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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

As a parent do you think this should be run past you or not?

202 replies

sparklins · 12/01/2022 20:23

2 DCs 6 and 3 - DGPs 2-3 times a month collect them from school/nursery and have them for dinner, not a babysitting arrangement as we don't need it but the DGPs have asked as they enjoy having them.

DGPs have allowed 6yo to go next door into a classmates house to play whilst leaving 4yo with them.

Would you expect for this to be run past you prior to DGPs allowing your 6yo to go to someone elses house without one of them present or would you be ok with it since it's a classmate?

YABU - I'd be ok with it
YANBU - they should have checked with you first

OP posts:
Ovenaffray · 12/01/2022 20:49

Classmate and neighbour. I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

If you challenged me on it and felt I shouldn’t be doing it I’d simply stop the arrangement.

beautifullymad · 12/01/2022 20:49

No, I'd trust the grand parents judgment. Also it's a classmate and a neighbour.

Offmyfence · 12/01/2022 20:50

I'd trust them

Original poster
sparklins · 12/01/2022 20:54

Just to clear something up - we have a good relationship with ILs and made absolutely no issue about it.
It doesn't really bother me it's just that me and DH were talking about it and were not sure if we were 1000% ok with it so we thought we would get a bit of a wider opinion.

A part of me is very much, they are next door neighbors, it's DCs classmate so that is fine.
However a tiny part is very much of @laravix s view - i.e. they were no longer the ones being responsible for watching DC, they entrusted the responsibility to someone else.

If one of them went over and had a cup of tea whilst DC played I would have been fully ok with it.

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 12/01/2022 20:55

Would I trust them? Yes. But at the same time I think it's just common courtesy to check with the parent and I'd want that to happen and I'd tell them that while I'm not upset, I want them to let me know next time,if there is a next time. At the end of the day he is your child and there's nothing wrong with wanting to know where he is and who he is with.

Ovenaffray · 12/01/2022 20:55

I’d be really hurt as you clearly didn’t trust me.

TreeLawney · 12/01/2022 20:56

@Italiandreams

If I am trusting someone to look after my children I have to trust them to make judgement calls, is my take on it. If I didn't trust them to make decisions I wouldn't leave my child in their care.
This.
Rosebel · 12/01/2022 20:57

Once you start expecting them to start asking permission for things, where do you draw the line
Either you trust the GPS to make good judgement calls or you don't. If you don't then stop the arrangement

DZbornak · 12/01/2022 21:07

There is absolutely no way that I would be ok with this situation. They should have asked you. And as you say, if one of them was also in the house then fine, however if not, you have no idea who your child is with and that is a serious issue. Can't believe how many people see no problem with it.

SoftSheen · 12/01/2022 21:07

They should have checked with you first. Being the parents of a classmate doesn't in itself make the neighbours 'safe', and in any case, at 6 you need to know where your child is and who is responsible for them.

missymousey · 12/01/2022 21:09

I'd be pleased they were encouraging my DC to develop friendships with the children of their neighbours.

MileyWiley · 12/01/2022 21:13

Yes it would bother me. All these “it’s a classmate” comments make me cringe/ “next door or on the same street yes”. People really are naive to what goes on behind closed doors aren’t they. My six year old only sleeps out at grandparents and only has play dates at houses I have visited and feel that I know the parents well before she goes alone.

Forgetaboutme · 12/01/2022 21:18

It wouldn't bother me. Actually I'd be happy about it. I'm a big fan of kids playing and socialising.

Nothing wrong with you feeling concerned though. We all parent differently and have our own boundaries m

noworklifebalance · 12/01/2022 21:19

Not sure why being a classmate and neighbour of grandparents suddenly makes them ok - all it means is that they have easier access to your children

user1958493 · 12/01/2022 21:19

I don't understand why they would insist on looking after your children and then send 1 off for someone else to look after.
I wouldn't be ok with it

madisonbridges · 12/01/2022 21:20

@SoftSheen

They should have checked with you first. Being the parents of a classmate doesn't in itself make the neighbours 'safe', and in any case, at 6 you need to know where your child is and who is responsible for them.
But what difference would it have made? They would say Jane Doh, her classmate and our neighbour. You're not going to do a DBS on the family. So what's the point of checking with you? Unless you say my child must stay in the house with you at all times. But then if that's your instruction, what are they checking with you?
notacooldad · 12/01/2022 21:20

However a tiny part is very much of @laravix s view - i.e. they were no longer the ones being responsible for watching DC, they entrusted the responsibility to someone else
But that's only the same if you allowed your child to play at their friend's house. You wouldn't be there and have entrusted some one else.

ZoeCM · 12/01/2022 21:21

I wouldn't expect it to be run past me.

notacooldad · 12/01/2022 21:21

Not sure why being a classmate and neighbour of grandparents suddenly makes them ok - all it means is that they have easier access to your children
So do you never allow your kids to play with their classmates at home?

greenlynx · 12/01/2022 21:25

I wouldn’t be ok with it, I wouldn’t expect them to call you about with whom your child could play at the playground, this would be ridiculous but they’ve left him at someone else’s care - it’s different.

ldontWanna · 12/01/2022 21:27

It doesn't even have to be anything serious . Do the grandparents actually know if there are any issues at school between the kids , and the dynamic in class? Do they know the other parents' level of tech supervision? What if the parents sent them to kid number 3's house, after all the grandparents trust them and it would be insulting to expect them check.

The bar isn't and shouldn't be abuse.

I had a friend's DD over recently, I've known her and her mum for years , our daughters are best friends and classmates, we always help eachother out,have playdates,sleepovers ,babysitting etc. When another mum messaged to ask to have both girls over (her daughter is also a classmate) I still messaged my friend to check it's ok with her even though I knew she'd say yes. Because she's the mother and the right thing to do. I bet I would've been slaughtered on here if I posted that I hadn't and now I was all butthurt she was upset about it.

SilverPeacock · 12/01/2022 21:28

I discovered that mil was allowing dd to roam around the neighbourhood with her cousins where I would have been more cautious. But I thought about it and realised I was being a bit over protective and pfb With hindsight dd has probably benefited from being allowed the greater freedom. I think if you trust their judgement this is no biggy.

cansu · 12/01/2022 21:30

I think YABU.
You trust the ILs. You are essentially handing over responsibility for the kids for that time. They will then make the same reasonable decisions as you would. Your child is next door with neighbours and a school friend. I can't see what the issue is. It seems more like a control issue - ie we are the ones in charge not you and therefore you need our permission. Very odd.

ldontWanna · 12/01/2022 21:30

@madisonbridges

But what difference would it have made?

Because of a situation with my work, there was one kid in DD's class where going to his house/bday party would've made things awkward at best. Any other classmate ,fine. A grandparent wouldn't have known that as it's all confidential and I wouldn't blab, and even if I did it's likely they wouldn't have made the connection.

It's not always fine and it does make a difference sometimes.

godmum56 · 12/01/2022 21:32

@SoftSheen

They should have checked with you first. Being the parents of a classmate doesn't in itself make the neighbours 'safe', and in any case, at 6 you need to know where your child is and who is responsible for them.
this. If you know the classmates parents and approve of them then fine....but if you don't know them then its a judgement call and I'd not be so happy.....and of course you may know the parents and NOT approve.....
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