend you than not speak up or risk missing an opportunity to prevent something bad happening to my child.
FortniteBoysMum · 12/01/2022 22:44

If you don't trust gp's instincts why are you letting them look after your children? Personally I would think they know their neighbours and your child knows their own friends. They are literally nextdoor and unless they have concerns for neighbours kids welfare like think the child is abused I see no issue. Yes they probably should have asked but its not a big issue. It only becomes one if they told your child not to mention it.

britneyisfree · 12/01/2022 22:45

I don't have school age dc yet. Why is it okay if they are a class mate?!

Only asking as my mum deffo wouldn't have allowed me to go unattended at those ages without the parents having been vetted before hand. Just because they are in the same class why does that make it any safer?

KeepYaHeadUp · 12/01/2022 22:49

I'm really surprised at how naive some poster are on this thread.

saraclara · 12/01/2022 22:50

@britneyisfree

I don't have school age dc yet. Why is it okay if they are a class mate?!

Only asking as my mum deffo wouldn't have allowed me to go unattended at those ages without the parents having been vetted before hand. Just because they are in the same class why does that make it any safer?

The grandparents presumably have 'vetted' the parents. They know them. They live next door to them. How exactly can OP vet them any more efficiently than the people who actually KNOW them?

This is quite ridiculous.

Hmmmm2018 · 12/01/2022 22:51

My DC jump over the wall into the neighbours of their grandparents (not classmates) to play with the next door children, grandparents know their neighbours as much as I would a school parent and are right next door, I'm happy for my child to make friends and have fun

ldontWanna · 12/01/2022 22:51

[quote saraclara]@Yaya26 but the GPs DO know them. They're their next door neighbours. And the kid isn't being sent there alone to be 'looked after' by the adults there. He's playing with his classmate.

Seriously, what to do you expect to happen? DS is in his classmate's company throughout, and his parents are well known by the GPs.

Don't ask GPs to do your childcare if you're going to micromanage them to the point that they can't make any decisions.[/quote]
OP didn't ask them to provide childcare. The GP's asked to have them over so they can spend time with them.

What could happen? A concrete example. Remember the Squid Game craze? Plenty of decent, good enough , professional etc parents let their kids ,sometimes as young as 6 , watch squid games, search for images, play the online games. The online games weren't gory but it just fuelled the craze/obsession with it.

Another concrete example. 4/5 yos that have tiktok because mummy has it,daddy has it, older sibling has it so they have it too.

Another concrete example , kids are best friends and they love playing together,but they're actually a really bad mix together where one or the other ends up hurt,in tears etc. It has nothing to do with how safe or decent the parents are.

I gave another one where due to my job DD couldn't go to a classmate's house or his party due to other people/children being around. I have no issues with the family or the kid and they get on well and I'm quite friendly with the mum but it is what it is.

Grandparents wouldn't necessarily be aware of these things in order to properly risk assess. It doesn't mean they're not good people or trustworthy.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 12/01/2022 22:53

No. I would expect the adult in charge of the child at the time to make the decisions. 6 year olds going next door to play, perfectly normal.

Rubyupbeat · 12/01/2022 22:53

My mum always said you love and worry about your grandchildren as much as your own children, my parents were fantastic parents, so I always trusted my children with them and knew they would never put them in any danger.
So, no I wouldn't have expected to be consulted.

AliveAndSleeping · 12/01/2022 22:54

I'm a super anxious parent (and quite a control freak) but if it's next door and a classmate it wouldn't bother me. I'd be happy that DC has got someone to play with.

whattodo2019 · 12/01/2022 22:55

O. If they are at school together that would be a link enough. I would also trust GP judgment.

AliveAndSleeping · 12/01/2022 22:57

Even as a parent you wouldn't be aware of any of these things unless you carefully vet and Interview the parents whose kids your your kids can play with.

Yaya26 · 12/01/2022 22:57

[quote saraclara]@Yaya26 but the GPs DO know them. They're their next door neighbours. And the kid isn't being sent there alone to be 'looked after' by the adults there. He's playing with his classmate.

Seriously, what to do you expect to happen? DS is in his classmate's company throughout, and his parents are well known by the GPs.

Don't ask GPs to do your childcare if you're going to micromanage them to the point that they can't make any decisions.[/quote]
As I said in a previous comment the fact that the GPs didn't think to ok it with the DIL would make me question their judgement.

You seem to suggesting that the 6 year old is safe because he's in the company of another 6 year old. Wierd!