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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

As a parent do you think this should be run past you or not?

202 replies

sparklins · 12/01/2022 20:23

2 DCs 6 and 3 - DGPs 2-3 times a month collect them from school/nursery and have them for dinner, not a babysitting arrangement as we don't need it but the DGPs have asked as they enjoy having them.

DGPs have allowed 6yo to go next door into a classmates house to play whilst leaving 4yo with them.

Would you expect for this to be run past you prior to DGPs allowing your 6yo to go to someone elses house without one of them present or would you be ok with it since it's a classmate?

YABU - I'd be ok with it
YANBU - they should have checked with you first

OP posts:
Bouncer500 · 12/01/2022 21:33

Look after your item children if you don't trust them to.

Graphista · 12/01/2022 21:34

Would depend on the grandparents and if they can be trusted to make such judgments

My dd is 20 now but when she was this kind of age:

My ex in laws - I wouldn't have a problem with them doing this as I trust their judgment and their views on parenting and who to trust aligned with mine

My parents - my father was abusive in EVERY way so he was never allowed NEAR dd anyway. My mother still doesn't believe me on this and is generally VERY lax on such matters so she never had sole charge of dd.

And there's a wide variety in between those of course.

So it depends on if you trust the grandparents judgment on such matters which it sounds like you don't - do you have reason not to trust them?

I never allowed dd to anyones home unless I knew the family VERY well. I was perhaps a little over cautious given my history, but I'd rather that than dd dealing with what I had to.

I could have gone further! I could have not allowed her to play at friends houses or go on sleepovers at all - and some with my history choose to do that and I won't criticise them for it I understand it

TrivialSoul · 12/01/2022 21:36

At 6 yrs old my DC would have friends over after school to play without their parents coming and equally they would go to friends houses to play. In your situation this has the added advantage of the dgp being neighbours so I assume knowing the family reasonably well. This sort of independence is important for children's confidence and development.

ShinyHappyPoster · 12/01/2022 21:39

If the classmate's parents had asked you directly, would you have allowed a playdate?
My SIL let our DCs go to my ILs once when she was supposed to be watching them. That annoyed me because she knew we didn't let the ILs watch DCs (for a myriad of reasons). We only found out about it because one of the DC had an accident under IL's lax supervision Hmm
But if you would have been ok with the next door neighbour playdate then I wouldn't expect your ILs to ask.

DysmalRadius · 12/01/2022 21:40

If they knew the neighbours reasonably well, I'd be okay with it but my son has had some classmates who lived in pretty chaotic situations that I would not have been happy for him to be in, so the fact it's a classmate wouldn't necessarily be enough for me.

3mealsaday · 12/01/2022 21:40

Would depend on a number of factors, including the house set-up. Here we live in narrow terraced houses practically on top of each other. So I'd be fine with my DS popping next door as his grandparents could probably still hear him Grin. If it was large detached houses at a distance and I didn't know the parents, I'd be less happy.

BobbyeinArkansas · 12/01/2022 21:41

I'd be fine with it as long as my parents or in laws knew the parents.

DSGR · 12/01/2022 21:43

I’d be fine with it if GPs know parents reasonably well. I’m sure your child has a nice time?
And no I wouldn’t expect to be consulted beforehand! Seems daft

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 12/01/2022 21:46

I’d expect a text “x is going to y’s house after school today” - but as an update so I know where dc are, not with expectation that it would be refused. That gives you the chance to say no if it really bothers you.

Rodion · 12/01/2022 21:50

It's a no from me (well sort of).

Once they'd checked I was OK with the general dea of my child going to that family's house I'd be happy for them to decide when and how long it could happen for without me micromanaging.

I would absolutely want to be consulted at the outset though. There have been the odd kid that one of mine was friends with who I would be happy to have at mine but wouldn't want them going over there for reasons that it wouldn't have occurred to me to share with grandparents. I wouldn't send a kid in my care to play at someone else's house without checking either.

AteAllTheBourbons · 12/01/2022 21:54

Fuck me, some of these answers are worrying. 6yo and everyone's like "ah it's fine, it's a neighbour." Paedos don't go around advertising themselves to the world and it's not paranoid or over protective to not be okay with this.

Of course it needs to be run by you.

noworklifebalance · 12/01/2022 21:56

@notacooldad

Not sure why being a classmate and neighbour of grandparents suddenly makes them ok - all it means is that they have easier access to your children So do you never allow your kids to play with their classmates at home?
Don’t be obtuse
Kite22 · 12/01/2022 22:04

If I am trusting someone to look after my children I have to trust them to make judgement calls, is my take on it. If I didn't trust them to make decisions I wouldn't leave my child in their care.

This ^
If you don't trust their judgement, then you shouldn't be letting your dc be looked after by them. If you do, then what is the issue?

How are they supposed to know at what point they are "allowed" to say yes or no to something so simple as playing with their next door neighbour without checking in with you, if you start questioning something so normal as that?

Briony123 · 12/01/2022 22:05

We used to play with my GPs' neighbours' kids all the time. Different schools, only knew them from being my GPs' neighbours. Most children like making new friends.

WimpoleHat · 12/01/2022 22:08

If I am trusting someone to look after my children I have to trust them to make judgement calls, is my take on it. If I didn't trust them to make decisions I wouldn't leave my child in their care.

Absolutely. You’ve left them in charge. So it’s their call to make. Sure - if you then say “I don’t like them playing with x and y for z reason”, then you can reasonably object to this letting your kids go round there. But the situation you describe is fine. If you need every small detail to be checked with you, then you shouldn’t leave someone else in charge.

ldontWanna · 12/01/2022 22:10

@WimpoleHat

If I am trusting someone to look after my children I have to trust them to make judgement calls, is my take on it. If I didn't trust them to make decisions I wouldn't leave my child in their care.

Absolutely. You’ve left them in charge. So it’s their call to make. Sure - if you then say “I don’t like them playing with x and y for z reason”, then you can reasonably object to this letting your kids go round there. But the situation you describe is fine. If you need every small detail to be checked with you, then you shouldn’t leave someone else in charge.

Where your child is and with whom is not a "small detail".
Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 12/01/2022 22:11

I wouldn’t like it, I would want to know the people, being a classmate means very little to me, the child may be a friend but who are the adults in the house? I don’t leave my children with people I don’t know.

notacooldad · 12/01/2022 22:11

*notacooldad

Not sure why being a classmate and neighbour of grandparents suddenly makes them ok - all it means is that they have easier access to your children
So do you never allow your kids to play with their classmates at home?

Don’t be obtuse
I seriously wasnt!!

Frazzled50yrold · 12/01/2022 22:11

If I trusted them to look after my children I'd also trust their judgement in this case.

Offmyfence · 12/01/2022 22:12

@AteAllTheBourbons

Fuck me, some of these answers are worrying. 6yo and everyone's like "ah it's fine, it's a neighbour." Paedos don't go around advertising themselves to the world and it's not paranoid or over protective to not be okay with this.

Of course it needs to be run by you.

Fuck me it's shocking that people on this post don't trust their own relatives. Do these people not think anyone else is capable of keeping a child safe or making a decision?
Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 12/01/2022 22:12

Wouldn’t bother me, as long as they are safe then that’s fine. My mum looks after kids ( her choice) whilst I’m at work, it mostly taking or picking them up from school and a few times my dd has gone to her friends house and also invited said friend over. Personally I trust my mum more than anyone so I have no issues.

Sweetpea1532 · 12/01/2022 22:13

I'm a GP...out of respect for my DS and DIL, I would have checked with them first.

I feel I should ask and not assume it's ok .I do this with many things,.. I always ask so they can be kept in the loop...it's not about trust, but respect for my GS's parents.

Oddbobbyboo · 12/01/2022 22:14

They’re your DC GP, I think they should be trusted to make these decisions.

PoshPyjamas · 12/01/2022 22:17

Do they live in a very rough area?

Wondergirl100 · 12/01/2022 22:20

god some of the comments are so depressing here - this is why children have no autonomy. For most of human history a child of 6 would have roamed around in a village with local families and played on their own doorstep with any children who were nearby -

When I was a child children played outside with whoever was around - the idea that playing with another 'known' child and family is a big deal to ask permission about (and this is your in laws actual neighbours so they know and trust them) is just depressing.