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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Friend is refusing to attend DD's Christening

189 replies

LouBan · 12/01/2022 00:11

My DD has just turned two and we are finally getting her dedicated (just like a Christening but without water). We would have done it soon after she was born but had to put things on hold due to Covid. We have chosen to invite just family, godparents and one other close friend who is almost like family. He is not a Christian and doesn't like the idea of church at all but we have been to weddings and a funeral with him, all were which in churches and he seemed fine. Ever since our DD was born he has said he would come to her dedication even though he doesn't like church. Now 10 days before, he has let us know by text that he's not coming without giving a reason. AiBU to be upset? We are asking him to be part of something that is really special to us but it is for us and our DD, not him, and as a friend I think he should respect that we want to do this at our church. All he has to do is sit through one church service (No one is going to check if he's singing the hymns or joining in the prayers) and join us for lunch afterwards. I don't think this is a lot to ask. AIBU?

OP posts:
UltraVividLament · 12/01/2022 00:16

YABU in that you don't actually know if it's the church issue that is the reason he now isn't attending. Have you asked him why?

Hugasauras · 12/01/2022 00:17

If he didn't give a reason, then you can't be sure why he isn't coming, surely? Maybe there's some other reason that's nothing to do with it.

SpindleyCrow · 12/01/2022 00:17

I think you need to accept this with good grace.

Christenings / baptisms / dedications (not heard that one before) aren't for everyone and I think that your friend did try to warn you of that repeatedly.

I think there's a deep Christian religiosity about christenings that isn't present these days within the concepts and events of weddings and funerals.

BobbieT1999 · 12/01/2022 00:19

Agree with @SpindleyCrow

NatriumChloride · 12/01/2022 00:21

I voted YABU as you don’t even know that the issue here is the church aspect of it? Is he cautious of large gatherings due to Covid? Perhaps he’s tested positive himself or trying to shield someone else?

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 12/01/2022 00:21

Hmm, I think yabu.

You're clearly good friends, so he's not going to do this just to spite you. It sounds like he's uncomfortable with christenings and you should respect that. He might think that a person should choose to be christened rather than their parents choosing for them when they're so young.

negomi90 · 12/01/2022 00:23

Weddings and funeral have non religious elements. Marriage is a legal thing as well as a religious one. A funeral is a personal way of saying good bye. There are reasons to go to both of them even if the ceremonies are religious.
A christening/dedication is purely about the religion. Yes its a party for the individual, but the ceremony has no other value than religion. An atheist may not want to celebrate the induction of someone into religion especially when the individual involved (baby/toddler) has no understanding of what's going on.
The principle is very different.

Porcupineintherough · 12/01/2022 00:24

Can you really not think of any reasons other than religion why he might not be comfortable attending a church service right now? Besides which, you should respect his lack of belief.

Cattitudes · 12/01/2022 00:25

He isn't religious so it won't hold the same meaning for him and he might feel really uncomfortable there, especially as the congregation would usually make promises too. A wedding or funeral are different. I would be gracious and say if he would be happy to come you would love to see him at the lunch afterwards. In fact we said that to all our friends they were welcome at one or the other or both because they are our friends and we wanted them to be comfortable.

2022HowDoYouDo · 12/01/2022 00:27

An invitation is not a summons. YABU.

melj1213 · 12/01/2022 00:27

Firstly, you don't know why he has changed his mind - something may have come up in his personal life that he isn't ready to share with you that means he may not be able to attend.

Secondly, just because it is special to you doesn't mean he has to attend.

You have said he doesn't like church, so its up to him whether he is willing to sit through a church service where your child is welcomed into the church family - and especially with such a small service it is hard to sit it out in the same way as you can if there is a bigger congregation where you can blend in and your non-participation is less likely to be noticed.

Hairyfriend · 12/01/2022 00:34

Neither you nor us know exactly why he has decided not to attend? I've never heard of a dedication, so not sure if its the same as being a god parent, but here a just some of the thoughts that 'might' pass someones mind when being asked and not having all the info about what it involves. I was asked to be a god mother years ago, and some of these thoughts actually crossed my mind a the time, because I had no idea what it really meant:

  • Do I need to buy this child and possibly future siblings gifts for Christmas and their dedication day forever more?
  • If you and partner/DH were to die, I'd have to take on/adopt this child
  • I don't want to be inside a church or any building with randoms during a pandemic
  • What other things does this commitment involve in future? Is there a ceremony every year?
  • Am I suppose to provide emotional support, take care of, baby sit this child as their dedication person?

I assume you have at least 1 other person to take on the role? Is there another you have in mind?

OddshoesOddsocks · 12/01/2022 00:34

You said it yourself- it’s for you and your dd, not him.

Maybe it’s sucky to let you down at short notice but tbh I don’t think 10 days is particularly short notice, especially when he has repeatedly mentioned how uncomfortable he is.

Also I don’t think you can compare a dedication to a funeral…

So YABU and entitled. Your religion (and your dd) will not be as important to anyone else but you and you can’t expect them to be.

HaveringWavering · 12/01/2022 00:46

@negomi90

Weddings and funeral have non religious elements. Marriage is a legal thing as well as a religious one. A funeral is a personal way of saying good bye. There are reasons to go to both of them even if the ceremonies are religious. A christening/dedication is purely about the religion. Yes its a party for the individual, but the ceremony has no other value than religion. An atheist may not want to celebrate the induction of someone into religion especially when the individual involved (baby/toddler) has no understanding of what's going on. The principle is very different.
Bang on. Agree wholeheartedly.
Happyfeet1972 · 12/01/2022 01:05

I know of some non religious people who would go to weddings or funerals in churches but not attend baptisms/christenings. The reason being is that weddings and funerals, the people involved are adults. I know a few people very uncomfortable with the idea of babies being inducted into a religion which they have had no choice over. It may be an extreme view but its one I've come across more than once.
If this person is a good friend I wouldn't let this get in the way - if it is religion preventing him from attending, he's probably not telling you his full views to spare your feelings. He can support and be there for your dd in other ways.

JustLyra · 12/01/2022 01:09

My DH will go to weddings and funerals. Weddings with a religious element are the choices of adults. Funerals are a way of saying goodbye.

He venhemently disagrees with religion and doesn't attend christenings/communions as he doesn't agree with religion being chosen for a child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2022 01:10

People consent to marriage and presumably decided before death how they wanted their funeral. A christening is imposed on a child and I don't want to participate in that.

However, since he said he'd come earlier it's far more likely to be a different reason.

And BTW the christening isn't for you and DD. It's for you. She hasn't decided.

CelestiaNoctis · 12/01/2022 01:13

I didn't go to the church part of my nieces christening. I felt it would be fake for me to sit there and pretend I supported the church and religion as a whole. I don't. I attended the after party and food for it instead.

Frannibananni · 12/01/2022 01:24

Yabu. Not everyone wants to go to Christenings and birthday parties and other kid activities.

Blossom64265 · 12/01/2022 01:24

I will happily attend the religious rituals and ceremonies of adults, but I am extremely uncomfortable attending religious rituals performed upon children.

I would like to join you for the non-religious aspects of the day, celebrating your child and your family, but would need to decline attending the actual rituals.

Hydrate · 12/01/2022 01:28

I am sure it is not a reflection on you or your friendship, but probably he has another reason. I may attend a baptism for a close person, pre COVID but I would not now...could it be as simple as that? Non essential event risk?

Bellyups · 12/01/2022 01:31

YABVU for all of the reasons above

MintJulia · 12/01/2022 01:36

yabu. You are asking him to pay lip service to a religion in which he has no faith. To be a hypocrite.

And you are asking him to support you in imposing that religion on a child who cannot make their own decision.

He must be allowed to act with his conscience.

ChrimboGateauxCatto · 12/01/2022 01:38

YABU you don't know his reasons. Im anti religion for my own very good reasons and find supporting it very difficult to do.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 12/01/2022 01:47

@LouBan I have put that you are not being unreasonable, and that is because he has said all along that he will go to the ceremony, and now 10 days beforehand has changed his mind, without even giving you a reason why. So I think that he is being unreasonable for apparently suddenly changing his mind and not having a mature discussion with you about why. I hope you all have a lovely Dedication Day, and that your friend continues to be considered as (almost) family.

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