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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

As a parent do you think this should be run past you or not?

202 replies

sparklins · 12/01/2022 20:23

2 DCs 6 and 3 - DGPs 2-3 times a month collect them from school/nursery and have them for dinner, not a babysitting arrangement as we don't need it but the DGPs have asked as they enjoy having them.

DGPs have allowed 6yo to go next door into a classmates house to play whilst leaving 4yo with them.

Would you expect for this to be run past you prior to DGPs allowing your 6yo to go to someone elses house without one of them present or would you be ok with it since it's a classmate?

YABU - I'd be ok with it
YANBU - they should have checked with you first

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 13/01/2022 17:54

@Sunnysas

I hate to be mithered about every little thing and wouldn’t have an issue. If you need to be double checked on everything jut let the GP’s know and they can text you.
Do you really consider the whereabouts of your child and who they are with a little thing and so insignificant?
CatsnCoffee · 13/01/2022 17:57

Presumably, you and DGs already knew the neighbours’ child was a schoolmate and might have guessed that one day an opportunity like this might arise. If you didn’t want them to play together for some reason (eg history of bullying), you surely would have mentioned this to DGs. Alternatively, it would have been best to check with you first, but that might have been awkward for the DGs if it was just a spontaneous thing and they were put on the spot.

Malkukupad · 13/01/2022 18:11

I'm not BFF with my dc's classmate's mums but I know them all and would be surprised if they didn't check with me or let me know. We're all on a WA group and various other kids groups, if it's dc's friend I'd be the first to know that they're playing from the friend's mum.

AuntMargo · 13/01/2022 18:16

as a grandparent, I would only make decisions I thought kept my grandchildren safe, I would let them and I have too, my DIL was fine with it, she trusts me !

Bugbabe1970 · 13/01/2022 18:18

It wouldn't bother me if they were just next door with a classmate. We did this all the time when we were little and when my kids were small

I'm a gma now. I'd run it past my DIL first but I'm sure she'd be ok with it

Hmum0fthree · 13/01/2022 18:21

Wow I'm REALLY shocked at how many people say its ok, its a class mate, great but its also their parents and maybe older siblings?

No way sorry, you don't really know your friends let alone strangers and what they could do to your child.

Bugbabe1970 · 13/01/2022 18:22

@AteAllTheBourbons

Fuck me, some of these answers are worrying. 6yo and everyone's like "ah it's fine, it's a neighbour." Paedos don't go around advertising themselves to the world and it's not paranoid or over protective to not be okay with this.

Of course it needs to be run by you.

So how would the mum know of the person was a paedo? How do you know if any parents are peados? So on that basis you can't let your kids go to anyone's house after tea because you just don't know 🙈
ThinkWittyThoughts · 13/01/2022 18:27

My DDad & Stepmum did this with my (the 7yo child) a few years ago.

It took me by surprise but I was fine when I realised the kids had in the garden & my Dad kept an ear on them.

A lot of people have said 'classmate' as if that changes how to view the adults. There are parents - perfectly nice adults - of children in my child's class that I absolutely would not trust to look after my kids.

I don't think we can all just judge on 'classmate' & 'neighbour'.

Bugbabe1970 · 13/01/2022 18:28

Let's just make sure every adult every child ever comes into contact with has a dbs is it?

I really do despair for this generation

Vynalbob · 13/01/2022 18:30

They should have asked, just common curtesy.... you gave them permission to look after your child and there could be any number of reasons you don't want it to happen... even if 99% of the time you'd say yes it should be asked.

EG let's say you've thoroughly looked up a childminder, think she's great and your child loves her.... but she's overbooked so pops your child to her BFF (also a childminder) for an hour without telling you.

DDMAC · 13/01/2022 18:44

I guess it would depend how well the GP know the neighbours.

Hmum0fthree · 13/01/2022 19:08

@Bugbabe1970 exactly, you said it Wink

flippertyop · 13/01/2022 19:26

YABU

Dillydollydingdong · 13/01/2022 19:29

I trust the grandparents. If I didn't I wouldn't let the DC go there in the first place.

Anon2022 · 13/01/2022 19:34

Yabu

I would be glad my child got to play with a child which is otherwise a faff to organise

I would feel differently if my child was unhappy aboit vosoting the froend

expat101 · 13/01/2022 19:56

Surely you already have an idea of the family and what they are like, being your child's classmate?

And if your child wasn't keen on the child, then surely they wouldn't go over to start with?

cherish123 · 13/01/2022 20:00

I'd be fine with it.

Would you have said no?

wentworthinmate · 13/01/2022 20:02

YABU

The family and child are known to the GP's. It's a classmate.

ToffeeMamma · 13/01/2022 20:08

OMG if my parents ran past everything with me like that they'd never bother having him. My DS knows rules are different at Granny & Grandads, hell even the dog knows that. I remember my dad giving my DS8 a pocket knife. He'll it echoes him giving me a one the same at that age, I didn't stop it I just explained to my DS that the law around knives is different now than when Grandad was younger and if he wants to use it he needs to be supervised. He's fine with that and it's an experience. I was given a bushwhacker at the age of 7 and told to hack weeds down. I loved my experiences and I trust my parents judgment at all times. At my parents my son visits many people with and without them. They are people they know. They were parents once and never failed.

LadySinfiaSnoop · 13/01/2022 20:24

I’m a grandparent and would def ask first x

Rumplestrumpet · 13/01/2022 20:26

Utterly astounded by these answers. What does "it's a classmate" even mean?!? There are kids in my daughter's class whose parents I've never met - of course I wouldn't leave my daughter to go over for a playdate on her own. Why would a parent do that with a 6 or 7 year old?!?

There are some parents of her classmates I have met and she wouldn't be going there either.

My daughter only goes to the house of someone I've had more than a fleeting conversation with and preferably have been to their house myself. I would want to know whether it's a safe place for my child - older siblings, access to inappropriate internet content, other adults in the home - all these things could be a concern. I'm generally a laid back parent and encourage her to be confident and outspoken but I'm not gonna send her off somewhere unknown.

OP you could simply say (in a very relaxed way) you were totally fine with it this time but DD has had some issues with classmates and you'd rather get a heads up next time - no complaints, just tba.

floss1 · 13/01/2022 21:34

I wouldn’t like it and thought the whole point was that they wanted to see the grandchild!

KeepYaHeadUp · 13/01/2022 21:38

@RedBeetroot12

Let’s agree to disagree then. I don’t care too much about your opinion, your entitled to think as you do, but I do think you could be allowing your child to be put in a dangerous situation with your naivety. I would be furious with the grandparents if they allowed my child to play in a strangers house without asking me. But they know that and feel the same way so I trust them because we have the same values. I guess if you differ in values then that’s where it’s a problem. Chances are the child would be alright but the consequences of things not being ok is too great
This. I had the conversation with both sets of GPs about this hypothetical today. Both were surprised I was asking and said of course they'd run it by us first unless we had explicitly had a conversation where I'd agreed they could make this decision without consulting us. So I think it's about sharing values.
JabNotInArm · 13/01/2022 21:41

Unclench a little

@sweetcheekweak

I'd politely suggest you be a little less naive.

JabNotInArm · 13/01/2022 21:43

@MorningStarling

Either you trust the grandparents to make the right decisions or you don't. If you don't, they should be having unsupervised access themselves.
But you trust the grandparents to look after your child(ren). It doesn't naturally follow that you'd be happy for the grandparents to entrust your children to anyone else. I don't understand how so many are failing to grasp this.