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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

As a parent do you think this should be run past you or not?

202 replies

sparklins · 12/01/2022 20:23

2 DCs 6 and 3 - DGPs 2-3 times a month collect them from school/nursery and have them for dinner, not a babysitting arrangement as we don't need it but the DGPs have asked as they enjoy having them.

DGPs have allowed 6yo to go next door into a classmates house to play whilst leaving 4yo with them.

Would you expect for this to be run past you prior to DGPs allowing your 6yo to go to someone elses house without one of them present or would you be ok with it since it's a classmate?

YABU - I'd be ok with it
YANBU - they should have checked with you first

OP posts:
BiscuitLover3678 · 13/01/2022 07:49

He is going into a strangers house you don’t know about. GPS may not be as aware of things and the situation you may have with this family. If worrying things start happening, you need to know where he’s been.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 13/01/2022 07:52

It's absolutely fine. It's a classmate.
They brought up your DH without issue I assume so I'd expect you to trust their judgment.

SpinsForGin · 13/01/2022 09:22

@whynotwhatknot

Seems a bit odd that they want to spend time with their gc only to send one of them off till dinner time i presume
Maybe the classmate invited the child over and they wanted to play together? It's really not that odd.
RedBeetroot12 · 13/01/2022 10:14

No that’s the issue they are not asking or informing the parents

CoastalWave · 13/01/2022 10:17

You can't have it both ways. You obviously trust them to have the children. They've raised their own children. It's a classmate who lives next door.

Bonkers.

YABU.

RedBeetroot12 · 13/01/2022 10:39

Let’s agree to disagree then. I don’t care too much about your opinion, your entitled to think as you do, but I do think you could be allowing your child to be put in a dangerous situation with your naivety. I would be furious with the grandparents if they allowed my child to play in a strangers house without asking me. But they know that and feel the same way so I trust them because we have the same values. I guess if you differ in values then that’s where it’s a problem. Chances are the child would be alright but the consequences of things not being ok is too great

RedBeetroot12 · 13/01/2022 10:39

Its about risk versus reward really

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 13/01/2022 11:21

I also hate to mention the C word, but covid has made it difficult for parents of current 6yos to navigate the early years of semi-supervised play dates due to lockdowns.

saraclara · 13/01/2022 13:08

I would be furious with the grandparents if they allowed my child to play in a strangers house without asking me

It's not a stranger's house. These people are not strangers to the grandparents.

RedBeetroot12 · 13/01/2022 13:58

They are strangers to me and that’s what counts. How well do people really know their neighbours?

RedBeetroot12 · 13/01/2022 14:04

Paedophiles may display more charm as part of a strategy to gain trust from the parents/grandparents. I don’t care that these people live next door to the grandparents, and that the grandparents know them. I’m sure the neighbours would have been ‘nice’ face-to-face but in reality what’s the situation behind closed doors. No way, I need to have the autonomy to decide who looks after my child when they are not with me. As the parent I’d be furious to be bypsssd in this. I’d want my children to be looked after by people I had entrusted to look after them and for that to mean they aren’t let out of their sight

RedBeetroot12 · 13/01/2022 14:07

I won’t be investing any more time on this thread. I know what I would do and what I would be happy for, that’s not up for debate. I think if the OP is unhappy about the situation then that’s completely understandable and she is not being unreasonable for raising this with the grandparents

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 14:07

@RedBeetroot12

Paedophiles may display more charm as part of a strategy to gain trust from the parents/grandparents. I don’t care that these people live next door to the grandparents, and that the grandparents know them. I’m sure the neighbours would have been ‘nice’ face-to-face but in reality what’s the situation behind closed doors. No way, I need to have the autonomy to decide who looks after my child when they are not with me. As the parent I’d be furious to be bypsssd in this. I’d want my children to be looked after by people I had entrusted to look after them and for that to mean they aren’t let out of their sight
Must be sad to live with such levels of distrust

Unclench a little

ScrollingLeaves · 13/01/2022 14:49

“sweetcheekweak

RedBeetroot12
Paedophiles may display more charm as part of a strategy to gain trust from the parents/grandparents. I don’t care that these people live next door to the grandparents, and that the grandparents know them. I’m sure the neighbours would have been ‘nice’ face-to-face but in reality what’s the situation behind closed doors. No way, I need to have the autonomy to decide who looks after my child when they are not with me. As the parent I’d be furious to be bypsssd in this. I’d want my children to be looked after by people I had entrusted to look after them and for that to mean they aren’t let out of their sight”

“ Must be sad to live with such levels of distrust

Unclench a little”

“ReluctantBrit
A classmate is not a stranger the child has never met and unless the GPs never speak to their neighbours, they must have a. decent idea about the family.“

I am with Redbeetroot overall.
Knowing the classmate has nothing to do with knowing the family, although in this case ad they are neighbours the GP must know them a bit.

Do the GP know if there is porn on the computer? Unsupervised older siblings or cousins? What the parents are really like?

I speak from experience when I say there is very good reason for taking a cautious approach.

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 14:57

@ScrollingLeaves

Do you know there isn't porn on any computers in the houses of your children's friends?

Do your children never go to play in their classmates houses?

When you relinquish care of your children to someone else, you do so trusting their judgement and to make these decisions

Pretty simple concept

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/01/2022 14:59

I think I’d have mentioned it as the GPs, but the decision to allow it wouldn’t bother me as a parent.

MorningStarling · 13/01/2022 15:27

Either you trust the grandparents to make the right decisions or you don't. If you don't, they should be having unsupervised access themselves.

saraclara · 13/01/2022 15:39

Do you know there isn't porn on any computers in the houses of your children's friends?

I don't know about anyone else, but I always demand access to people's computers and their passwords. I mean, others might just ask "Is there porn on your computers?" but you can't be too careful.

But that's just me.
Just saying

ldontWanna · 13/01/2022 15:41
  • Must be sad to live with such levels of distrust

Unclench a little*

What's the point of safeguarding then?

Ovenaffray · 13/01/2022 15:50

[quote sweetcheekweak]@ScrollingLeaves

Do you know there isn't porn on any computers in the houses of your children's friends?

Do your children never go to play in their classmates houses?

When you relinquish care of your children to someone else, you do so trusting their judgement and to make these decisions

Pretty simple concept [/quote]
Do you actually ask your friends if they view porn on their computers?

reluctantbrit · 13/01/2022 16:16

@ScrollingLeaves

It is difficult to learn to trust people you only know from a school run to take care of your child for a playdate but at one point it can become stiffling.

Do you not allow playdates or parties without you staying? I wouldn't have wanted a parent at home for 2-3 hours after school at that age, they finally don't need major supervision anymore so I could go on with things.

I don't know if my friends watch porn (and I talk to one about virtually everything). I do trust other parents to keep a child safe if I feel the child is behaving in a way your average child is. So outgoing, friendly, talking your head of at that age, clean and normally dressed, normal interacting with the parent in the school grounds and my child doesn't tell stories about strange stuff at school.

whittingtonmum · 13/01/2022 17:34

I'd be ok with this. Presumably at six years old a child can articulate if there was something wrong at his classmates house and as they are neighbours ILs have enough insights into what their neighbours are like to make a judgement call.

WhatTahw · 13/01/2022 17:40

Oh, I wouldn't like this.

I'd be thinking dc is with there GP and they are somewhere else and I; not aware of that. At 6 years, no thank you. It would knock my trust in the GP, sorry. I'd always run something like that by a child's parent.

Sunnysas · 13/01/2022 17:47

I hate to be mithered about every little thing and wouldn’t have an issue. If you need to be double checked on everything jut let the GP’s know and they can text you.

redbigbananafeet · 13/01/2022 17:52

@sparklins

Just to clear something up - we have a good relationship with ILs and made absolutely no issue about it. It doesn't really bother me it's just that me and DH were talking about it and were not sure if we were 1000% ok with it so we thought we would get a bit of a wider opinion.

A part of me is very much, they are next door neighbors, it's DCs classmate so that is fine.
However a tiny part is very much of @laravix s view - i.e. they were no longer the ones being responsible for watching DC, they entrusted the responsibility to someone else.

If one of them went over and had a cup of tea whilst DC played I would have been fully ok with it.

YBU for using the phrase 1000%.