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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

As a parent do you think this should be run past you or not?

202 replies

sparklins · 12/01/2022 20:23

2 DCs 6 and 3 - DGPs 2-3 times a month collect them from school/nursery and have them for dinner, not a babysitting arrangement as we don't need it but the DGPs have asked as they enjoy having them.

DGPs have allowed 6yo to go next door into a classmates house to play whilst leaving 4yo with them.

Would you expect for this to be run past you prior to DGPs allowing your 6yo to go to someone elses house without one of them present or would you be ok with it since it's a classmate?

YABU - I'd be ok with it
YANBU - they should have checked with you first

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 12/01/2022 22:58

YABU

VolvicHenry · 12/01/2022 22:59

I would be wary.

Probably very outing, but we found out that one of our neighbours was recently convicted of sexual offences against his children. One of our other neighbours knew he was being investigated but still allowed him to go into their home and be unsupervised with their young children. One of whom is in my 6YO class at school.

So no, I would not necessarily trust a class mate of neighbours now.

VolvicHenry · 12/01/2022 23:00

*or

Kite22 · 12/01/2022 23:00

I'm a GP...out of respect for my DS and DIL, I would have checked with them first.

But I think we can assume this wasn't a planned thing that the GPs decided to do - it was a spur of the moment invitation. So the people in charge of the dc make a spur of the moment decision, based on all their parenting experience and life experience to date.

I wouldn’t like it, I would want to know the people, being a classmate means very little to me, the child may be a friend but who are the adults in the house? I don’t leave my children with people I don’t know.
But this wasn't a random child that approached them in the playground, this was the GP's NDN - who they do know. The GPs know the family and obviously trust them.

I can’t believe that as a parent people would be happy to not know their children’s whereabouts and the company around their children at the time they are not in their care. Im baffled. What if there was an accident? What if the grandparents and parents thought the child was round the friends house and the friend/neighbour thought the child was round the grandparents house?

.....and I can't believe that there are so many paranoid people in life. You do know that you have left them with people you trust who made a judgement call, based on probably 35 years experience of being parents themselves and based on their knowledge of the family that live next door. What do you mean "What if there was an accident?". Accidents can happen anywhere. The NDN would bring the child back to the Grandparents, or get the Grandparents into their house, and it would be dealt with, just as you would deal with an accident any child had whilst playing at yours. I can't understand what your concern is about how they would respond to an accident.
Why would there be any confusion about whose house they were at ? The GP knew where they were.

KeepYaHeadUp · 12/01/2022 23:01

The grandparents presumably have 'vetted' the parents. They know them. They live next door to them. How exactly can OP vet them any more efficiently than the people who actually KNOW them? This is quite ridiculous.

"Presumably" isn't enough for me. Maybe OP would know something they don't. The fact OP couldn't vet the parents any more down the phone isn't a reason to just wave them off. The other option is to say she's not 100% comfortable and maybe they can arrange a play date so the GPs are there too

Camomila · 12/01/2022 23:01

I'd be ok with it - when DM looks after DS1(5) she'll let him go play in her next door neighbours back garden to play with
her neighbours similar age granddaughters. The neighbours have been there since I was a teenager so DM knows them well.

KeepYaHeadUp · 12/01/2022 23:02

@Rubyupbeat

My mum always said you love and worry about your grandchildren as much as your own children, my parents were fantastic parents, so I always trusted my children with them and knew they would never put them in any danger. So, no I wouldn't have expected to be consulted.
Loving them as much as their parents doesn't negate running something like this by the parents. What's the harm?
JabNotInArm · 12/01/2022 23:03

@VolvicHenry

I would be wary.

Probably very outing, but we found out that one of our neighbours was recently convicted of sexual offences against his children. One of our other neighbours knew he was being investigated but still allowed him to go into their home and be unsupervised with their young children. One of whom is in my 6YO class at school.

So no, I would not necessarily trust a class mate of neighbours now.

Sad
ScrollingLeaves · 12/01/2022 23:20

I would never assume another person’s house was ok just because they were classmates. Anything could be going on in the classmate’s house.

On the other hand, if I trusted DGPs with having the children in the first place, it would be on the basis that we had an understanding in common about what would it would not be a safe family to visit.

StopStartStop · 12/01/2022 23:27

It absolutely would not be all right with me. If I leave children with grandparents, expect them to be with grandparents at all times. I do not expect grandparents to let the children out of their sight.

whynotwhatknot · 12/01/2022 23:31

Seems a bit odd that they want to spend time with their gc only to send one of them off till dinner time i presume

AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2022 23:42

My parents had my children to theirs often at that age. Next door was a little boy ("Jonny") about the same age as my DS1 and they played together often, normally at his house because all of his toys and games were there whereas my parents had a limited amount of things. And my parents made a point of taking us over to introduce us to Jonny's parents. Have you met this child's parents?

I had no problem with it. My parents knew and trusted Jonny's parents. I trusted my parent's judgement. The only agreement between us and my parents was that the boys were to go nowhere other than the two houses and my parents had to get our direct permission if Jonny's parents wanted to take them anywhere, just as my parents would never have taken them anywhere without getting Jonny's parents permission.

If you trust your parents, there should be no problem. But if you don't trust your parents or if there is some reason to doubt their judgement then stop the arrangement.

saraclara · 12/01/2022 23:45

@whynotwhatknot

Seems a bit odd that they want to spend time with their gc only to send one of them off till dinner time i presume
There's no reason to suppose that they 'sent him off'. Maybe the classmate asked if he could go round to play.
Summerfun54321 · 13/01/2022 00:13

I don’t have grandkids, but on the occasions I’ve looked after other people’s children, I never let them out of my sight. I definitely wouldn’t send them off to play elsewhere, much better to invite the classmate over.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2022 00:34

As a GP I would check with the parents.

DancesWithFelines · 13/01/2022 00:41

DD used to play with next doors kids when she was younger and we were at home. No problem. Then, 18 year old DSS was babysitting our two kids when DH and I had a shift clash at work ... next door neighbours asked if DD could come over and because DSS was used to her going over there to play he said yes.

The neighbours ended up taking DD to collect their younger son from nursery and then went to sainsburys! DSS was frantic with worry wondering where she was and phoning us at work in a panic.
It wasn't great, if the neighbours had been in an accident no one would have known where DD was! She was 7 years old or so. Sometimes people can be twats. I would always let the parents know, just in case.

Dammitthisisshit · 13/01/2022 07:33

Glad to see GPs on the thread saying they would check. If it was a regular thing and I’d already said I was happy with my DC playing at this neighbours house I wouldn’t expect to be told in advance each time. If it was a spur of the moment thing then I’d be happy if the GPs made the decision but a quick text to let me know would make me happier. The bit I’d question is that no one went with them - I’d have thought that for first play dates the standard is that the parent (or GP) is around to see how it pans out, even if it’s a cup of tea followed by leaving them there for a little while.

I’d want to know, because I might know other things about the child or family through school that the GPs wouldn’t.

Someone who worked at the nursery my DC were at has recently been convicted of sexual offences against children. The police don’t believe any offence took place at nursery but it’s still a horrible feeling. I appreciate my judgement was wrong here as I trusted the nursery (to be fair to the nursery they couldn’t have known - first offence so the employee passed the checks at the time). But I do think the more you know the more you build a picture up to allow you to make judgement calls for your children, and for that reason I’d want to know. If my children have been anywhere new I talk to them afterwards on a 1:1 to see who was there, gauge if my DC was behaving oddly, etc. Having had 1 very close call I want to do everything in my power to protect them.

My parents have had my DC for days /a week at a time and I wouldn’t expect them to ask where they can take them - that’s different- for that time they are in their care. But I also know they wouldn’t leave my DC alone anywhere.

RedBeetroot12 · 13/01/2022 07:36

Of course accidents can happen anywhere. That’s my point! That’s why the grandparents need to be looking after my six year old as agreed, because accidents happen anywhere and anytime. Most accidents happen in the house. If I left my YOUNG child with my grandparents for them to look after, I would expect it to stay that way unless otherwise agreed. I trust the grandparents to respond appropriately and provide suitable care in the event of an accident. I wouldn’t expect that of anyone else, I don’t know what standards the next door neighbour has and that rightly concerns me. I would want the grandparents to relay what had happened directly and not be a case of things getting lost in the confusion of where the child was or wasn’t or who was there or not.
Times have sure as hell changed since my parents were parents to me. Things that were acceptable and allowed to happen have shifted. Safeguarding of children is more widely practiced, but bad things and freak accidents still occur. As a parent, I make direct and indirect decisions to ensure my child is safe. Whatever you do is up to you. But at the end of the day I want to be able to have the choice and be kept in the loop at all times whilst my child is young as I absolutely trust my instincts and standards.
It’s not even just about the risk of abuse in a strangers house. If the classmate was one of the naughty ones in the class the I wouldn’t want to be encouraging a friendship with someone who would influence my child’s behaviour negatively.
Who knows what the next door neighbours house and ideas were. For all I know, the next door neighbours may be storing a bottle of antifreeze in an unsafe place and my child may mistakenly drink it thinking it’s pop or something. At least I would have been aware of the grandparents home environment to limit risks like this.

itbemay1 · 13/01/2022 07:38

@Italiandreams

If I am trusting someone to look after my children I have to trust them to make judgement calls, is my take on it. If I didn't trust them to make decisions I wouldn't leave my child in their care.
This!
RedBeetroot12 · 13/01/2022 07:40

Absolutely bonkers that people assume that because they are ‘neighbours’ and he is a ‘classmate’ it automatically make this safe 😂

PuntasticUsername · 13/01/2022 07:47

If a GP stayed with them, I wouldn't be remotely bothered. Otherwise I'd want to know, so I can ask which adults are going to be in the house, are they responsible and trustworthy (what if it's just an older sister in her room with her door shut, playing loud music?) and are there any potential obvious hazards in the home eg dogs, stairs without handrail.

Writing it all down like that it seems a bit overly paranoid, but that's what I'd want to know before my kid played there unaccompanied.

TheChip · 13/01/2022 07:48

I dont think people are assuming that they are safe because they are neighbours and classmates. Just that if we had our guard up for every parent and child our children would never leave the house.

Play dates from school are common, and many times it's where the kids know each other but the parents don't. Are people not allowing play dates until they vet the parent and their homelife out?

Because I know from my own life that from the outside my home life looked rosy, but behind closed doors my ex was an absolute arse. I wouldnt have my kids friends over at the risk he acted up when they were there. But, my point is, even when you think you know someone, you might not. So the risk is there all the same.

BiscuitLover3678 · 13/01/2022 07:48

I would expect them to run it past me .

BiscuitLover3678 · 13/01/2022 07:48

@RedBeetroot12

Absolutely bonkers that people assume that because they are ‘neighbours’ and he is a ‘classmate’ it automatically make this safe 😂
Yep 🙄
reluctantbrit · 13/01/2022 07:49

At. 6 DD always went for playdates without us parents. Often to friends whose parents we only knew from the school run or chatting at a birthday party (even at 6 that got more and more rare for parents to stay).

A classmate is not a stranger the child has never met and unless the GPs never speak to their neighbours, they must have a. decent idea about the family.